Remember My Name (17 page)

‘You’re probably right!’ I shouted over my shoulder, as I wandered back into the main room, relieved to have escaped without doing any more damage to myself other than making a little dent in my own self-respect.

The noise levels were high—a backdrop of thumping music, and the huge, thrumming hum of hundreds of people trying to make themselves heard above it—and the lights were low. My hands were still trembling, and I felt like I might keel over if I didn’t get something decent to eat or drink very soon. Then everyone would take photos of me lying on the floor—probably with my boobs hanging out, despite what Neale promised—and assume I’d taken the drugs anyway. Huh. Life wasn’t fair sometimes.

I blinked against the strobe lighting and tried to pick out my family. I’d loosely arranged to meet them near a fire escape after the show—my mum was a bit freaked out by the number of people crammed into the club, and had insisted on standing
by the emergency door ‘just in case’, which was such a
Mum
thing to say.

After a few seconds, I spotted them, and started to make my way across the room in their direction, politely excuse me-ing all the way. A few people tried to stop me to chat, but I was deffo getting better at the smooth and diplomatic brush off, I discovered.

By the time I reached them, I wanted nothing more than to dash out of the fire escape myself—and maybe take them all back to Yusuf’s for a delicious kebab together. We still had another couple of weeks paid up on the rent, and he’d love it if I just turned up with the whole family in tow. I couldn’t quite believe I was daydreaming about going back to my grotty flat when I had my brand new gorgeous one these days. Maybe it was just human nature to always want what you didn’t have.

My dad, massively tall and bald as an egg, was easy to find—and at least he’d got rid of the new shirts and ties for this one. He was wearing his favourite Eagles T-shirt, which he probably thought of as cutting-edge rock, and Mum was in her one and only little black dress. It was from Matalan, and she’d got a discount because my aunt worked there, but she still looked great. Becky had somehow found a stool, which she was presumably sitting on—though it was hard to tell, as her arse was now so big, her whole body was draped around her chair, and it looked a bit like she was floating. There was a plate on her lap and the remains of some tasty looking snacks that made me drool.

Luke was leaning back against the wall, gazing out at the crowds in utter amazement. I tried to see it through the eyes of a
horny teenaged boy: a whole room crammed full of the famous, the semi-famous, and the hundred per cent glamorous. There was more toned female flesh on show here than at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show, and the poor lad looked completely dazzled by it. He’d probably taken about a million selfies already, and would be the envy of all his mates. Hah, I thought as I walked in their direction, at least I was good for something.

As I approached them, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned round with my fake ‘thanks-but-no-thanks’ smile at the ready. Instead, I realised I didn’t need it—and there was nothing fake about the smile that immediately cracked open my whole face when I saw who it was.

‘Daniel! ‘I said, throwing myself into his arms, snuggling into his chest, and wondering if he’d mind if I fell asleep there. I felt his hands on my back, slightly tentative, as though he wasn’t quite sure where to put them, and grinned into his T-shirt. He might be tall, fair, and handsome these days, but he still got nervous around girls, bless him.

I pulled away, and stood on tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. I left a big red lippie mark, which I decided kind of suited him.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked. ‘Not that I’m not pleased to see you!’

‘Well, I was invited, duh! You told me about it, and Jack asked me as well.’

‘I know I told you, but you didn’t say you were coming, so I assumed you were busy producing or recording or milking your prize dairy cows or whatever it is you people do in the countryside.’

‘I do have a cow, actually,’ he said, grinning at me, hair flopping over his forehead. ‘She’s called Ruby. Something about her enormous backside just reminded me of her …’

‘Oh, that’s mean,’ I replied, biting back a giggle. I really, really needed to contact Ruby—I should have invited her to the launch, I should. We’d been through so much together, and she must feel like I’d brushed her off. It wasn’t intentional—everything had just piled up on me, and even having my parents down had been a strain. Talking of which …

‘Come and see my lot—they’ll be made up that you’re here. They’ll probably be happier to see you than me, the way things have been going.’

Daniel glanced over, and smiled as he saw the Malone gang.

‘Look at your dad … can’t believe he’s still wearing that Eagles top after all these years. Bit tighter round the beer belly though. They don’t look very relaxed, apart from Luke—have you been having problems?’

