Releasing Me (21 page)

“
No, of course not, that’s not the same––
”
he ran is fingers through his hair in frustration.

“
As much as it pains––no, as much as it
kills
me that she is pregnant with your child, it is in fact still
your
child. You can’t treat this baby any differently than you would if it were our baby.
”

Shaking his head he exhaled.
“
That’s just it … it’s not the same. No person wants to or should be told that they were a mistake, but what happened the night that child was conceived
was
a mistake. I can’t love you the way I do and ever say otherwise. Don’t you understand? It’s just biology to me right now. I feel no more attachment to this child than a sperm donor would. But I don’t have the option of anonymity and I fucking hell wish I did!
”

I jumped in his lap straddling him as I hugged him into me with a fierce intensity.
“
I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I’m just
… I don’t know.
”

“
I don’t care if I sound like the biggest prick in the world, but even if I feel a connection or some sort of love toward this child, it will never compare to the way I would love our child. We would create something from us … our love and part of my love for it would be that it was part of you … the woman who
is
the love of my life. Can’t you understand that?
”

I did understand, and in that moment, I fell even deeper in love with him. Everyone has a dark side, those thoughts that enter our minds uninvited. Sometimes it is just a random
“
what if.
”
What if I jerked the steering wheel to the right while going over a bridge and sent the car plummeting into the lake? What if I jabbed this knife through my chest?

Then there is the part of our dark side that’s called
brutal honesty
. How does my hair look? Like a fucking poodle. Does this make my ass look big? Like the Titanic. Will you still respect me in the morning? I don’t respect you now. The real truth is––honesty is rarely the best policy. Most nice people are liars and most jerks are honest.

Quinn was brutally honest. He was never going to feel absolute love for a child who, in his mind, was the result of the biggest mistake of his life.

I leaned back and cupped his scruffy jaw in my hands.
“
I do understand … I really do. Now, let’s change the subject.
”

He kissed me and tugged the blanket away from me. Then dropping his gaze to my naked body, he grinned.
“
We don’t have to
talk
at all.
”

I leaned in and traced my tongue below his ear.
“
You’re right, we don’t,
”
I whispered in a sexy voice,
“
we can …
eat
.
”
Grabbing the blanket again, I stood up and wrapped it around myself.

He groaned,
“
Tease.
”

*

Later that day I checked my phone and found fifteen missed calls from Mac. Guilt washed over me when I thought of her trying to reach me in an emergency.

“
Fifteen, huh? And that doesn’t count the five times I answered when she called,
”
Quinn said, looking over my shoulder.

“
You talked to her?
”

“
From the looks of things, I did a fourth of the times she called.
”

“
What did you say?
”
I was worried he told her about me, about us. Mac was my go-to person, but pregnancy officially removed her from my call list. The last thing she needed was my problems.

“
I told her you were under the weather.
”

“
Crap, why’d you tell her that?
”

“
Um … because I figured you’d be upset if I told her the truth.
”

“
I would have, but you should not have said I was sick,
”
I groaned as I scrolled through the dozen or more texts she sent too.

“
What’s the big deal?
”

“
The big deal is now she knows you were lying which means she either thinks I’m avoiding her or I’ve been abducted.
”

“
How does she know I was lying.
”

“
Because I don’t get sick.
”

“
What do you mean you don’t get sick … ever?
”

“
Ever … well, except food poisoning my senior year in high school and the occasional alcohol overdose.
”

“
How is that possible?
”

I shrugged my shoulders.
“
Apparently I’m a freak of nature of sorts. Well, that and I eat a plant-based diet.
”
After I finished reading her messages I sighed.
“
I think we’re in the clear. The gist of her messages was she wants me to call her when you untie my naked, over-sexed body from the bed. Apparently, her pregnancy brain is stuck on one thought and one thought only … sex. Anyway, she wants to know if we’ll be returning to Chicago for Christmas. Well?
”

When I looked back at Quinn he was in a daze looking at the tree while pinching the sides of his bottom lip together.

“
Earth to Quinn …
”

He shook his head as if trying to clear his mind.
“
Sorry, I didn’t hear anything past your naked, over-sexed body tied to my bed.
”

“
Sadist. Yes or no to Chicago for Christmas?
”

He looked around at our miniature North Pole and smiled.

Mine matched his.
“
We’re staying here for Christmas?
”

He winked with a slow single nod.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Quinn stayed home
several more days to make sure I was off suicide watch. Then he reluctantly went back to the office Wednesday morning, but not before having his wicked way with me twice in bed and once in the shower. I sat, bundled in my robe, on a padded bench in the massive walk-in closet. I loved watching Quinn dress for work. I had a ridiculous weakness for him in a three-piece suit, and he knew it.

He smirked at me in the mirror as he finished tying his tie.
“
I need to go back to work today, but if you don’t stop fucking me with those beautiful blue eyes, I’m going to be forced into
tying
you to the bed and torturing you with my tongue until the people standing across the street know my name.
”

“
I think you’re a little too full of yourself this morning. If you don’t make it to work today, it won’t be because of me, it will because your big head won’t fit through the door.
”

He tilted his chin up as he made a final adjustment to his tie.
“
A thousand dollars says you have a pool of hot, wet desire for me nearly ready to seep down your legs as we speak.
”

Cocky little shit!

