Remembering Christmas (34 page)

Authors: Drew Ferguson

BOOK: Remembering Christmas

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Once again the female voice boomed throughout the space overhead and urged Rob and his fellow passengers to board at Gate 5. “Sounds like it's time for you to go.”

And like the good salesman he was, Rob was able to admit defeat. “Yeah, it is.”

The effects of the Scotch long gone, Theo knew that when Rob hugged him tightly it was because he wanted to, not because his inhibitions were lowered; he was just as grateful for this impromptu meeting as Theo was. “You make sure you take care of the coach,” Rob demanded.

“I will, I promise.”

They didn't fill the air with pleasantries, no “say hello to your parents, give your kids a hug for me”; it was as if they didn't want to clutter their last few moments together. Theo watched Rob leave toward his gate never once expecting him to turn around to wave one more time or steal another glance at the man who held a small place in his heart. He remained standing looking in his direction simply because he didn't feel the need to move; he didn't feel the need to do anything, and it felt liberating.

After Rob disappeared into the throng of the other passengers who had been anxiously waiting to board their flight and even after all those passengers disappeared, Theo still stood there in the middle of the terminal, just staring. People walked around him, some said “excuse me” but politely since it was Christmas Eve, and no one told him to sit down or move out of the way. It was a good thing too because he wouldn't have listened.

He dug into his pocket for some unknown reason and pulled out a candy cane severed in two, and an image of him and Rob standing next to each other, but not touching, flashed in his brain. He couldn't figure out why for the moment so he stared at the candy cane more intently; anyone who saw him would have thought he was a little bit drunk and a little bit crazy, especially when he cried out, “That's it!” He was the red stripe and Rob was the white, or vice versa, it really didn't matter, it simply mattered that the two lines never connected, they continued on in circles next to one another, around and around and around, never connecting, never becoming one. For the first time it was clear that that's the way they were meant to be.

Judy Garland was telling him to have a merry little Christmas, and that's really all that he had wanted. And maybe that's what he should do, make it really little, just him and Coach Bob. Noticing some empty stools at the bar, Theo sat down on one and put his coat and bag on another. He positioned Coach Bob so he could see the small silver Christmas tree in the corner of the bar that had obviously been decorated in a rush with a few strands of tinsel thrown onto its branches haphazardly and a few plastic red balls that as his mother would say “had seen a better day.” His mother, hmm, suddenly he felt depressed. He could see her face and hear her voice, hear her talking, never asking him important questions, questions that mattered. He could see his father looking through him, laughing at his own jokes; he could see his aunt and their friends and he just felt paralyzed. What had Rob said?
He
didn't have a choice, but Theo did.

He had a choice, but had taken a job that fell into his lap and stayed there long after it had ceased to be enjoyable. He had found a man, Neil, who on paper was perfect, but in life was terribly flawed and not committed to building a life with him, but Theo chose to ignore the signs and allow their life to continue instead of choosing something better for himself. He had let life take him for a ride instead of the other way around.

Philosophy and self-examination had never been Theo's strong suit, but he knew he had to make some changes in his life if he wanted to capture any of the happiness and joy and freedom he had felt when he was a little boy. He had no idea how he was going to do it, but he had to start thinking like a man who was free and could make his own choices. He waited for the guilt to come, but it didn't, which made sense because he made his choice out of love. Love for himself.

The female voice returned to the air. “Flight 422 for Phoenix, Arizona, now boarding at Gate 27.”

Theo turned to look at Coach Bob, content, sheathed in his box, covered in plastic, and Theo longed to feel the same way. He stopped thinking and took action.

Catching the eye of the bartender, he said, “I'll have another.”

KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by

Kensington Publishing Corp.
119 West 40th Street
New York, NY 10018

“Away, in a Manger” originally appeared as a short story in a slightly different version in
Best Gay Romance 2011,
edited by Richard Labonte, Cleis Press.

Kensington and the K logo Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.

ISBN: 978-0-7582-7389-5

ISBN-10: 0-7582-6685-5

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