‘Oh, I don’t know … not really. It’s all just, well, a bit crazy. My life has changed so much even I don’t recognise it myself, and theirs hasn’t changed at all—other than being here, at an event like this, surrounded by people they just don’t feel comfy with. I’ve not had much time to spend with them—you
know
how busy this world is—and … I just want them to be proud of me.’

Even I noticed how pathetic those last few words sounded, and I squeezed my eyelids shut tight as I felt tears stinging their way out. I’d been working so hard, for them as much as for me, and now I was finally on the verge of success, I felt more distant from them than ever. I’d always been so very
close to my family, they’d always been my anchors, and now I didn’t feel like we were even on the same planet. It made me feel a bit disorientated, cut loose, as if I was floating around in outer space.

Daniel reached out and stroked my hair—which was a mistake, as it was frozen solid with spray. He laughed when he realised, and wiped his fingers on his jeans.

‘I do know, Jessy. I’ve been working in this business for a while now, and that’s one of the reasons I keep such a low profile, and prefer to spend time with the dairy cows on the farm than here in London. The pace of life was too fast; the relationships were too fake—it’s hard to keep your feet steady when the world’s rushing around you like a flash-forward scene in a movie. It’s hard for people who haven’t lived it to understand—but I do know how much they love you. And I do know how proud they will be—you were brilliant tonight, absolutely amazing. So forgive them if they don’t get your new life, or if they seem a bit off, or if they feel clingy—and never doubt that they’re proud of you. That, Jess, would just be deliberately daft.’

‘Yeah. That makes sense. Is this a new thing, Daniel, or have you always been the voice of reason?’

‘Always,’ he said, putting his arm over my shoulders and leading me towards my family. ‘You were just too deliberately daft to listen before now.’

My dad started waving as soon as he noticed us, and Becky looked as though she was considering standing up, but then thought better of it. Luke, who didn’t remember Daniel as well as the rest of us, gave him a polite nod before turning
his attention back to a barely-dressed reality-TV-show star who was gyrating away on the dancefloor. Mum, I noticed, had immediately clocked on to the fact that Daniel had his arm around me, and gave me a sly smile.

‘Bloody hell, lad,’ said Dad, shaking Daniel’s hand so hard I thought he might pull his arm off. ‘Where’s all that weight gone? You used to be a right porker, and now you look like a bloody male model!’

I cringed inside, even though Dad was only saying what I’d been thinking since I saw Daniel again. My mum poked him in the ribs, and Becky was staring at my old pal with undisguised amazement. I’d told her what he looked like now, but seeing really was believing.

‘I discovered exercise, Mr Malone,’ replied Daniel, apparently not at all bothered by the conversation—he’d probably expected nothing less from a bunch of gobshite Scousers he knew and loved. ‘And I moved out of my parents’ house, so I wasn’t always getting a fry up for breakfast. That definitely helped.’

‘Well, you look wonderful,’ answered my mum, leaning in for a kiss and leaving another lipstick mark on the other side of his poor face. ‘What do you think of our Jessy, then, Daniel? Wasn’t she amazing?’

‘I always thought she was amazing, Mrs M, you know that—but tonight was perfect. I’m sure she’s going to be a huge star, and do you all proud.’

I felt a warm and fuzzy sensation begin to build up inside me, and realised again how lucky I was and that maybe it was going to be all right after all. Of course my parents loved
me. Of course they were proud of me. We were just hitting a few bumps in the road because everything was moving so fast—and we
would
get through it. It would all settle down, once we all adapted. Nothing was so broken we couldn’t fix it.

I don’t think I’d realised how stressed out about them I’d been until then. For some bizarre reason, I’d been subconsciously worried that choosing my career would mean leaving them behind—but just then, hearing my mum’s words and seeing my dad’s proud grin, all those worries floated away. My family were proud of me, my oldest friend in the world was by my side, and I’d just been featured on a single that was likely to be a huge international hit. I shouldn’t be worrying—I should be feeling frigging fantastic.

