Regression (7 page)

Back at home, she stripped naked
and forcefully threw the soiled clothing into the corner of her
room, tears stinging her eyes. A scalding hot bath and a good
scrubbing helped. She rubbed herself almost raw in an effort to
erase the enduring impressions of her attacker’s hands on her body.
The homey sensation of snuggling into a fluffy terry bath robe,
inhaling the familiar smell of her mother’s favourite laundry
detergent, went a long way in facilitating her return to normalcy.
An oversized T-shirt made comfortable pyjamas and she wrapped her
arms around herself as she slid between the blankets. A sigh of
relief escaped her as the cool, crisp linens soothed her scalded
skin.

The psychic had warned her. A
great pain indeed. Tears surged to the surface again. A soft knock
at the door forced her to bite back the sobs. Samantha entered then
sat on the edge of the bed.

“
Is everything
alright?” The older woman touched her shoulder with concern. “Do
you think you did too much tonight?”

Adya shook her head, afraid to
speak.

“
Do you need anything
or want to talk? I know we haven’t always shared our thoughts, but
I want you to know I’m here for you.”

She hoped her mother would mistake
the catch in her throat as related to being home. “Thanks, Mom, I
just need to rest. Thanks for taking me to the Carnival. It was a
lot of fun. I think everyone had a great time. I love
you.”

“
Love you too. Good
night, Adya.” Samantha leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“
Night,
Mom.”

For a long time after her mother
kissed her good night, she lay in bed in the darkness,
contemplating with horror the possible consequences of the night’s
events. What if she caught a disease? She sat up suddenly. What if
she got pregnant? Having been a mother six times over she knew she
could never abort or give up a child. Even one conceived in
trauma.

Adya slipped off the bed and
gathered the stained skirt and panties from the corner. Her nose
wrinkled in distaste as she packaged the garments in a plastic bag,
hiding it between the mattresses on her bed. She collected her
journal from the same secret spot. The entry she started for the
incident at the Carnival became hard to read as teardrops hit the
pages, distorting the ink and leaving tiny splotches. Finally, she
gave up writing and let the tears flow as sobs shook her entire
body.

“
Daniel. I wish you
were here now.” She cradled her knees with her arms. “You were my
rock, my foundation, my everything. I miss you.” Tears dried on her
cheeks as she thought of what he would say to comfort her. A firm
believer any emotional injury required a first step of forgiving
the perpetrator, Daniel would have told her to make peace with
herself and her assailant.

She whispered, imagining his face
across from her. “I don’t know if I can. I am one of the lucky
ones. This doesn’t have to make me a prisoner. Whoever you are, I
pray you recognize what you have done is wrong and you do not
victimize another. I’m not ready to forgive you the wrong done to
me, though. Not yet.”

The following morning she gingerly
climbed out of bed, muscles tired from the exertion of dancing.
Some discomfort related to the late night attack surfaced as well
but her mind shunned the topic. She spent the day carefully
avoiding any fast movements, doing stretches and exercises to help
relax the strained muscles. Restarting the entry of the night
before, Adya faced her demons.

This never happened the first time
around. That means things can change. What are the repercussions I
will face? Paradox? Disaster? Until yesterday, I had done nothing
truly out of character. Until I visited the psychic. Was that my
punishment for acting outside the original timeline?

Do I stay within my remembered
life? Or, do I do more?

The phone rang in the early
afternoon, Jessica eager to share feedback about the night. “You
would not believe how everyone talked about your dance. They all
want to know who you are.”

“
Who is
they?”

“
Everyone. A lot of
the boys who saw me with you asked about you after you left. A
couple of older girls asked where you’re from – I think they’re
jealous and hoping you’re not going to school here in the fall. Fat
cows. Anyway, you made people notice you last night.”

“
Was there anything
else, did you hear anyone saying anything else about last
night?”

“
No…some of the guys
wanted me to give them your number, but I told them you weren’t
into guys and got their numbers myself…” Jessica laughed at Adya’s
gasp. “I’m only kidding. I really didn’t tell them that. And I
didn’t give them your number, either.”

“
Aw, Jessie, don’t
tease me like that. You wouldn’t believe how sore I am today. I
think I used every muscle in my body last night.”

“
It was wicked. You
can come dancing with me anytime. I’ll take the leftovers. Can you
come out today; hang at the mall for a bit?”

“
Wait while I ask
Mom.” She covered the mouthpiece of the receiver. “Mom, can you
drop me off at the mall, I still need some stuff for school. I want
to meet Jessica there, okay?”

“
Make sure you take it
easy after yesterday. I have a couple of things to finish here then
we can go. Tell Jessica you’ll meet her in an hour.”

“
Thanks, Mom.”
Uncovering the receiver, she spoke to Jessica. “I can meet you in
an hour, at the South entrance, ‘kay?”

“
See you
soon.”

Walking through the mall, it felt
as if all eyes were on her although she knew it was only an
after-effect of the night before, both the dancing and the later
attack making her self-conscious. Collecting herself, breathing
deeply, she walked with her head high. Jessica kept pace beside
her. The two girls found the supplies they needed, tried on a
number of outfits, and spent the afternoon doing what teenage girls
do. The sheer pointlessness of an afternoon spent doing nothing
arduous, taking a break from the worries related to her situation,
kept a smile on her face most of the time. Occasionally a shadow
crossed her brow. Jessica noticed.

“
Hey, what’s
wrong?”

Adya shook off the black cloud.
“Nothing, just zoned out for a minute.” She quirked a smile.
“Brain’s trying hard to keep up with all this stimulation. It needs
food.”

