Regret List (18 page)

Okay, it might not technically have been an
engagement ring, but it sure looked and sounded like one.

“I love you, Paige.”

I opened my mouth, mind racing, and realized with
dread what my response would be: I hyperventilated and passed out
on the floor.

I actually don’t remember passing out, but I do
remember a rushing sound in my ears, my vision fading around the
corners, and then I was waking up on the floor. At least this time
I didn’t wake up with a huge lump and a broken wrist. Instead, I
woke up with a ring on my finger. That’s right – the dolt slipped
it on while I was in a state of shock. Apparently, he saw me
wordlessly reach out, so he slipped it on, right before I toppled
out of my chair. I think I was reaching out for help, but
whatever.

I know I sound like a total wimp for passing out, but
I can’t help it. It’s just what I do. This wasn’t the first time I
had gotten overwhelmed and fainted. It nearly happened once before,
in this exact spot, the first time I met Jason’s dad. But this time
was definitely the most embarrassing. Jason was horrified, but my
mom just patted my (newly-adorned) hand and held out a glass of
water for me to drink. To his credit, Jason’s dad didn’t even leave
the table, just continued eating. That guy was not easily
fazed.

We left pretty soon after that, since all I wanted to
do was curl up in bed and go to sleep. Thankfully, my mom didn’t
immediately question me about Jason, but the next morning, she was
waiting for me at breakfast. I was devouring a bowl of cereal and
mostly ignoring her silent stare, when she finally spoke.

“Paige, is Jason who I think he is?” Her voice was
stone-hard.

“Yup.” I continued stuffing my face.

“And he doesn’t know?”

“Nope.”

“Why are you doing this?” She sounded totally
mystified and I finally made eye-contact with her for the first
time since she found out. There was something weird in her face,
like I was a total stranger and she didn’t understand me
anymore.

“I like him,” I said simply. I don’t know if it’s in
my voice, my eyes, or the way I move my body, but I am incapable of
lying to my mom.

She pulled my bowl of cereal away and turned my chair
to face her directly. “Paige…” she warned.

“My personal life is none of your business!” I
growled, pulling my bowl back. I pulled too hard and it tipped
over, spilling milk and cereal on my lap and the floor. For a
moment, we just listened to it drip-drip-dripping off the table,
then she sighed and got up to grab some paper towels.

“Paige, you’re doing something really stupid,” she
said bluntly.

I shrugged, giving her my best I-don’t-care face. She
handed me the paper towels and I blotted up the mess, glad to have
something to distract me from the conversation. “Then just let me
be stupid,” I replied, ducking under the table to clean the
floor.

“Fine,” she said, and I heard her leave the room.
“You’ll just have to make your own mistakes.”

On one hand, I was glad my mom wasn’t going to
interfere, but I think I secretly wished she would. I don’t know,
maybe that’s even why I overlooked telling her a cover story about
Jason’s mom. This had gone way farther than I expected, and I
didn’t see any way out any longer. I mean, that first night when I
kissed him and promised myself that I would do my best to make him
happy, I wasn’t planning on eventually breaking up with him or
anything, but I guess I didn’t really see the big picture. That big
picture was now staring me in the face every time I glanced down to
see that stupid, sparkly ring on my finger.

His words about eventually marrying me and starting a
family haunted my sleep, and I started having nightmares that I was
the one who was pregnant, instead of Grace. Sometimes I was driving
a car and it wouldn’t stop and all of a sudden I saw people
tumbling over the windshield. Sometimes I was walking through a
house full of my kids and there were pills all over the carpet and
I was trying to scoop them up before my babies ate them. I woke up,
gasping for air nearly every night and all I could do was roll over
and try to get back to sleep, fighting back tears.

Throughout it all, I tried to think of some way to
approach Asher, to make him understand what was going on without
explicitly telling him. I was dreading the end of the school year
because it meant I might not see him for months, but there was one
event I was looking forward to: my birthday. Asher had never, ever
missed my birthday, even when his grandmother died and he had to
fly out to Florida. He still borrowed someone’s laptop and started
a video chat with me in order to wish me a happy birthday. If there
was any way to get him to reach out to me, it would be on my
birthday. And I was right, I did end up seeing him on that day, but
not at all in the way I had hoped. In fact, it rivaled the
nightmares that plagued me every night.

