Remember (7 page)

Whatever he was thinking, Kari wasn’t willing to guess. There was no point in getting into a deep conversation with Ryan. He was too far away, and she was still sorting through the ashes of her life. Besides, every thought of Ryan made her sick with guilt, as though she were betraying Tim and their marriage and everything they’d shared together.

Whenever Ryan called, she was careful to keep things on an informational level. Updates about Jessie, talk about training camp, that kind of thing.

“So,” she asked casually, “what’s up?”

Ryan uttered a tired sigh. “Meetings, meetings, and more meetings.”

Kari laughed. “Ready for camp, huh?”

“Two weeks and counting. We open July 26, and everyone should be there. No holdouts. Preseason begins a month later at New England.” He chuckled. “Between managing the personalities on the team and juggling the depth chart, I’ll barely have time to coach.”

“You’ll do great.” The laughter remained in Kari’s voice, but more because it was what Ryan expected. The truth was, she found his impending heavy schedule a little frightening. Though she wanted to be independent, to make a life for herself and Jessie, Kari had to admit she looked forward to Ryan’s calls. She liked the way he asked about Jessie, checking on her milestones and celebrating when she smiled or slept through the night. Talking to him was different from talking to her family about those things.

But with the season starting, he wouldn’t have time to call—or certainly not as often as before. It was another reason why she had tried not to depend on him since Tim’s death. Ryan had his own life in New York. Anything could happen once he began traveling with the team and coaching games. He could lose track of her or meet someone else and fall in love.

Kari couldn’t blame him if he did. She hadn’t given him any reason to hang on.

Ryan broke the silence. “So how’s Jessie?” Kari could hear the smile in his voice.

“Beautiful. Growing like a weed.”

“Letting her mother get any sleep?”

“Of course not. We have diaper duty at midnight, hunger pangs at three in the morning, and meaningful discussions at five.” Kari sank deeper into the pillows. She was more tired than she’d realized. “Sleep is a thing of the past.”

“You know what I wish?” Ryan’s voice grew softer. He paused for a moment. “I wish I were there to help. Take the midnight-to-five shift, just once in a while.”

Ryan’s tone was so clear, so real, he might as well have been sitting beside her. “That’s nice. But we’re okay.”

“Really, Kari?” His tone was velvet. “Are you?”

“Yes.” She sat up. “Jessie and I need this time together. Figuring out where we go from here, you know? Working through the memories.”

“Are you modeling much?”

“A few days a month.” Kari stood, cradling the phone on her shoulder as she walked over to the window. The evening summer sunshine washed over her face. She’d modeled since graduating from high school, and in the past few years she’d done a lot of catalog work, but when her marriage fell apart, she’d taken time off. Now that Jessie was sleeping through the night, she was gradually getting back into it. Tim’s insurance money wouldn’t last forever, and she needed the income. But it wasn’t fun like before, and Kari understood why. Tim’s death had created a void in her life that modeling jobs didn’t fill. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll do it.”

“How come?”

“Life’s too short. I want my time away from Jessie to count for more than pretty pictures.”

They were quiet for a moment. She leaned on the windowsill and gazed at the old farms in the distance. She never tired of this view, the trees behind her parents’ house bursting with summertime.

Kari bit her lip. She wanted to ask Ryan what he was doing, how he was spending his free time. But she couldn’t. It would hurt too much to hear he was dating, to know he’d moved on since their time together last fall.

Of course, it would also hurt to know he was waiting for her, as he’d done so often before. Because a part of her heart—the part that was capable of love and relationship and togetherness—had been numb since Tim was killed. There was no telling when it might thaw—or if it ever would.

Kari watched two bluebirds dancing in midair outside the window. “So, you’re about to be crazy busy.”

“I’m crazy busy now.”

“True. Meetings and, you know, whatever else.” Again Kari resisted the urge to ask questions.

When she was silent, Ryan spoke, reading her heart as easily as he had always been able to do. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” She knew her answer was too quick. “I’m glad you’re busy. That’s all.”

