Renegade T.M. (16 page)

The Humdinger dropped out of the time stream and onboard things seemed tense.

“
What
?!
”

“
Slip
?!
”

“
What the
?!
”

“
SLIP
!”

“
Now everyone be cool
,”
said Slip picking himself up and dusting himself down, after he had been thrown quite dramatically across the room having caused the Humdinger to decelerate so quickly.

“
Now look Slip
,”
began Crinkle
,
“
we go back a long way together an
d I’ve seen you make some pretty
dumb decisions durin
g that time, in fact I’d say I’ve
seen you make some of the dumbest decisions ever made
.”

“
Yeah
sure whatever
,”
he replied flippantly,
taking a sip from what he thought was a milk carton , but in actuality w
as a box of Frapideeze, a rapid freezing liquid.

“
Yeah
Slip, what on earth was that, I mean, do you actually have any idea what you’re doing
?”
p
ut in Pete for good measure.

“
Come on
, tell us then, what is
your grand plan
?”
asked Crinkle,
accentuating the word grand and bowing down in mock salute.

“
Moo
f fwoose
,”
he said unintelligibly
, his mouth full of Frapideeze.

“
What
?”

“
Moo
f Fwoosen
!”

“
Here drink this
,”
said Crinkle han
ding him
a hot
beverage
.

“
Menku
,”
he replied drinking it down and unfreezing himself.

“
Erm guys, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but aren’t we forgetting something
?”
said Pete.

“
Like what
?”
asked Slip checking his trouser fly.

“
Like the whole explosion imminent thing
!”

“
Oh
yeah
,”
he
remembered
all of a sudden
,
“
what’s the Humdinger’s power containment rate at Crinks
?”

“
Fou
r million kafka’s and rising!”

“
It’s no use, we’re going to have to dump the core
.”

“
But that will strand us here Slip
!”
argued Crinkle.

“
Better being stuck here, than blown a
cross an entire galactic sector
!”
“
Where is here exactly
?”
put in Pete.

“
Ah, now that’s the good bit, got a bit of help with that one. You remember what Mormid said
?”

“
Yeah
he called you McGrimey
!”

“
No before that
.”
“
Erm, hello I’m Mormid
?”
“
No not quite, he said that from
that
day on everything changed
.”

“
Yeah
but what day Slip
?”
a
sked Pete.

“
Oh
yeah
monkey man, I forgot you’re not really up to speed with the whole history thing are you
.”

“
I got a B in it, I’ll have you know
.”

“
Man that’s gotta hurt! Okay Bumble, it’s like this, everyone is taught at school the history of the Co-leen, and the first thing that we learn is about the Apotheosis of Mormid. There was a time way back in histo
ry when he
was just your average Co-leen, he had a regular job, regular girlfriend, regular life all round. Then came his day of dawning and subsequent apotheosis, or
what we know as Mormidmas, when
once a
yea
r
,
it i
s
custom to steal the most treasured possessions from your closest friends and family. Anyway, to answer your question, that’s where we are, right back where it all first happened, Mormid’s day of dawning
.”

“
Oh right, and you intend to stop this d
ay of dawning and prevent him
from ever becoming the evil galactic ruler he is today, or at least will be tomorrow
?”

“
Got it in one ape boy
!”

“
Erm guys, imminent explosion remember
?!
”
i
nt
er
rupted Crinkle
.

“
Sure things Crinks, dump the core, do it
!”

“
Done
,”
she said,
pushing a large red button.

“
Now hang on, that means we’ve got no power right?!
”
realized
Pete
,
more than a little worried.

“
Yep
.”

“
So we’re just floating along in space now, and wherever this is, we’re here to stay
?”

“
Yep again
.”

“
Well that’s just brilliant Slip, no really, top notch job
,”
said Pete sarcastically
,
“
as usual you’ve really saved the day, oh and by saved, I mean utterly and irreversibly ruined it
!”

“
Yeah
Slip, and what do you propose we do now
?”
queried Crinkle.

“
Well chap and chapette
, if you would kindly follow me over to the starboard window, I think you’ll both find the view very much to your collective liking
.”

Pete and Crinkle followed Slip over to the window and peered outside. What lay beyond was not one of those breathtaking views that make you appreciate more the gift of life, but rather one of those views you might notice regretfully while reminding yourself to buy milk later that day. The Humdinger had landed on a planet, and was currently parked outside a drab and nondescript city. It was raining, I mean
really raining, t
he kind of insistent rain that would run back to back marathons if it could, stopping now and again only to pour large buckets of water over its head. Pete took in the view and thought quite i
mmediately to himself, I’m home.

Pete and Fendel made their way over to the woods where the horde of vixens had said they would find their old friend and leader
,
Slip
McGroovy
. On entering the woods they shortly came across a copse in which one m
an was addressing a large crowd,
to the evident delight of both.

“
And that’s how I single-handedly defeated the Co-leen using nothing more than this old leather belt and my wits
!”
d
eclared Slip, whipping out his belt as he finished, causing his trousers to fall quite dramatically around his ankles.

Applause rippled through the crowd, before the
whooping and screaming started. S
oon this became a kind of inhuman baying, the noises merging finally, so were one to listen intently, an unchanging melodic chant became apparent, which went along the simple lines of
twister… twister… twister…

“
Well, this is creepy
,”
said Pete.

Fendel nodded.

