Resolution (Saviour) (38 page)

“
I’m just scared that while I’m away that you will have time to think and you will change your mind. Everything has happened so quickly, we’ve both gone through some massive changes in our lives these past few months, you especially and I’m just such a fuck up. I wonder what you see in me, why you would want to be with someone like me? I don’t deserve you, that’s how I feel if I’m being honest here Lauren.”

“
Always honest Gabe, always, remember, total honesty, always.” I interrupt him.

“
Well, if I’m being totally honest, that’s how I feel, like I don’t deserve you, or Ava or the new babies or this, what we have, this fucking amazing, beautiful thing that we have together. I don’t think I deserve it and I worry all the time that it will be taken away from me. It nearly was a couple of weeks ago and I’m scared that it will happen again. Another accident, you deciding to get rid of the babies and go back to Jason, Ava realising how badly I treated her Mum and deciding she doesn’t want me in her life. I think about, I worry about these things all the time. As well as thinking about you, us and how much I love you. I have to actively make a conscious decision to stop thinking about you, when I’m at work and in meetings and stuff, I find it hard to focus, it’s you, all day, all the time, it’s you, I’ve never experienced anything like it before.”

Bloody hell
. Well, I actually feel a bit better about all my own issues now, the way I see it is if Mr Perfection here has all these hang ups, then little ol’ me is entitled to have mine, but what I’m confused about is why? Why doesn’t he think that he’s worthy or entitled to be loved?

“
But why Gabe? Why do you think you don’t deserve to be loved?”

He stares at me for a long time, then closes his eyes as he says on a sob
, “I fucked my Dad’s wife.”

Hi
s shoulders shake as he rests his head on my chest and cries, and I cry with him and for him. I hold his head to my heart that’s breaking for him right now and I try to sooth him with calming words, he leans back against the tiles and slides to the floor, pulling me into his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck and just hold him. That fucking woman. Right at this moment I don’t think I have ever despised another human being as much as I do her, my jaw clenches, does she have any idea how badly she has fucked up his life, would she even care if she did know? I want to kill her, I actually want to go and buy a gun and shoot her, but not somewhere fatal. I want to shoot her somewhere that will make her bleed out and die a slow painful death and before she dies, I want her to see me walk away so that she knows she is about to die, totally alone. Is that too much; too wicked a death for what she’s done to him? She totally changed the course of his life with her actions and despite the fact they ultimately bought him to me. I would give up on ever having met him in a heartbeat if it meant he didn’t have to live with the guilt of what went on between him and Jackie.

I tilt his face up to mine and look into his bloodshot eyes and I know speaking is going to be a struggle as I look at the pain written all over his face, my bottom lip trembles as I start to talk
. “You listen to me. You didn’t fuck her, she fucked you, she came to you, she used and abused you, then she threatened you. She is a criminal; she should go to prison for what she’s done and you.”

I lose it for a minute and can’t hold my tears back
. “You were her innocent victim, please, please believe me Gabe, you did nothing wrong, it was all her, I don’t know why we are having this conversation again, I can’t begin to explain how to make it any clearer. You are seeing this all wrong. What she did was wrong, you are innocent, please stop punishing yourself for something you didn’t do, something you’re not guilty of. Please, for my sake, for Ava’s sake and for the two babies we have growing inside me now, please stop blaming yourself and let’s stop letting her have any influence over our lives. I love you, I love you beyond words, there’s not a sentence I could come up with that would express adequately what I feel for you, what you mean to me, you are stuck with me and Bruce and Sheila forever baby. And all of us and Ava and my boys will build a life together and yes sometimes it will be shit and we will fight and argue basically because I’m always right and you have yet to accept that fact. But also because that is life, that’s what couples do, that’s what families do. And that’s what we are going to be, a totally fucked up, dysfunctional, blended family, but I swear, I will love each and every one of you and fight to make you understand that fact, until the day I die.”

We sit in almost silence for a few long moments, the only sound is the water from the shower splashing down on us; I can feel his heart pounding as I sit with my palm against his chest, it’s rapid rhythm matching the beat of my own. I hate that he still feels so much guilt over what Jackie did to him as a young man, I hate that he feels so undeserving of the love we all feel for him.
All of us, not just myself and Ava but his brothers and sister, his sisters in law, his nieces and nephews, even my friends. Even Ryder. It’s so apparent to me how much his family love him and how much my friends and family have come to love him over these past months that I can’t believe he would feel so insecure, so unworthy. I can’t believe that this beautiful, funny, loving man who has women stuttering and stammering their words in his presence and their knickers combusting at his smile, who outwardly oozes self-confidence and charm, feels so unworthy of any affection sent his way. He rubs the palms of his hands over his face and the tips of his fingers across his eyes, then strokes my cheek with the back of his hand.

“
You’re pretty eloquent when you wanna be Lauren. For a mouthy little London bird.”

He keeps a straight face as he talks to me, looking right into my eyes, without missing a beat I reply
. “Well that would be because technically I’m a mouthy little Essex bird and not a London bird. And we is deep in Essex. Ya get me blud?”

“
What are you saying? What was that?”

“
I’m not really sure, it’s how the kids talk now where I come from.”

“
Well don’t do it again. It’s disturbing, and I doubt very much that they sound anything like that.”

“
Oh they do, I heard them last time I went back.”

“
Really? They really sound like you just did?”

“
Yep.”

“
Really, you’re sure?”

“
Sort of.”

“
They don’t sound anything like that do they Lauren? I’ve watched The Bill and Eastenders, they sound nothing like you just did.”

