Rebel Rockstar (10 page)

T
he next few
weeks pass in a torturous blur. Of course, as with all media stories like this one, everyone jumps on it and it quickly spirals out of control. I can’t even stay at my own home—people have been camped outside it for days, and they’re showing no sign of letting up. It’s a freaking nightmare! It’s like a circus that I didn’t sign up for, and that I have no chance of escaping from.

Paul has been running around like a headless chicken trying to sort everything out, but it seems like a hopeless cause. No one wants to have anything to do with me anymore. The advertising campaign for an aftershave he had lined up for me based on my new clean-cut image has fallen through. Even the talk shows I’ve been asked to go on have been a no-go because they all just want to tear me to shreds. Paul has batted away every single offer, telling me that silence is the best strategy right now. I’m prepared to do interviews, to defend myself, but he’s having none of it.

I haven’t spoken to Jem or even Lola since all of this started. I have the feeling that if I could just communicate with her, she would be able to help me fix this hellish nightmare, but Paul won’t back down and agree, no matter what I say. He keeps telling me that he knows best, and maybe he’s right. He certainly knows the media better than me, at any rate.

Unfortunately, none of it makes any difference. Nothing Paul and my amazing PR team do helps, because after a while I’m served with a notice that the prosecutor is bringing charges against me. I’m being tried for inappropriate activity with a minor. This trial will end my career for sure. No one can come back from a scandal this huge.

I have no idea where my life will head after this. I try to imagine myself after a stint in prison, trying desperately to get a job, but my imagination is too stunted to make that happen. I even attempt to picture myself getting the charges dropped and trying to restart my career, but in all honesty that prospect isn’t much better either. People always say that there’s no smoke without a fire.

I’m a little shocked that my current team has stuck with me this long—I’m sure there must be a get-out clause in the contracts (I really should have read those) in case of subjects like this.

“Right, Nate.” Paul looks older by the day as more and more stress piles up on his shoulders. He’s currently preparing to leave me for the second time since all of this happened. I’m in a crappy motel, one that no one would suspect me of staying in, and he’s been with me for the majority of the time. But now he needs to go and hire a legal team for the upcoming trial, and that’s something he can’t do while he’s also babysitting me. “I’m off. Stay here, get some sleep, and do
not
get into any trouble.”

“Trust me,” I reply wearily. “I have no intention of doing that.” I wouldn’t go outside even if I wanted to. Who knows who I might bump into? And, since people seem desperate to get a story out of me, it could never go anything but badly. “I’m just going to rest.” I feel like I’ve done nothing but sleep, yet I’m still tired all the damn time.

“I’ll be back in the morning, okay?” Paul has always been a hardass with me in the past, but he’s been great recently, and I’m grateful to have him. I would have fallen apart without him.

As soon as I’m alone, I lie down on the cool sheets and allow a single tear to fall down my cheek. All I’ve wanted for a very long time is Jem, and I
almost
had her. She was practically my girl all over again. Then this had to fucking happen. Thinking of her on that ship without me is killing me. I have no idea if she’ll want anything to do with me after this. If she’ll even be allowed to go anywhere near me.

I’m terrified that this will be the thing that ruins every aspect of my life forever…

* * *

A
fter the first
day of my trial, I really am falling apart. The prosecution absolutely tore me to shreds, bringing up every single nasty aspect of my past—as if those things somehow prove that I’d fool around with a minor. I tried to defend myself at every twist and turn, but everything I said just made it worse. The problem is, I
have
done some bad things in my time, but back then I never thought it would come back to haunt me. I would have behaved a lot differently had I known this was going to be my present.

As I step outside the courthouse, a million and one cameras flash in my face, and questions are yelled at me from every direction:

“How do you defend your behavior?”

“How do you feel like the trial is going?”

“What’s next for you?”

“Did you know she was underage?”

“What do you have to say about Ana Rogan?”