I woke up on my birthday with a sense of hope in my
chest. Jason and I had plans to go see a movie later that day, but
as I headed to school, I thought of all the ways in the past that
Asher had surprised me for my birthday. There was the time he
bought me the
exact
CD I wanted, without even asking him, or
the time he decorated my entire room with balloons and streamers
while my mom kept me occupied at the pool, but I think one of my
favorite birthdays was the year I turned eleven.

That year, nobody remembered my birthday. Well, my
mom made me pancakes and bacon for breakfast, but none of the girls
at school had a clue. It’s not like I tried to hide it – I had been
mentioning it all week, but when I arrived at school, it was just
another boring day. Near the end of the day, Sammy remembered and
gave me a quick hug and a, “Oh, happy birthday!” as she ran off
home, but that was it.

I was convinced that nothing could cheer me up and it
was the lousiest birthday ever as my mom drove me home. It didn’t
help that I had a backpack full of homework. I noticed my mom
glance at me in the rearview mirror a few times, but she remained
silent. As we pulled into the driveway, there was a sudden thump as
the car bumped up over something.

“What was that?” I yelled in alarm.

“Uh oh,” my mom muttered, turning around to face me.
“I’m sorry, hon, I think that was your bike. I forgot I took it out
to clean the garage today.”

Now, my bike back then was a disaster. It was old,
the chains slipped, the frame was rusty, and I had long since
outgrown it, but it was better than nothing. Jumping out of the
car, I looked under the car and burst into tears. My bike was a
mangled disaster. I tried to pull it out from under the car, but it
was caught on the underside, and I scraped my elbow on the
pavement.

“Paige, Paige!” my mom called, trying to regain my
attention.

“It’s broken!” I wailed, pulling on the handlebars.
My hand slipped and the tattered streamers tore off, looking
bedraggled and mutilated lying in my palm.

“Paige!” someone else yelled, but my grief had taken
over, and I ignored the voice.

“Paige, you moron!”

“What?” I turned my tear-stained face and saw Asher
holding his own bike, as if taunting me. “Go away,” I sobbed.

“Look!” he insisted, gesturing toward the bike. “It’s
for you!”

“For me?” I sniffled and climbed to my feet. “A new
bike?” I began to realize why everyone was smiling at me.

My mom looked slightly embarrassed as she covered her
mouth and laughed. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t realize you
would be so upset! I thought it would be a silly joke.”

I wiped off my face, starting to smile. “Really? You
got me a new bike?”

She nudged me forward. “Yes! It was Asher’s idea. We
picked it out together while you were at school.”

Running forward, I threw my arms around him and he
grudgingly hugged me back, grumbling something about stupid girls.
He handed over the bike and I hopped on, marveling over how shiny
it was and how my knees didn’t feel like they were going to hit my
elbows as I pedaled around. “Come on!” Asher swung his leg over his
own bike, which had been lying in the grass.

“I’ll be back later!” I hollered at my mom, racing
after Asher. We left a trail of dust behind us as we flew down the
road, heading for the trails that led up to the buttes. When we
reached the top of our butte, we rested for a little bit and Asher
pulled a granola bar and a bottle of pop out of his pockets.
Wordlessly, we shared the two, looking down at the town below
us.

“Happy birthday,” Asher said, handing the bottle back
over to me.

“Thanks.” I took a long swig and climbed up on one of
the biggest boulders, spreading out my arms to feel the breeze. In
that moment, Asher and I were on top of the world and there were no
such things as parents, homework, or stupid friends that couldn’t
remember my birthday. The bike was awesome, but that wasn’t really
what made it my favorite birthday. It was just that moment on the
butte where I felt totally free, with no one but Asher at my side.
After such a crappy day, that’s all I needed.

