Redemption (13 page)

Chapter Eighteen

I’m the only one

Tru

Tru danced with Aimee for a while after Jessa disappeared with Mathias.

“You trust her,” Aimee said as they walked home, and it was a statement, not a question.

“I think we have a lot in common,” she said.

Hammer was behind them, a few feet, because this was their time. After what happened to Aimee, they were supposed to walk in pairs, and women weren’t supposed to walk without a guy with them. Tru knew it seemed like a step backwards, but she also knew it was necessary.

Cas had started all the women in training shortly after that—learning self-defense, boxing and how to use weapons. No one outside of Defiance was supposed to know about it. Training them was the smart thing to do, but if word got out that Defiance was doing so, other MCs would start to think they were weak.

It was still a man’s world, or so everyone thought. But the women, they knew the truth. She did, most of all.

“I trust her too,” Aimee said. “She’s scared. I can’t imagine what coming into Defiance is like to an outsider like her.”

“She’s handling herself pretty well.” They stopped at Tru’s door and hugged good-night. Tru watched Hammer walk next to Aimee, and wondered if things between them would ever be the way they’d been before Aimee’s attack.

When she asked Cas that, he shook his head no. “Never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be better.”

He always knew how to make
her
feel better. “I missed you tonight.”

“Yeah. Wanted to spend time with you. But I had shit to do.”

He meant, things to think about, because that’s what he’d spent the night doing. He was alone, in the semi-darkness of the new place he’d built for them. He’d also built them a new place underground—a new place to make new memories, he’d said. But She still liked a lot of the old ones too.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He tugged her close and she ended up sitting in his lap. He was half reclined and he played with her hair, taking it down from the ponytail she’d worn. “Mathias and Bish brought in a hell of a lot of trouble.”

“So did I,” Tru reminded him.

“Don’t need remindin’.” Caspar shook his head. “Shit with Keller was comin’ down the pipe anyway. We’ll make it look like we’ve got an advantage. Pretend we knew shit and use it to help Defiance.”

“Let Keller or the LoV think they have a leak inside their organization.”

He smiled at her and her stomach flipped, especially when he said, “Sexy when you talk strategy, pretty baby.”

She knew why he was worried. Defiance was a young crew—even though Caspar had grown up in the MC and was, by rights, born to lead it, the majority of his MC were under twenty-four. That was great for partying and for being up for general wildness, but sometimes, it made them unable to understand that there was, in fact, a strategy to all of this.

The Chaos made things better in some ways on that front and worse on others. She knew that Defiance was about to be put to a pretty big test, coming up against the more experienced LoVs, and by extension, Keller’s crew.

“Is it harder than you thought?” she asked. He remained silent and she continued to probe. “I know you’re not supposed to admit things like that to anybody, Cas. But I’m not just anybody. I’m the only one you can admit things to. So please, use me.”

She heard the gentle plead in her voice and that must’ve moved Caspar, because he turned to her, his icy blue eyes boring into hers.

Come on
,
Cas.
Trust me.
Let me be here for you.

“It could be fuckin’ anyone,” he said finally, his voice barely a rasped whisper.

“No. Maybe the old generation,” I started but he shook his head and repeated, “Anyone.”

Her stomach clenched at the thought of the men who’d stood there and let themselves be branded to prove they were on Caspar’s side before everything had gone down with Lance. She couldn’t believe it could be one of those men. “It’s not me.”

“Anyone but you, baby.”

“I hate it that you’re hurting.”

“Shouldn’t ask things you don’t really want to know. I tell you that all the damned time, but you still push, woman.”

“If you hurt, then I hurt.”

“Don’t want you hurtin’.” Caspar was angry now. “Dammit, Tru, you gotta stop pushin’. You’re not ready to handle this.”

“I don’t want you handling it alone.”

“How I’ve always been.”

“But you’re not alone anymore.” She wondered if he was doubting everyone now, including her. How could he not? She was certainly was going to gaze with suspicion on everyone in Defiance from now on, until they could resolve this.

“This is what it’s like, babe. Not trustin’ anyone for your own safety. Want you to trust me. Need you to. But I want to protect you from this shit. Want you innocent.”

She slid her hands over his shoulders and straddled his lap. “I know. And I love you for it. For so many other reasons, but especially for that.”