Ana Rogan is someone I went to school with. She sold a story about me doing something similar before with her. It’s all a complete fabrication, but of course that doesn’t matter to the rest of the world. The fact that she’s obviously a money-hungry bitch means nothing. I’ve never spoken to her, never mind anything else, but it’s useless. I’m the target of the witch hunt, and that’s all everyone cares about. Ana Rogan can say whatever the fuck she wants about me, and the rest of the world will lap it up as pure fact.

By the time I get to my hotel room, which is a brand-new one (I’m having to move on a daily basis now), I can’t do anything but collapse onto the bed in a stunned silence. For the first time since all of this happened, I’m starting to think that I might not be able to get the truth out there. People might be convinced that I’m guilty. I could end up in prison. I know I considered that in the past, but only as a hypothetical outcome. Now I’ve realized that it could happen. Dealings with a minor have terrible consequences, and I might have to face them.

I imagine myself in prison scrubs, and it fills me with chills. I could be locked up with some of the worst criminals alive for something I didn’t even do!

What I can’t understand is why Lola isn’t here. She’s supposed to be the reason for all of this, but there hasn’t been any sign of her. She could still be on the cruise for all I know. I never bothered to ask if she was being kicked off too. It makes no sense for all of this to be happening without her. They’ll have to call her to the witness stand at some point, right? This entire trial cannot happen without her. That would just be too unfair for words.

Oh, God. It might be the solution to all of this, but I can’t bear the thought of having to face her up there. I picture Lola discussing our friendship, that night out, the kiss…it fills me with dread. Even if she has to do it from another room it’ll be awful. Especially if they’re as rude to her as they’ve been to me.

I feel so cut off from the world that it’s unreal. I can’t speak to anyone. I can’t switch on the television for fear of seeing my face on the news. I certainly can’t go online to the trolls’ playground. It’s just me, stuck in a revolving door of four white walls, just waiting, with my future in limbo.

Waiting…

Waiting…

Waiting…

This is a goddamn mess. It’s like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from, and I cannot wait for all of this to be over. To be honest, I’m at the point where the anticipation is the worst part. I’d rather know, either way, how this is going to go so I can start preparing myself for the future. Even if that future is the worst possible outcome…

With that thought in mind, I spin around in my bed and grab some paper off the nightstand. If I do go to jail, then Jem needs to know how I feel. I might not be able to say it in person—I can’t imagine that she’ll want to visit me—but I can write her a letter. I’ll ask Paul to deliver it for me. That way, at least I’ll have managed to say goodbye.

Dear Jem,

I’m so sorry that this has all happened. I hate that you got dragged into this mess with me. I just want to say that I understand if you can’t see me anymore, but I want you to know that you were, and always will be, the best thing that ever happened to me. Our road was rocky, but it was amazing and I’ll never forget all the great memories you gave me. Our time on the island was the best few days of my life, and I’ll never ever forget them.

I’m glad we found our way back to one another
—
even if it was only for a short time. You’ve always been perfect for me, and if you decide that you need a clean break from us to keep yourself happy, then I hope you have the best life ever. You really do deserve it. Just know that you’ll always be in my heart. I’ll never forget you.

I love you. I always have and I always will.

Nate xo

I know my note is a little morose and worst-case scenario, but I need to plan for the bad now. It really could go that way, so I need to be prepared. As long as Jem knows how important she is to me, and how much she’s affected my life, I’ll be able to cope with the rest. I’ll be able to tackle it all in a much calmer way.

At least, I hope I will…

M
uch to Kim’s annoyance
, I’ve demanded to see Nate the second I step off the ship. I stuck to my contract, doing exactly what she needed during that time, however much I didn’t want to. I even did another risqué photo shoot, which I hated every second of—and now I need to see him. I haven’t heard a thing from him for weeks. Neither of us have been allowed to contact one another, and I can’t go another day without at the very least speaking to him. I need to know what’s been happening with him, and what that means for us. All I know is the small bits I’ve managed to get from the news, which has told me nothing. I know it’s gone to trial, but that’s about it. Everyone has been telling me that I need to focus on myself, without understanding that if they just
told
me something about Nate, I might be able to concentrate more.

