Release (30 page)

“Of
course.  We’ll chat again later.”

Ryann smiled and
excused herself from the group.  She didn’t want to use the bathrooms in
the lobby.  She needed a moment to herself, so she headed back to the
bathrooms by the Admin offices.  When she arrived, she took a moment to
turn on the light, and enjoy the coolness of the room.  The silence. 
She looked in the mirror.

She
would
make it through this.

She used the
facilities, and just as she was drying her hands, she received a text.

The butterflies
let loose.  It was from Jeremy.

JM: 
Hey. 
I’m here.  Where r u?

Her heart was
racing.

RT: 
I’m
in the restroom.  Where r u?

She
waited.  He texted back almost immediately.

JM: 
Looking
for u.  Meet me under the chandelier in the lobby in 5.

Ryann put her
hand to her heart to calm herself.  She took one last look in the mirror
and touched up her makeup.  Then she took a deep breath and walked out the
bathroom door.

She wound
herself down the Admin hallway, but stopped when she heard some people
talking.  Normally, people talking wouldn’t have stopped her.  But it
was the name she heard from a woman’s voice that did.

“Our time in
Boston together was too brief, Jem.  When are we going to set up another
time to see each other?”

A buzzing sound
whooshed into Ryann’s head.  Her breathing picked up, and the rapid rise
and fall of her breath caused a tightness in her chest.  She continued
walking slowly toward the voices.

She heard Jeremy
chuckle.  “I need to talk to her first, Tiff.  I’m supposed to be
meeting her right now, so I gotta go.  How long are you here for, again?”

Ryann could just
see their profiles.  He had his hands loosely clasped around the woman’s
waist.  A beautiful tall woman, with long black hair, wearing a strapless
floor length red gown.  There was a slit up the side exposing her leg.

They were
standing in the alcove leading into the Dean’s office.  Ryann was trying
to fight off the hyperventilation.

“I’m thinking of
moving back permanently.  What would you think of that?” she asked him
saucily, giving him a wink. 

He chuckled
again, and shook his head.  “You know I would love that.  Now, I
gotta
go. 
We’ll finish this later, ok?”

“You bet, baby,”
she said with confidence.  “Call me soon, and let me know how it
went.” 

She reached up
and stroked his cheek with her hand, and he covered it with his own, looking
down at her with tenderness and love.  There was such intimacy
there.  She had called him Jem. 

Ryann stumbled
back into the wall, as pain ripped through her.

Jeremy turned
abruptly.  “Ryann?”  His face registered surprise, then fear in a
split second.

She ran.

“Ryann! 
Wait!  Dammit…”

She just ran,
down the hall, into the lobby and through the people, right for the door.

“Ryann?” Armand
stepped out of nowhere.

“I need to get
out of here,” she said, nearly hysterical.

“Come on. 
This way.”  He pulled her, and took her out a side entrance away from the
main thoroughfare.  Once they were outside, she leaned against the outer
wall, and reached her hands down to her knees, taking in huge gulps of air.

“What
happened?  Are you ok?”

“Please, I can’t
talk.  I just need to get out of here.” 

“Of
course.  Let’s go down this side street.  I’ll get a cab and take you
home.”

“No.”  She
leaned up, gripping the wall behind her.  “You need to stay.  Just
get me a cab.  I’ll be fine.  I just…feel a little sick.”

Then she fought
back a sob, and she couldn’t stop herself.  She felt torn in two.

Damn him. 
Damn him for being another man to leave her...for taking away her choice. 
She couldn’t breathe.

“I’m taking you
home, bella.  Come on.”  He led her away from the side of the
building.

Just as she
pushed away from the wall, she heard Jeremy’s ringtone on her phone.  She
tore at her bag looking for it.

“I feel like
makin’ love…”

A keening sound
tore from her throat as she found the phone and silenced it.  She was
breathing heavily, and tried to calm herself.  She was light headed, as
she followed Armand, his hand engulfing hers as he pulled her along.

He gave her a
knowing look.  “It’s for the best, Ryann.  Come on, let’s get you
home.  It will be alright.  I promise.” 

