Reclaimed (34 page)

Good heavens. Things were definitely not as they appeared. Paul had only seen them happy. The perfect couple blessed with the perfect marriage.

Tom cleared his throat. “Dre thought maybe it’d be too awkward for you to talk to her about this, but she wondered if it wasn’t part of your struggle.”

Paul rubbed his hair. Yeah, talking to Dre would be weird. Really, really weird. But part of him wished she were sitting here now. “What did she do?”

“Love keeps no record of wrong.” Tom shifted against the couch. “That was her anchor, and she stayed by it. Doesn’t really apply to your situation per se, but that passage is loaded. Love is a high calling, and not an easy one at that.”

Love… bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

God, I’m failing now. I know the right reaction. I know it, but I don’t feel it.

That was the thing about emotion. It didn’t always lead true. Could lead to disaster. Wasn’t that the reason he wouldn’t let Suzanna confront Chuck? Because her anger —her emotions—wouldn’t serve her well?

So, there it was. The right answer. Move on. Love her and let the past rest. Why, then, did he still feel miserable?

Suzanna rubbed her temples, wishing away the throbbing pain. Sleep would have helped. But just like Paul, it had left her for five days. Oh, it taunted her here and there. She’d drift off, only to wake up more tired and restless after a couple of hours. Teasers. Kind of like Paul’s short texts.

Hey Suz. Thinking of u 2day.

Morning Suz. Praying 4 u 2day.

Miss u.

He missed her?
Then come home.
Why would he stay away so long unless he couldn’t forgive her? If he couldn’t forgive her, then why did he keep her hanging on?

A strong surge of anger made her head hurt worse. She should have left. Wait? For what? To sit on a wire while Paul dabbled in indecision? She’d been widowed. Where was his compassion? Where was the man she thought she’d fallen in love with? Not here and apparently not down on the river property, either. The Paul Rustin she loved had a bigger heart, a kinder spirit. The Paul Rustin she loved was not the man torturing her right now.

Suzanna ripped her earbuds out and slammed her fists against her keyboard. Her wrist bone smacked the desk, and the impact raced along her nerves all the way up her arm.

Ouch.
Sheesh, Suzanna. No wonder the man can’t decide.

Anger dissolved into tears. She wished she had just stayed mad.

THIRTY-TWO

Paul’s cell phone chirped before he remounted Buck. After double-checking the gate he’d just closed, he checked the ID—Dre—not Suzie. She didn’t respond to his texts. Hadn’t tried to call him once. Where was she?

He should call her, but every time he pulled his phone out and started to pushed
Send
, he pictured her face before he’d left. A mask of stone. He couldn’t handle that kind of detachment over the phone. He wouldn’t be able to tell if anger or hurt chilled her voice without looking at her.

They needed to talk face-to-face. Which meant he needed to go home, but he’d started a job and didn’t intend to leave it half done. One more day’s worth of work, and he could take off.

He answered Dre’s call just before it went to voice mail, expecting her to ask when he was coming back.

“Hey, Dre. I’ve got a couple more pastures to ride tomorrow, and then I’ll be done.” He pulled himself up into the saddle.

“Paul, you need to be done today.” Panic animated her voice.

His stomach twisted. What had Chuck done now? “Is Suz okay?”

“It’s not Suzanna. It’s Daddy.” She stopped, tears cutting her voice short. “I’m on my way to the hospital now. You need to come.”

Suzanna parked her Honda on the street across from the school and stared out the windshield. How do you tell three little kids their grandpa had been rushed to the hospital?

Is he dead?
They would ask. Suzanna didn’t know. She hadn’t heard from Andrea in a couple of hours. It didn’t sound good though.

Can we see him?
No answer there, either. She’d asked Andrea if she should bring them to the hospital, but Andrea hadn’t been sure. It was a little more than an hour’s drive, and Andrea didn’t want the kids there unless there was a reason—like to say get well or good-bye. Not to stare at a dead body.

Her phone buzzed, indicating a text.

Daddy’s in ICU. Do you mind bringing the kids?

Suzanna typed a quick answer and then left to weed out the Kent children from the tangle of school kids pouring from the building. Kelsey saw her first and lit up with a smile. Suzanna’s heart ached, hating that the news she was about to share would crush her young friend.

The drive had been nearly silent, and the air felt heavy as Suzanna pulled into the hospital parking lot. Andrea’s Expedition was easy to find, and spotting the truck parked next to it made her heart even heavier. How would Paul react to her bringing the kids—to her being here? She locked her worry away in a far corner of her mind. Didn’t matter right now. Andrea asked her to come, and Kelsey needed her.