Relieved as I was, my body was still exhausted and felt like quitting on me. Seeing Daniel had given me a momentary boost, but I still couldn’t stop my hands from trembling, and I felt unsteady on my stupidly high heels. I felt myself sway and wobble, and leaned in to Daniel for support. Part of my brain registered how very nice and firm his body felt next to mine, and part of it started to crackle and fuzz like an old radio.

I was so tired my eyes were blurring. I needed to sit down, get some food, and rest. If I didn’t, I had the sneaking suspicion that I was going to throw a whitey, without even having had the drugs.

‘Are you all right, hon?’ my dad asked immediately, stepping forward to hold my shoulders and stare at my face. Whatever he saw there didn’t seem to please him a great deal, and I watched his expression change from pride and pleasure to something like horror.

‘You’ve not taken anything, have you, love?’ he asked, and I felt my mum’s gaze sharpen in response.

‘No!’ I said, a bit too loudly. ‘Of course I haven’t!’

‘Just tell me if you have,’ Dad said, not at all bothered by the fact that I was annoyed with him, ‘because I can see that most of the tossers in this place have. You don’t drive a cab round Liverpool on a Saturday night for as many years as me without knowing the signs.’

I shook him off, stood up straight, and prayed I stayed upright. The anger helped. Anger not just with him for doubting me, but with myself—because only a few minutes ago I had been tempted. I had almost given in. But, well, like a good girl, in the end, I’d Just Said No. That had been hard, and now my reward was getting quizzed by my own Doubting Thomas of a father. The first words out of his mouth hadn’t been about how proud he was, but to ask me if I was drugged up.

‘I. Am. Not. On. Drugs. But I might as well be, for all the good saying no seems to do! I’m just knackered Dad—knackered and now a bit disappointed. I need to … go. I need some food. I need some air. I need a break …’

I don’t think I’ve ever managed a good storming off before—I’m the sort of person who trips over their own feet as they try, or walks into a lamp post—but I must admit I managed it that time. I turned my back on my own family and stormed back into the mass of bodies and the hive of noise and the swell of strangers. I didn’t really know where I was going, and I didn’t really care—something inside me had snapped.

Maybe it was seeing Daniel, and believing his little pep talk. Maybe it was the contrast between my short-lived hope
that everything was going to be all right and realising just how tired and stressed I was. I couldn’t do it any more—stand there with them, pretending everything was great, when it really wasn’t great at all.

‘Jess!’ said Daniel, grabbing hold of my shoulder as I strode away. I whirled around to face him, and realised that I’d lost the battle against the tears. The anger had finally pushed them over the edge, and I swiped at my own face, irritated with my own weakness.

‘
What
?’ I snapped, unfairly. None of this was his fault—Daniel had never been anything but a force for good in my life—and I immediately regretted my waspish tone.

‘Sorry!’ I said, straight away, reaching out and patting his arm in apology. ‘Nothing to do with you—I’m just sick of it. I’m working my backside off, and I’m finally on the verge of making all my dreams come true. But I’m so tired I just snapped. It wasn’t about what my dad said about the drugs. It’s just they’re always nagging me about visiting and phoning, and nothing I do seems to be enough. I’ve worked for this—I deserve it, Daniel! I’m doing it as much for them as me, and they’re treating me like a naughty little girl who needs to fall into line!’

‘I know. It’s hard. But Jess—to them, you are still a little girl. And they’re worried about you. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t say those things. They’re more concerned with you as a person than you as a cash cow and—believe me—you’ll see some vile things in this business, and eventually, you’ll realise how lucky you are that your family don’t care how much money you make.’

I let out a huge breath, and stayed silent for a moment, letting his words sink in and trying to calm myself down.

‘Yeah. Okay. I know you’re probably right—you usually are. And maybe we can get through all of this. But right now? I just can’t do it any more. I need to get away from here. Just … tell them I’m leaving, will you? Tell them I’m all right, but I’m leaving, and I’ll speak to them tomorrow.’

He nodded, and I stretched up to kiss him goodbye. On the lips this time, as we’d run out of places to leave make-up marks. An unexpected tingle surged through me as I did it, and the contact lasted longer than I’d planned. I felt his hands on the small of my back, pulling me closer, and for a second I wondered what the hell was about to happen, but just as quickly he broke away, running his fingers through his hair and looking slightly flustered.