He gave her a small smile and sat up so they faced each other. Then he wrapped his hands around her waist, then dropped them to cup her ass, and this was where she’d wanted the evening to end up from the second she’d gone out.

From the second she’d known she’d fallen in love with Cas, all those years ago. “Whatever happens, we’ll survive it.”

She could’ve been talking about Defiance or the two of them, or everything, but it didn’t matter. What did is that they both believed it.

That motherfucker’s always spiked with pain

Mathias

Of course, Bish had worked out a plan with Tru and Aimee to bring Jessa to me in the bar. I could hold a grudge forever, but the fact was, I was the one she was fucking—and I meant that in the most romantic way possible because you didn’t truly feel for a woman if you couldn’t take her to bed, down and dirty.

Dancing with those other women tonight had done nothing but show me how strong my feelings for Jessa were.

I held her close as we walked home, Bish a few steps behind us. She hadn’t had much to drink but she was still in that high from the orgasm state of mind.

I’d expected to climb right into bed with her and continue to ride that wave, but Rebel was waiting for us at the guesthouse.

“Caspar needs to see you,” he said to me, then motioned to Jessa. “I’ll wait with her till you get back.”

“Thanks,” Bish told him and Jessa drew her brows together in a slight frown. I wanted to tell her not to worry, but hell, that would be useless. But that’s the way it was around here—ups and downs were worse than roller coasters, and riding it out was what we did best.

We were only with Caspar for ten minutes, because it looked like we’d interrupted his time with Tru. As we walked through the compound, I ruminated on the fact that local law enforcement were just now hearing chatter of Charlie’s and Jessa’s disappearance—finally, even though they’d been gone from D.C. for well over two weeks by now.

Had to be because Charlie was checking in the whole time they were with the LoVs
, I signed. I’d suspected that from the first, but I was still waiting for Jessa to spill everything she knew. That was going to take time.

“We could have him call in,” Bish said.

And tell them what?

“That he ran away from home.”

Either way
,
we kidnapped the son of the president.

Bish didn’t seem concerned. Hell, neither was I. The guy brought this on himself when he got into bed with the LoV. Whatever happened to him now, he more than deserved it.

I only wondered what Jessa’s parents would say if they knew.

“Who’s to say they don’t?” Bish asked.

Think she’s considered that?

“She’s a smart girl.”

Too smart. She was definitely still hiding something and I couldn’t blame her for that. I’d hide something too if I could, because in this world, knowledge was your only form of power.

But sooner or later, that knowledge would become her enemy. I didn’t know if it would be in her best interest to share it with me, but the more I knew, the better I could protect her.

She knew it too. Sometimes, I’d catch her wringing her hands together, staring into space, no doubt contemplating what she knew and how it would affect her and Defiance both.

“Gotta figure out her knowledge. What she’s got on Charlie that would make him try to get rid of her,” Bish said, giving voice to what I’d been thinking since I’d first laid eyes on Jessa.

It’s going to get ugly.

“Everything about this world is ugly.” Bish shrugged like that didn’t make a difference, but we both knew it did, and that’s the real reason we kept running. We kept hoping to find something beyond the ugly, and although it was out there—in fits and starts—it was never more than a taunting glimmer. And that actually made it more depressing than anything, which was why moving around at least gave us the semblance that something could possibly still change for the better.

We’d watched Defiance grow in front of our eyes. Caspar gave us some of the credit but really, he was the man behind it.

Jessa wasn’t ugly; she was a light for me, but I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that counting on someone to love was the answer. Not like that.

“You think she’s not for real.”

How could she be?

“Sometimes people are just what they seem.” Bish pointed between us.

That’s rare.

“That’s what makes it worth it.”

Chapter Nineteen

Time is like a clock in my heart

Jessa

At some point last night, Mathias had been in bed with me. I knew it, because he’d left my borrowed leather jacket draped on the pillow next to me, with a note on it that said,
Noon.

I’d slept until nearly eleven-thirty and woke slightly hungover. He must’ve anticipated that too, because there was juice and aspirin and a light breakfast waiting for me as well.

“He’s preparing me for something,” I muttered. I might be naive, but I wasn’t stupid. Still, I ate and showered and put on jeans and boots and dragged the heavy jacket on and at noon, I heard the roar of a motorcycle at my front door.

