Relative Happiness (39 page)

“It wasn't hard.”

She floundered, “But, why are you back here? I was under the impression you were a mystery man and no one could contact you.”

“Well, I was under contract in Alaska—but it wasn't a permanent job. I always knew I'd come home.”

She couldn't believe it. This was too much. “Was I supposed to know that? Where's home?”

“Neil's Harbour.”

Maybe three hours away.

She folded her arms on the table in front of her and laid her head on them. She didn't know what to think. She was in a deep well of sorrow.

She finally lifted her head to look straight at him. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“We didn't talk a lot, as I remember.”

He'd betrayed her. “I thought you were from far away.”

“If I was from that far away, why would I be helping a bunch of friends in Chéticamp?” He said it as if it was easy to understand. “I was home that fall for my brother's wedding.”

He stopped for a minute and leaned towards her. “Look, Lexie, all this is irrelevant. I came back here to see you. It's as simple as that.”

Her energy seeped away. “Why? Oh God, Joss. Why have you come?”

He gave her that look that turned her insides to mush. “I want you.”

She couldn't say anything.

“Lexie, you were special. I knew that from the very beginning. But I assumed when I left that the usual thing would happen. I'd eventually forget about you and move on to the next girl.” He rubbed his hands over the tops of his legs, as if they bothered him. “That's how it's always been. But every time I was with someone, it was your face I saw. That's never happened to me. I couldn't get you off my mind. Gradually, I realized maybe it was the real thing. It took me awhile to figure out.”

“Why did you stay away so long then?”

He smiled. “I was stupid. I'd started a new business and bank managers don't care about your love life.”

She put her hands over her face. He talked, but she didn't want to see him anymore. It was too hard to look at him.

He sounded confused. “I don't know what's wrong, Lexie. I didn't mean to come here and hurt you. I only wanted to tell you, I think I love you. In fact, I know I do.”

She still wouldn't look at him.

“I came for you once. Someone told me you were married. So I left.”

She took her hands away. “What?”

He didn't answer her question. “I look at you and I want you so bad it hurts. I thought maybe you felt something for me too. But if you have someone else in your life, I'll go away and never come back. It would be my own fault, for not getting here sooner. If you want me to go, I'll go.”

Big tears rolled down her face.

“Hey now, hey now, don't do that, Lexie. I'm sorry. I don't want you to cry.”

He reached out to take her hand. He stood and pulled her to him, to comfort her. He held her and cradled her head. “Don't, baby girl. It's okay, Lexie. I'm right here.”

She put her hands up to reach around him and he picked her up in his big arms.

She buried her face against his neck. “You have to go Joss. You have to go.”

He held her tighter.

“But before you go, take me upstairs and love me.”

He didn't need to be asked twice.

What was she doing? What was she going to do? “Joss, you have to go.”

She tried to leave. She tried. He held her back.

“You love me, Lexie.”

He was behind her. He put his hand up through her hair.

“No.”

“You love me, Lexie.” He kissed the nape of her neck.

“No.”

“I know you do. You can't make me believe you don't.” He pushed her down, leaned over and held her head between his hands. He rubbed his thumb slowly over her lips. Oh no. She took it inside her mouth and bit it. He slowly slid it out and kissed her. She disappeared inside that kiss.

It took every ounce of energy she had to tear herself away.

“Joss. Let me up.”

Her voice was cross. He got up immediately.

She got up off the bed and put on her clothes. He stared at her as if he couldn't believe it.

“Joss, I don't have a lot of time. I know you won't understand this. I don't understand it myself. But you have to go.”

“Why?”

“Because the man I love will be home in fifteen minutes.”

“What did you just say?”

“You heard me.” She rushed around and straightened things up.

He jumped off the bed and started to put on his own clothes. “The man you love is in this room.”

“I'm so sorry. I don't mean to hurt you.” She brushed her hair and passed Joss his shirt and shoes.

He looked angry. “And how long have you known this man if you can get into bed with me, ten minutes after I show up at your door?”

She ran into the bathroom to throw more water on her face.

“I've loved him for years.”

Joss waited for her to pass through the bathroom door. He grabbed her arm in his big hand and made her look at him. “Years? Is that what you just said?”

“Yes.”

He came very close to her. “Tell me Lexie. Did you love him when you made wild love to me in that cabin for a week? Was he the love of your life then?”

She pulled her arm away. “I don't have to tell you anything. You just have to get out of here.”

“Fine.” He threw on his shirt, grabbed his jean jacket and started down the stairs. She was right behind him. She didn't have a thought in her head. It happened too fast.

She heard the front door open. She thought she'd faint. Oh, my God. Adrian.

“Yoo hoo,” sang Mom, “it's only us.”

And she and Joshua walked in the door.

The four of them stood there and didn't move. Mom was startled. Joshua stared at Joss. Lexie was behind Joss so she didn't see his face, but his body went rigid. Lexie put her hands over her mouth. She didn't want to scream.

Joshua started to look frightened. “Mama, Mama.” She ran down the stairs past Joss and picked up her baby, more to comfort herself than anything.

Some of the shock started to wear off Mom. She looked at her. “Do you need me, Lexie?”

Lexie shook her head no.

“Then I'll be in the kitchen.” She looked at Joss. “Excuse me.” She went down the hall.

