Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (22 page)

She shook her head. “I don’t think so…not tonight. I need to get some sleep and so do you.”

He nodded, reluctantly acknowledging that she was speaking sense. “Yeah…yeah. You’re probably right. Well, I’ll be going. Sleep well, okay? And I’ll see you tomorrow.” He stood from the table.

“But you haven’t finished your pizza.”

“Yeah, I’m actually not that hungry. Goodnight, Stevie.” He smiled longingly at her, squeezed her shoulder, and turned to walk away.

Back at his cabin, he slumped onto the sofa and ran his hands through his hair. A million different emotions fought for priority in his mixed up mind. A week ago his life had been simple. Work, eat, sleep. A bit of meaningless sex as stress relief every so often, and then the whole cycle would start again. He had gotten to the point where her face was a fuzzy memory. He had gotten to the point where he didn’t think about her
every
day. Well, at least that was what he had told himself. But the truth was that the
idea
of her was ever present. There would be a song on the radio that would spark a memory, or a woman with long auburn hair seen from the back, or a movie, or a fragrance wafting through the air.

He had, on occasion, tried to imagine how she would actually look now, what it would feel like to be with her and talk to her again. To just
know
her again. He’d wondered how she would act and what they would talk about. He’d wondered if he would still find her attractive and would she still find
him
attractive? These questions had all been unexpectedly answered in the last few days. But in finding the answers he had received very little comfort. In fact, he felt more alone than ever before.

She was more beautiful than he could have expected and had matured into such a stunning, sexy woman. Although, she still very much resembled the girl he had loved and left. If he was going to get her to see sense and realise that they could make a relationship work, he’d have to act fast. But what could he do?

He stood and paced the floor.

He flicked on his iPod and found “It’s Been Awhile” by Staind. Turning the volume up, he racked his brain, trying to formulate a plan.

****

Stevie sat on her bed, trying to read the romance novel that she had borrowed from Mollie, but after a while she realised she was reading the same part over and over again. She tossed it aside and paced the floor. The familiar urge to go to Jason was tugging at her insides again. Perhaps she should just go and explain things? Maybe she could say that she would give the long distance thing a try? But then again there had been no talk of
love
between them. There were feelings, for sure. But how deep his feelings ran was something she really didn’t know. And of course there was her mother to think about. She couldn't just keep leaving her at the drop of a hat to make the long journey up to Scotland when she missed Jason. And if she couldn't be with him all the time, how could she know things were okay?

He had left her once. What would stop him doing it again when the going got tough? What was to stop him giving up? Perhaps this was simply a combination of nostalgia and lust? She knew how
she
truly felt. That had never changed for her. He had said he didn’t want to lose her, but how could she trust his words? She thought back to a conversation she’d had with him only weeks before he’d left…

“Stevie…when you think of your future, what do you see?” Jason lazily trailed circles on her arm as they lay side by side on a blanket in the long grass by the river.

“I see you.”

He smiled but his brow furrowed. “You see me? Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

“What do you see?”

He frowned. “I…I struggle to see that far ahead to be honest, but I know what I want to see and that’s you and me…happy somewhere…far away though…not here.”

“Why not here?”

“Dunno…fancy a change of scenery…as long as you’re with me.” He clasped her hand and intertwined their fingers.

She pulled herself nearer to him. “Well, I’m not going anywhere unless you come too.”

He kissed her tenderly. “I love you so much, Stevie Watts. Don’t ever stop loving me and don’t…don’t leave me…not even for Eddie Vedder.”

She had pursed her lips. “Oooh that’s a big ask…but…okay…I’ll never stop loving you, and I’ll never leave you as long as you promise never to leave me.”

Weaving his hand into her hair, he pulled her face towards his and kissed her lovingly once again.

****

Now that she thought back, she realised
he
hadn’t promised
her
that he would never leave. However, he
had
said that he wanted a future with her. But he had
still
left
.
Aargh!
Her confused thoughts danced around her head like the angel and the devil fighting for their point to be heard.

Needing a complete distraction, she flicked on her iPod and selected random. “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne was the first track. It reminded her of what she had once lost and was on the verge of losing again.

Her stomach knotted as she thought about how much she had loved him all those years ago and how much she still did.
Why can’t things be simple?
She flopped onto the bed, and bending forward, she placed her head in her hands. Tears fell from her eyes and formed wet patterns on the floor beneath her. She wanted nothing more than to be with him, but she also knew that it wasn’t possible.

But at least this time, she would get to say goodbye.

Chapter Seventeen

Day Six Of Hell

Bleary eyed and puffy faced, Stevie arrived at the main hut for breakfast. It was six thirty, and she surmised that the students were clearly not early morning people due to the lack of conversation and the subdued atmosphere that hung in the air. She made her way over to the hot buffet and piled her plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. She figured she’d need the energy considering the fifteen-mile hike they were setting out on very soon. Jason had informed David that it would be around seven hours including a break for lunch and breaks for water along the way.

Dressed in khakis and a long sleeved white T-shirt to reflect the heat, she had pulled on her walking boots. Her hair was scraped back into a ponytail, and she had fed the tail through the back of the baseball cap she wouldn’t usually be caught wearing. But sunstroke and heat exhaustion were things she could do without and so she had prepared appropriately. She was as ready as she would ever be. David joined her a few minutes later piling his plate with double the amount of food that she had.