While she stood
on the adjacent block to the Institute, she stared off into the distance,
remembering the look that Jeremy and the woman shared, and the look on his face
when she’d discovered them.

She closed her
eyes, as the quiet tears streamed down her face.  Armand opened the door
to the cab, and they got in, whisking them away from the Institute...and the
man who’d torn her heart in two.

16 YEARS EARLIER

Travis wants to spend 7 minits in heven with you. 
Check one.

____ ok         
____ not ok

Eleven
year old Ryann Fiona Campbell reread the note that Jason Cather had passed her
in Mrs. Cardella’s first period English class.  His spelling was
horrible.  That should have been her first warning not to listen to him.

Stupid
boys.  Why couldn’t they be normal human beings?  They were such
jerks.

Ryann
recalled the moments from recess earlier in the day, when Travis yanked her
pony tail so hard it nearly ripped her head off of her shoulders, then he
pushed her and tried to steal her notebook.  Jerk.  She didn’t know
why she had such a crush on him.  He was always so mean to her.

When
she got the note from Jason, she was giddy with excitement, and had checked ‘ok.’ 
But when she saw Travis after lunch, he was his same jerky self.

The
bus was finally coming to her stop, and she turned to her new best friend
Ayanna Sarin to say goodbye.

“Boys
are assholes, Ryann,” she said flipping her beautiful hair over her shoulder,
fluffing it with her fingers.  Then she dug through her purse to take out
her lip gloss and coat her lips with the goop.  She didn’t know what
Ayanna was getting all dolled up for.  They were just going home, for
crying out loud.  But she had stood up for her the year before when Marcy
Sherman had made fun of her for her dad walking out on them, so she cut her
some slack.

“What
you need to find is a
man.
”

Ryann
rolled her eyes.  “I’m eleven, Yan.”

Ayanna
shrugged.  “Fine.  Then don’t complain.”

Ryann
got off the bus, and walked up to the front door of her suburban New Jersey
home, all the while cursing every male alive.

She
hadn’t allowed herself to cry in front of Travis.  Her mom always said
that boys didn’t like seeing girls cry.  It made them uncomfortable. 
But now that she was home, she could let loose.

She
walked in the front door, saw her mom in the living room, then stomped up the
stairs and slammed her bedroom door, embracing the frustration of pissed off
eleven year old girls everywhere.

A
couple of seconds later, her mom knocked, then walked in.

Riley
Campbell sat down next to her daughter on the bed.  “What’s this?” she
asked, wiping the tears streaming down Ryann’s face.  “You had a bad day,
then?” she asked with her Scottish brogue.

“What
do you think?” Ryann mumbled.  “I
hate
boys,” she sniffed, wiping
her nose on her sleeve.

Her
mother sighed.  “Ah, luv.  They are a different breed, aren’t
they?”  Pause.  “Was it this Marsh lad, then?”

“He’s
such a jerk,” Ryann said vehemently.  “He’s always pulling my hair, or
stealing something of mine…”  She punched her pillow and laid her head
down facing the wall.

Her
mother chuckled softly, then ran her hand over her daughter’s auburn
curls.  Ryann loved it when her mother played with her hair. 

“You
need to be patient, Ree.  Laddies just don’t know how to express
themselves when they like a lass.  They’re a wee bit out of sorts, when it
comes to making their true feelings known.  The first crush is always the
hardest...for the lad
and
the lass.  That’s why they call them
crushes…because they hurt so badly.”

“I
don’t ever want to fall in love again.  It sucks.”

Her
mother looked gently at her daughter.  “Ah, come now.  Someday you’ll
find someone who deserves your love, Ree.  Someone who will make your
heart sing, and bring you a passion that you’ve never experienced before. 
A passion that will make you feel alive, and see the world with a new set of
eyes.”

Ryann
looked up at her mom, and watched her stare off into space.  She knew her
mom was thinking of her father.

“Passion
and love are always worth the risk, Ree.  There are times it may not work
out…because that’s life.  But when you feel that excitement, and
life?  When it works out?  When it does, luv,” her mom looked off
into space, with a smile on her face, and breathed, “what a glorious thing it
is…”

Present Day
 

Ryann
stared out the window of the cab framing the rush of Friday night traffic of
the Lower East Side, like a frenzied abstract painting to be admired.

