Reason Is You (9781101576151) (30 page)

“He’s already dead.”

I continued to rock my girl.

I
F
rain showers wash the earth down, then we were about as squeaky clean as it gets. My dad’s dock looked mostly the same, if not a little pressure-washed. Minus the boat that once hung out there. Dad joked that it was down somewhere making a really good fish harbor if he could just find that sweet spot.

I sat down at the end, leaning against a post and fiddling with a cracked plank. Bo lay with his head in my lap, nose twitching and little eyebrows bouncing back and forth at the dragonflies that skimmed the water.

The river was glass smooth. The slightest insect touch made ripples you could see all the way across. It didn’t even resemble the monster that tried to kill us a week earlier.

The buzzing was gone. The wind, the sounds of fear and pain and water rushing—all gone. I could only guess it was because we’d lived it again, Sarah and I, and survived.
Sarah and I.
That was weird. But nearly losing my Riley had put that little gem of information in perspective. It didn’t matter who was hanging
around in another realm, outside my reach. What mattered was right here.

I turned at the sound of feet on the creaky boards, even though Bo’s tail thumps told me it was Riley. If it had been Dad, he would have gotten up. Respect for your elders.

Riley sauntered down, hair pulled up, no makeup, barefooted and wearing a T-shirt and sweats she’d cut off into shorts. She looked young and innocent. But she wasn’t. She sat down opposite me, Indian style, and snatched a stick out of the water. I watched the concussion of that ripple spread out for half a mile before she spoke.

“You still mad at me?” she asked softly.

I met her eyes. Eyes so much like my own, it was eerie. They held and hid so much, and yet could touch your soul.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Lie.”

“I’m not.” I shook my head and rubbed my eyes. “Just—” I looked out at the water and blew out a breath.

“Disappointed.”

I was so many things, I couldn’t even pick one. I felt like a ball in a pinball machine, bouncing from one emotion to the next.

“I don’t know what I am, boog. That’s the honest truth.”

Her eyes watered. “I told you I was sorry.”

“I know, Riley, and—and that’s fine. But you don’t understand what it was like to think you were—dead.” I nearly choked on the word.

She lowered her eyes and two tears fell.

“You nearly got yourself killed. And Grady. And me. I have never been so sick, so devastated in all my life, as I was thinking I’d lost you. And for what?”

“Mom—”

“For sex.”

And that was the kicker. Once we’d finally gotten back home from getting a clean bill of health, we talked.

“I told you, it wasn’t a plan, Mom. I had to get away. Grady caught me trying to take the boat out and said he’d drive.” Tears fell freely. “I couldn’t even look at him. All I wanted was to be normal. Make him see
me
as normal.”

“He already did.”

“I know.” She wiped her face. “But I wasn’t thinking that then. I begged him till—” She didn’t go further. She didn’t have to. I’d already been floored with it in the first round, when I tongue-lashed her about irresponsibility and unprotected sex. I wasn’t going there again. And I wasn’t buying the begging part.

“Okay.”

“I’m serious, Mom, it was me. He actually said no for a while.” She frowned. “It was really weird.”

I closed my eyes. Something inside me felt closed up and hurt. It wasn’t really logical. Like my little girl was gone. Like—that part of her—of us—had died. And too soon. It had been taken too soon.

But it was done.
Move on.
I looked back at her.

“How do you feel about it now?”

“About doing it in a boat? It sucked.”

I dropped my head. “Don’t ever say that out loud again. Pop would have a coronary.”

“Sorry.”

“How do you feel about
yourself
?”

She paused and dragged her stick in the water, focusing on the patterns it made. “I don’t know. Weird, I guess. Wasn’t what I expected.”

“What did you expect?”

“I don’t know. Love and glowy romance, I guess. All I got was panic when the wind kicked up. I was pretty lucky just to get dressed.”

“Well, here’s a tip. Even when
not
in a boat, if the glowy romance isn’t there already—sex isn’t gonna bring it.”

We sat in silence for a little while, each lost in our own thoughts.

“So—have you seen anybody?” she asked finally.

