Red Desert - Point of No Return (8 page)

Why haven’t I thought
about that before? He couldn’t refuse to come; he couldn’t justify
that with Houston. I would definitely prefer to risk staying with
him than dying here without having found anything.

I would’ve said the
opposite until yesterday.

But is there enough
energy in the rover’s batteries? Travelling by night, the panels on
the roof can’t recharge them, and the remaining fuel won’t last for
such a long journey.

I whirl. I cannot stay
here and laze around. I must get back to the rover and check the
remaining driving range. If there is even the slightest hope of
making it, I’ll leave immediately northwards. I’ve decided it’s too
early to die.

Then a question creeps
into my mind, and my new certainties are shaken. Am I avoiding
going the whole hog? Am I escaping again?

Before I can find an
answer, the ground fails beneath my feet. The rocky ridge where I’m
standing is detaching. I’m falling. I stretch out my arms, but my
hands slip on the stone as it crumbles.

Slowly at first, then
faster and faster, my body rolls. I feel my arms, my legs, and my
helmet hitting the rock. Down, and down again. It hurts, I can’t
even scream. I just want it to stop. I want to stop.

I feel the last impact
and I’m still.

“Dennis, are you
there?” I said, entering his office without knocking.

The room had been
almost completely emptied, apart from his desk. There were some
crates scattered on the floor. Within them all the personal objects
Dennis couldn’t take with him to Mars, but which he should get rid
of anyway. After our departure his office would go to someone
else.

When I entered, given
the chaos, I didn’t notice him immediately. Then I spotted him,
slumped on the sofa. Hassan.

“Hey, hi,” I greeted
him, puzzled. “What are you doing here?”

I’d never liked Hassan
Qabbani, since the first training day. I considered him rude and
his look gave me the creeps. In that moment, while seeing him so
quiet with that arrogant expression, I couldn’t help comparing him
to my father. The bloody image of the latter re-emerged in my mind
for a second, leaving me breathless.

“I’m reviewing with
Dennis all the bureaucratic papers regarding me,” he replied
without greeting me. He remained comfortably seated and looked me
up and down from head to toe.

I couldn’t understand
what he was talking about. In the end, in spite of his talents and
his huge experience, he hadn’t been recruited. Liang had been
preferred instead, since he had worked at NASA for much longer.

“I thought he just
took care of the
Isis
mission, he must have passed all other
tasks to his successor at vice-direction by now.” I had the feeling
I was missing something.

“Indeed,” he said with
a half-smile. His eyes lingered on my body. “Oh!” he added, as if
he had just realised the situation. “You don’t know yet.”

“Know what?” I
exclaimed. I felt a slight sense of unease, which I decided not to
ponder on.

“Liang has opted out,
so I’m replacing him.”

The news petrified me.
He noticed my reaction and seemed quite amused by it.

“It seems he had some
family issues. I dunno what exactly.” From the way he was speaking,
he gave the impression that he was disinterested in the whole
matter. In the mission, I mean. As if joining it or not wouldn’t
make such a difference. He didn’t seem thrilled about the news, or
even worried. To tell the truth, he had the appearance of someone
who was playing a joke. For an instant I thought he was making fun
of me. Or perhaps I hoped he was.

“Where is he?” I
asked, pointing at the desk. I was talking about Dennis.

“He went to the
toilet. Oh, here he is.”

At that very moment
Dennis came out from his private bathroom door.

“Hi, Anna!” He
welcomed me with a wide smile. “How was your journey?”

“What’s this about
Liang opting out?” I asked unceremoniously.

Dennis glanced at
Hassan with disapproval and then turned to me. He had lost his
joviality. “We’re going to officially communicate the news at the
two p.m. briefing. Anyway, yes, it’s really true.”

“I can’t believe
that,” I commented under my breath, still bewildered by the
news.

“Did you need
something in particular?” Dennis was busy and seemed anxious to get
rid of me. And I didn’t like that at all.

“Actually yes,” I
exclaimed, resolute. “I urgently need to talk to you in private.
Now.”