For a second, I hesitated, waiting for it to drive right through the guesthouse. When it didn’t, I opened the door to find Mathias balanced casually against a big black bike. He crooked a finger at me.

“I’ve never ridden,” I admitted as I hugged the jacket tightly around me and he gave me a look that translated to,
So?

He ran his hand over the seat of the big black bike, patted the section behind where he’d sit and then he got on. I glanced at the helmet he’d offered and realized that real life was so much scarier, well beyond wearing a helmet on a motorcycle.

I did accept the glasses though, slid them on and got on behind him and instinctively slid my hands around his waist as I hooked my feet up. Suddenly, the bike revved, rumbling between my legs. I held on tight as we took off on what might actually be the world’s biggest vibrator.

The bumpy roads made things worse—or better, depending on your perspective, but now, mine was better. One hundred percent better because my body vibrated and my pulse raced.

I was free.

The wind blew through my hair, which was loose and tangled, the heavy leather hugged my body and Mathias guided the bike along the dark, winding road without a headlight. He wore special glasses—I’d heard the Secret Service men refer to them as NVs—and I knew he could see in the dark. Beyond the sound the bike made, we were invisible.

I’d never realized there was so much safety in darkness.

The bike charged along the road like it was looking for a fight and found it in the pebbled, potholed surfaces we jerked along during those long afternoon hours. Bishop followed us in the van, for safety, I’d figured, but Mathias didn’t seem concerned with anything but owning the road.

My eyes were protected from the wind by the dark glasses that made it seem like we were driving blind. I let my body lean into the curves and relax.

Finally, we stopped, pulled off-road and into a clearing where there was a fire pit. Bishop lit the fire and I had a feeling we’d gone in a lot of circles, and that we weren’t that far from Defiance at all. And I felt comfort in that.

Mathias put a blanket down and I kept the jacket on, because it was colder today than normal. Then he and Bishop sat and Mathias signed while Bishop told me why they’d been called away to meet with Caspar last night.

The news knows, was the gist of it. Which meant... “Charlie must have been checking in at home the entire time I thought we were kidnapped,” I said quietly. I didn’t want to look at either man. They knew I was holding something back, but how to tell them was a different story altogether. Surprises like this one would knock me down, wear me out eventually. Maybe they were meant to.

“What happens now? Is it still okay for me to be here?” I asked tentatively, hating the tug of nerves in my stomach, the slight swoop of fear that I was out in the middle of nowhere with two guys who were, in fact, trained killers.

Depends.
Do you want to go back?

“No.” My word echoed in the stillness.

But they’ll be looking for you now.
I
think you’re right that they weren’t before.

But these men had risked everything for me. The rest of the club understood, but they were uneasy with the level of danger I brought to them.

If this was the old world, the paparazzi would’ve found me in days. Now, in order for the mafia to get a message to my family, beyond showing up to the bunker, they’d have to get lucky with getting patched through. Just because you had the means to call to D.C. didn’t mean those calls always got through. Plus, the fact that I was in Defiance wasn’t known. Everyone had been warned not to leak that fact for their sakes more than mine.

“I know. And I’m sure Caspar’s not happy about that. What’s he going to do? I don’t know if you guys are up for going up against the Secret Service.”

Mathias laughed. It was silent, but after only knowing him a couple of days and being around him pretty much constantly, I was beginning to discern his moods. But his smile, rare and grudging, like he didn’t want to give that part of him away, was a tell-all.

Sharing his bed so openly, so freely—that wasn’t anything I was used to. But here it wasn’t looked upon as odd or bad. Granted, there were people who weren’t entirely happy that I might bring more trouble to Defiance.

“That doesn’t exactly scare us. Or Defiance,” Bishop said.

“You’re planning on fighting the Secret Service?”

Mathias shrugged and Bishop asked, “Is that a problem for you?”

They
obviously didn’t think so. Acted like it would be so easy.

You’re worrying
, Bishop said but I knew the thought came from Mathias, so I asked him, “Shouldn’t I be?”

Mathias shook his head no.

“You should always bet on us,” Bishop told me, glanced at Mathias, whose hands flew.
What about your parents?

“What about them?”