However,
she could find no joy in it that evening.

She
knew Armand was holding her hand, but she couldn’t feel it.  Her thoughts
were consumed with the past 10 minutes of her life.   The agony, the
absolute despair that was engulfing her, pulling her deeper into a pit, of
which she feared, she’d never get out.

She
had stopped crying, almost as quickly as she had started.  She was embarrassed
that Armand had seen her this way…especially since he’d predicted this very
thing to happen so early on.  Everyone had hinted at Jeremy’s true
character, but she hadn’t wanted to believe them.  She had wanted to
believe that what they’d had was different.

But
it wasn’t.  Armand had been right.  She was just another one of his
toys…and he had many of them.

The
woman had said that they had seen each other in Boston.  And all the while
he had been texting her, calling her, telling her he missed her.

A
sound escaped, and Armand squeezed her hand.  She pulled her hand from
his, and turned away.

Minutes
later, they pulled up outside her apartment, and Armand paid the cab driver,
while she got out of the car.

“Thank
you,” she murmured, when he joined her at the curb.  “I’ll be fine,
Armand.  Thank you for seeing me home, but you really do need to get
back,” she said, still a bit shocky.

“No
I don’t.  My responsibility is done for the evening.  I’m staying
here with you, and I won’t take no for an answer, bella.”  She was a
zombie, and didn’t have the energy to argue with him.

What
was it with all of these men who couldn’t take no for an answer, she thought
angrily.  Why had Jeremy pursued her anyway, when it was clear he didn’t
want exclusivity?  Apparently, he only wanted
her
to be
exclusive.  But he could play around?  She was so fucking
furious...and hurt.  How could he do this to her?

Armand
walked in and nodded at the doorman.

Ryann
looked up at George, and blinked away her tears.

“Ms.
Thornton,” George said, apparently noting her expression, because he then said
with concern, “Are you alright?”  She must’ve looked a wreck.

“Yes,
thank you,” she whispered.

They
got on the elevator, and Armand turned to cup her elbow.  “Which floor,
bella?”

She
looked at him, as if just realizing he was there for the first time. She
blinked. “Umm.  Five. Fifth floor.”

He
punched the number, and the car climbed the floors.  When the doors
opened, he led her out.  “Which way?”

Ryann
turned and walked toward her apartment, the realization now hitting her that
Armand was with her.  She had to get rid of him.  She needed…she
needed to be alone.  Away from him.

She
stopped in front of her door, and looked up at the handsome Italian man who had
made his interest known early on.

“Where’s
your key, bella?  Let’s get you inside.”

“Armand,
I really do appreciate you seeing me home, but I need some rest, and would like
to be alone.”

A
flash of annoyance passed over his face, but was quickly replaced with an
expression of sympathy.

“Ryann,
you’ve been through some sort of shock.  Although I don’t know what
happened, I’m sure Jeremy is at the center of it.  Now, open the door, and
let me take care of you,” he purred.  “I promise you won’t regret it... I
just want to comfort you.”

He
leaned in and kissed her neck. Really?  He really thought at this moment
she wanted him to make the moves on her?

She
felt nausea rise in her throat.

Ryann
put up her hand and pressed his chest, gently pushing him back.
 “Armand.  I mean it.  Thank you for seeing me home, but this is
as far as it goes.”

He
looked her in the eyes with an icy glare, which quickly turned to heat. 
She felt a moment of fear, and realized perhaps she shouldn’t have
underestimated his determination.

“He’s
thrown you away, Ryann.  He’s completely taken you for granted.  I
could help you get over him, bella.  Very quickly,” he whispered, taunting
her.

She
swallowed.  He was presenting a way to get back at Jeremy for the pain he
had caused her.  As much as Ryann wished she could play that game, it
wasn’t her way.  Nor did she have any desire to pursue anything with
Armand.  She needed him gone.  She needed to be alone.

“Please,
Armand.  I’m asking you to respect my wishes and go.”

