Reaching Hearts (Hearts Series) (3 page)

I
now understand the expression
dancing on
air
.

________

The
night never picks up. But I have Brendan to look forward to, so it being a slow
night again is the furthest thing from my mind. All the work I did on myself,
all the time I took to lighten up and find my inner me – it was worth it.
I don’t know what’s going to happen but I do know one thing: I still love him.
Who knows? Maybe when I get to know him better, I’ll feel differently. But I
doubt it. I saw him tonight.
The old him.
Funny how it took the new me to bring out the old him.

I
look at the clock. It’s five after two. “How do I look? Do I look okay?”

Manny nods, clearly disinterested.
He doesn’t understand why I’m asking.

The
last customers head for the door. I call out, “Thank you for coming in!”

They wave, surprised.
“Great place!”

“Yeah?
Tell your friends!”

I
watch as they vanish out into the night. With my hands on the counter, no one
left but
me and Manny,
I stare out the window
excitedly.
Manny picks up the last glasses and walks to the
sink.
“You want me to lock it, Annie?” I don’t hear him, so he says
again, “Annie?”

“What?
Oh, No. I’ve got it.” But I’m still staring at the window, eagerly waiting for
Brendan to walk into view. He was so cute tonight, rattling off his resume of
attributes. It was difficult not to laugh and tell him he’s being crazy. He
will die when he finds out it’s me. I’ll tell him. I should confess tonight. That’s
the right thing to do.

“Boss?”

“Oh,
right.” I walk to the door and pull on the chain that holds my keys safely to
me at all times. Stopping halfway, I turn and call out, “Let’s just give it a
few more minutes.”

“Why?”

“Let’s
just wait.”

Twenty-five
minutes later, Manny comes out of the bathroom with a mop. He looks at the
door. “We should lock it now. It’s late. The fog’s come in.”

“Just
another minute, okay?”

I
look to the window for the millionth time. My heart has been plummeting with
each tick of the clock. And Manny’s right. The fog is coming. We can both see
it. We’re not in a bad neighborhood, per se. Mission used to be a lot worse,
but the freaks do like the night. The fog is an extra bonus veil for them,
easier to hide in. I don’t like to think that way, but I’m not naïve about
these things. My dad was a hunting man. He and his buddies used to take down
anything bigger than they were. Those types of men teach their daughters to be
smart, so I learned early that an ounce of prevention beats a ripped skirt and
therapy for life.

“You
want me to get it?” Manny asks again. He sounds nervous.

I
sigh. “No. I can get it.”

At
the door, I wait another hopeful minute, unable to believe he’s not here.

“What
time is it?”

Manny
looks and calls out, “Two-thirty-five.”

I
rest my forehead on the door, sliding the key in. Slowly, I click the lock closed,
trying not to feel like the stupidest girl who ever existed. What was I
thinking? He was just playing with me. He’s a player. It was obvious. This is
what they do.

Fuck
me for being such a hopeless romantic.

At Knockout.
Head: elsewhere. Irritation: building like a
volcano in summer.

________

It’s
after two and Bobby’s kicked everyone out but
me and Teri
.
He’s remembering the time we had to kick a drunken guy out for hitting on a
table of girls. “And this guy!” He points to me. “This guy goes over and says,
‘Excuse me. Is he bothering you ladies?’ All four of them nodded! The guy
looked at Brendan like he was the biggest dick. But Brendan here is always the
gentleman, and could see from afar that the girls didn’t like the guy.”

“It
wasn’t hard to figure out. They were shifting in their seats and I heard one of
them ask him to leave.”

Teri
rolls her eyes. “Don’t be so humble. A lot of guys wouldn’t have helped. So
what happened?”

“The
guy told Brendan… What’d he tell you again?”

“I
don’t remember.”

“Oh
yeah! He said, ‘Dude, I’m talkin’ here. Why don’t you go back to where you were
and forget about it.’”

Teri
makes a noise. “I bet that went over well.”

“Yeah,
right? Brendan replied, cool as school, ‘Why don’t
you
take off so the ladies here can enjoy the rest of their night
without listening to a douche bag.’ The guy was pissed!”

