Relentless (18 page)

"Would you like to say goodbye to your friend before I throw him down the mountain for the vultures?"

A loud sob escaped her as she stared at the head, its sightless eyes half open and mouth stretched in a silent scream.

"No?” Assoud continued. “Then I wish you pleasant dreams. I'll be back again tomorrow for whichever one of you draws the short straw."

As she stared, the victim's lifeless eyes opened and fixed on hers. Navy blue. The face melted into another's, the one she'd been dreaming of for so long.

Rhys's eyes gazed back at her from within that madman's grip. “Neveah."

She jerked awake with a strangled gasp.
Shit!

Watching her, Rhys came up on one elbow beside her. “All right?”

No. “Yep.” She threw her legs over the side of the bed and bolted for the bathroom. Locking the door behind her, she hit the lights and laid her palms on the cool granite countertop at the sink and let her chin fall to her chest. God, she hadn't had that dream since right after coming back from Afghanistan, and never with Rhys in it.

She raised her head to look at her reflection in the mirror above the oval under mounted sink. Her face was white as the fluffy towels on the chrome rack next to the shower and she was shaking so hard her knees wobbled.

She closed her eyes and took a slow breath to calm her nervous system. But no, the nausea gripped her belly with a powerful twist, sending her to her knees before the toilet. This was way too damn familiar now. Mylohyoids and digastrics tightening beneath her jaw. Sublingual and parotid glands flooding her mouth with unwanted saliva.

She fought it, desperately thinking of something else— anything else— to take her mind off it. Bracing her elbows on the rim of the toilet seat, she buried her clammy forehead in her trembling hands and debated shoving a finger down her throat just to get it over with.

After a few minutes she was reasonably sure the threat of throwing up was over, so she crawled over to the door and snagged the hotel robe from a peg on the back. She wrapped it around her shivering body. Resting against the edge of the tub, she laid her head back and took some deep, calming breaths.

“Nev?” Rhys called from beyond the door. “You okay?”

“I'm good. Be out in a minute.” Thankfully he let her be. When she'd collected herself, she rose and went to the sink to run the water. The aftermath routine helped center her even more. Cold water on the face and the back of the neck. The bracing tingle of her mint toothpaste. The cool flow of water down her parched throat.

Setting the glass tumbler on the vanity with a soft clink, she took a hand towel from the rack and patted her face and neck dry, then used the facecloth to swab between her breasts, under her arms and between her legs where she was still sticky from earlier. She met her weary eyes in the mirror.

It's over, Nev. There was nothing you could have done. Time to get on with your life.

The one waiting for her right outside the bathroom in the luxury king-size bed. So resolved, she opened the bathroom door ready to face Rhys.

He'd turned on the bedside lamp and sat propped up against the headboard, naked chest and abdomen exposed above the snowy white sheets. His eyes held hers, no doubt scrutinizing every detail of her appearance and gauging how he should approach her. “Flashback?”

“Yeah.” She scratched the side of her neck and crossed to the bed. “I'm okay, though.” Last thing she wanted was to seem weak in front of a man who saw things like she had on a daily basis in his job. How the hell did he cope with it? She thought about asking him. A tip or two would be welcome right now.

When she came close enough, Rhys lifted an arm and she slid into his side with a sigh. He tucked her in tight so her cheek nestled in the hollow of his shoulder and kissed her forehead. His long fingers ran through her hair. Heaven, she thought, breathing in his clean, musky fragrance. He was the best cure she could think of for nightmares.

The way he held her soothed her on so many levels. It made biological sense because his arms were around her back and her front was pressed against his chest. All her vital organs were covered and surrounded by him. Her body knew it on an instinctive level, just as her brain and heart understood she was safe in his embrace.

Rhys's other hand sought out her left one, resting on the hard slab of his pec. He laced their fingers together, never stopping that heavenly motion on her hair.

“Would it help if you talked about it?”

She tensed.

“No pressure. Just wanted you to know the offer was there.”

