Remember My Name (29 page)

His arm sneaks across the
gap between us and takes hold of my wrist. Turning onto his side, he pulls me
with him, draping my arm across his chest. Drawing us close together, I hold
him, just like he held me last night.

Is it weird that we’re doing
this? To any outsider, it might look really fucked up. But it’s not, and I
can’t explain why. It’s like after so many years apart, we’re starving for a
closeness that no one else can provide. It’s the same sort of thing when
someone wraps their arms around themselves trying to find comfort in a time of
need. Except when we do that, it doesn’t really help unless someone else is
tucked into those arms too. We’re different people, but we’re also the same.

Then I realize I don’t
really care what anyone would think of this. Like so many things that we share,
it doesn’t matter if it makes sense to anyone else. What Benny and I have isn’t
something that can be explained or reasoned with or judged. Our connection is
visible, and it’s invisible. And it’s exasperating, and it’s amazing, and it’s
sometimes painful, but it has always been ours alone.

Jackson

Broken.
The word never meant as much as it does now. It encapsulates and quantifies and
defines how I feel. Shattered pieces that I can’t fit back together, no matter
how hard I try. Yesterday I held it together, because Benny needed my help to
get us here. I can’t do it anymore, though. Benny still needs me to be strong,
but I can barely hold myself up. How can I possibly be there for him?

I set the phone down on the
table. My father’s voice echoes crystal clear in my mind.
Only a coward
would have left like that.
His words now hurt more than all the times he
raised a hand against me.
Just up and left, like your mom did.
Or
ignored me.
She should have taken you, not Ben.
Or forced me to split a
fifth of whiskey with him. My eyes close, willing the world to wink out of
existence right along with my vision.

“What’s wrong?” Benny sounds
tired, even though we both slept over eight hours.

Without opening my eyes, I
push the phone across the table in his direction. “Dad left a voicemail,” I say
quietly.

I hear a soft scrape of
plastic on wood as he picks up the phone. I don’t move, nor do I make any
effort to bring back the image of the room around me. Finally the sound of the
phone being set back on the table indicates that Benny has heard everything.
All the worst things that could possibly be said to someone.

He wraps his arms around me,
involuntarily including the back of the wooden chair I’m sitting in. “Oh my
God, Jacks, I’m so sorry,” he whispers, his voice close. “I don’t even know
what to say. I don’t understand how he can be so horrible to you. And it was my
idea to leave anyway.” He bites his lip, his eyes rising to touch mine. “You’re
not a coward… and definitely none of that other stuff he said.”

I sigh, finally looking at
my brother. “It’s not your fault. This was building for years.”

“You can stay here for the
summer, so don’t worry about that.” He rests a hand on my shoulder and kneels
beside me. “We’re going to figure everything out. I promise.”

I nod. It’s the best I can
give him right now. I got him here, but now it’s his turn to take over.

*     *     *    
*

“What is
that
?” The
massive silver sedan parked in the underground lot is, well, massive.

Despite everything, Benny
grins as he pushes a button on the key fob and the taillights flash once. “It’s
an Infiniti M56. The new model came out in March, and I convinced Mom to get
one.”

I raise my eyebrows. “You’re
serious?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
He shrugs and opens the door. “She needs a nice car for work.”

I get in across from him and
sink into the luxurious leather. “This is
way
more than a nice car. This
is–” I don’t finish, because I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

He taps the engine start
button and a rumble of understated power emanates from under the hood. Backing
up, he slowly pilots us out of the underground parking garage and onto the
street. Once we’re outside, he guns it and I’m thrown back in my seat.
Holy
hell, Benny
. I’ve never ridden passenger with him before, but he clearly
enjoys driving.

“Damn, dude,” I snap as we
careen – tires screeching – through a ninety-degree turn at nearly
thirty miles per hour.

“What?” He aims a look in my
direction and tosses me back into the seat again. My stomach starts to gurgle.
No one drives like this back in Northfield, and I’m pretty darn sure that not
very many people around here do either.

“How fast is this thing?”

“Not sure,” he says. “It’s
governed at bit over one fifty, though.”

“I hope you had to look that
up.”

He gives me an unreadable
look as he pulls onto the freeway and mashes me into the seat again.

*     *     *    
*

Thanks to Benny’s driving,
we get to the grocery store in less than ten minutes. The kitchen was barren,
but if Mom really hasn’t been home for almost two months, it makes sense.

As we walk up and down the
aisles and Benny throws stuff in the cart, I try to remember how long it’s been
since I’ve seen Mom. What will it be like? Will she look way older, or just a
little more weathered? If she asks how I’ve been, do I tell her the truth?

“This way, Jacks,” Benny
calls from several feet back.

My head snaps to his voice.
He took a left at the last junction but I kept going straight. I jog back to
him, not wanting to be responsible for any delay to breakfast. “Sorry,” I
mutter.

“Don’t worry,” he says.

“Worry about what?”

“Seeing Mom again.”

I manage a weak smile. Good
old Benny.

We’re back in the car and
heading home when my stomach really starts to protest. Thanks to Benny’s
recklessness, we make even better time on the way back.

