Red Queen (17 page)

He was right. Instinctively, if it came to a fight, I knew I would be hard to beat. He didn't scare me.

I followed him into his bedroom. There was a lamp on low by the tall windows that overlooked the Strip, but otherwise the room was mostly shadows. The mirror he was referring to was connected to the main closet. It reached from the floor to the ceiling. He sat on the corner of the bed and told me to stand in front of the mirror and gaze into it.

“What do you see?” he asked.

“Me. The bed. The windows.”

“Can you see me?”

“Not unless I turn my head and look at an angle.”

“Don't do that. Just stand perfectly still and stare at the mirror and listen to my voice.”

“You're not going to hypnotize me, are you?”

“I'm going to help you see something you've forgotten.”

“What does that mean?”

“For now, drop all your questions and just go along with me for a few minutes. When we're done, you can ask anything you wish. You can leave if you want, go see your friends. But for now, to get to the heart of your questions, you must cooperate. Okay?”

“Okay. But I'm not taking off my clothes.”

“You don't have to take off your clothes. Just stare into the mirror. Focus. Tell me what you see.”

“Myself.”

“Raise your right arm. Like you're about to wave hi to someone. What do you see?”

I raised my right arm. “My arm in the air.”

“Is it your right arm or your left arm?”

“It's my right arm.”

“But you're staring at your reflection. Does it look like your right arm or your left arm?”

“It looks like my left arm because in the mirror everything is reversed. But I know it's my right arm.”

“Because your intellect tells you it's your right arm?”

“Yes.”

“But when you stare at the mirror, innocently, everything in the room appears to be backward?”

“I would say inverted or reversed.”

“Those are good words, accurate words. Still, the image of you in the mirror is a reflection of who you are. Now let your right arm drop and raise your left arm. What do you see?”

I obeyed his instructions. “My left arm in the air.”

“But you really just see an arm in the air? You have to think about it to know it's your left arm.”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now we're going to play a little game. You're going to let the analytical part of your brain slowly turn off so you see what you see without questioning it. We're looking for innocence here, nothing more. It might take a few minutes to get in this state but we're in no hurry. All your questions, all your doubts, we can save them for later. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Let your arm fall to your side and relax. Stare at the mirror. What do you see?”

“My face.”

“Good. You've begun to focus on your face. Now smile, smile brightly, and tell me, what do you see?”

I smiled as best I could, but it was hard to maintain while I answered. “I see my teeth, my gums, my lips curving upward.”

“Good. Your reflection responds to what you do. Blink a few times. What do you see?”

“I see myself blinking.”

“See. You're in control. It can only do what you do. Why? Because it's only a reflection. You're what's real. Agreed?”

“Yes.”

“Wiggle your nose.”

I wiggled my nose.

“What do you see?”

“My nose wiggling.”

“Take a long last look at your face, and a long last look at your body. Soon you're going to close your eyes. But before you do, you want the image of yourself fixed firmly in your mind. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Study yourself closely.”

“I am.”

“Study your hair, your face, your shoulders and your arms.
Let your gaze slowly travel the length of your body, and when you feel ready, go ahead and shut your eyes.”

I started my exam from the top, like he told me to. But I don't remember exactly when I closed my eyes. At some point I just realized they were shut. A part of me suspected he was trying to hypnotize me, but I wasn't worried. I knew no one could be hypnotized against their will.

Also, I found the practice pleasant. He had a soothing voice, and it was relaxing to stare into the mirror. Even standing in front of it, with my eyes shut, was calming.

Russell spoke as if from far away.

“You know you're standing in front of a mirror. You don't need to open your eyes to see your reflection. You know it's there, just a few feet in front of you. And you know your reflection is under your control.”

“Yes,” I said softly.

“When you move, it moves.”

“Yes.”

“We're going to continue with our game. It's totally safe and you'll be in control at all times. Now I want you to imagine that your mind is
inside
your reflection. That the control over your body has moved
into
your reflection. This is easy to do. Like I said, your reflection is just a few feet away. To all intents and purposes, it's identical to you. The only difference is everything in the mirror is reversed. Other than that, you are moving your consciousness into an exact replica of yourself.” He paused.
“Relax and let your mind drift forward. Let it drift toward your reflection. Don't think too much about it. Don't worry if you're doing it right or wrong. Just let your mind float forward into your reflection and enjoy the sensation of letting go.”

I was surprised how easy it was to obey his instruction. The truth is, I think a part of me did something similar every morning when I brushed my teeth in front of my home mirror. I
enjoyed
staring at myself, although I had never told anyone before. I was probably afraid they would think I was vain. For me to let my mind drift inside my reflection seemed like no big deal.

Again, his voice seemed to come from far off.

“Do you feel like you have moved into your reflection?”

“Yes,” I heard someone whisper. It was me talking but it sounded like another person, someone nearby.

“Are you comfortable where you are?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Even though your eyes are closed, can you imagine your body standing in front of you?”

“Yes.”

“Can you imagine if you move your right hand, the right hand of your body will also move?”

“Yes.”

“Let's give it a try. Without opening your eyes, raise your right arm.”

I wasn't sure, but I felt movement. Yet the movement was effortless. I didn't have to try to lift my arm, it simply lifted.

“Your arm is in the air,” he said. “It might be your right arm, it might be your left, it doesn't matter. Did you notice how easily it floated into the air?”

“Yes.”

“It happened automatically.”