If she could talk to anyone about her ordeal other than Sam and her shrink, it was Rhys. He'd seen where they'd held her. He knew what had happened to the other hostages. And his job in the Unit had probably exposed him to things even more horrific than what she'd lived through.

Maybe she should tell him. She trusted him. And she could tell him without having to make eye contact, which was probably why he'd asked her after she'd lain down on him. He'd known it would be easier for her. Rhys didn't do things by accident.

She swallowed. “If you don't mind.”

“I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't meant it.”

In as little time as she could manage, she outlined the dream. “I haven't had this one in a long time,” she finished, rubbing a hand over her tired eyes. “Usually they're about you. I never get to you in time to save you.”

His big hand moved gently over her back. “You had a really hard time over there. It's no surprise your subconscious can't let it go.”

At least he was there to hold her this time. Every other time she'd had nightmares she'd woken alone to face her deepest fears by herself.

Trailing her fingers over his chest, she gathered her thoughts. “Do you ever have nightmares?”

A subtle tension filled him. “Sometimes.”

“About things you've seen?”

His chest expanded as he drew in a deep breath, then he released it. “And done.”

She waited while the silence stretched out, but he didn't elaborate and she wasn't going to push him. Rhys leaned over and switched off the lamp.

Disappointed he hadn't opened up but not all that surprised, Nev curled up closer. “Anything help?”

“Time,” he said, turning his lips into her hair. “In time they'll fade.”

He sounded so sure of that. “I hope so.”

“They will. It's just hell while they're still fresh.”

The wistful note in those words made her look up into his shadowed face. He stared up at the ceiling, a million miles away though she was pressed flush against him. “You can tell me if you want to,” she told him. “You can trust me never to repeat it.”

He glanced down and met her eyes, an almost startled smile on his lips.

“What?”

“I've never talked to anyone about it. Not even Ben.”

Was he going to tell her? “Well the offer stands. If you ever want to tell me, I'm here. I tell you mine, you tell me yours. Free therapy.”

Rhys surprised her by rolling her on top of him with her thighs bracketing his, and wrapped his arms around her back. The pressure was at once fierce and protective, yet still gentle. It turned her inside out.

There was such pain inside him. A lingering grief from his childhood coupled with whatever he was thinking about now.

“You're such a sweetheart,” he murmured against the crown of her head.

“I care about you.”

He took another of those slow breaths, as though considering whether to tell her. “I'd tell you, but... ”

“But what?”

He shook his head slightly. “I don't want it to change how you see me.”

She closed her eyes against the ache beneath her ribs. Whatever he was hiding, the story was ugly enough that he was afraid he would lose her. She so desperately wanted to give him comfort. “I promise to listen and not judge. It won't change how I see you.” It was all she could say to reassure him.

A few minutes passed. Just when she was sure he wasn't going to say anything else, he finally spoke. “There was an op,” he began, fingers sifting through her hair again. “Three years ago now, in the Balkans. When I was fairly new to the unit.”

Neveah kept her cheek pressed against his chest and listened closely to the words. She knew how hard it was for Rhys to reveal this part of himself to her, just like she also knew how much he must trust her in order to do it.

His voice seemed deeper than usual. “It was a targeted hit. Know what I'm saying?”

She nodded, afraid to speak in case it broke his rhythm. An assassination, he meant. From reading her books, she already knew Delta operators performed missions like that.

“He was an ex-soldier turned Mafia arms dealer, and stirred up enough trouble that the CIA put out a contract on him.” Rhys's fingers paused in their soothing motion. “We were briefed and given a file, and my spotter and I went out.”

Nev stayed where she was, determined not to tense up or do anything to make him stop, though she dreaded what he was going to say.

“I'd never done a hit like that before. Not on someone that wasn't a direct threat to me or my men.” He seemed to gather himself, his muscles growing tighter beneath her. “He was with his family when it happened. At a resort with his wife and kids. They didn't see it, but I'm sure they found his body.”

