Relative Happiness (20 page)

“Doesn't he have the right to know?”

“I suppose he does. But I don't know where he is.”

“I see.”

Lexie smiled. “Unless he's roaring around on a ship that's being tossed in a howling, icy Alaskan blizzard.”

“Goodness.”

Lexie asked her dad not to tell her mom. She wanted to do it herself, so Lexie invited her mother over for lunch. She made a huge leafy salad and a low cal dessert to make her happy. As she set the table, there was a knock at the door. It opened. “It's only me.”

“Hi Mom. I'm in the kitchen.”

Lexie heard her talk to Sophie, who had rapidly gained the weight back after her ordeal with her mother. She came into the kitchen and gave Lexie a quick kiss.

“That cat has put all her weight back on, after I tried so hard to get it off.”

“Kids. What can you do?”

“Well, this looks nice.”

“Thank you. Sit down.”

They enjoyed their lunch. Lexie waited until the tea was poured before she launched into her news. A cup of tea was useful for hashing out life's little dramas. It was something to hang on to.

Mom took her first sip. She smiled. “You look so lovely these days.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I don't know, there's a glow about you.”

Lexie beamed.

Her mother realized what she just said. “You're pregnant, aren't you?”

“Yep.”

“Oh, Lexie, dear.” She stared at her. “Well, well.”

“Aren't you happy for me?”

“Well, I don't know the ins and outs or who the father is or how you'll support a child on your own. Or for that matter, how we'll ever tell Beth. But putting all that aside, yes, my love, I'm very happy for you. I can tell you from first-hand experience, there is nothing more wonderful than your first child.”

Lexie blubbered again.

Lexie was at Beth's. She'd made too much spaghetti sauce the night before and brought the rest over for her sister's gang. Of course Beth put her to work making the girls' lunches. Lexie spread peanut butter over eight slices of bread. The big purple pain in a dinosaur suit sang the same banal verse over and over again from the TV in the family room.

Note to self. Get used to it. It'll be your best friend in two years.

She hollered, “Who wants jelly?”

“I do.”

“I do.”

“I do.”

“Abba Daba do.”

That was Maddie. Lexie put some jam on half in case that meant yes or no.

Lexie heard Beth curse at the washing machine. She pounded back upstairs. “Honestly, I swear I go through a box of Tide every three days. I'm broke.”

“Why don't you use the cheaper stuff?”

“Because you can't get the stains out if you use the other kind.”

Note to self. Use Ivory Snow at first, then Tide.

Beth put the laundry basket on the kitchen table and folded a huge mess of underpants alone. She put them in little piles.

“How do you know whose are who's?”

“I got smart by the time Halley arrived. One colour, one girl.”

“Clever.”

Note to self. Remember that. Wait. Don't. Not unless I have
quadruplets.

She delivered the sandwiches to the girls. They didn't look at her. They put their hands up and stared at that purple bonehead.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“Q.”

Lexie walked back to the kitchen and cleared the mess. She licked great quantities of peanut butter off the knife before she threw it in the sink.

Beth laughed. “Stop that or you'll be as big as a house. I swear you've put on weight since that camping trip. I'm surprised Mom hasn't been up your nose about it.”

Lexie stood stock-still. She turned around with her hand on her belly. Her face said everything.

Beth understood. She dropped to the kitchen chair and put a pair of Madison's jumpers over her face and cried her eyes out.

Finally Lexie had to go. She hadn't fed Sophie since breakfast. She and Beth hashed it out as well as they could. They tried very hard to be kind to each other.

Lexie turned the doorknob. “See ya, then.”

Beth grabbed her in a bear hug. “I'm so happy for you Lexie. No one will make a better mother than you. Please don't be mad at me if I can't hold him. Or her. I will one day. I promise.”

Lexie nodded her head furiously and held her back as tight as she could.

She finally felt free. Free to enjoy the next phone call.

“Kate?”

“Hi Lexie! How are you? Daphne and I were just talking about you. Did you make any more of your fabulous rugs?”

“No. Something much better.”

“Really?”

“A baby.”

She heard Kate let out a whoop. “Daphne, come here. Lexie's having a
baby
!” Then noise and confusion and Kate babbling over the phone.

Her mind went blank. It was the first time anyone said it other than her. It felt incredible. She finally believed it.

Lexie's having a baby.

You'd think no one in the world had had one before. She was completely in her own universe. Her little house, her not-so-little cat, her little baby and her.

She rubbed her rapidly growing tummy while she played classical music. She sang lullabies as a hobby. She ate healthy food, stayed away from alcohol, and ran if a smoker came near her. She took care of her baby girl. And she was a girl. She knew it.

Wasn't it amazing, she told herself? She was a mother now. She just knew these things. She was in the club. She didn't need an ultrasound to tell her anything. And to think, she knew all this before she even felt the baby move. When that moment happened she was in the tub. She browsed through her Dr. Spock manual as she soaked in a hot bubble bath. At first she thought she was hungry. Then something told her to pay attention. There it was, a flutter, as soft as silk. Her daughter let her know she was there. Lexie laid her head on the curve of the tub and knew happiness as a physical thing.

Her life was now lived inside and out. She was as aware of one as she was the other. For her, pregnancy was to float in the ocean and feel the sun beat down on her body but savour the cold wet of her skin underneath. Two worlds lived in tandem, two hearts beating as one.

