Remember Tuesday Morning (5 page)

“Good.” Ron gave her hand a quick squeeze and released it. “That’s what we’re looking for. Return visits.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “You’re beautiful.” He brushed a strand of hair off her face. “The windblown look suits you.”

Her cheeks warmed under his gaze. “I’ll be out in the kitchen in a minute.”

“I have a few subs to check on, but we can spend the last few hours together. If you don’t get too many walk-ins.”

Holly nodded and waited for him to leave. As he did, she exhaled and stared at the pile of papers on the desk in front of her. Ron was a generally attractive man. Kind and diligent, a churchgoer who didn’t ask more from her than she was willing to give. But he was a decade older than her and never married, a man for whom work and helping others came before anything else. Every other night there was a charity auction or benefit dinner, something that drew the attention of both father and son.

The one difference between Ron and his father was that Ron had never wanted marriage and a family. Development was his true love, something even he joked about. Holly had known Ron since she’d been hired by the company, but in the past year he’d shown a change of heart in his priorities. He’d stay late just to talk to her, and sometimes on slow afternoons he’d tell her that he was beginning to believe there had to be more to life than building beautiful homes and attending charity events.

Indeed.

Holly pulled a rubber band from the top desk drawer, gathered her hair behind her, and pulled it into a ponytail that hung halfway down her back. She cared about Ron, she did. No one else had come along, and there was no point living in the past, so maybe this was it — the man her parents had prayed for all those years when she was growing up. She wiped her still-damp hand on her black dress slacks and sighed.

At the same time, something caught her eye, a photo on the front page of the
Times’
Metro section. Even from this angle there was something familiar about the build of the man in the picture. Earlier she’d been too busy to even glance at the headlines, but now she rolled her chair to the left a few inches and as she did, the photo came into view. She gasped before she could stop herself.

Her lungs couldn’t process the breath and again she tried to breathe while her heart dropped to the floor. The picture showed a stern-faced sheriff’s deputy standing at attention, a trophy in his hand. Beside him was a stoic-looking German shepherd, his ears forward, body rigid and alert. Holly let her eyes fall to the caption beneath the photo because she had to see it, had to read his name in print before she could actually believe it. And there it was.

Los Angeles Sheriff’s Deputy Alex Brady and his K9 partner, Bo, receive an award for excellence at a recent ceremony.
Her eyes moved back to his, and she felt her heart limp slowly back to place. If it weren’t for the distinct angles of his face and the way he held his broad shoulders back, she wouldn’t have had a clue who he was. His eyes were so hard it hurt to look at him.

She brought the paper a little closer and studied him.
Oh, Alex … you never made it back, did you?
Tears blurred her vision, and she blinked so she could read the rest of the caption. It wasn’t long, not even a complete story. Just the fact that Alex and Bo had made more arrests than any other K9 team in the department for the second straight year. The only quote from Alex was a brief one. “I’m doing what I love.”

Holly looked at him once more. The eyes of the Alex Brady she had known had been filled with light, same as his face. That Alex had spent his Sunday mornings at church and his weekends taking her on long walks, laughing over
Fresh Prince
re-runs, and whispering on the phone until late at night
…
No one could dampen the life that spilled into everything they did together. Holly allowed herself to remember those years like she rarely remembered them anymore. There had been a time when she could look into Alex’s eyes and easily know who he loved and what he loved and how much he loved.

But now? No matter what he said to the reporter, Alex’s expression told a different story. That he didn’t love anything or anyone at all. She took a last look at the paper, folded it carefully in half, and slid it into her bag for later. Still, even as she tried to tuck the memories away into the shadowy corners of her heart, they came back to life.

As vivid as they’d been in the days after 9/11.

F
IVE

A
s far as Holly could tell, the change in Alex happened as soon as he got the news about the Twin Towers collapsing. Alex became a different person overnight, as if a piece of him had been buried in the rubble of Ground Zero.

She went to his house the morning of September 12, and his mother answered the door. The two of them hugged and cried, muttering about how maybe Alex’s dad was alive, and maybe he would be rescued any minute. Finally, Holly took a few steps back and looked into the other room. Alex was sitting on the sofa, staring at the television. His eyes were red, his cheeks tearstained. Holly looked back at his mother. “Can I … can I talk to him?”

“You can try.” She dried her cheeks, her tone weary. “He found out this morning that he wasn’t allowed down there.” She turned in his direction. “So he’s watching it on TV.”

Holly was heartbroken for him, but even so, she never expected the reaction she got that day. She went to him and sat beside him on the sofa. “Alex …”

“I can’t talk.” He didn’t look at her. “Sorry, Holly … I have to watch this. I have to know.” He stood and walked closer to the screen. “He’s alive in there somewhere; I can feel it. They just need to get to him.”

The pain in his voice frightened her, and she slid back deeper into the sofa. For two hours she stayed, wanting to help or hug him, trying to offer him some sort of comfort. But he was driven by the action on the screen, as if by watching carefully he could somehow will the rescue workers to find his father.

Alex stayed that way all day and for the next several days until the captains in charge of the rescue operation declared that the work had become a recovery. No one could possibly have survived the collapse of the towers and still be alive so many days later.

Again Holly went to him, but this time Alex met her at the door. “I can’t talk.” His eyes were dead, closed off in a way they’d never been to her. “My mom and I have a lot to work through, Holly. Try to understand.”