He knew me well enough
to understand I wouldn’t leave before we had a face to face
conversation. Resigned, he sighed and turned to Hassan. “Could you
excuse us for a minute? I’ll call you back.”

The latter smiled with
politeness. “Sure.” He stood up. While passing he patted me on the
back. “See you later,” he said to Dennis, but looking at me.

I kept cool, until I
heard the door closing, then I exploded. “What the hell happened to
Liang? Are you telling me we’re leaving with that guy?”

Dennis snorted. He was
aware that, for some reason, there was bad blood between me and
Hassan, and had been expecting my reaction.

“He is Liang’s
official substitute.” It was clear he wanted to end the
discussion.

I tried to calm down.
He was right. I knew the rankings.

“Moreover, besides
being a surgeon, Hassan is also an experienced pilot, much more
experienced than Robert. He will be the second in command. His
addition to the team is good news. We gain in competence, even
though he’s got less length of service than Liang.”

“Yes, but,” I
interrupted him. I was confused. “What happened to Liang? Why has
he opted out? Is he ill? I didn’t even know you could opt out.”

“He is very well, I
dare say,” he exclaimed with a laugh. “He met a woman, a couple of
months ago, and now he says she’s the love of his life, so he
decided not to leave.”

I was dismayed. A
professional like Liang, who had dedicated all his working life to
NASA and who could finally participate in the most important space
mission ever, had he really decided to put his dreams aside for a
woman he met two months earlier? It was nonsense.

“But has he realised
that just now, when we’re about to leave?” It wasn’t really a
question. Mostly, I just couldn’t comprehend such a situation.

“He’d already informed
me during the past week. Luckily, Hassan is prepared. He just has
to review a few things, but I don’t believe there will be any delay
in the launch. At any rate he hasn’t waited until the last—”

“But he signed a
contract,” I insisted, preventing him from completing his sentence.
“We all signed it. You cannot withdraw like this!” I tried to
appear indignant about the unreliability of my colleague, but the
point was that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life side by
side with Hassan. With someone who reminded me of my father. I
wanted to leave my past behind. How could I do that with him in
front of me every day? It was intolerable.

“If you had carefully
read the contract, you’d know that isn’t really so,” Dennis replied
with a serious note. My complaints were clearly beginning to annoy
him. “This isn’t a stroll in space, or a short stay on the lunar
station. We’re talking about moving forever to another planet. You
need to be really sure that you wanna do it. If someone’s got the
slightest doubt, they should stay home. That’s why the contract
includes a waiver clause that can be applied any time.”

I looked at him,
perplexed. It had never occurred to me that you could change your
mind. How can you withdraw from such a commitment? It was something
I didn’t believe in at all, but, while Dennis was speaking, I
suddenly caught all its logicality.

“If you don’t need
anything else, I have a lot to do,” he said, breaking my
thoughts.

I watched him for a
moment, then I realised again where I was. I saw once more the
empty shelves, the open crates bulging with stuff. “Sorry,” I
murmured, with a hint of shame for the scene I had just made. And,
without adding a word, I turned back and went out to the
corridor.

I started wandering
around.

Liang had abandoned
the mission without hesitation for a woman he met two months
earlier. I had been with Jan for three years, but I had never
seriously thought about abstaining from going to Mars. I had never
considered that as a real possibility.

Could it be that it
was really easier for me to leave than to stay with him?

It was then that I
understood for the first time that Jan was right about me.

I reached into my
jacket pocket and took out my mobile phone. My heart was racing. I
might still do it, yes. It wasn’t too late. With trembling hands, I
searched the contacts in the phonebook, until I reached his name. I
tapped it, and his photograph was displayed. I had taken that one
the first evening we went out together. He was wearing a fine,
elegant suit and had a smile of pure joy printed on his face. I
smiled as well, while recalling the moment.

I tapped the green
icon.

There was silence for
a second while the number was dialled. I waited with bated breath,
fearing the voice that would tell me that the user was unreachable.
And what if he had changed his number? But then I heard it ringing.
An answering click followed.