The shopping centre housed a large
food court but almost all of the tables were taken. They managed to
find a small one in the middle. She and Jessica chatted animatedly
until a tiny hand touched her leg. A little boy, his angelic face
alight, gazed at her in adoration. He raised his arms in the
universally recognizable signal he wanted to be lifted up. She
obliged, hauling him onto her lap. He rewarded her with a full body
cuddle as only a toddler can do. Jessica laughed at her
predicament.

“
What’s your name,
little guy?”

“
I Spencer
Trenton.”

“
Where’s your
mommy?”

“
Ober dere.” He
pointed toward a woman standing in conversation with two men in the
hall leading to the bathrooms. The woman began to look around
frantically. Adya stood and approached her, baby in
arms.

“
What are you doing
with him, give him back right now.” The boy’s mother glared at her
accusingly, attempting to grab the boy. Spencer began to cry,
hiding his face and tightening his arms. She reassured
him.

“
Mommy’s not angry
with you, Spencer, she was worried that you were missing.” She
stared pointedly into the woman’s eyes as she spoke to the
toddler.

“
Mommy not
mad?”

“
No, Spencer, Mommy
wants you to go to her, she isn’t mad at you.” He let go and
returned to his mother.

“
What were you doing
with him? What did you say to him? Did you give him something?” The
anxious mother checked over her son’s body with her
hands.

“
I will not tolerate
you berating me for your lapse in parental supervision. I was
seated at my table when your son approached me. He seems a
precocious and affectionate child and what he needs right now from
you is reassurance you are not angry with him for your mistake. He
does not need to see you transfer your anxiety at your ineptitude
onto me. You do not have the right to attack me. Take
responsibility, take him, keep him close, and supervise him
properly.”

Stalking away, Adya left the woman
open-mouthed and speechless. Jessica stared with puzzled amazement
as she resumed her seat. “Where’d that come from?”

“
I can’t believe she
tried to blame me for the little guy coming up to me. She’s just
trying to keep herself from looking bad, at my expense.”

“
When did you learn to
talk like that? You sound like someone off those daytime T.V.
shows.”

“
I had some time on my
hands this summer, watched some T.V, read a couple of those
parenting magazines they had at the hospital. I guess I learned a
few things.”

“
Maybe I should get
hit on the head. Dancing, speaking…what other talents did you pick
up?” Jessie shook her head in wonderment.

“
You’d be surprised,”
Adya replied cryptically. Moments later a little girl approached
their table.

“
Hi.”

“
Hi there, where is
your mommy?” Looking helplessly at her friend, she shrugged.
“What’s going on? I’ve suddenly become Santa Claus.” Both girls
laughed.

The child lifted her arms. “Up?” A
woman approached as the child attempted to clamber onto Adya’s
lap.

“
Sorry, girls, she’s
usually anxious around strangers. Do either of you happen to
babysit? It’s so hard to find a sitter she likes but she seems to
have taken a shine to you.”

“
Sorry, no. She’s a
little sweetie, though.” Adya sent the little girl to her mother
with a smile and they got up to leave the shopping centre. On their
way she noticed every toddler they passed smiled great big toothy
smiles at her. Daniel’s face came to mind with a shaft of
pain.

“
Jessie, I need you to
cover for me.”

“
What do you mean?”
Her friend’s puzzled gaze met Adya’s clear one.

“
I have something I
need to do tomorrow but I know the parents won’t let me if I ask.
Can I use you? Tell them I’m at your house?”

Her eyes narrowed, “Why…what are
you up to?” A sly smile crept across her face, “You met someone,
didn’t you?”

“
Sort of. I want to
see, spend a day. Will you do it?”

“
I’m not real good at
lying. What if your mom calls?”

“
Don’t answer.” They
snickered, and Adya turned to wink as she opened the door to her
mother’s car. “Bye, see you tomorrow.”

Adya felt guilty deceiving her
mother when Samantha dropped her off at the mall entrance early the
next morning.

“
Have a nice day with
Jessie, honey. I’ll pick you up at the theatre at nine?”

“
Yeah, thanks Mom.
Love you.”

“
Love you
too.”

She went straight to the bus
terminal on the far side of the mall.

“
Round trip to
Brighton, please.”

“
Bus or
train?”

“
Train?”

“
Yes, dear, the train
is faster. Bus stops frequently along the way. It’s five dollars
more for the train.” She pulled out the schedule. “Here, take a
look at the schedule then let me know. You’re travelling
alone?”

“
Yes. I’m
fourteen.”

“
That’s fine, dear.”
Adya took the schedule. She had never taken the train in her youth,
in fact did not remember there being train service to Stamford, but
shrugged it off. The train arrived in Brighton one hour sooner than
the bus. Her decision was easy. Returning to the counter, she dug
her money from her pocket and placed it on the surface.

“
Hi. Train it
is.”

“
Okay, here’s your
change. Have a nice trip. Is someone meeting you at the other
end?”

“
Yeah.
Thanks.”

The countryside rolled past the
train window. Gravel or paved roads divided open fields,
occasionally punctuated by farm houses. The tracks ran parallel to
the highway leading from Stamford, and she knew none had existed
there before. Ubiquitous journal open in her hands, the third such
book, she wrote furiously.

Has to be parallel universes. Only
explanation for the change to the timeline, and a better
explanation of my presence than simply inhabiting my own
fourteen-year-old body. But, what happened to the original girl
then?

Could that be why everything feels
so surreal? Why I don’t feel like this is my life? It disturbs me,
it saddens me, but not to the extent I would have expected. A
roommate suffered a rape at university, and afterward could not
walk alone at night or even sleep with the lights out. Hours of
counselling and support, and the love of a caring boyfriend,
brought her through the trauma. Here I am, alone, yet coping.
What’s wrong with me?