Luckily, Kim has finally relented and is getting a car to take me straight to Nate. I think she finally realized that if she didn’t, I would do it anyway, and that would likely spell disaster—especially with the media circus that I’m sure is surrounding him.

As soon as the ship docks, I sneak out the back and into the town car that’s waiting for me. I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I don’t say goodbye. I simply race away with only Nate’s face on my mind. The driver has been instructed to take me to Nate’s hotel room without any stops, which is perfect for me. I don’t care that I won’t have a moment to clean myself up first.

A
s the car
whizzes through the city, my heart races in anticipation of
finally
having some inside knowledge about what’s happening in Nate’s life. I’d also like to know what’s going on with Lola. I haven’t spoken to her for a long time either, and I’d love to know how she’s doing.

Lola stayed on the ship for a while after the scandal broke in the press, but it soon became too difficult for her to remain, so she was taken off too, leaving me completely out of the loop. I’ve tried to contact her since, but she’s been radio silent as well—I imagine she has to be because of the trial, which is fair enough, but also incredibly frustrating. Things between us were strained as soon as Nate left, but I don’t want to have a permanent falling out, not really. I’d much rather try and understand her, to attempt to rebuild what we once had. She was a great friend of mine, and I don’t want to lose her over a mistake. I’m
sure
she didn’t mean to do what she did. Sure, I was angry at first because I knew about her crush on him, but the more I think about it, the more I’m certain that even a crush wouldn’t be enough for Lola to do that to me.

Nate is waiting for me in the lobby of his ugly, cheap-looking hotel. I race into his arms, throwing myself around him, and we kiss and cuddle for a very long time. We may have only been apart for a short while, but it feels like forever and I’m so glad to be back at his side. I only feel whole when I’m with Nate. I’ve been so lonely without him. My body courses with anticipation at the mere prospect of being this near to him. I can feel that intense chemistry coming back, and it makes me feel happy again.

“Oh, my God, are you okay?” I pant against his cheek, tears already falling. The emotions that rush through my veins feel like they’re going on a crazy rollercoaster. “How have you been? What’s been happening?”

“Come to my room,” he whispers into my ear. “I’ll tell you all about it then. I can’t talk about it out here. I never know when people are listening.” He lets out a small laugh, but I can hear the strain in his tone. This is really getting to him, more than I ever could have realized, and anxiety floods my body.

“Of course.” I follow behind him, my mind whirring with possibilities. Suddenly this feels much more serious than I thought it was going to be. Reading the brief bits about his court case in the news hasn’t given me enough of a picture to fully understand what’s been going on. “Okay. Tell me everything.”

Nate’s face goes through a hundred different emotions as he covers the gory details of the trial, the loss of his big advertising campaign, and the horrible things that have been written about him. By the end of his speech, my head is spinning with the nightmare of it all. I just can’t believe that I’ve had to spend the last few weeks singing on a goddamn cruise ship, and he’s been going through hell. My worst problem is that I’ve been missing him like crazy, and he’s been through the worst times of his entire life. I
should
have been here. It isn’t fair that I wasn’t allowed to be.

“What about Lola?” Clearly she left for the trial, and I would assume that she’s been at the very least sticking up for Nate. “How is she?” I wish I could call her, to ask her how she’s doing myself, but understanding the severity of the trial, of course she can’t talk to me—in case I try to manipulate anything.

“I don’t know,” he announces, completely shocking me. “I haven’t seen her yet. She hasn’t been called up to the witness stand.”

“Wait, what do you mean? Isn’t she the center of all of this?” That makes no sense at all. What the hell is going on here?

“Apparently not.” He drops his head into his hands and I take a second to wrap him up in my arms. “I don’t really know what’s going on. I mean, I have this amazing legal team and they try to explain it to me, but I don’t really get it. I’m just in that witness stand trying to defend myself against people who hate me and already think I’m guilty.”