Squeezing my legs together, I squinted my eyes at him.
“
I think you’d better just save your money for your venture capitalistic wagers at your stuffy, boring, financial geek job.
”

He walked over to me and bent down close to my ear. I caught a whiff of his aftershave wafting from his neck just inches from my lips. He slid his hand under my robe as I tried to tighten my legs together even more. My efforts were frivolous in such close proximity to him. His long finger easily slid between my folds into my drenched channel. After moving back and forth a couple of times, he removed it.

“
Cash is fine,
”
his deep voice resounded in my ear.

As he stood straight, he stuck his wet finger in his mouth and sucked it.
“
Mmm, have a good day, my beautiful.
”

*

Although Quinn was at work, it felt quite crowded in his condo with just me and all my thoughts. I never imagined the day would come that I would actually consider seeing a therapist again, but with my BFF being off limits for counseling, I was considering finding someone in New York. I tried yoga and meditation, and maybe it was because I was in a place that held so many hurtful memories, but I couldn’t clear my mind. Everything was eating at me, and I knew the longer it lingered in my mind festering, the worse things were going to get for both me and Quinn. I wasn’t looking for someone to solve my problems or even validate my feelings. I simply needed a safe dumping ground for my garbage of emotions, a sounding board that wasn’t pregnant or that didn’t make me weak in the knees every time he looked at me.

Thankfully I had a few nice distractions, technically one every hour as my phone chimed with a text from Quinn.

What are you doing?

Not slitting my wrists if that’s what you’re wondering.

Not funny.

A little funny :)

An hour later …

What are you doing?

Tying a noose.

Still NOT fucking funny!

Ahh
…
now that was totally funny :)

Another hour later …

What are you doing
…
and don’t give me any shit this time!

Smelling your shirt from yesterday and touching myself.

What the fuck are you trying to do to me?

Nothing yet
…
I’m doing it all to myself
…
gotta go
…
actually not going
…
I’m COMING!

That was pretty much the end of him checking up on me.

As the door opened later that afternoon, my body was transported back to its morning frenzy as my sex god walked through the door. I stole a moment to drink him in as he thumbed through the mail.

“
Christmas cards from all your closest friends?
”

He looked up just as I was moving toward him. Tossing the mail and his keys aside, he wasted no time pulling me into his arms.
“
Fucking. Little. Tease.
”

Biting my lip to hide my grin, I worked on loosening his tie.
“
Did you touch yourself after we last
talked?
”
I asked with a devilish grin.

Grabbing my ass, he yanked me closer until the bulge in his pants pressed into my abdomen.
“
I touched myself so much my fucking pecker is probably chafed,
”
he growled.

“
Poor baby,
”
I said with pouty lips.
“
Do you need me to rub some lotion on it for you?
”

He crashed his mouth to mine. Our tongues wantonly moved together as my fingers fumbled to unfasten his pants. I slid my hand under the waistband of his briefs and fisted his erection. He moaned into my mouth as he cupped my breast. Then his phone rang.

“
Don’t answer it,
”
I mumbled into his mouth.

He ignored it as he pulled his suit coat back and shrugged it off his shoulders.

“
God, I missed you today,
”
he breathed out as he grabbed my hair and gently tugged it until I tilted my chin up. His lips, tongue, and teeth ravished my exposed throat. His phone rang again.

“
Fuck!
”
he growled as he grabbed it from his pocket. His brows knitted in frustration as he glanced at the screen.
“
What?
”
he answered, bringing it to his ear.
“
What picture?
”

I pulled my hand from his pants and stepped back. He held his phone back out to look at the screen again. I peeked over the top of his hands to see what he was looking at. It was a photo of an ultrasound.

Back to reality.

I turned and walked to the kitchen. Throwing open the door to the refrigerator, I started taking out food to start dinner. I wasn’t sure what I was making, I just needed the distraction.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

Quinn tossed his phone by his keys and let out a deep breath.
“
Addy—
”

“
It’s fine, don’t … say anything. It’s just … fine.
”

My body moved on instinct because my mind was in shambles. He came up behind me and pulled me against him. I paused.

“
I’m sorry,
”
he softly whispered.

I closed my eyes as a few tears fell down my cheeks. Sucking in my top lip and biting it, I nodded.

He turned me to face him and kissed my tear stained cheeks.
“
Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. As long as I don’t lose you, I’ll do anything. Remember that time you asked me if I’d give it all up?
”

I nodded.

“
Well, I would. I’d give up everything for you. The money, my business … the baby, I’d walk away from it all right now for you.
”

Swallowing back the huge lump in my throat, I smiled and wiped the lower lids of my eye with the tips of my fingers.
“
I know you would.
”
I laughed.
“
God, that’s why I love you so much.
”

He hugged me to his chest and smoothed his hand down the back of my head. It was just one of many heartbreaking moments that would play out in our lives over the next year. I knew that I would need a little outside help to make it through.

