Rebellious Daughters (29 page)

‘If you're so keen on fucking counselling,' my daughter screamed at me one morning in the car, ‘why don't
you
fucking go?'

This brought me up short. She had a point and it surprised me that despite the emotional intelligence I prided myself on, I had completely lost perspective when it came to dealing with my youngest daughter. Rather shamefacedly, I followed her advice and took myself off to a counsellor.

At the first appointment I poured out my tale of woe in great detail. Here I was, a good and conscientious parent (in my own humble opinion) doing my absolute best with a
recalcitrant daughter. As I described my repeated attempts to get through to her and to reestablish our relationship, I had never felt sorrier for myself in my life.

‘You tell me all this as if she is doing it on purpose.'

The counsellor's remark also brought me up short. She was right. I did feel as if this was all about me, that my daughter was withholding communication and therefore affection from me on purpose. If I had felt sorry for myself before, I now felt ashamed of myself.

‘She's a teenager,' the counsellor said. ‘What she is doing is all she can do right now. Why don't you just back off?'

It wasn't as easy as that, of course. I am not a natural backer-offer. But I tried. I decided to let her be, even if that meant stuffing up her HSC. I acknowledged her need to build a thick boundary between us. I even saw how my dependence on her during her older sister's worst moments might have contributed to her need to keep me at a firm emotional distance. I didn't like it but I accepted it. I tried to be supportive but not intrusive. I am sure I wasn't very good at it, but I was better than I had been. It helped a lot to realise my daughter wasn't withdrawing on purpose to hurt me.

It took a while but eventually taking the pressure off worked. I remember exactly when our relationship turned the corner. Her older sister and I had decided to go to Canberra for the weekend to see the Van Gogh exhibition at the National Gallery. My youngest hadn't achieved a
brilliant HSC but she had earned a place at the College of Fine Arts at the University of NSW to major in photography. Tentatively, thinking she might therefore be interested in the exhibition, I asked her if she would like to join us. I expected to be rejected out of hand. And I was.

‘No!' She pulled a face, ‘I don't think so.' Then she went into her bedroom and shut the door. I looked at her sister and we both shrugged. Oh well, we had tried. Suddenly her door opened.

‘Actually, I will come.'

She shut the door again. My older daughter and I punched the air in glee silently. We knew this thaw was fragile and didn't want to damage it with too much enthusiasm too early.

The three of us had a wonderful weekend.

Now my daughters are adults and I get along beautifully with both of them. It is difficult to navigate the years when your children separate from you, but it is what they must do if they are to successfully become their own people. These days I am proud of my rebellious daughters. I am proud of the courage both of them displayed when they insisted on showing me where I stopped and they started. I respect the boundaries they drew then and I hope I always will.

My daughters have taught me far more than I ever taught them.

CONTRIBUTORS

Caroline Baum
is a writer who reads for a living as Editorial Director of Booktopia, Australia's online bookseller. Her short memoir was included in
Best Australian Essays 2014
. She is the winner of the 2015 Hazel Rowley Fellowship and currently writing a biography as part of a doctorate in Creative Writing at the University of Wollongong.

More at
www.carolinebaum.com.au

Jane Caro
is an author, journalist, broadcaster, advertising writer and social commentator. She has published seven books, including novels
Just a Girl,
University of Queensland Press, 2011 and
Just a Queen
, University of Queensland Press, 2015. Her memoir
Plain Speaking Jane
was released in 2015. She is a regular on
Agony, Q&A, The Drum, Sunrise
and
Weekend Sunrise
. In 2013 she co-created, co-produced (with Amanda Armstrong) and presented a radio series for ABC Life Matters,
For Better, For Worse
, which is now a TV series for ABC
Compass
. Her series
Fathers and Daughters, Mothers and Sons
for
Compass
is out in 2016. She writes columns for
Sunday Life
and
Leadership Matters.
Together with her husband, she is also a beef producer and timber grower.

Jo Case
is the author of
Boomer and Me: A Memoir of Motherhood, and Asperger's
, Hardie Grant, 2013, which was shortlisted for the inaugural Russell Prize for
Humour Writing. Her memoir and fiction have appeared in
The Big Issue Fiction Edition, Best Australian Stories, The Australian, Good Weekend, Kill Your Darlings
and the anthology
Mothermorphosis
, Melbourne University Press. Her reviews have appeared in
The Age, Sydney Morning Herald, The Australian, Australian Book Review
and on ABC Radio National. She is program manager of Melbourne Writers Festival, and has been associate editor of
Kill Your Darlings
and deputy editor of
Australian Book Review
.

Marion Halligan
was born in Newcastle, NSW. She grew up by the sea and has lived most of her adult life in Canberra, with periods in Paris. She writes novels, short stories and essays. She has regularly reviewed books. Currently she is writing short memoir pieces. She has received an AM for her services to literature. She has been shortlisted for many prizes, and has won some.
Valley of Grace
, Allen & Unwin, 2009, won the ACT Book of the Year and was long-listed for the IMPAC Prize.
Goodbye Sweetheart
, a novel, was published by Allen & Unwin in April 2015.

Eliza-Jane Henry-Jones
' debut novel,
In the Quiet
, was published in 2015 with HarperCollins Australia. It was shortlisted for the 2015 Readings Prize for New Australian Fiction and longlisted for the 2016 Indie
Book Awards debut fiction category. Her fiction has been published widely in publications such as
Southerly, Island, FourW, Award Winning Australian Writing
and
Etchings
. Her background is in grief, loss and trauma counselling, psychology and community services. She lives on a little farm in the hills outside of Melbourne.

