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I feel his hand on my thigh and I swat it away. His eyes are on me and I ignore him. I’m not giving into his little demands. He can sleep with blue balls tonight for all I care. We haven’t had sex in forever so what’s another night.

“What about in a few weeks we all take a trip to NYC?” Mason suggests. “EDC is happening and I think we all need to let loose.”

“A little too old for that, bud,” Clarke responds.

“
You’re
a little too old, but we,” Mason points to the rest of us, “are still hot and young. Plus, come on, we need a weekend away from this shit.”

“Sounds like fun,” I say and Tonya nods her head.

“You don’t like that kind of music and I can’t imagine you at an EDC concert. You’re too fragile,” Evan laughs.

“I do too, ass. I like Zedd, and Chainsmokers is growing on me.”

“Mainstream,” he rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. Ass.”

We continue to talk about upcoming plans when Clarke’s phone goes off and I hear Tonya’s unsatisfied groan.

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.”

Tonya tosses her fork on the plate and grabs her drink. I do the same and watch the guys as they stare inside at Clarke. Something’s up and it’s not good.

“What’s up, Chief?” Devin asks when Clarke returns.

“Some new developments. We’ll need to head back to the station in a little bit.” He sighs and places his arm around Tonya’s shoulders.

Heading inside I grab a bottle of red wine and uncork the bottle. It’s going to be a long night and I’m sure Tonya’s going to stay with me. Taking in a breath I place my hands on the counter and my head sags down. I’m fighting the tears of frustration and curse under my breath. Evan’s hand rubs my back and it calms me down. I relish his touch and yearn for more. Turning around I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me. Something deep inside is fighting to get my attention and I wish I knew how to process these feelings.

“Just tell me you’re safe.”

“I wish I could, babe.”

“That’s not what I need to hear from you,” I mutter and hold him closer. “You need to be safe. I need you to be safe. I need you to let me in. I need you to open up to me. I don’t need to know everything about the cases you’re working. All I want to know is if you’re safe and what you need from me.”

“I know,” he tells me and rubs my back. “The best thing you can do for me is have faith and love me, Caroline. Love me and trust me enough to know I’m always going to come home to you.” Evan leans down and kisses my forehead. “I wish I never became a cop because I know this isn’t fair to you, Caroline. But, your strength is keeping me alive. Thank you for standing by my side and keeping me floating. I have to get going. Tonya’s staying here with you so be sure to lock the doors and set the alarm.” I nod my head. I know how this works. I hear commotion in the kitchen and know Mason and Devin are cleaning up.

“Just come back to me.”

“I always will.”

Tonya and I quietly clean as well since there’s nothing else to do. We quietly work and I have to fight the tears in my eyes.

The guys left over two hours ago and neither of us has said anything. We’re robots, just cleaning, putting things away and drinking wine. After we’re done cleaning we head upstairs and lie down on my bed. Again neither of us are saying anything and we’re both holding our cell phones close so we don’t miss anything.

It’s almost one in the morning and still nothing. Tonya’s frantic and I know she’s hiding something from me.

“Stop bullshitting and tell me now.”

“I can’t,” she says and avoids looking at me. “I really can’t.”

“Tonya . . .”

She looks at me with sincerity in her eyes. “Evan’s been marked for a hit.”

“What?”

I clench my fists together and close my eyes, trying to get a hold of reality, and remember he’s been highly trained and knows what he’s doing. This is Evan; one of the strongest men I know. He’s going to be okay and it’s not like this is the first time he’s had a hit out for him.

“Okay, okay,” I finally say. “This isn’t new to us and he’ll be okay. What else do you know?”

“One of the guys they arrested, Rico, he’s starting to talk, and it’s going okay. But something’s going on and I’m not sure what exactly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rico keeps talking about a mole in the department,” Tonya explains and clenches the pillow to her chest. “It’s worrying the shit out of Clarke and he’s telling the guys tonight.”

“There’s no mole in the department. They’ve kept this case pretty air tight. I mean, what the hell is going on?” I rub my temples to prevent the headache that’s about to hit me. I can’t keep all of this shit straight. First Evan has a hit out for him and now there might be a mole in the department.

“Clarke just texted me.”

“And?”

“Rico’s dead.”

“This is fucking bullshit,” I shout and toss the mug across the room. “Our only suspect and he’s fucking dead. What the fuck happened, Devin?”

“He came at me with a shank. I had to do what I needed to.”