Now that we were going to the same school, my first
hope was that maybe he had decorated my locker. I’ve always been
jealous of those girls who have signs and ribbons all over their
locker on their birthday so that everybody knows what day it is. I
stood for a moment in front of my blank locker, thinking maybe it
was a trick and it was only decorated on the inside, but when I
opened it, I only saw piles of papers and books. Asher hadn’t even
bothered to return the notebook to me.

Trying not to feel too disappointed, I grabbed my
books and headed to class. Jason waved to me from across the class
and mouthed, “
Happy birthday
,” but my attention was fixated
elsewhere: on Asher’s empty seat. Hoping he wasn’t sick, I
anxiously waited for his arrival, but his seat was still empty when
the bell rang. With a heavy sigh, I propped my chin up on my hand
and waited for class to be over. It was a Friday, so if I didn’t
see him that day, it was unlikely I’d see him again until
Monday.

At lunch, I walked around the school, looking for
Asher, but ran into Terrance instead. “Hey!” I called over to him,
hurrying across the hall to where he sat with his friends.

Terrance groaned as his friends started laughing and
jostling him, watching this dorky red-haired freshman approach.
“What?” he snapped.

His tone made me pause. He always treated me like a
dumb little kid, but he never snapped at me before, even when he
was with his friends. “I, uh, just wanted to know if Asher was at
school today,” I explained.

“No,” he replied. “And you better get used to
it.”

“What?” I stood there for a moment longer, but
Terrance ignored me and started joking with his friends. Realizing
he was done talking to me, I slowly wandered off, trying to figure
out what Terrance meant. I started to look for Caden, but the bell
rang before I could track him down and I had to hurry to my next
class without even getting a chance to nibble on my lunch.

I was still confused that evening, while I waited for
Jason to pick me up for our date. I still had several hours, but
without anything to do, I just sat around, thinking. When my phone
rang, I picked it up without much enthusiasm, glancing at the
number. It seemed familiar, but wasn’t in my list of contacts.
“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, Paige?” The woman’s voice hesitated and I still
wasn’t sure who it was.

“Yeah?”

“This is Asher’s mom.”

My heart lifted at those words. “Hey!” I said,
suddenly perking up. “What’s up?”

“I think maybe you should come over.” Her voice
didn’t sound nearly as energetic and I instantly started to
shake.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She sighed. “You need to come talk to Asher.” Without
a goodbye, she hung up and I was left staring at the phone. I
thrust it back in my pocket and ran outside, hauling my bike out of
the garage. Yelling a quick goodbye to my mom, I jumped on my bike
and took off for Asher’s house, standing up on the pedals to go
even faster. On the ride there, all I could think about was what
must be wrong. Caden’s warning, Terrance’s cold dismissal, and
their mom’s anxiety…it all added up to something horrible. My worst
fear was that Asher was hurt somehow. He didn’t strike me as the
type to hurt himself, but people had surprised me before.

Even as the thought crossed my mind, I felt a huge
weight of responsibility for whatever was wrong. The thought nearly
crushed me. I couldn’t take the responsibility of yet another
person on my skinny shoulders. I leaned down and pushed even
harder. This wasn’t going to work. I knew something had to change.
Whether it was right or wrong, I simply wasn’t strong enough to
take on the responsibility of yet another person’s happiness.

I reached Asher’s house in what must have been record
time and as I dumped my bike in his yard, I made a promise to
myself: I would do whatever I could for Asher because he was my
best friend, but I would not take responsibility for his
well-being. As for Jason, well, I would have to figure that out
later. However, I did take off my ring and stuff it deep in my
pocket. One thing I was sure of was that it did not feel right to
keep wearing that promise.

In over six years, I had never paused to ring the
Pierce’s doorbell, but that’s exactly what I did this time. I
didn’t exactly feel welcome anymore. I leaned over to try and catch
my breath as I waited for the door to open and when it did, I
looked up to see his mom’s face, lined with worry. “Hey,” I panted.
“I’m here.”

She ushered me into the house. Caden and Terrance
were in the living room with the TV on, but it was muted and they
sat in stormy silence, giving me a nasty look. “Go on to Asher’s
room,” she said, waving me on. “He knows you’re coming.”