Remember The Moon (16 page)

Jeez, Liz. Kind of ad-libbing here a bit, don’t you think?

“Yes, Calder's therapist wants to put him on meds,” Maya said.

Don’t do it, Lenie.

“Your son is young?”

“Yes, my son Calder just turned eight.”

“OK. He talks to your son, is sort of his protector.”

Protector. I guess that’s true. I am his protector. I kind of like that.

I concentrated on the image of Calder drumming. I wanted to make sure that Maya understood how important drumming was to Calder in his healing process. Maybe she would see drumming as an alternative to meds.

“Does your son play the drums?”

“Yes! Yes, he does!”

“Good. Thank you. He’s acknowledging that. He wants Calder to keep playing. It’s important to him. He just wants you to know that.”

“OK. I’ll make sure he does.”

And the meds...don’t forget to tell her not to put Calder on meds.
“Nightgown. Why is he showing me a nightgown? Did he buy you a nightgown before he left this world?”

“I wasn’t even thinking of a nightgown. Why did she say a nightgown?”

“Maybe she connected meds with patient and patient with nightgown. Mediums can pick up thoughts sometimes even when you might not be thinking them. They can also pick up subconscious thoughts from their subjects because most mediums are also psychic. But not all psychics are mediums.”

“Really? So are psychics frauds then? Do they just read people’s minds?”

“No. Mediums are just more tuned into the thoughts of the deceased while psychics are more tuned into the living. This woman seems to be fairly balanced between the two.”

“He did give me a nightie for Christmas last year,” Maya said, patting the velvet pillow like a kitten.

“OK. Yes. Thank you. This is his way of letting you know that he has come to see you. His concern right now is that you acknowledge his presence in your life because his concern is that you will not be able to be there for Calder.”

I don’t know what made me think just then of the flowers on the table at dinner that night at the
pensione
in Italy. White roses. I knew she would remember them, and if Liz mentioned them, Maya would know for certain that it was me.

“You have a garden? What is the rose he is showing me?

Do you have roses in the garden?”

“I have a small garden. With a really lame rose bush.”

“OK. Well, he’s acknowledging that. He wants to show you it’s really him.”

“Damn! I tried to show her the rose in Italy! Not the stupid rose bush!”

“Calm down, Jay,” Alice said.

“This is frustrating!”

“I know. It requires patience.”

“There is something about a rose in the garden that means something to you and your son. He wants you to believe it’s really him. Something about the rose and the nightgown.

He’s not giving me much more than that.”

What do you need?

What are you like, Jay? Give me a sense of what you were like when you were alive. Something your wife might understand. I need to tune in and get connected to you more. You have to trust me.

OK. Well, we had a fight the night before I died. I was an asshole. Please tell her how sorry I am.

Liz did another hyper-breath and opened her eyes to look again at Maya.

“He’s telling me he was an ‘asshole’. That’s the word he is using.”

Maya laughed out loud. “That sounds like him,” she said.

Alice giggled.

“Now why is that funny?”

“Hey, you said it! You need to stop swearing so much, Jay,” Alice said. “It’s going to interfere with the purity of your communication.”

“Well, it made her laugh. She definitely knows it’s me.” I felt oddly elated.

Got anything else for me, Jay?

I didn’t let Maya know I loved her often enough.

“He really loved you, and didn’t say this as often as he should have. I think your anger at his death comes more from that than his actual loss. The loss of what wasn’t completely expressed, what wasn’t completely acknowledged between the two of you.”

Maya nodded, more tears dripping onto the pillow in her lap. Liz leaned over and handed her a tissue.

“I know this is hard to hear. It’s hard to take all this in emotionally.”

Maya took the tissue and dabbed her eyes, leaning forward now, trying to regain control of the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks. “I guess I am angry. Angry that he had to go and die on us.”

Suddenly I glimpsed Maya with another man. Marcus. The thought was devastating.

“Is Maya going to marry again?” I asked Alice, who said nothing. She began to annoy me. “Is she going to marry Marcus? Why can’t you just tell me straight up?”

“Because that’s for you to remember.”

“Remember? God, if it’s Marc... ugh! I can’t think it!”

