Remember (44 page)

“The pathways activated by the two brain systems have a small number of cross-connections. Cross connections: the locs at which similar associations occur. That should be enough.” Claire paces across the trail when finished.

Confident much?
“How do you explain the results of removing the brain stem on dreams? The subjects stopped dreaming after the removal.”

Claire runs by me, pulls me along by the arm, and leads me through the forest with my hand on the smallest part of her back, talking all the while. “You
are trying
to trick me. I just happen to know that research. Dreaming didn’t actually stop. It nearly stopped. The tests show the brain stem mainly contributes to dreaming intensity.”

A rapid clicking of bicycle chains fills my ears.
“That also matches a loss of random signals from the brain stem. Just the autonomic functions were outsourced into a neural implant.”

Claire turns around and points at something on the trail. “This leads nowhere in the initial question. We agree on the physical origin, but not the purpose.”

My gaze follows her finger to a caravan of bicycles zooming by at over 50 kph. “If it is just a communication device, why does the body go into paralysis?”

Claire follows me near the forest edge. “Dreams are intrinsically without consequences. The paralysis is an extension of that. The brain can test out future possibilities and responses to those events in the mind.”

We re-enter the trail, and a lone peddler swerves around us, almost side swiping me. “I don’t have anything more to add.” We stand across from each other in the middle of the trail.

She shakes her head back and forth. “I don’t either.”

I widen my stance. “Let’s move on to the meaningless signals sent by the brain stem as the origination of dreams.”

Claire does too. “You suggest dreams are just meaningless signals. Then why is the brain more open to suggestion during dreaming?”

Easy one.
“The signals of dreaming are wimpy compared to the background signaling. The brain needs to be in a suggestible state to pick up these signals and understand them.”

An empathetic nod. “Why even try to interpret these signals?”

Got me on that one.
“There must be some reason.”

“Huh-huh. And you don’t know that reason.”

I shuffle in one foot that slips on a stray fallen leaf. “If dreams mean something, why are they forgotten?”

Claire crosses her arms and clutches her chin with one hand. "Think about it like this. You are talking to someone. You aren’t going to remember what they said unless you can understand it. The same thing with dreams, you have to understand what the unconscious says. It needs to make some sense. Until that happens, there is no point in saving it.”

I inch closer and face the direction we were going. “That almost answers my question.”

She wrinkles her nose. “We aren’t going to reach an agreement anytime soon. We should talk about this later. We can both come up with more to say.”

“That sounds good.”

Claire nearly won with that question about why the conscious mind interprets dreams. If it was just nonsensical signaling, the conscious mind should just ignore it. Other than that every statement either of us made was dismissed.

We jogged for some time before reaching Pike Street, which we stayed on. The street goes up to this old relic of a building. It is one of the tall buildings in Mountain Overlook with ten or so near duplicates dispersed around the city. Its stone base extends about 5 stories high. The building takes on a tripod shape here. Each of the three square towers gently slope towards the axis and meet. The magnificent sun gleams back from the mirror-like surface of the building. Towering trees and low slung buildings almost work to obscure the sight of it from anywhere outside its circular go-around. From the upper levels of the Institute, it just looks like a lonely tower. The most obvious thing is it just towers above almost everything else in the city. We look down the straight street and see the stony plinth it stands on from a few blocks away.

Something bothered me up until now. What was Claire doing sitting with that cup in her office?
“What were you doing in your office today?”

Claire keeps jogging without changing pace from the start. “Do you mean when you asked me about jogging today?”

I nod even though the com shouldn't translate it. “Yes.”

“I was testing you and me. I wanted to see how much patience you have, and I was trying to resist temptations.” She said it like it was normal.

I just go along with it.
“Did either one of us pass?”

A wider smile, a palatable grin. “We both did. There is always room for improvement.”

Reality reasserts itself.
“What’s with the tests?”

“I was just having fun with you by keeping you waiting. I like to find my limits. Not just my preconceived or estimated limits, but my end all limit. I do this by pushing each limit as far as possible.” Straight faced for maybe the first time today.

Tough.
“All I can say is why, meekly.
Whhyy?
”

“I just like doing it. I had the most delicious drink in my hands. It can somehow know exactly what I want at any moment. When I take a sip, well it's some tech thing that I don't read too much into. That was the temptation today.” The smile returns as well.

Anathema.
“It just sounds like you’re torturing yourself. I would never want to do something like that.”

“If you just alter your perception, you will see something new."

Get ready for more screwy logic.

"All life is suffering. You are on an unquenchable, unending, grueling search for pleasure. That is a form of suffering in itself. When you find this momentary pleasure, you dread losing it. This search and short enjoyment period continue until the end of your life.” Claire up adjusts her glasses.

Buddhism as my tech suggests with some key info.
“You’re going to tell me the only escape is to lead a simple life without any possessions, aren’t you?”

Claire laughs with subtlety. “That is but
one
choice. I would suggest just starting a journey to your own unique destination. My goal is to increase my definition of suffering to such a level that I can’t easily experience it.”

Wow, again.
“How are you going to do that?”
But why, the oh so important why.

Claire's eyes light up, not that I can see her eyes. “Well, meditation and yoga are my starting points. They are supposed to lead you to some conclusions. I believe at that point, I’ll know what to do next.”

Disbelief, incredulity, and a little jealousy make their peace.
“I don’t think it is going to work.”

She shrugs or shakes off my affront to something deep, long-held, extremely close to her true self or possible true self. “I’ll give you an example. I used to wonder what finding your center means. My journey gave me my answers. You can find an emotional place where you feel how you want to. My place is just a little on the happy side of no emotion. That is my center.”

Why is this so hard for me? Oh, yeah, I need to test, peer-review, accredit, and understand it first.
“What you’re saying isn’t possible.”