Nev bit her lip, glad he couldn't see her face. Those poor children.

“I did it with one clean shot, then packed up and walked away just like I was leaving the office after a day's work. I went back to the barracks and slept right through the night.”

She tried to imagine it, but couldn't.

“The next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and found a stranger staring back at me.”

Oh, Rhys...

“I didn't feel anything, and not because I was in shock or denial or any of that. I'd just carried out an execution for the government and it didn't bother me at all.” He gave a tired sigh. “How's that for a revelation? I really was the cold, remote shell people thought I was.”

“Don't say that,” Nev argued, unable to hold back. “If you really had no conscience it wouldn't have bothered you enough to think about it afterward. You did your job because you'd been trained to do it. Last time I checked, the military doesn't ask for your permission when they give an order.” She came up on an elbow and turned his face toward her with her palm. He dropped his gaze, as though ashamed of what he'd just admitted. “You're not a monster, Rhys, and you're not a remote shell of a man. I'm living proof of that.”

The muscles in his beautiful square jaw tensed.

“Know how I know?” She waited until he met her eyes. “By the way you look at me and the way you touch me.” Lifting one of his hands, she laid her palm against his. “Look how big you are compared to me. Yet you've always been gentle. You came back to hold my hand when I asked for you in Afghanistan, and you kept holding it at the rendezvous point. You're not dead inside, Rhys, you're afraid to let people in. The wall you've put up to protect yourself is not the true reflection of the man you are inside. Don't ever confuse the two.”

Rhys rolled into her, pressing his face into her neck. “God... I don't deserve you.”

“Why the hell not?”

He chuckled at her show of temper. “I'm not... easy to get close to.”

“Only because you make it that way.”

A long beat passed. “Sure you're not afraid of me now?”

“Positive.” She only wished she could help absolve him of the guilt he so obviously carried, but that was between him and his maker. “I wish you could see who you really are.”

“But that part of me is still in there.”

“We all have light and dark in us, Rhys. All of us.” She knew he was afraid of losing control of that part of himself. “You saw that in me when you came in for the extraction.” She would have killed the next person coming through the door to hurt her or Mike, or would have died trying. It still shook her to know she had that capacity in her. “What's important is how strong the light is.”

“You're my light, Nev.”

His quiet words shocked her, and she froze for an instant. Then she smiled, though he couldn't see her. “See? If your soul was dead you wouldn't say sweet things like that.”

A low laugh rumbled through his chest, vibrating against her skin. He tugged her down so that she was cradled in his arms again and kissed her temple. “What's something you've always wanted to do but never had the chance?”

Surprised by the abrupt change in subject, it took her a moment to decide. Life was so precious to her now. There were so many things she wanted to see and do, to accomplish before she died. “I want to travel more. Maybe climb Kilimanjaro.”

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Seriously?”

“Yep. Always wanted to. What about you?”

He stayed quiet for a moment. “I want to travel more too. As a civilian. Climbing Kili sounds like fun, though.” His hand resumed stroking her hair. “I doubt I'll ever be able to make it back to the Unit with my brain injury and all, but I'm definitely up for that trip. Want to go with me sometime?”

Her eyes widened. That was pretty long term planning for someone who didn't do relationships.
Don't read anything into it. He's just talking out loud
. “I'd go anywhere with you.”

Rhys focused on her as her words sank in. “You would?”

“Absolutely. That's how safe I feel with you.”

“I'm glad.” A slow smile spread across his face. “Ready to sleep now?”

She nudged the erection prodding her stomach with her hip. “Are you?”

“Just ignore it and it'll go away.”

“What if I don't want to ignore it?”

He squeezed her hip to make her stay still. “Just lie here with me and get some sleep. Long day ahead of you tomorrow.” His low words came with him draping one leg over hers.

Neveah had so many things she wanted to say to him. Instead, she stroked his short hair and kneaded the back of his neck, reveling in his growls of enjoyment. For now, having him relaxed and trusting in her arms was going to have to be enough.