Leaning against the wall, I
wait while he opens the door to the condo. Before he even has it all the way
open, he freezes in place. “Mom,” he says.

A brief pause follows. Then
a woman’s voice, resonating with notes of deep familiarity. “Oh my goodness,
Ben, it’s you.”

Two rushed footsteps, and
then silence. The door hangs open, just as the plastic grocery bags do from my
hands. Shifting away from the wall, I stand back enough so they can’t see me.

Eventually my brother speaks
again. “I’ve missed you.” The longing in his voice makes me worried. Now that
he’s home, will I get sent back to Minnesota?

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I kept
hoping I would finish sooner. How did you end up back here?”

“It’s a long story, but
actually, there’s something more important than that right now.”

“Oh?” she asks, curious.
“What’s that?”

“Someone else is here to see
you.” My heart thuds. “Jacks, come on.”

Like always, I do as Benny
wants. He’s standing just beside our mom. She does look older, and weathered
too. But she’s still beautiful. Her hair is long and blond, the same color as
Benny’s and mine. When she smiles at me, the years fall away and I’m staring at
the same woman who picked me up from elementary school and took me to swimming
lessons all those times.

I don’t mean to cry,
especially since it’s the first time she’s seen me in so long, but I can’t help
it as I close the distance between us. She holds open her arms and I fall into
them. Her embrace is warm and it feels like home in a way I never thought I
would feel again. Her grip around me not loosening a single bit, she says,
“Jackson, oh, Jackson. I have missed you so much.” Her breath is hot in my
hair. The tears keep coming.

Amidst this, another hand
comes to a rest on the middle of my back. “You’re safe now, Jacks,” Benny says.

Mom shifts to look at him,
but she doesn’t release me from the hug. What secret looks must they be
exchanging right now? With a sigh, I push the worry out of my mind. Benny will
tell her about everything eventually. For the moment, though, I want to savor
feeling exactly the way my brother described –
safe.

Jackson

Movement nearby nudges me
out of my slumber. Not wanting to open my eyes quite yet, I pull the covers
closer and roll onto my side. It’s been a week. A quiet, relaxing, restorative
week. At least as far as my sleep is concerned.

Benny and I have slept in
his bed every night since we arrived in L.A., even though a guest bedroom is
just across the hall. We haven’t fallen asleep in each other’s arms since those
two nights, but I’m not ashamed of it or anything. We just haven’t felt the
need, I guess.

Mom accepted the sleeping
arrangements without any question. She did, however, have quite a few questions
about what went down at our dad’s place. Benny assured me that she would stick
by us no matter what we told her, but I asked him to let me pick the time to
come out. He insisted that she wouldn’t care, and I believe him, but I just
want this time to not be about that. Especially after what happened with Matt,
I don’t know if I’m ready to even think about that part of my life.

I don’t know how long it’s
going to last, what we have going on here. It’s understood all around that I
can’t return to Northfield and live with our dad anymore, and I doubt that Mom
would let me go back even if I wanted to – which I absolutely do not.
Even the thought of it makes me feel empty inside.

After what happened, Mom
took off the rest of the month before she returns to work, so she’s been
spending a lot of time with us. It feels good not to be working all the time,
but more than that, it feels good to spend time with her and Benny. In a way,
it almost seems like we’re a family again, albeit one with big underlying
issues. Not least of all because the last few days Mom has been treating me
like I’m a highly breakable object. Benny must have told her more than what we
all discussed that first day. It pisses me off that he did that, but he did it
because he cares about me, so whatever.

“Morning, Jacks,” Benny says
over a yawn. His arms stretch above his head, his knuckles whacking the wall as
he arches his back.

“Morning.”

“I hope you’re excited for
the day. I have something special planned.”

Special, huh?
“Oh really?”

“Yeah, really.” He sits up,
eyeing my chest.

I look up at him. “What?”

Instead of answering, he
traces a line down my neck. I’m not sure what he’s doing until he hooks his
finger under my necklace. Gently tugging on it, he rotates the chain around my
neck until the ring appears from beneath the covers. “You always wore this?”

An uncomfortable heat
spreads in my chest and my face. I never feel embarrassment when I’m with
Benny, so why now? Pushing past the emotion, I admit, “I never took it off.”

“Why not?”

Sitting up beside him so our
arms are touching, I tell him the truth, even though it makes me feel stupid.
“I was afraid if I lost the ring, that I’d lose you too. It was the reassurance
I always had that you’d come back. Without it…” I don’t want to finish the
thought.

For the thousandth time, a
shard of agitation slices into me.
What if Benny hadn’t come to live with me
this summer?
Everything would have just continued along, the same as it had
always been. And it would have been completely my fault that Benny and I never
reconnected before we went away to college. Colleges across the country from
one another. I suppress the thought, because I don’t want our impending
separation to contaminate the rest of our time together.

Benny shifts, the fine hairs
on his arm grazing against mine, but he stays silent. A feeling reverberates
across the invisible connection between us, and I get the impression that he’s
thinking along the same lines. Can he honestly reassure me that if it weren’t
for this summer, that we would have eventually found each other again and
rebuilt our relationship? I don’t think he can, and that scares him just as
much as it does me.