“Kari . . .” He released a quiet laugh. “Just come out and ask me.”

She tried to sound indignant. “Ask you what?”

“Okay, fine. Don’t ask.” Once more she could feel his smile, see the sparkle in his eyes despite their distance. “I’m not seeing anyone, okay? Is that what you’re thinking?”

Kari whirled around and flopped down on the bed once more. “Ryan Taylor, that is not what I was thinking.”

The teasing faded from his voice. “Really?”

“Really.” She closed her eyes briefly. Lying never was easy for her, but she had no choice now. Wherever her wandering thoughts had taken her, she had not been a willing passenger. It wasn’t fair to let Ryan know she wondered what he was doing in his spare moments. Not when she was still grieving Tim’s death, still thinking her heart was permanently broken.

“Okay.” His tone was tinged with disappointment. “But just for the record, I’m not dating anyone.”

Kari stared at the pockmarked bulletin board near the door, the one where teenage pictures of her and Ryan once hung so many years ago. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“I know.” He drew a slow breath. “I wanted to.”

They were moving into dangerous territory, and Kari fought back a wave of anxiety. Now was not the time to fan the fires of all she’d ever felt for Ryan Taylor. Hers was a life taken up completely with mothering and learning to live without her husband. She could not possibly see what lay beyond this lonely season. Not yet, anyway.

Hearing the emotion in Ryan’s voice only confused her, made her desperate for his presence, his arms around her.

His kiss.

And that made her feel like a wicked, unfaithful woman who would cheat on a husband dead not even six months.

“Hey.” She massaged her eyebrows with her thumb and forefinger. “Thanks for calling.” She hesitated. “I’ll understand if I don’t hear from you for a while. Once camp starts, you’ll be too busy to eat.” Kari ached from missing him, hating herself for betraying the memory of Tim.

“I might be too busy to eat.” He waited a moment. “But as long as I’m breathing, I’ll find time to call.”

A sense of relief filled her soul before she could stop it. “Okay.” She let loose a soft bit of laughter. “You know where to find me.”

When they hung up, Kari stood and gripped the windowsill again, staring out at the clear blue sky. Was she crazy? Her conversation with Ryan had been seeped in deeper meaning and innuendo. Here she was, trapped in the pain of losing Tim and convinced that grieving his loss was something she needed to do alone. Yet she couldn’t go a day without thinking of Ryan Taylor.

She drew a slow breath and narrowed her eyes, willing herself to focus on God’s presence, to hear his voice above the roar of emotions battling for position in her heart.
Lord, all of this confusion could have been avoided if only you had let Tim live.
Sadness came over her like a bad cold. Jessie would never know him, never hold his hand, never run into his arms.
It’s so unfair, God.

Her knees grew weak, but almost at the same time she felt herself standing straighter, being held up by invisible hands.

I am with you, daughter. Even now. I know the plans I have for you.

The voice was quiet, a mere whispering in her soul. But the words were familiar; they had sustained her throughout the past year. And Kari was sure they were true. God was with her; he had great plans for her. But what about Tim? Why hadn’t God been with him when he went to that woman’s apartment? If God had kept Tim safe, she wouldn’t be here wondering about Ryan, dreaming of when she might see him again and feeling guilty for every moment of it.

Kari opened her mouth. The near silent words that came out were soaked in pain. “You could have saved him, Lord.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “We were . . . we were supposed to be a family.”

A Scripture verse came back to her, one that had been on a dozen sympathy cards she’d received after Tim’s death, one that seemed to appear in sermons and devotions at least once a week since then.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

They were words she had heard all her life, but they had seemed empty and trite after Tim’s murder. What good could come from losing her husband—and just months after the two of them had survived the greatest test of their marriage? What good was there in watching a little girl grow up without her father?

As hard as the past five months had been, she had recovered at least enough to believe that things would get better. Somehow . . . someday. What was it her mother had said? Beauty from ashes. Yes, that was it. God would honor the truths laid out in the Bible, truths that Kari believed completely, even if they didn’t seem to make sense. But still, her belief didn’t ease the pain of daily living, the uncertainty of what tomorrow held.