That good a relationship
,
huh?

Mathias’s hands, Bishop’s words. I stayed focused on Mathias’s face. “They arranged that marriage. Set it up so I fell for Charles. They told me he was perfect.”

Did you really love him?

I stared at Mathias and wondered if I could keep lying to myself. “I thought I was.”
But after lying in your arms for a few nights
...

Mathias gave me that lazy grin again, the mind-reading one, and I blushed. “Stop,” I murmured, but his grin got wider.

“Sex makes the world go round,” Bishop said, and Mathias shot him a look but it was obvious how comfortable the two of them were together. And somehow, I didn’t feel like a third wheel, or exposed to Bishop.

“My father was vice president because I was born a girl,” I explained. “He and Charlie’s dad grew up together as best friends. This election was planned. But because my dad had a daughter, his best friend took the presidency because he had a son to leave his political legacy to.”

My life had been planned for me from long before I was born. I’d been expected to fit the mold.

“What would you do to stay here, Jessa?” Bishop asked me, not Mathias, but I looked at Mathias when I said, “I’d kill to stay away from them.”

Don’t go chasing waterfalls

Mathias

There was a hell of a big difference between staying away from them and staying here with me. But pushing that point now was worthless.

Until they came for her, she could pretend she belonged here. Playing house with me, playing bad girl. I signed that furtively, only for Bish’s eyes, and he signed back,
You ever stop to think she was really pretending to be a good girl?

Yeah, I liked thinking that a whole lot better than the alternative.

“You seem like you were always in charge of your own destiny,” she said. “Maybe the Chaos was a good thing. Otherwise, where would I be?”

Good or bad?
Just is
, I told her.

“I’m glad I escaped. I’ll do anything I have to not to go back.”

She meant it.
Then I’ll make sure you don’t have to go back
.

“I believe you. I never believed anybody before, but I believe you, Mathias.”

Good.

She signed
Good
right back to me, her sign fast and smooth and sure. She’d been practicing signs with Bish—that much I knew—and I was pretty sure Tru was helping her as well.

Bish thought Tru had asked Jessa to find out information about him and Luna. I wasn’t surprised Tru had. I knew she was worried about Luna. Rumor was that Luna had been in love with Rebel forever and he seemed not to notice that, although they were close.

Bish didn’t seem to care if he was overstepping on Rebel and Luna’s relationship. He slammed in, invited or not, made his presence known and he stayed. Luna was actively avoiding everyone but Bish and Rebel. Tru tried, but Bish told her to give it time.

I’d taken that advice last night about giving her time, when I’d decided to wait to tell Jessa about her family knowing she was missing. I did it mainly because she’d been sleeping so peacefully, but I knew I couldn’t put it off much longer. I had another fight tonight, but we had the whole day and I figured it was time to get her on the bike.

She’d asked about it, watched other women climbing on the backs of the hogs and racing through the compound, headed for a ride through town. But she was still scared of it.

Time to get back on the bike.

“You’re fighting again tonight, aren’t you?”

I glanced at her and nodded, waited for more questions, or anger, but none came. Just a look of sadness crossing her face.

Get closer

Jessa

After I rode on the back of the bike for another hour or so, my legs were like jelly, and I was more relaxed than I thought I’d be, what with news of an impending Secret Service invasion.

I wondered if they’d let Charlie call home. “He has codes, you know.”

Both Mathias and Bish looked at me with questions. I’d just gotten off the back of the bike and was about to go inside the guesthouse when I blurted that out. “If you let him call his father,” I clarified. “He’ll use a code, so what he tells his father in front of you won’t really be what he means.”

Do you have that same code?
Mathias signed.

I was able to honestly answer
No
.

He nodded. Mouthed,
Gotta run.

“I want to go with you.”

He stared at me, as if the request was entirely unexpected. While he weighed his answer, I studied him, wishing we were alone so I could run my hands over his shoulders, trace his lips and cheekbones with a finger. I could do it here and no one would blink an eye, but I didn’t want him to think I was influencing him.

Finally, he signed as he mouthed,
Too distracting.

It was partially a compliment, but partially not, because he knew he’d have to protect me.

Don’t be scared.

But I was—I was scared of everything and I hated that.

When I get back
,
I’m going to fix that.

I believed him.