“He’s telling me that you’re going to find new love. Or maybe it’s old love? Does that make sense?”

“I am? Old love? What do you mean?” Maya looked wide-eyed.

“Does the name Mark mean anything to you?”

Maya looked at Liz in surprise. “Marc? I’m going to be with Marc again? That’s ridiculous! He’s an old boyfriend.”

“He’s more than an old boyfriend. Did you have an affair with this man while you were married to Jay?”

Maya swallowed. Tears dipped onto her lap. To my shock, she nodded.

You had an affair with Marcus Pellegrino?

I’m sorry, Jay.

Why didn’t you tell me?

I couldn’t tell you. And you never seemed to notice. You were never around. I was lonely. It was stupid. I’m so sorry, Jay.

My thoughts were spinning. Was this why Maya was unable to let me go? She held onto me through guilt?

I had come in late that night. Maya, still up, sat at the counter wearing her bathrobe, her hair disheveled as she drank a glass of wine. I was exhausted. I poured myself a glass of scotch. Maya said nothing, but watched me as I moved around the kitchen.

“What?” I said, feeling her eyes on me.

“Nothing.”

“You knew I would be late tonight.”

“Yes. You told me.”

“Then why are you looking at me so strangely?”

“I’m not.”

“You look like a cat who’s just eaten a bird,” I said, pulling a glass from the cupboard. “Did you ding the car or something?”

“No! That’s ridiculous.”

I sat down next to her. I smelled something sweet on her.

“You smell nice,” I said.

She looked momentarily horrified. “I do?”

“Yeah, like flowers or something.”

“Must be my new hand cream,” she said, quickly getting up. “I’m going to bed.” She left her half-full glass of wine on the counter.

“K. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Maya went upstairs and I sat in the kitchen finishing my scotch, trying to figure out what had been so strange about the conversation. She seemed different somehow. Defensive. Like she was hiding something. I finished my last gulp and headed to bed, the encounter forgotten.

Oh my God, Maya! You had sex with Marcus that night? Did you do it in our house?

“I’m sorry, Jay.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

How could I not have noticed that my own wife was having an affair?

“You were busy,” Maya said.

I
was
busy! I worked hard for you and Calder!

“He’s saying he had to make sacrifices,” Liz interjected. “You came home late most nights. I was lonely,” Maya said, sniffing. Liz leaned over and handed her a tissue.

I guess that’s true. But that’s no excuse for an affair! You broke our vows.

“I’m getting a lot of sadness and despair from him,” Liz said.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. Marcus visited Seattle from Vancouver for a few days on business. We reconnected online and so I agreed to see him one night, have a drink at his hotel. It seemed harmless. But then he told me how much I took his breath away. It had been so long since anyone had told me how beautiful I looked.”

He had no right!

“We had a few drinks and then when I put on my coat to leave, he just grabbed my hand and I followed him to his room. I felt so guilty afterwards. I unfriended him on Facebook. I wouldn’t answer his emails.”

Was that the end of it?

“I didn’t mean for it to continue. He came to Seattle a few months later and called on our home phone, begging to see me. It was during one of your business trips. To me, he was exciting, Jay. He took me to a nice restaurant, and then to his hotel room. I didn’t know what I was doing. It was like putting on an old shirt, familiar and comfortable. It didn’t seem wrong somehow.”

Oh Maya.

“You’ve been holding your guilt about this with you for a long time,” Liz said quietly.

“Yes.”

“Your affair must be why I picked up a Mark. Did Jay know about your affair?”

“I don’t think so, no. I’m so sorry, Jay.”

Nice way to find out. Thanks, Maya. I never imagined you would cheat on me.

Tears slid silently down Maya's cheeks.

“He says you’re going to find new love,” Liz said.

No, I didn’t! Maya, that’s not what I said. I don’t want you to find new love! I’m angry. I can’t believe you cheated on me and didn’t tell me. And with Marcus Pellegrino of all people!

“Don’t you want her to find love again, Jay?” Alice’s watery blue eyes seemed to leak empathy, or pity. Either way it annoyed me.

“No, I don’t. She doesn’t deserve it! She cheated!”