“Coulda shot his fucking leg or something,” Mason argues. “You have no fucking idea what you’ve done. All of our investigation is worth shit and now we’re back to where we started two years ago.”

Slumping on the bench in the locker room I hang my head in my hands and think about Caroline and what I’m putting her through. I know Tonya told her everything and I’m sure she’s freaking out about it.

“Did he say anything else?” I whisper.

“No,” Devin says. “Why the hell do you guys think we could have trusted him? He only was talking to get out of a life sentence without parole. Come on guys, don’t let this shit get to you. We’ll figure it out.”

“Whatever, man.” I stand up and face him. “I get it. You needed to protect yourself, but you know what this case means to the department and what Rico knew could have saved me. That’s Javier’s brother. Whatever he knew was worth something,” I yell and slam my fist into the locker. “What the fuck!”

“You’re going to be fine,” Mason tells me and turns his back to Devin. “We’ll figure this shit out. You need to go home and go to Care. She needs you, man.”

“And do what? Look my wife in the eyes and tell her I’m a dead man walking?” I shake my head. “This isn’t the life I want for her. We should be planning for a family and I should be home more.” Shaking my head I lean against the lockers and think about my promises to her. “This isn’t the life I want for her,” I repeat. Slamming my fist into the locker I turn and head out. I can’t go home so instead I head to the closest bar and hopefully figure this shit out.

Sitting at the bar with my empty tumbler I haven’t been able to come up with a plan. I look at my phone, looking at the picture of my beautiful wife and look away. I don’t deserve her. She doesn’t deserve to have this life and she shouldn’t have to suffer. Things are shitty and I’m making her go through this shit. When will all of this be over?

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see familiar eyes. A smile that makes me smile and soon everything I’m worrying about goes away.

“It’ll be okay. I’m here and we’re going to get through this.”

“How do you know?” I ask and sigh. “You shouldn’t be here. You know this. We had a deal. I can’t do this with you.” Guilt takes over, but I don’t look away. There’s only so much a man can take and feel. Right now I don’t feel like a man when it comes to my marriage and Caroline. Right now I feel like a fucking loser and I can’t even give my wife what she wants.

“I can’t stay away from you. Come with me.”

The plea I hear is what I need. I need to feel something, anything, and I know I will soon.

“Usual spot,” I say and leave cash on the bar. “This is the last time though. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know.”

Leaving the bar with her I look around and stop in my tracks. “Go there. I’ll meet you,” I tell her and watch her leave. Turning around I see Mason making his way to me.

“Please fucking tell me I’m not seeing this shit, Evan.”

“Let it go, man. I need this.”

“You fucking need to let that shit go and go back to Caroline. Why the fuck are you doing this? Caroline’s the love of your life and you’re going back to that woman? You stood before her and everyone vowing to love her forever and forsake
all
others.”

“You don’t get it,” I scream. “With Caroline I don’t feel like a man. With her I have to pretend my job isn’t fucking with my head and that I could die. But when I’m with her,” I point the opposite direction, indicating my repeated mistake, “everything feels right.”

“You’re fucked up, man. I have no idea who the hell I’m looking at right now. You have an amazing wife, but instead you’re throwing it away for an empty booty call.”

“I care about her, okay? And I love Caroline.”

“Can’t have the best of both worlds, man,” Mason explains and turns away from me.

It’s one more night to forget and to feel like a fucking man again.

Our champagne glasses clink together and a smile appears on his face. This is the smile I love and will always love.

It’s been a hell of a month and now we can finally relax. The case is coming to an end and soon they’re going to court. I can’t begin to explain my excitement, especially since now Evan’s going into teaching and we can practice making a baby.

“Happy anniversary, babe,” he says, taking my hand in his. “To forever. A lifelong journey to our love. You mean everything to me, Caroline. I love you so much. Thank you for staying by my side through all of this. I know things haven’t been easy. At least now we can breathe.”

“Forever,” I respond and feel his lips on my hand. God I love this man. Looking into his eyes I see our future. Hopefully by this time next year I’ll be holding our baby in my arms and looking into the eyes of the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

“It has been a rough two years. But I promised I’d stay by your side and I have. Every step of the way. It’s you and me until the end, Evan.”

“Always.”

“Evan,” I start to say, “let’s go home.”

Without another moment he asks for the check and drinks the rest of his champagne. After paying for our bill, he grabs my hand and pulls me out of my chair as we rush out of the fancy restaurant ready to end the night with romance and hot sex.