I
look over to the window, my mind on Annie. “Douche bags can’t be tolerated.”
Teri glances from me back to Bobby, waiting for more.

Bobby
holds his hand over his mouth while he talks, and says through a burst of
laughter, “The guy reared back to punch Brendan, but B-man nailed him first.
Right in the nose and broke it.”

“You’re
such a badass.” Teri leans forward to run her hand up my thigh and give me a
peck on the lips. I receive it, but my mind is elsewhere.

I
look at the clock, staring at it, deep in thought.

Bobby’s
laugh fades as he sees me. “Brendan, that’s the fifteenth time you’ve checked
the clock.”

Teri
asks, “Did you want to get going now? I can leave whenever.”

I
don’t like this pull I’m feeling. I can’t get it out of my head that I’m not at
Le Barré.
That I want to be.
That I
don’t want to be anywhere else.
That’s she’s waiting for me, probably
thinks I’m a dick. What am I doing here? What is wrong with me?

I
throw a questioning look to both of them, distracted. “What?”

“I
said you keep looking at the clock. If you guys want to go, then go. I have a
bed that’s calling my name, too. Only no one’s in it.”

I
stare at Bobby like he’s speaking another language. “Oh, right.” Turning to
Teri, I see the sexy gleam in her eyes, a look I’d usually be all over. She’s
great. I like her a lot. She’s a regular, but man if I don’t see Annie staring
back at me saying,
And
what you want is me.

I
just need more time away from her. It’ll pass.

“Let’s
go.” I get off the stool and throw some cash to Bobby. “
That
cover
it?”

“Get
the fuck out of here.” But he takes it anyway.

I
smirk. “Asshole.”

“You
looking in a mirror?”

Teri
laughs and follows me. “How old are we now?” I hold open the door for her like
I always do, but my smile is missing.

Asking
myself the big question: Why am I here?

________

When
I first got back to San Francisco, I rented the apartment in The Mission
District. I furnished it sparingly with plans to add more as I searched estate
sales for gems, saving money and finding a more eclectic mess of belongings
that spoke specifically to my tastes.

Then
during the first week back, I went to my old campus to walk around. I wanted to
reframe my memories. It was hard walking through the place where I’d felt so
differently than I feel today, so alone and sooooooo different.

Greeting
me on campus was the usual chaos of young people heading in different
directions, all with their own styles, groups, and focus. I walked slowly,
seeing a lot of memories replay
themselves
. Like at
the bench where Corinne and I laughed while she told me about Johnny, the guy
she nailed in the library
who
wouldn’t stop following
her afterward. We’d looked over and seen him standing behind a building, poking
his head out at exactly that moment. We’d cracked up, which made him feel
miserable. He stopped following her after that. Which was even funnier.

I
passed by Drama next, thinking of the complete disaster that had been for me
back then. My inability to talk to people had made performing pretty much
impossible. I thought it might be the opposite because at the time I had a love
for all things Tim Burton and felt if he – a man who seemed to be very
quiet and introverted, too – could branch out creating films like he did,
maybe I could do something like that. It didn’t work out that way. I could
barely speak on stage and was often whispered about by girls who looked like I
do now. A pang of anger stabs me every time I think of shit like that. I would
never do what they did to me. That stuff scars you for life, and fuck them for
being like that.

On
purpose, I went to the spot I used to hide in there, pretending to read a book.
What I had really been doing was pumping myself up to go inside and join in…
but failing every time.

So
I stopped there to take a moment and reframe that memory. I imagined myself
just as I was back then, but this time walking in the door and being greeted by
friends
who wanted me to do a scene with them, who’d
thought of the perfect part for me to play. As I imagined this reframed moment,
the weight left me and I could see it all as if it had really happened that
way. It helped the pit of regret loosen its hold.

I
did this to let go. I’d read somewhere that the past is all in our heads. It’s
no longer happening. It’s not real. So if we can reframe it, rewrite it with a
better outcome, we can release the bond it has. I was skeptical it would work,
but going to the campus that day, I felt better.