He
paused, and clenched his jaw.  “If you insist, Ryann.  You have my
card.  Don’t hesitate to call when you change your mind.”

She
wouldn’t be changing her mind, but she didn’t tell him that.

“Allow
me to at least see you safely inside.  Do you have your key?”

She
sighed.  She reached into her bag, got out her key, and unlocked her
door.  Before walking in, she turned back to him and thanked him again.

He
bowed slightly to her, and walked down the hall.

She
walked inside, and bolted the door closed, then dropped her head back onto the
door, and let out a shaky breath.  She let the tears flow, as she sank to
the floor and hugged her knees.

She
sobbed, and thought of her mom.  How on earth had she survived her father
leaving her?  She was the most courageous woman she knew, a person who
could still believe that love was worth it, despite having that love ripped
away from her when her father had left.  How could her mother still
believe it was worth it after the pain her father had caused her?

Losing
Brent wasn’t the same.  He hadn’t chosen to leave her.  This. 
This seemed so much more painful.  If what she was feeling was a fraction
of what her mom had felt, Ryann couldn’t understand why her mother had ever
gotten married again.

Ryann
paused, and in a moment of clarity, she knew what she had to do. 

Five
minutes later, overnight bag in hand, she was out the door.

…..

It
was approaching the 11 o’clock hour when Ryann stepped off the train at Union
Station in New Haven, Connecticut.  She entered the main area, and saw the
face she had been waiting to see.

Riley
Fiona Campbell Russo was still an attractive woman.  Curly red hair, big
blue eyes, and a curvy figure dressed in comfortable sweats.  And at that
moment, there wasn’t a sight more beautiful in the world.

They
walked quickly to meet each other, then hugged tightly.  Both were
independent women, but Ryann had always thought her mother was the most
courageous woman in the world.  Forever positive, she was known for
pushing through life’s adversity with a smile on her face and a spring in her
step.

Riley
gave Ryann the once over, noting her cocktail dress and heels, and said
quietly, “Looks like we’re both dirty stay-outs tonight, luv.  But you’re
certainly better dressed for the occasion.”

Riley
saw the sadness in her daughter’s eyes, and wrapped her arm around her
shoulder.  “Come on, luv.  Let’s get you home.”

Ryann
was quiet for the 15 minute ride to Hamden where her mother lived with her
stepfather, Tony.  When they got to her mom’s house, Riley led her
upstairs and told her to put on her pjs to get ready for bed.  Five
minutes later, her mother knocked on the guest room door, and walked in.

She
found Ryann in bed still in her dress, tears quietly streaming down her face.

Riley
began stroking Ryann’s hair.  “We’re going to talk it all out in the
morning, Ree, and then we’re going to figure it out.  You’ll see.”

“You
were wrong, Mom,” Ryann whispered.

Riley
paused.  “About what, luv?”

“Passion
and love.  It isn’t worth the risk.”

Riley’s
hand stilled in Ryann’s hair, then she wiped the tears away from her
face.  “It might not feel like that now, but it is, luv.  It
is.”  Pause.  “We’ll figure it all out in the morning.  You need
to get some sleep so you can think straight when we do.  The morning
always gives a new perspective.”

She
leaned down and kissed Ryann on the forehead, then got up and left, closing the
door behind her.

Ryann
cried herself to sleep, convinced this was the first time her mother would be
wrong.

…..

Ryann slept fitfully.  At a little before six,
she finally opened her eyes, trying to get her bearings.  Then the despair
hit her with such force, it nearly stopped her breath.  She felt as if a
weight was on her chest making it difficult to breathe.

She
had fallen asleep in her cocktail dress, so she despondently got up to use the
bathroom, and changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt.  Then, she went
downstairs.

She
found her mom at the kitchen table with coffee and bagels.  Riley had
always been an early riser.  Ryann sat down opposite her.

Riley
took one look at her, and said, “You didn’t sleep well, did you, luv?”

Ryann
shook her head.  “Where’s Tony?”

“He
went out to get the paper.  You ready for some coffee?”

“Yes.”