“Perhaps you didn’t give her much of a choice.”

“She had a choice not to cheat on her husband.”

“Just as you had a choice to love her and show her your love.”

“I did love her! Maybe I wasn’t a perfect husband. Maybe I was distant or distracted. Who knows? But I didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”

“No you didn’t, Jay. But Maya was lonely. You were preoccupied.”

“I worked hard for my family. Maybe I could never really love her the way she needed to be loved. Maybe she always loved Marcus.”

“But she married you, Jay. She loved you,” Alice smiled sweetly at me.

“Maybe. But I can’t stand the thought of her finding love with Marc. The guy is a sleaze ball. He’ll hurt her all over again.”

“Is there no possibility that he might love Maya too?”

“No! And I just realized that if I keep thinking of Marcus, Liz is going to pick that up! I’ve gotta think of someone else.” The first person to pop into my head was Sean Connery as 007.

“Jay says I’m going to find new love? He’s telling you that? He’s not mad?” Maya asked as she folded her tissue over and over.

“All I can tell you is that he’s showing me someone tall.

Maybe a little older. Very handsome. Wearing a suit or maybe a tux. Maybe you meet him at some sort of function. Are you going to an art opening or fundraiser anytime soon?”

“In a few months I’m having a small showing of some of my paintings in Vancouver.”

“That must be it then. Be on the lookout for someone tall and handsome. He may have an accent and I think his name sounds like Shawn. Don? John? Something like that.”

Maya unfolded the tissue and blew her nose into it. “Wow. Now I’m going to be even more nervous at my reception than I would’ve been,” she said. “So, he’s not mad about Marcus?”

I’m furious.

“I guess not, if he’s showing me your new love.”

I’m showing you James Bond.

“This romance will be ‘heaven sent’!”

It will most certainly not be heaven sent!

“Oh god, I’m not sure I’m ready. The reception’s in May. Barely three months after the one year anniversary of Jay’s death.”

“You’ll be ready. That’s what he’s telling me.”

No I’m not. And she’s not going to be meeting Sean Connery either.
I had to get Sean’s image out of my head. I thought of Calder instead.

“And he wants you to know he’s proud of the job you’re doing with your son. He knows how difficult it is.”

“Does he? I can’t imagine how he would’ve coped if it had been me who died that day. I bet he’d be remarried by now.” Maya sounded angry when she said this.

“I’ve noticed that widowers are often quicker to marry than widows,” Liz said. “But it’s not because they haven’t been in loving marriages. It’s because they grieve differently than women. Men tend to get busy after losing a spouse, where women are less afraid of their emotions and so grieve more outwardly.”

“I guess that makes sense. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so angry.”

“It’s normal.”

“I think it’s the guilt I feel, knowing I had an affair with Marcus just a few months before Jay died. I feel like it’s holding me back from being able to really grieve properly.”

“You can’t keep holding onto your guilt, Maya,” Liz said. “You are going to have to find a way to forgive yourself.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to do that. It was a stupid mistake. I was in love with Marcus a long time ago, before I met Jay.”

Are you still in love with him?

“That does make it more complicated,” Liz said. “But I think it’s possible to ask Jay’s forgiveness.”

How can I forgive that?

“Jay, this is another moment where you must learn to release your human emotions. Anger, hurt, jealousy – all the emotions you’re feeling – are unnecessary here,” Alice reminded me.

“But”

“Just try to let go. You are a spirit now.”

With her words came an ethereal sound, a musical expression of my emotions – symphony-like sounds that began quietly and built to a crescendo of anger within me, becoming louder and faster before finally crashing like a wave against a rock, leaving me dazed and yet strangely cleansed. Those sounds eventually became hollow, like the notes on a wooden xylophone, before settling into a series of bell tones lulling me into a quieter mood until they just echoed in the silence.

Does she still love Marc?

“She might,” Alice said.

Maya sat quietly wiping tears from her face. She looked up at Liz. “I’m glad you came. This has been incredibly emotional for me, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. I hadn’t been willing to admit my affair to even myself before now. And now I feel like I’ve confessed to Jay. I hope he can forgive me.”