My
life is fucked six ways from Sunday. I’m in a place in my head that I never
thought to be ever in my life, and I feel like my hands are tied. I’m the type
of guy who likes to take care of shit that gets in my way but now find myself
in a situation where I can do nothing, and it’s burning me the fuck up. I want
to lash- out but there’s no one to lash out at. This shit was of my own making,
because I was a blind fool. That’s what makes it so hard, the fact that I
brought this shit on myself; that there’s no one else to blame. My trust in my
own judgment has been shaken to the core. I can’t even think straight because
of all the shit that’s going on in my head these days. My every moment seems to
be consumed by anger and hate, two emotions that were never a part of me but
were now my constant companions.

Never
again, that’s all I’ve been telling myself for the past few weeks. I’ve become
hard and disgruntled, pretty much disgusted with people as a whole and I can’t
seem to drag my ass out of this funk. I’ve become disassociated from the life
that I once knew. That seems to be the best answer for now; how can I face them
really after what I almost allowed to happen? So what if I didn’t actually have
a hand in the shit that went down? I still feel responsible; I’m still the one
who had brought the shit to my family’s door. And no matter how much they claim
I’m not to blame that doesn’t ease the guilt. Doesn’t erase the horror of what
I’d almost brought on all our heads. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking
about it; which is usually the case and one of the reasons why I can’t seem to
kick the shit and move on.

My
family have been watching me like they expect me to off myself any minute or
some shit. I can’t or won’t talk to anyone about what I’m feeling; I have to
bear the burden on my own. So right now they’re playing the guessing game and
obviously coming to the conclusion that I’m gonna do something drastic to
myself.

That
too is a blow, that my loved ones would think me so weak. But what can I
expect? Wasn’t it that weakness that had allowed that snake to infiltrate?
Wasn’t it my weakness that had blinded me to who and what she truly was? My guts
roiled and burned as I felt the gorge rise into my throat. It wouldn’t be the
first time I threw up over this mess. But not today, I was done with that at
least. I fought back the nastiness and focused on something else as I sat there
sweating with my fists clenched.

I’ve spent the last few weeks hiding out and
licking my wounds, not letting anyone get too close. Not even my baby brother,
who’s the closest thing to me in this world. It was because of him that I was
having such a hard time with the way things had transpired, because deep down I
know I’d failed him somehow. Some days, I wanted to just crawl into one of
dad’s cognac bottles and escape when the enormity of Patti’s actions became too
much for me to bear. I don’t even drink but that’s what this shit has brought
me to, I feel like I’ve aged twenty years in the last few months, like my life
has ended before it really begun. How can one person cause so much pain and
destruction through their actions? How can she have the power to bring me this
low? Some days the anger was so strong it’s all I held onto but I know that’s
dangerous and would only destroy me in the end.

I
won't give that bitch the satisfaction though. My biggest problem now that the
fog is finally clearing is that I can’t wrap my hands around her neck and
finish her lying ass off for what she did to my family and I. I can’t sleep at
night, tossing and turning with hate burning a hole in me. I can see myself
going down a very slippery slope and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do
to stop it. My every thought these days are of revenge. How did I go from
thinking I was in love with this beast to totally abhorring her very existence?
Now all I can think of is destroying her completely. What she had set out to
do, had in fact put into action was beyond evil in my eyes; something I would
never have imagined her capable of.

Therein
lay the problem, how can I ever trust anyone again? I’m hardly nineteen years
old and I’ve been dealt a blow I’m not sure many could recover from, or at
least that’s the way I feel about it. I feel unmanned, like everything I ever
thought about myself was a damn lie. I use to think I was strong; I knew what
was important in life and at the head of that list was family. Then I’d let my
family down, most importantly my little brother who was like one of my limbs.
The bond we shared was not something I could easily explain, and when the girl
I’d been in love with for three years had hurt him it had done something awful
to the person I once was. She’d fucking gutted me, the psychotic freak.

I
can't believe I wasted three years on her ass. That's the thing that fucks with
my head more than anything else; that I was such a sap, a blind fool. My little
brother is very happy these days though so that's something; she hadn’t
achieved what she’d set out to do. Had she been able to carry out her plans I
might be the one sitting in a jail cell for committing murder. She never
understood no matter how many times I told her. My brother is my heart no one
is allowed to fuck with him. Not even the woman I loved or thought I did.