Next
I went to that fateful hallway. The one where I thought Brendan said hi to me,
but it turned out he really didn’t. I ignored the people walking by in present
day, and stood off to the side with my back against a wall. I focused and saw
again Brendan at age twenty-two when I was only twenty. Saw how it really
happened, how he’d looked my way with recognition in his eyes, how he’d smiled
and said it.
Hey.
I saw the real
memory of me lifting my hand, eyes lighting up with surprise as I returned
Hey…
before Mark passed me, walking up
from behind and joining Brendan. How they’d turned without seeing me and walked
off together. How I stood staring at them in the crossroads of this hall,
feeling like I didn’t exist. I’ll never forget hearing Mark boastfully say,
When
are you going to get rid of your girlfriend
and come out with us. Last night was amazing.
It’s why I call him Jerkoff
Mark because what kind of idiot hopes to break up a happy couple?

Standing
there watching the ghosts, I felt my heart pull in my chest as if I was back
there again. I couldn’t go on living with that feeling. I wasn’t hiding anymore
and I no longer wanted to see myself as invisible. No one was going to heal me,
but me.

So
I took a deep breath and imagined the scene again, allowing it to shift.

This
time I pictured Brendan stop and say,
Hey
. I again saw me surprised, lifting up my hand and saying
it back. I saw him smile and walk to me this time.
What’s your name?
I saw me push my long, stringy black hair behind
my ear and quietly answer,
Annie
. I
saw him nod, his forehead pushed up and in with thoughts and ideas that were
only his. Then I let my imagination paint the rest of the scene, going where my
heart guided it.

You know what Annie?

No, What?

I’m sorry I didn’t see you, but we’re going to
meet again years from now.
In a bar here in the city.
You own the place. And we’ll be different then. Right now we’re just kids.

A
bar? Could I own a bar? Where had that idea come from? I focused again.

Yeah?

Yeah. So let this one go, okay? I didn’t know
any better. And to be fair, you were kind of lurking in the shadows.

Then
I saw him walk and join Mark again, but this time Brendan looked over his
shoulder and waved to me.
See you then
,
he said
.

I
let them vanish. Reality quickly swarmed back into focus. I stayed there, soaking
it in, letting the past fall off me as strangers passed in present day. Did I
feel better? I had to admit, I did. But the real surprise was the inspiration
that had come out of nowhere.

I
pushed off the wall and walked off the grounds for the last time, daydreaming
about it all the way home.
Could I own my
own bar? I learned a lot from managing the one I worked at in Tuscany. Having
my own business certainly goes with my personality. I’m not a fan of authority,
and I do think differently than most, so maybe having my own thing is the
perfect job for me.

Then,
walking around Mission Street three days later, I came across a
For Lease
sign in the window of a closed
and empty bar. Had I not gone to
campus, that
sign
might never even have registered. I might have just passed by it like I’ve
passed by so many other improbable opportunities.

Thrilled,
I practically ran across the street to look inside the window. The red paint
and gaudy sign would have to go, but there was huge potential. A nice bar top
was already set up. It had a thick layer of dust, but was perfectly serviceable
otherwise. There would be no need for costly reconstruction. There were black
booths and red walls. I stared at them, picturing the coat of paint I could put
in their place.

How
much fun would it be to get my hands dirty on a project of my own?
I could do this
! My own place!

Instantly,
I knew what I would call it.

Le Barré
- The Bar, in Italian.

It
sounds elegant, but really it’s just a basic everyday word. Kind of like me; I
look pretty good, but really I’m just a dork who found out how to use makeup
and wear better clothes.

Le Barré
. I loved it!

Turning
tonight, I look around my bar. My reframed memory came true. Even Brendan and I
meeting came true. If I’d have known it would have, I’d have added,
and then we’ll fall in love.
Something
to ensure he would have come back tonight.

With
a deep breath in, I call out, “Okay, Manny let’s cover the bottles.”

“It’s
locked?”

“It’s
locked.”

I
just want to go home.