Her
mom poured her a cup and put it in front of her, then sat back down.  She
looked at her daughter, and said, “Talk, Ree.  Start at the beginning.”

And
she did.  She told her everything.  From the first time she saw
Jeremy outside the Holland Tunnel, to Tabitha’s showing, and his connection to
her former student, then the realization that he was on the board at the
Institute, and the role his family played in it.  She told her about the
way he pursued her.  She even told her about the sex.  About the
struggle she had with having someone after Brent, and how completely different
the two men were in personality and prowess.  She told her of the loss of
his father, his carpentry, his past with women, the comments from Jennifer and
Armand which fueled her insecurities of not being enough for him...but then
Jeremy telling her she was the first woman to stay at his house.

She
told her of the distance he had shown in the last week, and the seemingly
contradictory behavior he exhibited.  That she had mistakenly fallen in
love with this man who had tricked her into believing he was wonderful and
perfect for her.  She told her of the gala, and the moments with
Tabitha.  And then…she told her of the moment she found Jeremy with the
woman, and the conversation she’d overheard….of the moment that propelled her
to take a train to New Haven.

Nearly
45 minutes had passed since she’d started talking.  She cried through the
whole telling, and when she was done, her mother passed her another tissue, and
sat looking at her.

A
moment later, her mother said, “Ree, has it ever occurred to you that maybe,
just maybe, you misunderstood what you saw between Jeremy and this woman?”

Ryann
blinked at her mother in shock.  “Mom, how could I have misunderstood
anything?  They talked of seeing each other in Boston.  She wanted
him to call her after he spoke to me.  There’s nothing to
misunderstand!  He was going to end it with me, and hook up with her
later.  You didn’t see the way she touched his face, or the way he looked
at her.”  Another sob escaped.  “There was an intimacy there..they
knew
each other, Mom.  And she called him ‘Jem.’  Only his family and
close family friends call him ‘Jem.’ It was obvious they knew each other
very
well.”

Riley
waited a beat, then raised an eyebrow.  She waited a few more seconds for
Ryann to catch up, and hear what had just come out of her mouth.

Ryann
blinked again, but this time in confusion.  “You think maybe she
was…family or something?”

“Is
it possible?  A cousin, perhaps?”

In
her head, she replayed the scene and words between Jeremy and the woman. 
Was it possible there wasn’t a sexual meaning behind them?

The
thought had never crossed Ryann’s mind.  The familiar feeling of
butterflies let loose in her stomach, but this time the feeling accompanying
the flutter wasn’t dread.  It was hope.  She squashed it down.

“Ree,
I don’t know if it was a family member, or a good friend, or if she was a
lover.  But perhaps he wasn’t talking about ending it with you. 
Maybe he just wanted to talk about something else important to him.  But
the only way you’ll know for sure, luv, is if you go back and find out.
 If it turns out he’s a scoundrel, then he isn’t worth your tears. 
You live and learn, and move forward.  You’re the strongest person I know,
Ree.  You truly are.  I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.”

Ryann
looked at her mother in amazement.  She couldn’t believe the words coming
out of her mouth.

Her
mother paused and reached for Ryann’s hand.  “But, luv, hear me now. 
You cannot let your fear color every situation you see.  If this man is a
good man, and you’ve found true love and passion with him, he
is
worth
the risk.  You need to find out, because as you know more than anyone,
life is indeed too short to not know.”

Ryann
was breathing quickly, and this time the tears streaming down her face were
tears of uncertainty.  She
would
find out.  And her mother was
right.  If he was a shit, well then, she would cry her final tears, and
push forward the best way she could.  She’d want to die every day, but
she’d survive.

She
would go home and hear what he had to say.  She would guard her heart, but
try to keep an open mind.  It absolutely wouldn’t be easy, but she would
try.

Ryann
looked at the clock on the wall.  6:58. She got up quickly and said, “I
need to go.”

Riley
smiled.  “Yes.  You do.  Let’s get you on a train.  If we
leave now, you can catch one before 7:30.  You’ll call me when you have
all of this figured out, then?”

“I
love you, Mom,” she exhaled happily.  “Yes, I’ll call.”