She tried, and at first she figured he was in shock, the way most of the country and particularly the people of New York City were. But as the horrible days turned into weeks, his distance from her and indifference toward her remained.

Whereas before the attacks Alex had spent most of his free time with her, afterwards he wanted only to come home and study, or run at the track. He finished senior football season with his best numbers ever, but he seemed to find no joy in playing or in anything else.

“I’m worried about him,” his mother admitted at one of the home games when Holly sat beside her. “He told me he doesn’t believe in God anymore. Not if God could let all those firefighters die.”

The weeks became months. Over Christmas break, Alex talked to her just once. “I’ve been a jerk, Holly. I know it.” He looked at her, but not really. Not the way he used to. “It’s like I can’t feel anything anymore. Like I’m stuck or something.”

Holly remembered one time that spring when they happened to meet after school in the 400 Building. He saw her from the other side of the hallway. Of course, he saw her. But he barely looked at her, and he never even slowed as he approached her.

“Alex.” She called his name, and that was when he finally stopped and really noticed her.

“Hey …”

Holly felt strangely awkward, the way she had never felt around Alex. “Wanna go get something to eat? We need to talk.”

His eyes never softened, never showed even a hint of emotion. “No, thanks. I have to get to work.” He started walking away from her. “See ya, Holly.”

So many times that year she had wanted to shake him, stop him in the school parking lot or in the cafeteria, and yell at him in front of the whole student body, if that’s what it took. Because Alex Brady wasn’t the only one suffering from the disaster of 9/11. At their school alone, nearly half the kids knew someone who died, someone who was hurt or grieving the loss of a loved one.

Support groups began meeting after school, and counselors were available for kids who couldn’t shake their sorrow. But Alex was different from any of those. As far as Holly knew, he never once went for counseling or met with one of the support groups. Whatever he was feeling, he never voiced his sorrow or grief. Instead, he simply let the Alex Brady he had once been die. At the graduation party when school ended, he pulled her aside and gave her more of a window into his new life than he’d given her all year. “I’m moving,” he told her. His look still wasn’t the clear-eyed one she had known before, but his tone was kind. “I wanted you to hear it from me.”

She asked him where he was going, and when he explained that he was headed out West to fight crime, she suddenly understood. His life, his heart, his days … all of it had become taken up by one single focus — taking out the sort of criminal that had killed his father. A year later when she went to LA, she was sure he would’ve found his way past the hurt and anger. If he wasn’t seeing anyone, she expected him to welcome her with open arms and apologize for how he’d acted. But not once since September 11 had she seen him look even remotely like the guy she used to love.

She had talked to his mother several times — mostly in the first few years after the terrorist attacks. “He’s hurting, Holly. He won’t deal with it, so the pain stays in his heart where it’s killing him.”

“Does he really think he’ll find healing by seeking revenge?” Holly still loved him. She would’ve done anything to reach him, but she no longer knew how.

“It isn’t revenge.” Alex’s mother sounded pensive. “He cares about the bad guys as much as the victims. Before he settled on law enforcement, he even thought about going into counseling. So he could help people change for the better — before they were capable of hurting society.”

It was as if Alex was trying to become a real life Batman, a person incapable of sustaining relationships in his quest to right all the wrongs in the world. And for some sad reason — even though everyone who loved him could see the futility in his driving determination — Alex couldn’t see it.

He still couldn’t see it.

“Holly, you coming out?” Ron’s voice rang out from the dining room on the other side of the house.

“Almost.” She kept her tone upbeat because she needed this time, these few minutes. If for nothing more than to catch her breath.

She walked to the full-length window at the far end of her office and gripped the frame on either side. For just a few more minutes she wanted to live there again, in the past, back when she and Alex had all the world figured out, all eternity too. She could feel him beside her, hear the smooth richness of his voice as they walked along the path through Central Park on warm spring evenings. She could smell his cologne, the way it came off better on him than in the bottle and how it mixed with the mint of his favorite gum.

“I think I found a favorite Bible verse …” he had told her on one of those days. “‘
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength
.’ That’s gotta be one of the best.”

Holly had heard it a hundred times before, but in that moment — with all the future stretched out before them — she might as well have been hearing it for the first time. After that, the verse belonged to both of them. Never mind the struggles that faced so many high school kids. They believed with God’s help the two of them could do all things, absolutely anything.

His faith had been unshakable back then, and hers too. She closed her eyes and tried to hold onto the memory, the way his hand felt around hers, the easy way their steps fell at the same time as they walked side by side.
Alex, what happened to us? How did we let it slip away?

Ron was talking to the other guys, and his loud voice interrupted the moment. The answer was obvious, of course. They didn’t let it slip away. What they shared — the love and laughter, the quiet walks and determined faith — all of it came crashing down right alongside the glass and steel and bodies in the collapse of the Twin Towers. Alex had refused himself the joy of loving and living ever since then.

She heard Dave asking about her in the other room, and she blinked herself back into the present. Two years ago, seeing Alex’s picture in the paper might’ve prompted her to find him again, call him, and at least reminisce about the beautiful days they’d left behind. But the eyes in the picture on the front page confirmed what she had only guessed before today. That there was no point ever contacting Alex again for one simple reason:

The Alex Brady she had known and loved no longer existed.