She stared wide-eyed at the mountain before her. “Good grief, David Harris, where on
earth
are you going to put that lot?”

He grinned widely at her. “Not
on earth
…in my belly! I’m a growing lad, you know. Need the energy for today’s expedition.” He winked.

“Hmmm. You’ll need a wheelbarrow to carry your belly in at this rate. And as for being a growing lad, you’ll be growing rapidly outwards if you keep eating like that.”

“Nah. This is standard for me.” He fell silent as they walked over to a vacant table and sat down. The zombified teens all milled about aimlessly. David was quiet for a while, thoughtfully munching his way through his heap of food. Eventually he broke the silence. “So…did you and Jason get anything sorted? I…I don’t mean to pry…just asking as a concerned friend.”

She smiled. “Thanks. We talked, but I’m not sure ours is a situation that can be resolved easily.” Her appetite ebbed away.

“No, I can imagine it must be quite difficult. So much history. So much
distance
. Look, I know it’s none of my business, but…well…you have a good job. The opening for Head of Science is up after the summer break, and I think you stand a good chance. People have been talking, and it seems you’re the favourite for the role. I…I wouldn’t want to see you throw that away for some bozo who broke your heart once before. I felt I should say. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Thanks, David. I appreciate your honesty and your concern. And don’t worry. I’ll still be coming back to London with you.” Sadness washed over her as she spoke the words.

At that point Dorcas walked in, as bright and breezy as usual, and began to gather the teens together to brief them about the hike. Stevie couldn't help the stab of jealousy that bit into her mind as she was reminded that Dorcas would be staying here...with Jason, after she had gone.

Stevie and David finished their food and followed the rest of the crew outside. The sun was already starting to warm the air, and the kids were finally beginning to wake up now that they were fuelled. Dorcas and Harry, who had come in especially for the day, led the way, and David and Stevie brought up the rear. She glanced around to see if Jason was there and was disappointed when she couldn’t see him. She wondered if he had decided not to take part in the hike today after all and her heart sank at the unwanted thought.

****

They had been walking for around ten minutes when Jason appeared out of nowhere and tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned her face and smiled widely at him. “Oh! Hi. Where did you come from?”

“I was running a little late, so I brought the bike up and parked it just back there. I didn’t feel like jogging up here in this heat.” He seemed very smiley and looked divine. His collar length dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and he wore long shorts, hiking boots, and a white T-shirt with the WFH logo across the front. Dorcas and Harry were dressed identically—like a uniform.

As if taking this as his cue, David gestured further up toward the middle of the group of students. “I’ll go and check that everyone’s behaving themselves.” She smiled and made a mental note to thank him later.

Once David was out of earshot, Jason asked, “So…how did you sleep last night?” A look of concern etched his features.

She cringed. “Not too well…so many thoughts whizzing around my head, you know?”

“Oh good, so it wasn’t just me then?” He held her arm to pause her as the others walked on. Safe in the knowledge that they were still in view but out of earshot, she stopped. “Look…tonight’s our last night. I’d like to spend it with you. I’m not asking for anything other than your company. I just…I feel that maybe we
need
this. We need to decide on a way forward and this is the last opportunity to do things face to face. I…I…want us to swap numbers. Is that okay? Or at least I want you to have mine. What do you think?”

“I think that’s fine. But I just can’t think about all that now. Let’s talk things through tonight. Right now we’re both working.”

Apparently not satisfied with her answer he grabbed his phone from his pocket. “Look…just get your phone out. Let’s do the numbers thing now. Then we can just forget about it.”

She sighed and took out her phone. Jason sent her his number and vice versa. He looked happy and relieved to know there was a tenuous connection between them. No matter how small.

The hike took in some of the most breath-taking scenery Stevie—and the kids by the sounds of the oohs and ahhs—had ever witnessed. The sky was a vivid azure once again, and the clouds that bothered to make an appearance did so in pretty, little white wisps, like the end of a candyfloss. The distant mountains reached toward the sky and birds of prey circled on the warm therms over head. There were several stops for water, top ups of sunscreen, and snacks. Eventually they stopped for lunch in a stunning location off the beaten track and under the shade of the Scot’s Pines. The surrounding colours and the pungent, sweet fragrance of the trees made her heart flutter.

This was the life.

This was what God had meant people to experience, not high-rise apartments, traffic noise, exhaust fumes, crime, and war. No; clean air, birdsong, blue skies, and vast mountainous backdrops. That’s what life was supposed to be about. She inhaled a lung full of the balmy, fresh air and smiled widely.

“It suits you.”

She looked up into the handsome face she had once been besotted with. “What does?”

“The great outdoors.” He opened his arms out to his sides and moved as if to showcase that very thing. “I caught you smiling, Mrs. Norton. You’re loving this.”

She couldn’t help giggling. “Ahhh…caught red handed. Yes, it really is stunning.” He sat beside her. “So…you have a motorbike? I would never have imagined you on a two wheeler.”

“No? Not even with the hair and the tats?” He grinned. “I love my bike. So much freedom.”

She snorted. “So much
danger
, more like.”