“The truth will come out in the end,” I say decisively, wanting to sound more confident than I really feel. “You’ll be fine.”

But inside I can’t help but think that this just keeps getting weirder and weirder…

* * *

T
he next morning
, I return back to my own home, but only briefly. I intend to go to court, to support Nate, and to see just how the trial is going. He might have told me not to, and I might be under
very
strict instructions not to get involved at all, but he needs me and that’s more important than anything else. I’ll worry about all my other issues later on. He doesn’t seem to think the trial is going in a very positive direction, but I’m sure it’s not as bad as he thinks. He’s likely bringing his fear along with him and I’d love to be able to reassure him with evidence.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself to convince myself to stop freaking out.

I didn’t tell Nate about my plan, especially because he told me to stay at home, but I’m hoping it’ll be a nice surprise that I’m there. I half think the reason he’s trying to keep me away is because they keep bringing up his past, and he’s worried what that will do to me.

But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. The past is the past, this is the present, and I need to get him through it. I already know that he’s been with a lot of women—that doesn’t bother me. Much, anyway. At least, not as much as this trial.

I throw on some old, baggy clothes. Then I pin my hair back and tie a scarf around it. I finish the disguise off with some oversized sunglasses, trying to hide as much of my face as possible. I want to be at the courthouse, but I don’t want anyone to recognize me. I don’t want to make any of this about me, and I don’t really want my name to be dragged along with the scandal too. I’ve managed to keep out of it so far, what with everyone assuming that we broke up years ago, and I’d much rather it stayed that way. If it all goes horribly wrong, then I’ll have my life ruined too—and there’s no point in us both losing everything over Lola’s mistake.

As I step through the crowds of people surrounding the courthouse, my heart races. Everyone is desperate to get a glimpse of Nate, and by the looks of things they’re willing to do anything to get it. I try and sneak past everyone, wishing I’d come much earlier, before everyone else arrived, but somehow, in the hustle and bustle of the crowd, my scarf gets tugged to one side. I try to pull it back on before anyone sees my face, but someone knocks my sunglasses off and with another person sees who I am.

“Jemima Rockwell! Is that you?” someone yells excitedly above the crowd, causing everyone else to spin in my direction. There’s no way I’ll get away with this now—everyone will know for sure that I’m here to support Nate, and that will make everything else fall into place.

“No, no…” I try, but of course it’s far too late for that. I’ve been spotted, and now people are going crazy for me, tugging on me and screaming questions in my direction. It’s absolutely terrifying, and I’m desperate to escape.

“Does this mean you and Nate are back together?”

“How do you feel about him with an underage girl?”

“What does the future hold for both of you?”

They are so desperate for an exclusive story that they’re willing to do anything to get it. I begin to panic. I can’t escape as people get closer and closer around me. I’ve never been in a position quite this bad before—it’s always been one or two photographers, or I’ve had someone from my management team around to protect me. I push and shove and try to run, but people surround me, closer and closer, until I can’t breathe. My head spins. My breaths are labored and tears fall down my cheeks.

“Please,” I beg quietly. “Please let me go.
Please
let me go.” Eventually, by some miracle, I break out at the back of the crowd and race as far away from the courthouse as I possibly can. All thoughts of helping Nate fly from my mind as my self-preservation instinct kicks in. I cannot be around all of that drama, no matter what. I’m already going to be the headline news tomorrow, and that’s going to be bad enough. I can’t be around people who are so desperate for a quote that they’ll do anything.

I can see the headlines now:

“Foolish Jem cheated on with underage pop star”

“Idiot Jem supports her criminal boyfriend”

“Jemima Rockwell loses her career…”

Kim is going to kill me.

As my feet pound along the pavement, I feel myself becoming consumed with another panicked thought. This is awful! Maybe it really is as bad as Nate suspected. What will I do if I end up losing him forever?