*

After dinner we nestled on the couch and drank mint coconut milk hot chocolate in the midst of our very own winter wonderland.

“
Have I mentioned today how much I love your elves?
”

Quinn leaned in and licked some chocolate off my lips.
“
Nope.
”

“
Well, I do. In fact, I don’t want to leave this room until after Christmas.
”

“
That’s going to be pretty difficult. Have you seen our social calendar for the next few weeks?
”
He smiled.

“
You mean
your
calendar because I can assure you I have absolutely nothing on mine, except fattening up on hot chocolate and cookies.
”

When I was younger my parents used to parade me around to every social elite event in Chicago. Charities, parties, political gatherings, social fundraisers—you name it, I’d been to it. Over the years I had managed to scale down my social calendar to a need-to-only list of events. Basically, birthday parties, weddings, and Gwen and Richard’s anniversary party were all that occupied space on my calendar during the previous eight years.

Quinn rubbed his chin.
“
Hmm … whoever then will I take with me to see the holiday shows at Radio City Music Hall and The Metropolitan Opera House? Or
A Christmas Story
at Madison Square Gardens, or
The Nutcracker
at Hammerstein Ballroom, or The New York Pops at Isaac Stern Auditorium. Or Andrea Bocelli at Barclays Center? Gosh it’s such late notice, but I’m sure I can scrounge a date somewhere.
”

“
You do not seriously have tickets to all those shows?
”
I asked, squinting with equal parts disbelief and excited anticipation.

He shrugged his shoulders and sipped his drink.
“
What can I say? When I make very generous donations I receive the best seats to the best shows.
”

Struggling to hold back my incredibly goofy yet jubilant smile, I casually replied,
“
I suppose I could forego PJs and cocoa for a few evenings—
”

“
Nope, no way … I will not have you sacrificing your holiday plans for mine,
”
he goaded.

Grabbing his mug and setting it by mine, I crawled onto his lap and straddled his legs. I kissed him with ardent fervor then bit his lower lip.
“
I see what you’re doing. You want me to beg, don’t you?
”

Pleasure danced in his eyes and his answer was obvious.

“
That’s fine, I’ll beg now, but if I do … I promise you’ll be the one begging later,
”
I whispered, inches from his lips, while I wiggled my hips over his growing arousal.

His whole face lit up, like I knew it would. Quinn was a competitor and never backed down from a challenge. My words were more of a playful threat, but he of course interpreted them as a challenge.

He had one response.
“
Beg me.
”

Game. On!

I put on my best whiny
“
Quinny
”
voice and showered him with compliments and gratitude for offering to take me to such wonderful shows. He reached the top of his pedestal and agreed to take me just seconds before I nearly vomited from the sound of my own pathetic voice. Then, like the sly devil he was, he threw in that his corporate holiday party was in two days as well.

Peachy!

The ball was officially in my court, which meant I had a headache and was too tired or
“
under the weather
”
for sex over the next couple of days.

*

By Saturday Quinn was on edge, but he’d have rather jabbed an icepick through his eye than admit it. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t gone a few days without sex before. When my monthly friend arrived, we took a break for the first two days. I would mope around all grumpy, wearing baggy clothes that said
“
stay the hell away,
”
but usually by the third day my mood was better and he made a good case for shower sex that I rarely could refuse. Going without sex, however, was completely different for him when I wasn’t having my period and I wasn’t wearing the equivalent of a potato sack. It was quite the opposite. I wore my tightest pants and shirts, the ones that showed the most cleavage, and that was just during the day. At night I dug out my sexiest lingerie, most of which either hadn’t been worn or only worn once. Ironically, Quinn was also the cleanest guy in Manhattan by the weekend, having taken numerous cold showers throughout each evening. I took no pity on him because he was the king of his own palace, the controller of his own destiny. He could have had his way with me at any time, all he had to do was––beg me.

His holiday party wasn’t until later that night. He spent extra time working out that morning. I didn’t see him until well after lunch. When he arrived home he shot me a quick smile before heading upstairs.

“
Where you going, babe?
”
I called out.

“
Shower,
”
was all he said without stopping.

I had an appointment scheduled at an organic spa and salon later that afternoon to get my hair and makeup done, as well as a mani and pedi. However, I
did
need a shower before leaving. Smiling to myself, I ran up the stairs, nearly tripping, and stripped off my clothes. When I entered the huge shower Quinn paused.

“
Get out.
”

“
I can’t, sweetie. I need to get a quick shower before I head to the salon,
”
I said in a fake-innocent voice while fluttering my eyes lashes.

“
Well, there are two other bathrooms,
”
he blurted out, trying to stop me with his words.

Moving closer, I brushed in front of him allowing my nipples to graze against his chest as I reached for my shampoo.
“
I know, but all my stuff is in here,
”
I replied, licking the water from my lips as I rolled my eyes up to meet his.