Her poor family was kind to her. They listened, nodded and agreed with everything she said. Kate was especially nice. She let Lexie call collect, since she couldn't afford to phone every day. It seemed to evolve that she and Beth stayed away from each other most of the time. Beth was nice when Lexie called, always asked how she was. Lexie said fine and Beth asked no more.

She helped Beth. She and her mom would often take one or two of the girls on the weekends to give Beth a little break. Mom collected the girls at the door. Lexie stayed in the car. Beth waved from the doorway.

One day Lexie had to go inside. They dropped the girls off and her little monkey chose that particular moment to amuse herself with good kick to the bladder. Mom told her not to be so foolish, to go in the house and use the washroom. Beth said the same thing but she busied herself wiping counters.

Lexie went back into the kitchen and sat for a moment to wait for Mom put on her coat. Brit came up to her. “Can I feel your baby, Auntie Lexie?”

What could she say?

“Of course, sweetheart.” She did and Brit's eyes got big.

“Mommy, come and feel the baby. It kicked me.”

Beth still had her back turned. “That's okay, honey. I'll feel it another time.”

Lexie felt awful.

Brittany patted her tummy. “Poor little baby. I hope you don't die too.”

Lexie lay awake that night and thought of nothing else. In all her excitement, she just assumed everything would be fine. It had to be. She couldn't live if something happened to her little girl. She'd die.

Surely Sudden Infant Death wouldn't strike twice? Not in the same family? She shuddered. But deep in her heart, Lexie knew it wouldn't happen. She'd be strong, like her Daddy. And that's when the baby's name came to her. Jocelyn. Joce for short. Joss.

Lexie and Susie worked on their baby projects in the evening in front of the fire. They knit jumpers and sweaters and hats. Lexie made a quilt for the crib, as well as bumper pads to protect the baby's head and even flannel sheets.

Lexie looked over at Sue one night, working so diligently on her behalf, stitching the seam of a receiving blanket.

“Susie?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to be Jocelyn's godmother?”

Susie's head flew up and she held the blanket to her chest. “Really? Me?”

“Of course you.”

“But what about your sisters?”

“You're the only one who ever met Joss. It would mean a lot to me.”

She couldn't wipe the smile off her face. “I'd love to. More then anything.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me.”

Susie put the blanket back on her lap. “Hey, I'm the one who should be thanking you. This may be as close as I ever get to having a baby. I'm delighted.”

Susie also agreed to be her Lamaze coach. When they walked into their first Lamaze class, most of the other couples gave them wide smiles, to let them know they were truly enlightened and not in the least bit surprised that a gay couple would be there. But Glace Bay is a conservative place. Try as they might, a few of the parents were uncomfortable with the idea and Lexie and Sue knew it. It was mean to pretend they were together, but they couldn't resist. It amused them.

They especially loved to pull the chain of a prim, uptight gal accompanied by her equally prissy husband. The woman faced Lexie as their partners rubbed their lower backs. They were supposed to breathe in and out slowly, not talk. She pointed at Lexie. “How does this work?”

“How does what work?” Lexie asked innocently. Susie gave her a subtle shove with her fist to remind her not to get carried away.

She waggled her finger back and forth between them. “Who's the Mommy?”

“I'll be the mommy on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and Susie will be the mommy Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sunday's a day of rest.”

Mrs. Tight-Ass gave Mr. Tight-Ass a shocked glance. He looked like he had swallowed a lemon.

“Won't that be confusing for the child?”

“We'll wear name tags.”

She had heard enough. She heaved her swollen belly away from Lexie and made her husband move her mat to the other side of the room.

“You'll get us in so much trouble,” Susie whispered.

“She can bite me.”

Lexie spent more and more time at the library in a chair. Her back hurt if she was on her feet for too long. She couldn't bend over to return books on the lower shelves. And she had a hard time typing on the keyboard around her expanding girth.

Marlene walked by and did a double take, as she watched Lexie try and squeeze herself into her seat. “I swear on my aunt Tilly's big toe, you're having triplets. Or twins at least.”

“I've asked the doctor. He says no.”

She scoffed. “What do doctors know? My aunt Myrna's doctor swore up and down the rash on her backside was nothing to worry about. It killed her dead.”

“How can a rash kill you dead?”

“She died of embarrassment showin' it to too many doctors.”

“Marlene. Give it up.”

Mom and Dad sat her down one night after Sunday dinner at their house, to go over finances. They helped her with a budget. She didn't make much money so she had to be organized. She'd save money on diapers because she was making her own. She'd breast feed and she'd already made most of Jocelyn's clothes. Mom pointed out there would be a ton of hand-me-downs from the girls. Lexie realized she had them convinced the baby was a girl. Only Dad asked if it was wise to make so many pink things.

That's when they told her they had a nest egg put aside for her. As a matter of fact, there was one for all of them. They wanted her to know that it was there, if ever she should need it. It was her decision when she wanted to use it.

Lexie was overwhelmed. She felt better now that she knew she had something to fall back on.

“It's important to feel secure,” her mother said.

Now that Lexie would soon be a mother, she started to look at her own mother differently. She still drove Lexie up the wall. Her intentions were good, she just went about “helpful” suggestions with a sledgehammer. But Lexie wasn't angry anymore. Life was too short. Being a mother, she was beginning to realize, was difficult.