Good God, anchor my mama’s soul.

Paul held her small, wrinkled hand. It trembled.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Rustin. I have to ask you to make a decision.” The young doctor sat across from them, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped, and sympathy written in his dark eyes. “Your husband’s lack of brain activity indicates he will not recover.”

God, why couldn’t you have just taken him quickly? How is Mama supposed to make this decision?

The stroke, or series of strokes, had chipped away at his father for several years. Even if he lived through this, which didn’t sound likely, life would be that much harder. How much more could his mother take?

“He who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live.” Mother’s voice quivered as she whispered the recitation. She turned her tear-laden face first to Paul and then to Andrea and then pulled both their hands into her chest. “Your daddy’s eternity is secure in the hands of Christ.” She paused as a sob tore through her frame. “It is time to let him get to it.”

Paul’s chest lurched, and his lips quivered. He gathered his mother close, pulling Andrea in with her, and they cried.

The doctor rose, catching Paul’s eyes and tipping a nod. “When you’re ready, I’ll meet you in his room.”

Saying good-bye felt like what he’d imagined it would be like to be hit by a truck. Pain burned in his chest, and it hurt to talk, to breathe. Paul said his good bye, waited for Dre and then pulled her under his arm until he delivered her safely to Tom, who waited in the hall. She huddled against her husband’s chest, and Paul turned back to the open doorway of his dad’s room.

“Thank you for the wonderful life, Clyde.” His mother’s words came broken and soft. “I’m so blessed to have shared it with you. But now Jesus is calling you home, and I won’t stand in the way.” Her cries trembled through her frame, and she buried her face against his chest. “I love you.”

Paul turned away as the intensity of the emotion sliced at his heart.

Suzanna sat next to Kelsey, who stared across the family waiting room with an empty expression. Tom had come twenty minutes earlier to tell kids he wasn’t going to live, and then they had been allowed to see their grandpa. They’d been taken to say good-bye and returned to Suzanna’s care. Kiera and Keegan clung to their father, their sniffles filling the room. Kelsey sat by Suzanna, her eyes moist with unshed tears.

Reaching for her hand, Suzanna understood all too well the girl’s soundless retreat.

Kelsey clasped Suzanna’s fingers and raised her pale face. “Mama says you were married, but your husband died.”

Suzanna swallowed as her lips began to tremble. She nodded.

Kelsey leaned against Suzanna’s shoulder. “Will it always hurt like this?”

Pain overcame every shred of anger, every determined resolution to keep it at bay. She pulled Kelsey close under one arm and tucked her head close.

A masculine hand pushed a tissue into hers. She took the tissue, and his fingers wrapped over her hand. Paul kneeled in front of them, pulling them both close to his chest. He pressed a kiss against Suzanna’s forehead and then moved to kiss Kelsey. He held them, and Suzanna felt a foreign sensation of safety even as her tears fell.

Kelsey’s question continued to swim in her heart. She didn’t have an answer.

Please, don’t let it always hurt like this. I want to live.

Compassion suddenly flooded the spot that had been angry with Suzanna. Is this what it had been like for her? Did she still live with this agony?

Paul sniffed and released the girls from his hold. He moved to the chair next to Suzanna, taking her hand in his.

Dre came through the door, her face splotchy and eyes red rimmed. “I think it’s time to get the kids home,” she said. “Paul, will you stay with Mama?”

Paul nodded. Tom rose with his two younger children still wrapped in his arms. Kelsey slid from her seat but didn’t move forward. Suzanna shifted and tugged her hand away from Paul’s to reach for his niece. The pair clung together in a silent embrace, and gratitude sat next to the ache in Paul’s heart. They needed each other, those two.

Tom and Dre waited until Kelsey was ready, and then the Kent family left the hospital. Suzanna sat at Paul’s side, her eyes dry. He reached for her hand again, and she willingly took it, but their estrangement remained heavy.

“Is this what it was like?” Paul whispered.

She bit her lip as her forehead puckered. She was fighting against her emotions. But closing it up wasn’t helping her. Wasn’t helping them. He let go of her hand and pulled her under his arm. “I’m sorry I reacted badly, Suzie.” He leaned his head against hers. “I really do want to be the man you need.”

Her body trembled. Suddenly she was huddled against him.

“Does it still hurt like this?” he asked, holding her tight.

“No”—her voice cut out—“sometimes.”