Leah Kaminsky
, a physician and award-winning writer, is Poetry and Fiction Editor at the
Medical Journal of Australia
. Her debut novel
The Waiting Room
is published by Vintage, 2015, and Harper Perennial US, 2016.
We're all Going to Die
, a work of creative nonfiction, is published by Harper Collins, 2016. She conceived and edited
Writer MD
, a collection of works by prominent physician-writers, which starred on Booklist, Knopf US, 2012. With the Damiani family, she is co-author of
Cracking the Code
, Vintage, 2015. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts. More at
www.leahkaminsky.com

Maria Katsonis
is a senior executive in the Victorian Department of Premier and Cabinet and author of the memoir
The Good Greek Girl
, Ventura Press, 2015, an account of her experience of mental illness and rebellion against a traditional Greek upbringing. Her writing has appeared in
The Age, The Guardian
and
New Paradigm
. A vocal mental health advocate, Maria is a beyondblue
Ambassador and a consumer representative with Mental Health Australia.

More at
www.mariakatsonis.com.au

Krissy Kneen
is the award-winning author of the memoir
Affection
, Text, 2010, the novels
Steeplechase
, Text, 2013 and
Tript-ych
, Text, 2011, and the Thomas Shapcott Award-winning poetry collection
Eating My Grandmother
. She has written and directed broadcast documentaries for SBS and ABC television. Her latest novel is
The Adventures of Holly White and the Incredible Sex Machine
.

Lee Kofman
is an award-winning Israeli-Australian author of four books, writing teacher and mentor. Her most recent book is
The Dangerous Bride: Memoir of Love, Gods and Geography
, Melbourne University Press, 2014, which has been included in recommended books lists
The Age
and
Australian Book Review
in 2014 and
The Age
in 2015. Her short works have been published widely in Australia, Scotland, UK, USA and Canada, including in Best Australian Stories and Best Australian Essays, and her blog on the writing process was a finalist for Best Australian Blogs 2014.

More at
www.leekofman.com.au

Silvia Kwon
is a Korean born writer based in Melbourne. She has written a novel,
The Return
, which was published in 2014 by Hachette Australia. It was voted as the debut novel of that year by the
Herald Sun
.

Michelle Law
is a Brisbane writer whose work has appeared in
Women of Letters, Growing up Asian in Australia, Destroying the Joint
and in many Australian literary journals. She is an AWGIE award-winning screenwriter whose films have screened internationally and on the ABC. In 2014 she co-authored the comedy book
Sh*t Asian Mothers Say
, Black Inc, 2014. Michelle is currently working on her first stage play with La Boite Theatre, and is part of the Playwriting Australia Lotus First Draft group of playwrights, a program supporting Asian Australian writers.

More at
www.michelle-law.com

Amra Pajalic
is an author, editor and teacher. Her debut novel
The Good Daughter
, Text, 2009, won the 2009 Melbourne Prize for Literature's Civic Choice Award, and was a finalist in the 2009 Melbourne Prize for Literature Best Writing Award. She is also author of a novel for children
Amir: Friend on Loan
, Garratt Publishing, 2014, and co-editor of
Coming of Age: Growing up Muslim in Australia
, Allen & Unwin, 2014, an anthology shortlisted for the 2015 Children's Book
Council Book of the Year. She is funded by Arts Victoria to develop her memoir
Things Nobody Knows But Me
. More at
www.amrapajalic.com

Nicola Redhouse
is a writer and book editor. She has been published in places including
Best Australian Stories 2014
and
2015, Meanjin, Kill Your Darlings, Wet Ink, harvest, The Big Issue
and
Indigo
. She is currently writing a non-fiction book about psychoanalysis, science and her family story.

Jamila Rizvi
is a writer, editor, commentator and presenter. She is Editor at Large for
Mamamia
and appears regularly on TV shows including
News Breakfast, The Project
and
The Verdict
. Jamila worked for both the Rudd and Gillard Governments advising on youth, media, women, childcare and employment issues. In 2014 she was named one of Australia's 100 most influential women by Westpac and
The Australian Financial Review
. Jamila holds degrees in law and commerce, is married to Jeremy and mother to baby Rafi. She maintains that her greatest ever achievement is having a jaffle named after her at the local pub, the ‘Jam Rizzle'.

Rochelle Siemienowicz
is a film critic, journalist, editor and columnist. She has a PhD in Australian cinema and was previously film editor for
The Big
Issue
and editor at the Australian Film Institute. Her work has been published widely, including in
The Age, Kill Your Darlings, Archer, Eureka Street
and
SBS Movies
. Her first book
Fallen: A Memoir About Sex, Religion and Marrying Too Young
is published by Affirm Press, 2015.

Rebecca Starford
is the co-founder and publishing director of
Kill Your Darlings
. Her debut memoir
Bad Behaviour
, Allen & Unwin, 2015, is out now.

Susan Wyndham
is literary editor of
The Sydney Morning Herald.
She has been a journalist for 35 years, as a reporter and feature writer, editor of
Good Weekend
magazine, New York correspondent for
The Australian
and a deputy editor of
The Herald
. She is the author of
Life in His Hands: The True Story of a Neurosurgeon and a Pianist
, Picador Australia, 2008, contributing editor of
My Mother, My Father: On Losing a Parent
, Allen & Unwin, 2013 and has contributed to several other books. She lives in Sydney with her husband, Paul Sheehan.