I looked over at her. I hadn’t left the house since we came home from the hospital. Hadn’t gone to work. Jason made sure we were okay and hadn’t been back or called since. Couldn’t really blame him. Swimming out to take Riley from a talking dead man was probably disconcerting. For a newbie.

Grady hadn’t quit calling or coming by, much to my annoyance, so he was clearly not as bothered by it.

“No.”

“Me, either.”

Then I realized what she meant. Alex hadn’t been by, either. And although I couldn’t talk about it, it was eating me up. Tears sprang to my eyes as I recalled his face as he told me his secret. The torture in his eyes. And then right before he went back under the water—that one was for Sarah. I’d seen all his demons when he touched me. That last look was for her.

As anxious as I was about seeing him again, I had a gnawing fear that I wouldn’t. What if that was it? What if that was the closure he needed to move on? What if he just didn’t want to face me anymore? Or worse—and what kept poking at me—what if the strain of holding Riley’s dying body took too much?

I knew how that worked. That each felt everything the other had. The shock I received when he pushed me up confirmed that. But holding someone whose life force was nearly gone—would that feel like dying all over again?

“Do you think he’ll show up again?” Riley asked, her voice sounding small. “I mean, I’d like to thank him at least.”

I gave her a shrug and a small smile. “I don’t know, boog.”
I watched her as she looked far off. “What do you remember about it?”

Her eyes filled up again. “His family. He—drowned underneath his daughter, Mom. The little girl in the picture.”

My skin felt like it could move on its own. I’d never told her that.

“Yeah,” I breathed.

“And he loves us.”

That took me off guard. “What?”

She looked back at me. “He really loves you.”

I blinked fast so I wouldn’t cry. “Well.” I cleared my throat. “We’ve been connected for a really long time.”

“Do you love him?”

Damn it
. I let out a breath and swiped at my eyes as a little laugh escaped my throat.

“Always.” Lord, she didn’t know the half of it. “But obviously that’s not a workable situation.”

“That’s sad.”

“It’s reality. Or, at least
our
reality.”

“What about Jason?”

“Mr. Miller,” I corrected.

“He gave me mouth-to-mouth, Mom. I think we’re on a first-name basis.” She gave in to a laugh as my face contorted. “Just kidding. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Try.”

“So what about
Mr. Miller
?”

I sighed and scooped my hair back. “I’m not sure. He may not be interested anymore.”

“You just gonna sit around and wait to find out?”

I gave her a look. “As opposed to what?”

She shook her head, exasperated. “Going to the source.”

I looked down at Bo and scratched his neck till he smiled. Oh, for life to be that simple.

“He knows where I am, boog.”

“Ugh, that’s so old school!”

“And we’re old,” I said pointedly. “It works for us.”

“Whatever,” she said, rising to her feet in one motion. “But you’ll get old alone with that attitude.”

I saluted her. “I’ll survive.”

She turned to walk away, but two steps in, she turned back around. “Mom—I love you.”

I looked up at my baby girl and got up—
much slower than she had
. I slung an arm around her and we walked back toward the house, Bojangles reluctantly coming to his feet to follow. I kissed the side of her head, since I couldn’t reach the top anymore.

T
HE
ground under my feet was dry and dusty, no traces left of the deluge. I kicked a rock in my path and recalled a similar stroll I’d taken with Alex. The night he’d told me Sarah’s name. So many things made sense now. His reluctance to tell me any details about his family.

My anger was gone. As much as part of me—the
me
part of me—wanted to be hurt and angry, the memory of his face after saving Riley melted me to the core. Would we ever be the same? Probably not. But we could still be okay. Assuming I ever saw him again. And the possibility of that going negative made my stomach hurt.

What started out to be a random walk brought me within throwing distance of the Bait-n-Feed. Well, within someone else’s throwing distance. I’d need another twenty or thirty feet.

I hadn’t gone back to work initially to make sure Riley was okay. After that, it was pretty much my own chicken-ness. I knew
I needed to be a big girl and go back to earning a paycheck, but the thought of dealing with the people in town made me nauseous. And yes. There was the Jason issue. As long as I didn’t see him, I could tell myself he was just working through it. But what if—what if I made eye contact and saw
that look
. The one I’d seen all my life. I knew it would crush me, and so avoiding it seemed the logical choice. Until Riley pointed out my spinster potential, that is.