Claire puts on a gleeful and near mischievous smile. “The best way to find out is just trying the first step.”

“I’m game.”
I imagine Claire plotting and rubbing her hands together. Add an up-light for dramatic shadows and effect.

Claire jogs a bit faster. “Good, we can find a place for you to try it.”

Wed 8/30/17 6:04 p.m.

W
e near the tower of a structure, which gets even bigger as we approach and begin rounding it. The sun hides behind the leg we walk by. I must have just been immersed in our conversation that its approach didn't register much. The circular plinth shows row upon row of windows cuddling a collection of massive doors. Above that the glassy sides look the same up to the triangular apex of the tower. A paved ring marches around the whole thing. Long ago laid down, crumbled and eroded by the elements, perturbed with intrusions of growth trimmed down, and yellowed — still remaining to this day. The extremely wide path goes all the way to the next building, forcing us on it. Something feels familiar, but what I cannot say.

What Claire says about suffering all the time defies truth in every way, simply impossible. And the thought that everyone suffers looking for pleasure. I admit I'm not happy all the time, but it's just boring to feel the same way constantly. Even if it is possible, I wouldn’t want to do it. When I’m happy, I don’t think about finding happiness again. It just happens or it doesn’t. I don’t search for it. I can try it. It can’t hurt, much.

The temptation angle whirs my thinking gears. Something I should know eludes me. What causes addiction? As a neuroscientist, it enters my territory. I can just feel the info right in front of me — a unified theory of what causes addiction. What is it? I decade to ask Claire under the pretense of testing her knowledge. I don’t have a good chance to get any new info. Looking up something and understanding it are two completely different things. I can try it anyway. “Could you refresh my memory of something? The unified theory on chemical addition”

Claire misses a step, but keeps going. “Yes.”

Good.
“What is it?”

“Conor, are you feeling all right?”

I nod to that.

“This is stuff you should know
intimately
. I’ll go along with your little game,
for now
. Physical dependence can be created by an external chemical that mimics the effects of any endogenous neurochemical.”

Why is she going along?
“Can you give me an example?”

Claire purses her lips. “How about the consumption of nicotine?”

“Sounds good.”

Throat clearing. “Nicotine imitates the function of acetylcholine. It does this because nicotine binds with equal affinity to nicotinic acetylcholine receptors. These receptors are located where neurons meet muscles. Additionally, identical receptors in the brain are affected even more. This can lead to the release of dopamine. A frequent consumer of nicotine associates the consumption with pleasure.”

That sounds familiar, at least.
“What causes the addiction in this case?”

Claire takes a while, jogging out of habit. “The nicotinic acetylcholine receptors become desensitized to acetylcholine and nicotine. The presence of both is now required for activation of the receptors. The body becomes acclimated to this new level as normal for acetylcholine and dopamine. Anything below this level is now unacceptable for normal function. ”

Do I really need more? I've come this far, why not.
“What happens when the intake of nicotine is stopped?”

Claire looks to the top of the tower. “The level of chemicals that can activate the said receptor drops below the new set level. It is now much harder to function. The primary symptoms result from a lower dopamine level and chemicals that can activate nicotinic acetylcholine receptors. The symptoms include a lower functioning state and dissatisfaction.”

“What ends these symptoms?”
I will the knowledge into existence, but get nothing.

She makes a fist and releases it multiple times. “The body adjusts to the new set levels of dopamine and acetylcholine like chemicals. This can be less difficult with treatment and support.”

I push through her growing impatience. “Could you give me another example?”

Claire stares at me. “I know you like it when I talk, but this is the last example. Opioids. The external chemicals replicate the function and go beyond that of endogenous opioids, some would argue.”

I remember now.
“You mean like dynorphins and endorphins?”

She smiles through this factual death march I've put her on. “
Yes.
The biggest cause of addiction is opioids stimulating the release of dopamine. As you should know, I’m talking about you. Dopamines are the brain’s reward mechanism for doing beneficial activities. It can come from social status or even eating. Endogenous opioids are used for more than just pain relief.”

“What are some complications of excessive opioid use?” I push myself ahead of Claire, but it hurts.

Claire shakes her head and speeds up. “As with everything else, an increased dose is needed to overcome a tolerance to the drug.”

I miss a step and slow down. “Is there anything else just for opioids?”

She nods enthusiastically. “You mean hyperalgesia? That is increased sensitivity to pain. As you should know, the body has the ability to compensate for reduced stimulus. If a sense becomes impaired, the body becomes hyper-aware to that sense. This also occurs with the sensing of pain.”

A good conclusion should work well here.
“Besides that it follows the same pattern as nicotine addiction.”

She slows after a good lead and just walks. The com keeps her audible. “Good, you are starting to recover from your loss of mental function. Now, we can do something fun. You can try meditating. Don’t worry. I’ll guide you through it.”

Claire takes off running. I mean flat-out as I pass her. She goes over the hill ahead and disappears, still fresh after so much time and distance. All I can manage is to keep jogging. I slowly catch up, hoping for nothing more than a brutally sore tomorrow. Alcohol addiction activates a similar dopamine pathway in the brain — something I should know before asking Claire. Why don’t I?

I reach the top of the hill, where the buildings stop. Claire sits on a bench near the trans-corridor, just outside the vine railing dividing the corridor and the natural landscape. Claire just looks off to the distance as I go and sit next to her.

Claire turns to me out of social contract. “Are you ready to start?”

I move a pebble out from under my foot. “Yes, Claire. Just tell me what to do.”

“You have to cross your feet. Something like this.” Claire removes her shoes, crosses her feet by putting each foot over the opposing knee. Her feet fold tightly together, looking painful.