I shrug
. “What can I say? I can’t be a blindingly good shag, eloquent and good at accents, but I can live with two out of three.”

We stare at each other for a few seconds but can’t keep a straight face and both break out into a grin
. Okay, I haven’t got him laughing but I’ve hopefully lifted his spirits from the depths of despair where they were lurking just a few minutes ago. He kisses me on the mouth.

“
I love you Lauren Day, I love you so much.”

“
You better.”

“
Do you get sick of me telling you? I feel like it’s all I ever say?”

“
Yep. I never want to hear those words again.”

He stills and looks down at me
. “Gabe? Seriously? You seriously want me to answer that.” He nods his head slightly.

“
I’ve never said it to anyone before. I mean, Obviously Ava and my family but I’ve never told a woman and I don’t know how often. How many times a day I’m supposed to say it. I want to tell you all day every day, it runs through my mind constantly, it’s the first thing that wants to come out of my mouth every time I look at or think about you but I worry that I will just get on your nerves.”

“
I live for it. I live for those words, if you want to tell me all day every day, then go for it, tell me as often as you need to, there are no rules to loving someone Gabe, love is different for everyone so just go with what feels right, what works for you but just so you know, I love hearing you tell me that you love me, I love the way you say my name, the way you never shorten it, it’s always only ever Lauren with you, I love it when you call me baby, I love the way you say I’ve got ya when you know I’m about to come, I just love you period. You really have no idea do you? Just accept that what you feel for me is matched by what I feel for you tenfold.”

He shakes his head again
. “Not possible.”

“
It is, accept it.”

“
Do you think I’ve turned into a pussy since we met? Jake and Zac reckon I’ve lost my balls and grown a mangina.”

“
Jake and Zac can fuck right off and mind their business. You’re just new to all of this that’s all. You’ll eventually learn how to handle your feelings.”

“
I don’t think I will. Not where you’re concerned.”

“
Good. Coz I want you to always love and want me the way you do right now, I’m a very insecure person. I want to always hear you tell me you love me.”

He gives a small laugh and shakes his head
. “I have a plane to catch.”

“
You best move your sexy arse then.”

“
Well I can’t seeing as your sexy arse is parked right in my lap right now.”

I huff and go to stand but before I do, he lifts me in his arms as he stands the both of us up
. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me gently on the mouth, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back. He slaps my backside.

“
Go woman, otherwise I will never make my flight.”

I huff and step out of the water, grab a towel off the rack and wrap if around my hair, pulling my bathrobe on I head off to make us coffee and leave Gabe to get dressed
. The words from our earlier conversation churning through my brain, I feel so inadequate at trying to help him, he really needs professional help and it’s something that I am determined to look into, whether he will agree to counselling or not, I’m really not sure but I will do some research regardless.

I love Gabe
naked; he has a long lean body, broad shoulders, a nicely defined six pack and that V that just does things to me. The only thing that matches a naked Gabriel Wilde in my book, is Gabriel Wilde in a suit. Today he is wearing a three piece, light grey Prince Of Wales check suit with a very light blue line running through the check, he has teamed it with a white cut away collar shirt and a light blue tie, which he has tied with a wide knot, his hair is still damp and pushed back off of his face but because it’s in need of a cut a section from the front has flopped forward, he has shaved, which I don’t like so much, preferring a couple of days stubble around that sexy jaw of his, but this is an important meeting and he needs to look professional, so I’ll live with it. By the time he gets back to me he won’t be so smooth anyway. All in all, he looks drop dead fucking gorgeous; I pass him his coffee with a smile.

“
Stop with that look Lauren, it’s already gone seven thirty, I need to check in by ten.”

“
What did I do?” Seriously, am I that obvious?

“
You know what you do. To me. With that look. So stop it.”

“
I didn’t do anything, I just looked at you, it’s just the way I look when I look at you. In a suit. All smoking hot. And fucking sexy. It makes me w…”

“
Lauren, I’m going, now, before I end up missing my flight.” He interrupts.

“
Jake and Zac are right, you do have a Mangina.”

He ignores me
. “Do not drive too far, keep your phone switched on and call me at any time if you need me. What are you doing today?”

“
Hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, mani, pedi, out for an Indian with Stella tonight, then she’s staying over to babysit me.”

“
She’s not babysitting you, she’s keeping you company, it was nice of her to offer.”

“
She didn’t offer. You ordered her, neither Stella nor I were consulted. But no worries, Stell’s good company, we might even head down Main Street after we eat.” I suppress a smile and wait for his reply.

“
You will do no such fucking thing. Indian, then home, no Main Street, not without me, we’ve seen what happens when you and Stell hit Main Street unaccompanied. Eat your food then get your arses home, better still, get a takeout. Yeah, takeout, do they deliver? Get it delivered.”

“
Do you just want to lock me in now? Stop with the worrying Gabe, I won’t drive too far, I will keep my phone fully charged, switched on, ringtone volume set to max and within my reach at all times. Go, now, leave me. I love you.”

I wrap my arms around his neck as he lets out a big sigh as he pulls me in for a cuddle
. “I love you too baby, I miss you already, I’ll call when I land. Just…” He swallows hard and seems to struggle for the right words for a few seconds. “Thank you for this morning, thank you for loving me, thank you for teaching me to love myself.”

He cups my face in his hands and brushes his thumbs over my cheekbones. I blink away a tear and it rolls over his thumb, he instantly sucks it into his mouth, making me smile
. “Go, I love you.”