Remember the Time (39 page)

She smiles at Paul’s choice of words, and answers, “Never. Come on in.”

The door opens and there is a moment of stunned silence. Then Mike swiftly turns around, saying, “Christ, Kate! Is that your idea of decent?” And Kate grabs for her robe, saying, “God, Mike! I thought you were Paul!”

As Kate belts the robe into place, she giggles. “From the look on your face, I guess this has the desired effect.”

Mike makes a strangled noise
.

“You can turn around now.” She grins as his reddened face comes into view. “I’m sorry, Mike. I really did think you were Paul. What the hell are you doing here, anyway?”

“Excuse me while I catch my breath.”

“Oh, come on, Mike. It isn’t anything you haven’t already seen in those
Playboy
s you and Paul keep hidden in that tower room.”

“How did you know about those?”

She laughs. “Good guess, huh? Now, why are you here?”

“I just wanted to say good-bye.”

Her smile softens. “You look so sad.”

“I’ll miss you. And Paul.”

“We’ll come back here in the winter. Maybe you can come out to see us in San Francisco. That’d be fun, having you as my architectural tour guide.” Kate puts her arms around his waist and hugs him closely. “Who do I feel like there’s something else you want to say?” She can feel his chest expand as he takes a deep breath
.

“Ever wonder what ‘best man’ really means, Kate?”

“Nope, but I know you were a gorgeous one.”

He pushes her away and she smiles at him. Mike reaches out to stroke her cheek. “I can’t believe you’re a married lady now. I hope you’ll be happy.”

Before she can thank him, Paul’s shout from downstairs interrupts her
.

“Hey! You’re holding up the honeymoon!”

Kate cocks her head and gives him a little shrug. “Gotta go, Mike. My husband awaits.”

He nods and turns toward the door, but he is suddenly holding her again, and he says, “I just feel like nothing will ever be the same again.”

“Mike. Sweetheart. You’re scaring me. Of course things’ll be the same. You’ll always be my best friend.” Now she is pushing him away. “Go on. Tell Paul I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Take care of yourself, darlin’.”

Kate watches his retreating back for a moment. Smiling to herself she thinks
, Things won’t be the same … they’ll be better.

Kate stood and moved to the tower window. Sheryl’s car was gone. She absently fingered the chain and watched as Mike came out his back door. He stopped to look at her house then raised his head. Shading his eyes with one hand, he peered up at the place where she stood. Kate smiled wistfully. He knew her so well. Had they really made love last night? Would
they
ever be the same?

Mike let his hand drop and headed for his truck. Kate took one last look around the room—at her past—before walking out. She didn’t bother to lock the door. It didn’t matter anymore. The past, locked away in her heart, stood at the cage’s open door waiting to take wing. She knew what she had to do to set it free.

M
att counted the last of his money as he ate breakfast in the dingy coffee shop on the outskirts of town. Three dollars and seventy-eight cents. Sixty cents of that had come from under the car seat. He’d have to go home for the cash he kept in an old cigar box, but he didn’t want to risk being seen by his mother. He wanted to see Kate, but knew he couldn’t go to her house. Someone was bound to recognize his car. Downing his third cup of coffee, he finally stood.

Leaving the MG parked nearby, Matt walked the two blocks to the bus stop. He waited an interminable twenty minutes on the cold bench. The seventy-five cents he dropped into the driver’s box would take him to the end of the line, wherever that was. The brightly lit interior of the bus contrasted with its stuffy warmth and, with no plan, he soon nodded off in the rear seat he’d taken.

A voice saying, “This is it, son,” woke him from a dream that left him foggily wondering where he was. Matt looked up into the face of the driver and blinked. “End of the line. You’ll have to get off,” the driver said impatiently as he strode to the front of the bus.

Matt found himself at the entrance to Gypsy Hill Park. Indecision plagued him. He was close enough to Kate’s
to go there, but that also meant he was close enough to Mike’s. He had to get moving, though. It was too cold to just stand around.