The chanting had by now grown into an incessant throng, Slip waddled around the crowd touching people’s heads and whispering under his breath. Pete and Fendel looked on and it was clear that this was no ordinary light-hearted game of twister, but rather the beginnings of some kind of dark ceremony, of whi
ch Slip was the Over Lord. He
continued to bestow his blessings on those around him for a while, and then came to halt exactly in the middle of the crowd at the point where Pete and Fendel had first discovered him.

“
My people
,”
began Slip addressing the crowd
,
“
we are here today to give praise to the One
.”

Praise the One,
chanted the crowd back at him.

“
Here in the legendary afterlife of Hupa Hool
.”

Hupa Hool.

“
We have discovered a truth that goes beyond all truth
.”

Beyond all truth.

“
Namely that, though we are all dead in this place, we have never been so very alive
!”

We’re alive!

“
And we should thank ourselves
.”

Thank ourselves.

“
And thank one other
.”

Thank one another.

“
But most of all
.”

Most of all.

“
We should thank our Saviour
.”

Thank our Saviour.

“
The numero uno
!”

Numero uno!

“
Original bonbon
!”

Original bonbon!

“
Yeah
you said it first
.”

You said it first.

“
Indeed I did, Slip
McGroovy
, me
!”

Slip
McGroovy
, Slip
McGroovy
, Slip
McGroovy
!

At this point Slip sat crossed legged on the ground, and an orderly queue formed in front of him, all the while to the eerie chant of
Slip
McGroovy
, Slip
McGroovy
, Slip
McGroovy
.

“
It appears Slip’s become some kinda demiurge then
,”
said Fendel nonchalantly.

“
So it appears
,”
agreed Pete
,
“
is he always like this
?”

“
Yep
.”

“
Oh okay, so do you still want to see him
?”
a
sked Pete frowning.

“
Well, we’ve come this far haven’t we?! Come on follow me
.”

Fendel and Pete joined the queue and stood together in line until it was their turn to speak with the One.

“
Hello Slip, or is it the One these days
?”
asked
Fendel upon reaching Slip.

“
Fendel me ol’ mat, what’s shakin
?”
replied
Slip as if they had seen each other only earlier that morning.

“
Oh you know, same old, my tenuous grip on reality, you
?”

“
Not much, just got this new religion thing going for me, care to join, can do you fine fellows a
fair
discount if you accept me as the one true god
?”

“
Erm no ta, think we’ll pass
.”

“
Fair enough chuck, well aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend
?”

“
Sure, Slip
McGroovy
, Pete Martin,”
said Fendel
distractedly,
introducing Pete.

“
Hello, I’ve heard a lot about you
,”
said Pete waving awkwardly as he spoke.

“
Wait, you guys don’t recognize one another?
!”
said Fendel aghast, “o
h, of course, we’re in another dimension, well the afterlife of another dimension, well the Hupa Hool after-afterlife life of another dimension! Damn parrot of uncertainty, anyone got an aspirin
?”
he finished finally, having
never been that fond of dimensional paradoxes.

“
Er
yeah
, nice to meet you Pete
,”
said Slip giving him
an enormous hug.

“
So what do you reckon as to this place
?”
a
sked Slip,
releasing Pete and restoring some
air to his lungs.

“
Well, I must say I like it, I found a ruby up my nose earlier
,”
answered Pete, checking his nose again and finding a diamond this time.

“
Yeah
this place is great for that, all of your dreams can come true
!”

“
All of them
?”
q
ueried Fendel with wry suspicion.

“
Yeah
of course, look around you, my followers love me, they hang on all I say. Here I have everything I want, any girl, any moment, anything really, anything
!”
“
Then what was all the rubbish about defeating the Co-leen single-handedly? I mean from where I’m standing, they’re not the ones who are dead here, you are
!”

“
Okay Fends, I was speaking figuratively, anyway what’s so wrong with being dead? Being alive is so yester
-mi
llen
n
ia
!”

“
Oh sure
,”
drawled Fendel sarcastically
,
“
so you’re saying that rather than being alive and, well, kickin
g, you’d rather be dead and, ow!
”

Slip
had taken
the moment to kick Fendel quite forcefully in the shin.

“
Okay Slip, so you think you’re happy right
?”
he asked
trying a new tack, rubbing his soo
n to be bruised shin, “
well, if you’re so happy, then where’s the team, where’s the Renegade gang
?”

“
Erm
,”
Slip looked a little lost for a moment
,
“
well you’re here Fendel
!”

“
Yeah
but I’m not really
your
Fendel, I’m not from this dimension
and Pete here,
has never even heard of you! So what happened to the most listened to station in the universe Slip,
what did you do with Renegade T
M
?”

“
What did I do?! WHAT DID I DO?
!”
s
houted Slip who was clearly very angry about something
,
“
I did everything I could! Those Co-leen clowns are to blame! They killed them, they killed me, and then they… and then they…
“
“
Go on
,”
coaxed Pete.

“
No it’s too horrible
.”
“
Come on big guy
,”
tried Fendel.

“
Well they had our equipment see, so now
Renegade
T
M plays nothing but…”

“
Nothing but…”

“
Afternoon jazz
!”
f
inished Slip and then broke down crying.

“
Oh my
,”
gasped Fendel
,
“
that’s just sick
!”
“
I know
!”

“
Okay, so you’re dead right
?”

“
Yep
,”
nodded Slip.

“
Renegade T
M is no more
?”

“
Yep
.”
“
Oh and Slip…
“
“
Yes Fends
?”
“
Where’s Crinkle
?”
“
Oh
yeah
right, Crinks, well that’s quite a long story…
“