Joshua
is special in more ways than one. Since the day mom brought the little shit
home from the hospital when I was little more than a baby myself, I’ve always
seen myself as his protector. When we grew older and everyone realized how
different he was it got even worst. Because of his intelligence other kids
thought he was an easy target. They thought he was a nerd or some shit, one of
those supposedly weak beings that they could just pick on at will. I spent my
whole life standing between him and them. I knew the truth of course; we
trained together after all. But as his older brother I still saw it as my job
to protect. I’d taken that duty very seriously our whole lives. And then I’d
brought someone into our world that had tried to destroy him. Was it any wonder
I was finding it hard to deal with this shit?

He
and his new bride are always smiling and happy it seems these days now that the
whole mess is behind us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people so fucking
happy to be getting on each other’s nerves. Even their fights are kinda loving
if that shit even makes sense. And since she got her hooks into him I'm not so
worried about him becoming a master criminal any more. These days the intense
little fuck spends most of his time behind closed doors with his young bride
instead of getting into shit. It’s funny that I was the one with a steady girl
all through high school while Josh played the field, now he’s the one settled
down.

Married as a teenager damn. If anyone could
make it work it would be him though, he's always been that way. He knows what
he wants and can be very tenacious about getting it. His wife is his carbon
copy; I guess that's why they’d had their rough patches in the beginning, too
much a fucking like. I’m not jealous of what they have, I’m happy for my
brother. But what they share only makes me see what a mockery my relationship
with the viper had been. Just makes it harder to accept that I’d wasted so much
time for nothing.

Come
on Matt, you’ve got to pull yourself out of this funk; you’re acting like a
bitch. So what she turned out to be an evil troll? That’s not your fault there
was no way for you to know since she kept that shit well hidden. No one knew
she was capable of the things she did. Telling myself the same thing day in and
day out didn’t seem to be doing the trick. Somehow I was still always left with
a feeling of ineptitude. I hung my head again as the weight of my thoughts
threatened to drag me under.

Chapter 2

"What
are you thinking about so hard over here bro?" The little fuck sneaked up
on me as I’m sitting here alone, which was about all I do these days; hide away
from everyone and everything. I have no interest in anything anymore. Maybe one
day that will change but right now I don’t give a fuck about shit. They’ve been
leaving me alone thus far but I guess Joshua has decided I’ve had enough time
to lick my wounds.

"Where's
lil sis, you actually letting her breathe?" I looked around for Carrie.
Since the wedding you hardly saw one of them without the other. It’s almost as
if one can’t breathe without the other for too long. My brother is totally
whipped but I won't be the one to bring that to his attention though. I might
catch a left hook; he can be a bit volatile at times.

"Funny bro. Well?"

"Well
what?" He sighed before dropping down next to me, glaring me down.

"If
you sit around here like this one more day I will personally go to that skank's
holding cell and strangle the fuck out of her."

Crazy fuck would probably do it
too. "What makes you think I'm thinking about her?"

"Kill the shit Matt, it's
been weeks since she's been arrested. You haven't even looked at your cars in
all that time, and you haven't hardly left the house."

"I'm fine bro just getting
my head straight." I didn’t look at him as I said it because there was
something there; something sickening in my stomach that I didn’t quite
understand whenever I faced him or anyone else in the family.

"About what?"

Fucker's
like a dog with a bone.

"Leave
it alone Joshua, I said I'm fine." He's not the only Steele with more than
a little fire, though he tends to forget that and the fact that I'm older. I
guess he thinks I lost my teeth when the bitch gutted me, and I guess I have
been acting like it.

"Do
you know what you're telling me Matthew? You're telling me that my happiness is
at the expense of yours." That shit threw me for a hot minute and that
sick feeling burned a hole in my gut.