The back streets took him to the rear of Kate’s house. He was relieved to see Mike’s truck gone, but so was Kate’s car and he kept going, disappointed. The sun glinting off the snow blinded him as he slowly wandered back to the park. He was making his way along Thornrose when he saw a car that looked like Kate’s turn into the cemetery gates. Matt picked up his pace and followed, but when he got to the entrance the car had disappeared. He stood quietly for a moment, then entered the hushed grounds. He knew where Paul’s grave was.

The groundskeeper was running the snowblower near Paul’s headstone. When he saw Kate park across the narrow road, he knew it was time to move on.

It had become an unwritten rule in the cemetery that Kate Armstrong was given complete privacy when she came to visit her husband’s grave. He remembered the first time she had come, her beauty somehow enhanced by her sorrow. She had moved slowly across the lawn to the beech tree that hung over the Armstrong plot. He was sure she’d seen him standing a few yards away, but she began speaking anyway. Her voice had been low—a mere murmur across the windy, hilly cemetery—and he couldn’t understand what she was saying, but he’d quickly left her alone. He’d seen a lot of loneliness and grief in his fifteen years at Thornrose, but Kate Armstrong’s was too much even for him to bear. He’d related the incident to the rest of the crew the next day. That had been nearly three years ago and when any one of them saw her they moved their work to some other part of the cemetery.

Now, Kate stepped out of her car, seemingly oblivious to the cold wind that gusted around her. The groundskeeper watched her walk toward her husband’s
marker. As he stowed the snowblower into the back of his electric cart, he noticed something different about her. There was a determined strength to her stride that had never been there before. He wasn’t sure why, but it made him happy.

Matt had just crested the small hill when the cart drove away. Kate stood in front of Paul’s headstone, and as Matt drew closer he could hear her voice. He stepped behind a tree. She was talking loudly and the wind blew her words his way.

“I’ve wanted you back—alive—for so many reasons, but right now I wish to God you were alive so I could tell you this to your face. I put up with your cheating and your lying. I told myself it was all right as long as we were still together. When you died, I let part of me die, too. I wouldn’t let myself see the people who really loved me. I was a fool.” She clenched her fists. “I was afraid to tell you about what happened between me and Matt. I was even more afraid to tell you about Mike. He loves me … but you already knew that.
You knew that!
The things you did to me closed me up to the point that I can’t even trust anymore.” She paced back and forth, her voice growing louder. “But now I’ve found out your secret. How cruel! To have a son and to hide it from everyone! I almost slept with
your son
, you bastard! Can you imagine how I felt when I found out? God! You’ve hurt so many people. Matt most of all.”

She stopped for a moment, drawing in her breath, trying to hold back her tears. “But you are not going to hurt anyone anymore. I am not going to cry over you anymore. I’m finally going to live my life. I just hope you haven’t destroyed any chance I might have at that. And I hope you haven’t destroyed an entire family with your lies.”

Kate suddenly dropped to her knees, her voice a plea. “Did you ever really love me? Did you ever love anyone but yourself?”

Matt couldn’t take it anymore, and he moved away from the shelter of the tree. “Kate?”

Her head whipped around, a look of pure fright on her face. Seeing Matt there was like seeing a ghost.

“I’m sorry,” Matt said as he walked toward her. “I didn’t really mean to listen in.”

She closed her eyes, willing her heart to slow down. When he knelt beside her and took her hand, her eyes opened and she quietly asked, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“I know you were in my house last night.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t have anyplace else to go. I wanted to talk to you, but you were with Mike, and I didn’t think he wanted to see me.”

Kate took his other hand. “Everyone’s worried about you.”

Matt looked at the ground. “I’ve caused a lot of trouble.”

“What are you talking about, Matt? None of this is your fault.”

“Then why do I feel like it is?”

The hurt in his voice made her heart contract, and she pulled him close and put her arms around him. “Oh, Matt … what is it about Paul that makes people think that way?”

He tried to stifle the tears that stung his eyes, but they came anyway.