We were given a chance at
becoming brothers again, but what now? Sure, we’ll see each other on breaks and
holidays, but otherwise? Bitterness dances around the inside of my mouth. I
don’t want to leave him.

*     *     *    
*

Benny and I have just
demolished two cheeseburgers and fries. Each. Damn it feels good to pig out
with my brother again. Benny stifles a burp and rubs his belly. Yeah, he’s
satisfied too. Being a guy under twenty with a high metabolism has to be one of
the best things in the world.

The waitress thought we were
joking when we ordered. Then she asked if she should bring out extra plates for
friends coming to join us. Shit like that makes us feel a little guilty, but we
love stuffing our faces too much to care. We might not eat for a day. We
certainly won’t
need
to, but Mom will probably cook tonight.
If we’re
lucky.
I grin to myself. My mirror image catches my eye and grins back.

Mom wanted to come with us,
but the moment she suggested it, we both gave her the same look, the one that
said this was time we needed to ourselves. Benny drove us to a burger joint that
he claimed was the “best in town” and conveniently near the ocean. Near enough
that now when he suggests we walk to the beach, I’m not entirely opposed. More
than a few blocks though, and my stomach will get angry. It’s still trying to
organize right now.

One of the best things about
having Benny is that it’s not awkward if we don’t talk. If something is on our
minds, we’ll discuss it. And if there’s nothing, we’re just as content to spend
the time together in silence.

So it doesn’t feel strange
that we haven’t spoken since leaving the restaurant. With the sun bright
overhead, we plop down onto the sand, propping ourselves up with our arms
behind us.

“I really love living here,”
he says.

“It’s nice. Way too many
people, though. Every-fricking-where. But you’ll be in San Francisco when you
go to Stanford.”

“San Francisco is good too,”
he says. Something is off about his tone.

I shuffle through the
various things that could be bothering him. “Have you talked to Katie since you
left?”

“Nah. It was pretty much
over after the Fourth of July.”

“Really? I thought you guys
were hitting it off pretty well. What happened?” Guilt clings to my words. If
I’d paid any attention to him at all in the last month, I would already know
the answer.

Thankfully he doesn’t sound upset.
“She was mad that I didn’t make her enough of a priority.”

“Why didn’t you? It’s summer
and you even worked together, what the heck were you doing instead?” It seems
odd to be casting judgment on Benny’s relationship with her, especially after
everything that happened with Matt, but that’s what brothers are for, right?

When he doesn’t answer right
away, I worry that I might have offended him. Finally he speaks, his voice
soft, “She needed my time, and you needed my time. You got it, she didn’t.”

I swallow quickly and take a
deep breath, focusing instead on the waves crashing onto the beach,
transforming the smooth blue water into white chaos. Something about the vast
and endless makes me uncomfortable. After living so long in a place where the
land rolls on without ending, being so close to all that water is unsettling.

“I think,” Benny starts
again cautiously, his voice snapping me back to our conversation. “I think I
don’t want us to split up again.”

I glance away, concentrating
on the heat of the sun on the bridge of my nose. Apparently he’s been thinking
about that just like I have, except now he’s doing it out loud. I turn back to
him and toss a handful of sand at his feet. “Don’t talk like that,” I snap. “I
don’t want us to split up either, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”

A touch on my shoulder
brings my eyes to his. “I’m not going to let you go again,” he says, his tone
coated with the steely armor of conviction.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m going to decline the
offer at Stanford. I’ll go to school in Minneapolis with you.”

“Then you’d be an idiot.” I
wish I could prevent my voice from seething with regret. I want him to go to
his dream school, not be held back by me. But I also don’t want to let him go.

He nods. “Then I’m going to
be an idiot.” The certainty in his gaze leaves no doubt that he’s serious.

“You talk to Mom about
this?”

“She doesn’t like the idea
of passing up on Stanford, but she knows it’s my choice.”

“I see.” I want to jump up
and hug him and scream for joy. And I want to tell him he’s being stupid. I
don’t do either of those things. I’m caught somewhere between apprehension that
he’s going to change his mind, and guilt that I’m not trying to convince him to
do exactly that.

“You don’t sound excited.”
He bites his lip. “Do you not want me around after this summer?”

It occurs to me that I could
lie to him now and he would go to Stanford like he’s supposed to. But against
his insecurity, his vulnerability, I have no choice but to tell him the truth.
“Goddamn, Benny, how could you think that? I never want you to leave again. I
love you more than anything in the world, and I don’t want to be away from you.
Ever.”

A thin line of liquid
glistens along his lower eyelids, catching the sun’s light. “Then what is it?”

“I don’t want you to give up
your dream just because of me.”

He shakes his head. “Now
who’s the idiot? Between you and Stanford, it’s not even a choice. You’d win
every time.” His voice growing quiet, he admits, “Between you and
anything
,
you’d win every time.”

I smile, and a heaviness I
didn’t even know was there lifts off my entire body. I would feel ten pounds
lighter, but I just devoured like five pounds of burgers and fries, so maybe
five pounds lighter is more accurate.

“So what now?” I ask.

“We start over,” he says. “Just
you and me.”