“Yes.”

“That's because your mind is inside your reflection.”

“Yes.”

“Now raise your other arm.”

Again, I felt movement, but no effort, and yet in my mind's eye I could see both my arms in the air. In my body and in my reflection.

No, wait, that wasn't exactly true. I saw only one image at a time. It must have been my body I was looking at, since my mind was
inside
my reflection, looking out at my body. That's right.

But what difference did it make? They were carbon copies of each other, or reversed copies of each other, to be more precise.

I decided not to worry about it. Just to go along.

“Both your arms are now in the air,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Does it tire you to hold them up?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“They're just images.”

“Good. And what are you?”

“An image. A reflection.”

“Because you have moved your mind inside the mirror.”

“Yes.”

“How does it feel to be a reflection?”

“Nice.”

“Do you have all of Jessica's memories?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect. Let's move on to the next stage. Remember back to last night. You were in this bedroom with Russell.”

“I remember.” And I didn't mind he called himself Russell instead of Russ. Indeed, it felt more natural, like that was what I always called him.

“You were in this bedroom and you were kissing him.”

“Yes.”

“Then you took off your clothes and kissed him some more on the bed.”

“Yes.”

“Then you thought of someone else.”

“Yes.”

“And suddenly you wanted to be with that person.”

“Yes.”

“What was his name?”

“James.”

“You suddenly felt the urge to see James.”

“Yes.”

“What did you do next?”

“I stood and went to the window.”

“Go on.”

“I started crying. I told Russell I couldn't do this.”

“Did Russell understand?”

“He was very understanding. He didn't pressure me. Even though I know he has a crush on me, he respects my relationship with James.”

“How did he demonstrate this respect?”

“He saw I was upset and knew I was thinking of James. He told me to go to him.”

“Was it hard to leave Russell?”

“It's always hard. He's attractive and exciting to be near.”

“But you love James more?”

“Yes,” I replied firmly.

There seemed to be a long pause.

“What did you do next?”

“I dressed and left this suite.”

“Let's follow your every act from right there. Are you fully dressed?”

“Yes.”

“You're ready to leave Russell's suite and go downstairs.”

“Yes.”

“Let's go together. You open the door and leave the suite. Do you walk down the hallway to the elevators?”

“Yes.”

“Do you get in the elevator?”

“I push a button and wait for one to come.”

“Good. What do you do next?”

“When the elevator arrives, I step inside and push the button that takes me down to the casino floor.”

“Tell me what you see.”

“The doors slide open. I step away from the corridor of elevators and see the casino stretched out beneath me.”

“Do you see people gambling?”

“Yes.”

“What are they playing?”

“Slots, poker, dice, red queen.”

“Red queen?”

“Yes.”

“You see them playing twenty-two?”

“Yes.”

“Does it bother you?”

“Why should it bother me?”

“What do you do next?”

“I take a taxi back to my room.”

“Who do you find in your room?”

“James.”

“Where is he?”

“Inside, waiting for me.”

“Is he asleep?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Why is he awake?”

“He knew I was going to see Russell.”

“How did he know you were going to see Russell?”

“I told him I was going to see you . . . to see him. We discussed it, James and I.”

“Is James jealous you're going to see Russell?”

“A little. He knows Russell cares for me.”

“But if it makes James jealous, why do you go?”

“We need Russell's help.”

“Why?”

“To help us find . . . someone.”

“Who?”

I disliked the question. “I don't know.”

“You don't know who you're trying to find?”

“No. Wait. Stop.”

“Shh. It's all right, we can stop.”

“Thank you.”

“You're safe. Nothing can harm you.”

“I . . . I don't know.”

“You think something can harm you?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“About what?”

“Why I went to Russell for help.”

“Are you embarrassed that you started kissing him?”

“Yes. But . . . there's something else.”

“What?”

“I can't tell you!” I shouted.

I heard my voice rise in volume. At the same time I felt a sudden constriction in my heart. It appeared to come out of nowhere. The sensation made it hard to breathe. It took me completely by surprise. One minute I was looking forward to returning to my hotel room to see James and the next instant my mind was filled with a terrible burden. I could hardly bear it.

“Stop. I want to stop,” I heard myself gasp.

“We can stop in a moment. Why did you go to see Russell?”

“I told you. To get his help.”

“Why did you think Russell could help you?”

“He's connected.”

“Did he tell you he was connected?”

“No! But he knows people. Powerful people. He can help us.”

“Help you with what?”

The crushing pain increased tenfold. I could hardly draw in a breath. The air could have been choked with smoke.

“I can't tell you!”

“Can he help you find someone?”

“Yes! No!”

“You said yes. Can he help you find someone?”

“Yes! Yes! Now please stop!”

“Who are you trying to find?”

“I don't know! I don't want to know!”

“What's her name?”

My chest pain seemed to burst and assume a form of terrible loss. I had just been asked the only question that mattered because
she
was the only thing that mattered—to me. I couldn't bear to think of her, though, to even admit that she existed. I was afraid if I did my pain would become great enough to kill me.

“Lara,” I wept.

“Who's Lara?”

“No!” I screamed and my eyes flew open and I ran toward the mirror and hit it with my nose. Blood spurted out my nostrils, on the glass, as I fell to the floor. In an instant Russell was by my side but I pushed him away and leaped to my feet. It was not as if I used my muscles, though. I simply willed myself to stand and I was up. Russell was unable to stop me.