Kate held him tighter. “Don’t let him do this to you. A week ago you didn’t know, and you had everything in your life to look forward to. Don’t let this make a difference. I’ve spent too many years under his spell. I’ve let him hurt me for too long. That was my own fault. I was the one who wasn’t willing to see the truth. We can’t let him hurt us anymore. He’s dead now.”

Matt’s body shook as he sobbed, “That’s what makes this so hard. I’m totally confused …” He wanted to go on, but couldn’t catch his breath.

Kate gently pushed him away. “Come on, Matt. I think you know that Dan is your father, despite the fact that Paul gave you life.” She squeezed his hand. “Matt? Am I right?”

Embarrassed by his tears, Matt turned his head and stood. He walked a few feet away from her. “That’s not it.”

“Then what?” Kate’s eyes followed him as he moved toward the beech tree.

“I idolized him. I guess I loved him. I know how much he hurt you. I think I hate him now.” His fist came up and sharply hit the tree trunk. “But, shit, Kate! A part of me still wants to love him. He was my
father!
And he was a piece of scum! And I still want him to have
loved me
.”

Kate stayed silent for a few seconds, then said, “Let’s get out of here, Matt.” She stood, brushing off her jeans. “Come to my house.” She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him away from the tree. “Let’s go, Matt. Where’s your car?”

“I came on the bus.” He turned to look at her, his hazel eyes filled with fear at all these emotions. “I don’t want to see anyone else.”

“You don’t have to. I promise.” Their eyes locked and his likeness to Paul took her back in time.

“What?” he asked.

Kate wordlessly shook her head.

“Kate?”

“Come on, Matt. It’s cold,” she interrupted, going toward the car.

“Kate,” Matt said, catching up with her. “He must’ve loved you. He would’ve been crazy not to.”

“Thanks, Matt,” she said in a clipped tone, afraid of where his words were leading. “Get in the car, please.”

He complied, and as she settled in behind the wheel, he quietly stated, “I love you, Kate.”

“Oh, Matt!” She pressed her forehead against the
steering wheel and whispered, “Please find someone to love who loves you back.”

“I saw you with Mike last night. I know you don’t care about me …”

Her head shot up. “I
do
care!”

“I know you don’t care about me
that way
,” he continued. “I’m not stupid, Kate. I saw how you were with Mike. I just wanted to tell you. That’s all. And I’ll never regret what happened between us.”

Her face flushed with embarrassment. “Please, Matt. I can’t talk about this anymore. Don’t bring it up again.” She turned the key in the ignition and they drove away.

A heavy silence hung between them, which Matt finally broke. “I don’t know if I can face Mike.” Kate sighed deeply. “I’m sorry, Kate. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know how he feels about me.”

“I explained what happened. He seemed to understand. The two of you are going to have to deal with this now.”

“You and Mike are okay, then?”

Kate glanced over at him, wondering what he wanted her to say. She finally answered, “Yes. I think we’re okay.” But as she spoke the words, she began to wonder if she’d be “okay” with anyone ever again.

M
att, wrung out emotionally, was asleep in the guest room. It wasn’t late, but a sudden urge to take a drink had sent Kate upstairs to the safety of her room. The den, the living room, the kitchen—all were too tightly linked to long lonely nights and alcohol-induced sleep. Kate sat on the bed, back against the headboard, a book open on her lap. She had read the same sentence three times, her thoughts erasing any memory of what the words were. The sentences blurred together, forming a gray mist that floated on the paper.

She hated to admit it, but it had been a relief to look out the front window and not see Mike’s truck. Their night together, and the closeness it had brought, was still too new to her. It was overwhelming. Her life had become so structured that she was like an inmate who had served twenty years and was suddenly free. She didn’t know how to deal with real life anymore. And the small amount of freedom she had felt after the visit to the cemetery was elusive. It had shown her what could be, and that was intimidating. What if she began to step out of the cage that had held her all these years and the door slammed shut in her face, leaving her to gaze out at the world alone again?

The doorbell brought her back and she looked at the clock. Nearly ten o’clock. She knew it was Mike and her heart beat a little faster, a paradoxical combination of apprehension and pleasure. High school all over again. She remembered the feeling well.