No, she didn’t struggle with
whether
God would deliver on his promise to make something beautiful out of the shattered remains of her life.

She struggled with
when.

Chapter Seven

Ashley was never nervous.

But as she made her way through the hospital lobby and up the elevator to the third floor, she could barely keep her hands from shaking. It was time to talk to Landon, time to find out what was eating at him and why weeds of tension had shot up between them these past few days. Time to find out if what she guessed was true.

The dinner party at her parents’ house had been hard to leave. Conversations about Erin’s move had blended into talk about Luke and Reagan, which had led to more discussion about the blood bank at St. Anne’s Hospital. Apparently it was lower than it had been in a decade, and Brooke, the oldest of the five of them, was willing to take up the cause.

Ashley leaned hard against the elevator wall. Of course Brooke was willing. She was a doctor, after all—she and Peter both. By spearheading a blood drive, they would make the mighty John Baxter happy. They would be in tight, following in his footsteps, deserving his praise. Even if they didn’t go to church or believe in God.

Normally at a family gathering, Ashley would have been anxious to leave. But tonight she had taken it all in, studying the people who made up her family, wondering why she didn’t fit in, why she wasn’t like them. Before she left, the conversation had turned to Alzheimer’s. She told them Lu’s advice about keeping the patients in the here and now.

But Brooke had disagreed. “That works sometimes, but doctors today are talking more about distraction. That’s the preferred treatment now.”

“Distraction?” Ashley had been ready to leave, but if Brooke knew something that could help her at work, she was interested.

“Yes.” Brooke nodded, then added in her official doctor voice, “The moment an Alzheimer’s patient veers off the course of reasonable normalcy, distract them. Change the subject, introduce an idea or an activity, anything to deter them from their delusion.”

The idea sounded better than arguing with the old folks. “Why can’t I just agree with them, let them think their husbands are alive or that they’re visiting for a few hours instead of confined to a home for sick people?”

“That would never work.” Brooke’s laugh made Ashley feel stupid. “It’d be like pouring gasoline on the flames of dementia.”

The memory faded, and Ashley crossed her arms.

If anyone should be leaving town, she should. Certainly no one would be broken up about that the way they were by Erin and Sam’s leaving. That was something else. Ashley had actually felt sad at her sister’s announcement. She would miss seeing Erin once a week at the family dinners. Erin had always been the quietest Baxter, the simplest and the plainest. But Erin was genuine as a summer sunset, her smile enough to light the room. Ashley had visited her kindergarten classroom a few times and been amazed at the handmade decorations on every wall, the attention to detail in the learning environment her sweet sister had created for her students.

Erin was a stabilizing force, really. She looked like their mother, acted like her, and had the same calm demeanor. Erin’s life—even when she was younger—had never been anything but normal and good. At least it had always seemed that way. Erin’s presence in their lives was something Ashley had always taken for granted.

The same way she’d taken Landon Blake for granted.

Ashley closed her eyes for a moment. Maybe she was wrong about him. Maybe he wasn’t upset by her lack of emotion. Maybe he’d fallen in love with someone else or had plans he wasn’t willing to share—that could be the reason he was acting so stiffly toward her. Whatever it was, Ashley knew she couldn’t wait any longer to find out.

She exited the elevator and nodded to the nurse on duty. They all knew her by now—Dr. Baxter’s daughter, the one who couldn’t stay away from the injured firefighter. Ashley was sure the nurses had created a marvelous love story in their minds, marrying the two of them off before Christmas.

That was fine. People could believe what they wanted to. She and Landon knew the truth. Despite their history, and despite the attraction they felt for each other, a romance between them would never work. It couldn’t. They were simply too different. Regardless of how things looked to her family and friends or even to the nurses at St. Anne’s Hospital.

Ashley walked down the hall and turned into room 312. Landon was sitting gingerly in bed, keeping his weight off the bandages that covered his burns, staring at the television monitor anchored near the ceiling. A baseball game played silently on the screen.