"What
the fuck, where'd you come up with that one? You're slipping Einstein, that
shit’s not even cool bro." Fuck have I really been making him feel like
that? Shit never crossed my mind, I’ve just been feeling lost. I’d passed up
the opportunity to graduate a year early so that I could wait for my little
brother. I’ve always been aware that this small town was too stifling for him
somehow. So I’d convinced myself early on that I had to stay and keep watch
over him until we could both get out together. Besides as close as we are it
was the only thing that made sense.

Maybe
that was part of Patti’s problem, the fact that I was so over protective of my
brother. The fact that we’re so close and that I always looked out for him.
There were times when I’d put him before her and it had driven her crazy, maybe
I should’ve learned from that. Now our lives have been changed in ways I hadn’t
been prepared for. We' re still getting out, only now he's got his wife and
I've got shit. Shit, that doesn't even sound right in my head. Was I really
that fucked up that I begrudged my brother his happiness? No fucking way, not
even a little bit. Whatever was going on inside my head had nothing to do with
envy, and everything to do with disappointment in myself.

"I
never meant to make you feel that way bro I'm happy as fuck for you and lil sis
you know that. I just...I feel a little adrift right now you know, no biggie
it'll pass." He studied me for a minute without saying anything until I
was ready to ask him what the fuck!

"One of those things
worrying you wouldn't happen to be school would it?"

I just
looked at him without saying a word. What was there to say after all? The truth
is I always had my life mapped out. I was going to go off to college with Josh
in tow and Patti would follow me wherever I ended up. We'd get married
eventually, move back here and have about six kids. Fuck, how did I not know
she was a psychotic bitch?

Finally
I just nodded my head; after all he'd just pull it out of me anyway, brainy
fuck.

"No worries bro, we've already
got it covered."

"Who's we and what did you
cover?"

"Carrie
and I, she went snooping and found your acceptance letter. Imagine my surprise
when you didn't tell me about it. Did you think I forgot what you'd always
planned bro? Shame on you."

"Carrie
was snooping in my room?"

"Yep that's the price you
pay for making her feel like she fucked up your life. By the way cut that shit
out, if she sulks over it one more time it’s gonna be your ass.”

“What did you do bro?”

“Signed you up of course, the
fuck you think I did?”

I wasn’t
sure if to be mad or grateful, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go anymore. And
that was just bullshit.

“Promise
me you don’t hold me responsible for anything she did.” Fuck where the hell had
that come from? I wasn’t even aware that I had that in me that my mind had
taken me there. Maybe it was good that we were having this talk after all. My
brother studied me like I was missing a few marbles; little did he know I’ve
been feeling like it here lately. What guy wanted to wake up one day and
realize the girl he thought he loved was capable of setting an innocent young
girl up to be raped? I had no idea what to do with any of this shit. While the
rest of the world had gone on with life as usual I was trapped in a place
inside myself that would not let me forget what a complete fool I’d been. Tough
guy Matt Steele was nothing more than a blind fool. How could I trust anything
ever again?

“Are you
high Matthew?”

“The fuck? Of course not why
would you ask me that?” Is that what my family thought?

“No reason I’m just trying to
figure out why you’re talking like an asshole, sorry.”

“I can’t help it bro, this shit
is messing with my head. How could I not have known what she was? I wasted
three years of my life on that shit.”

“Well if you feel that way about
it why would you give her another day?”

“Come
again?”

“This
shit you’re doing, it’s letting her win. She has that much control over you
bro, that’s on you. She did her thing now she’s gone, you need to move the fuck
on.”

“Dude are
you seventeen or seventy; your old wise ass.” I punched his shoulder playfully;
it was the first time I’d had any physical contact with anyone in what felt
like forever. My brother and I have always been the rumble tumble type. One of
us was always thumping the shit out of the other, it’s how we communicated that
love we had for each other. Even that had been sullied, somehow I felt like I’d
lost that right. I’d failed him in the worst way possible and now I didn’t know
how to get us back. Dude you are totally turning bitch; I shook my head at my
inner musings.

“Fuck
you bro.” he returned the punch with a grin and I felt that sore place inside
ease just a little.

“Nice way to talk to the wounded
Steele.” I turned to look at my new sister in law as she joined us.

“There she is, what’re you doing
down here Lamb, I thought you said you were tired?”

“I was
but then I rolled over and you were gone.”

BOOK: Rebound: Passion Book 2

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