So I stood there in the middle of the road, the sun cooking my shoulders, playing with a smooth clear rock I’d picked up for luck, staring with anxiety at the building. Miss Olivia’s car was there—that was good. Diversion. Because Jason’s was, too. Bob ambled out of his trailer next door and waved, grinning as he made his way to a giant pot of something cooking on a propane tank. Knowing him, it was best not to ask what.

“Okay, wuss,” I muttered. “Time to put that thick skin back on.”

I got my feet moving again and took a deep breath as I opened the door.
Please don’t let him be standing there.

Miss Olivia and Marg both turned my direction as the bell jingled overhead. I smiled warily and tried not to do the five-second room scan.

“Hey, my Dani girl!” Miss Olivia said, her straw hat bobbing as she made her way around a barrel of mousetraps and bar bait. I looked down at the new display all front and center.

“Somebody have issues?”

“Whatever,” Miss Olivia said, waving at that barrel. She gave me a giant hug. “Glad to see you out and about. Where’s that girl?”

“She’s at home. Going back to her job at the store tomorrow.”

Miss Olivia and Grady had been at the house together three times since the “incident,” as it had come to be called. I had all but ignored Grady, but I was starting to soften a little after the talk with Riley. And the fact that he called and tried to come by in
some way every single day. He was persistent. And after what he’d seen and learned, that said something about him. More than I could say for some people.

“Good for her.”

“What about you?” Marg asked, leaning on the counter with her typical no-nonsense stare. “When are you coming back?”

Involuntarily, I looked toward the back hall. “Um—”

“He’s out at the dock, playing with the boats,” she said dryly. Miss Olivia chuckled. I smiled and cast my eyes down, releasing a breath I’d been holding.

“I guess in a couple of days—” Why? What was I waiting for? Jason to call and make it all cozy?

Yes.

“Can you be here Wednesday? I’m supposed to be—somewhere.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Somewhere?”

Marg blushed, which made me even more curious. “Yes, somewhere,” she repeated. “Can you be here?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

That gave me two days to gear up for seeing Jason again. Assuming he didn’t drum up a road trip once he heard I was back.

“Good. I’m tired of hanging out with his grumpy ass all day,” she said, hitting a button on the register to run the hourly report. “Thinks he runs the place.”

I held back the urge to laugh.

“By the way, you conjure up ghosts at will?” Marg asked, turning to face me openly with her ice-blue eyes.

My mouth dropped open and some little squeaky noise came out. I wasn’t used to conversing in public about it. Blinking in succession was as good as I could do.

“No, she can’t,” Miss Olivia said, jumping in there for me, giving me a second to find my tongue. “I’ve asked her that since she was a little skinny thing snapping beans on my front porch.”

Thank you, Miss O.
I let a forced little laugh out. “Um, no, they come to me. I don’t go looking for them.”

“Hmm. So they just pop up out of the blue?”

I nodded. “And usually at the most inopportune time.”

She chuckled, nodding. “Cool.”

And then she went back to her work, done with me. Well, that went okay. One down. Then the bell jingled and in walked Lisa Marlow. Her mouth dropped open as whatever she was going to say fell away when she spotted me. I had the urge to snap it shut but smiled instead as I clenched my fingers tightly together.

“Dani,” she said awkwardly, averting her eyes as she passed me.

Oh yes, don’t look, you might catch it.

But then she surprised me as she slowly turned around.

“Um, Dani—I—” She stopped as her eyes met mine. And I saw something there I’d never seen. Not ever.

Regret.

She looked down at her hands, and back to me. “I wanted to apologize for my son’s behavior with your daughter. I—heard about some of the things he said.” She closed her eyes. “I’m just mortified. I’m sorry.”

My thoughts went straight to high school.
You did the same thing back—

“It—it kind of brought some things home to me as well,” she said, glancing toward Miss Olivia and Marg. Miss Olivia turned and busied herself with a pack of gardenia seeds. “We—we did some pretty awful things to you, years ago.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to say.”

I blinked a couple of times. “I don’t know, either, Lisa. But thank you.”