He had surely seen
that it was me calling and I was afraid he might hang up. Without
waiting for him to talk, I breathed in, anticipating his voice.

“Allô?” a female voice
said.

The words died in my
mouth. I knew that voice. It was Milja, his wife.

“Who’s that?” the
woman insisted, in French.

I ended the
communication and stood there, staring at the phone, while my heart
broke into a thousand pieces.

I don’t know how long
has passed since I fell. I wake abruptly from a dream. The sweet
melody that lulled me has disappeared. As I open my eyes, I’m
disoriented. I see a darkened sky crossed by some disturbance,
while the data displayed by the augmented reality blink so quickly
I can’t focus on them. With a great effort I put my right hand to
my helmet and deactivate it.

I’m alive, I’m
breathing. My suit must be still intact. I can’t say the same about
my body. I’m full of aches and pains; this is perhaps a good sign.
If I didn’t feel anything, it’d mean I’m paralysed.

I turn my head to try
and understand where I am. I’m lying on my back, on a horizontal
surface. I’m at the bottom of the steep slope I rolled down. There
are stones all around me.

Maybe I leaned over
too much and the terrain collapsed. At least this way it became
less steep and slowed me down. I can see the point from which I’ve
fallen. It must be fifty metres. If I had been on Earth, I would
surely have died. The reduced gravity of Mars has saved me.

Perhaps I can climb
back up. The rock face has plenty of handholds. I can make it.

I push myself up into
a sitting position. I’m on a small ledge on the cliff. At few
metres away to my left is another precipice. I must move with
caution.

I bend sideways,
trying to get to my knees so I can stand up, but immediately
realise something is not right. As soon as I try to move my legs, I
feel a stabbing pain in my right ankle. I manage to get up by
putting all my weight onto my left foot. I try to place my right
foot down, but it gives way and I fall to the ground again,
screaming.

I cannot stand up. I’m
stuck.

This means I can’t get
back to the rover, so I won’t be able to drive all night trying to
reach Station Alpha. I’ll die here.

I thought that, when
this moment arrived, I’d be scared, but I was wrong. The awareness
of the absolute certainty of my death somehow calms me down.
There’s no more anxiety, because there’s nothing I can do.

I’m immersed in a
deafening silence, only broken by the noise of my breath and the
beating of my heart, resounding in my ears. The day is coming to an
end. The sun is approaching the horizon. It will set in a little
while together with its warmth. I might still have four hours of
air, but the night will arrive soon. I won’t die of asphyxiation,
but of hypothermia. It’s in some way even better. It should be a
sweeter death.

I try to resist the
temptation of letting my regrets defeat me. I might wonder why I’ve
ended up here, but I’m exactly where I desire to be. Honestly there
isn’t another place in the universe where I’d like to spend the
last hours of my life. I haven’t succeeded in getting what I
wanted, but I know I’ve tried until the end, in spite of my
mistakes.

I linger to admire the
sky that’s turning from salmon to a dirty, pale blue, as the sun
drops into the canyon. Its light has become so feeble that I can
stare at it without being blinded. I begin to distinguish some
stars eastwards. Deimos, the farthest satellite, shines a little
bigger than a star just over my head, whilst Phobos seems to come
greeting it.

As the solar disk
crosses the irregular horizon of Valles Marineris, there it is, a
little higher and westward. An azure star sparkling in the
twilight. Earth.

All of a sudden I’m
crying and unable to control myself. I won’t see it anymore. I
won’t return home anymore. I’m so sad, and against my own will, I
regret everything. I regret having put this dream of exploring Mars
before my own happiness. Not having stopped to think, not for an
instant, about the many other choices I might have made. To have
wasted my life gnawed by the hatred of my father and the desire to
show the whole world I wasn’t a mistake, like he considered me to
be. To have escaped every single time I faced something I really
cared for, afraid of getting hurt.

Warm tears roll down
my face, while my body shakes. Only a pale westward afterglow is
what remains of the sun, which barely lights the canyon, making the
details more and more undefined.