Lexie watched her go, because she didn't want to see Joss's face. Finally she had to look. Joshua pointed at him.

“Who dat?”

She didn't say anything. Joss looked at her. The hurt in his eyes was more than she could stand.

“I'm your father.”

And before she could say a word, he ran down the stairs and out the door.

Lexie held onto Josh for as long as she could, but he wanted to get down. He wiggled out of her arms and ran to the kitchen. He wanted Sophie.

She put her hands up and pulled her fingers through her hair and kept them there. She had no idea what she should do. She was numb. To stay in one spot seemed sensible, because if she moved she'd become undone.

Her mother stood in the kitchen doorway. “Lexie?”

She broke the trance. Lexie ran to her and sobbed. Her mother held her as she wept.

“What is it sweetheart?” She rubbed her back. “Honey, was that Joshua's father?”

Lexie simply nodded against her sweater.

“Come and sit down.” Mom pulled her along and sat her down. She went to the fridge and poured cold water into a glass and brought it over to her. She also brought a box of tissue. Then she turned and grabbed a clean tea towel. She put it under the faucet to get it wet, then wrung it out and came over to Lexie. She wiped her daughter's face, as if she were a little girl, then put the cold cloth on the back of her neck. Lexie breathed a little slower. She drank some water and blew her nose. Her eyes were swollen.

Her mother sat down beside her. “Where's Adrian?”

“He'll be back soon.”

“Does he know that…” She paused. “That your friend was here?”

Lexie shook her head no. “He knows someone was here, but not who. I asked him to go for a walk and come back in two hours. God. Poor Adrian. What have I done?”

“Darling. What's this all about?”

She gave a deep sigh. “Mom, I don't know. I can't think.”

“Well, did—for God sake, what's his name?”

“Joss.”

“Well, did this Joss just suddenly show up? I don't imagine you knew he'd be here.”

“Of course I didn't know,” she cried. “He just turned up out of nowhere. I can't believe this. Why? All I want is a nice little life and the minute I think I have it all figured out, some catastrophe happens.”

Lexie pulled her hair back again. She wanted it off her face, as if she needed to see more clearly. “I thought I'd never see him again. That stupid idiot let me believe he was from far away. I honestly never—”

“So why has he suddenly come back? Why now?”

She was furious. “Oh that
stupid
man. He comes back to tell me he loves me. Loves me! He said he came back once and someone told him I was married. That's crazy. Who'd do that? If he really loved me he'd never have left me. He should never have let me go.”

Lexie jumped up and started to pace around the kitchen. “Then the fool tells me he's from Neil's Harbour! Can you believe it? He's from Cape Breton, the
stupid, stupid
man.”

“All right, Lexie,” her mother said impatiently, “we've established he's stupid. Now tell me something. Why did he come down the stairs looking as if he'd just thrown his clothes on?”

Lexie sat down on the chair beside her again. “Oh my God, Mom. I went to bed with him two minutes after Adrian left. What am I doing?”

“I have no idea what you're doing,” she frowned. “And I take it by his reaction to Joshua, you didn't tell him he had a son before he whisked you upstairs?”

Lexie shook her head and stuffed her fist in her mouth to keep from screaming.

“Okay, calm down.” She pulled Lexie's fist away. “Let's think rationally. Don't get too frantic. If you see him again, you'll explain that you didn't know where he was, but he's more than welcome to visit Joshua from now on.”

Lexie's eyes widened.

“He's the boy's father,” Mom said firmly. “If he wants to see his son, you have no right to keep him away, no matter who you're involved with. You'll work it out. You don't have to figure it out today.”

“Next.” It was as if she counted off a list. It gave Lexie a little focus. “If you jumped into bed with him, that must mean you still have feelings for him.”

“I don't!” she hollered. “It was just lust, or something. It was stupid. I love Adrian! He needs me. I love Adrian. I've loved him for so long, and now he comes back and he's so sweet to me. How could I have betrayed him like that? I'm so ashamed of myself.”

She wiped her eyes. It seemed all she ever did was cry about something. It frightened her. She didn't want to lose herself, didn't want to kneel on the frozen ground again. Her baby needed her.

Mom stated it as if it were simple. “All right, Lexie. Then you have it figured out. You love Adrian. You want him in your life. You don't owe Adrian any explanation. He was gone for a long time too. You were allowed to have other men. He left you. And you're certainly allowed to have Joshua's father in your life.”

That made sense.

“I know men,” Mom said before pausing. “I thought I did. I don't have a great track record, though do I?”

Lexie gave her a weak smile.

“But I do know one thing. Don't you dare tell Adrian what you just did. A man's ego is pretty fragile, and I don't think he'd understand, you being with him and then with someone else twenty-four hours later.”

Lexie made a face. “How about twenty-four minutes later?”

“God! What am I going to do with you? You told me you and Adrian wanted some time to talk over your future.”

She gave her mother a sheepish look.

Mom glanced around. “Not to mention the fact you're supposed to be cooking dinner. I can't smell anything.” She looked at Lexie. “You were cooking alright, but it wasn't my pot roast.”

Lexie cheered up a little. Her mother patted her hand.

“Look, why don't you go lie down for a few minutes. Then have a shower and put your face on. I'll keep Adrian entertained down here for awhile and we'll make something else for supper.”

“What will you tell Adrian?”