Restoration 01 - Getting It Right (29 page)

Applause followed him back to his seat. James tracked him until the back of his head disappeared, surprised and concerned by the story that had been told with so much matter-of-factness and grace. He’d met Carey a handful of times over the years, and he never would have pegged the guy for a former drunk and child beater. And James knew the type. He handled the consequences of those types every day.

Three others shared that night. James didn’t move from his chair. He tried to imagine standing up there and sharing his truth. He couldn’t. Hell, he didn’t know what his truth was. Not really. He drank when things got tough, which usually led to doing something stupid. Such as still being asleep when Elliott answered his door that morning, leaving him unable to explain to Nathan why Elliott was there.

Whatever Nathan believed had happened, James had tried to dispel via voice mail and text. The only response he got from Nathan had been two hours earlier. A simple
Visiting
parents for weekend. Call you sometime.

Call you sometime.
Talk about a brush-off. Not that he totally blamed Nathan for taking off and getting some space. James had been kind of a dick the night before, even if some of the dickishness felt justified. But he’d never intended on driving Nathan away.

Christa returned to the podium and led the crowd in the recitation of the Serenity Prayer.

James knew it from his childhood, and he said it in his head rather than out loud. Christa invited everyone to stay for refreshments and fellowship. He nearly bolted for the door, but he didn’t want to be that guy. The coward who snuck in and out without acknowledging the other people who weren’t so different from him.

He stood slowly and wove his way around other loitering bodies, making a slow exit, trying to be anonymous.

Unsurprisingly, a burly body got in his way. “I thought I saw you back there,” Carey said quietly, but in a tone that said to stay put and chat.

James managed a nonchalant shrug. “I didn’t figure on seeing someone I knew here.”

“Especially me?”

“You hadn’t crossed my mind at all.”

Carey nodded. “Exactly. You see someone who seems like they’ve got it all together, but underneath everything, they’re a bleeding mess.”

“Are you talking about yourself or me?”

“About pretty much everyone in this room, or we wouldn’t be here.”

James had no answer to that. “I’m sorry about your family, and your elder son.”

“Me too. More than I can ever say. He’d have just turned twenty-three this week. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t miss him.”

“May I ask his name?”

“Theo.” Carey’s expression softened. “Goddamn, but he looked like his mother. I think that’s why I took so much out on him those last two years without her. It wasn’t fair, and eventually my drinking and my temper drove him away.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is, and I can’t change the past. He’s on my list of people to make amends to, if I ever see him again.”

“And which of the twelve steps is that?”

“Nine. I’d suggest starting at the beginning, though.”

“And what’s the first step?”

“Admitting that we’re powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become

unmanageable.”

Cold trickled down James’s spine. “My life isn’t unmanageable.”

Carey shrugged. “That’s your call. But you had a reason for coming here.”

“Nate thinks I have a drinking problem.”

“Do you agree?”

“I’m not sure.” Coming to a meeting had felt like the right thing to do last night. Now he was second-guessing himself. He wasn’t like these people. He could stop drinking on his own, damn it.

“When was your last drink?”

“Last night.” He couldn’t prevent the next slip of honesty. “I’ve had some kind of drink every night for the last few years. When things get really bad, I drink myself into a blackout. I almost hurt someone else during one a few months ago.”

“Driving?”

“No.” No way was he delving into details about his night with Ezra. Carey was the stereotypical WASP and as straight and boring as they came—drinking problem aside.

Carey studied him a moment. “So you admit you have a problem.”

“I suppose.”

“When you go home tonight, are you going to drink?”

He thought of the bourbon in his cabinet and the beer in his fridge. “Probably.”

Carey took a business card out of his wallet and handed it to James. “You figure maybe you don’t want that drink tonight, but you aren’t sure you can say no, call me.”

“So does this mean you’re my sponsor now?” James didn’t mean for all of the snide sarcasm his tone carried.
I’m an asshole.

It slid right off Carey. “You’re Nathan’s best friend. We’ve worked a lot of cases together, and he’s good people. He’s also got enough going on without dealing with you going through the DTs if you decide to dry out.”

Dry out. The idea of going cold turkey terrified James. Detoxing was good in theory, but it was an entirely new animal when it was happening to your body.

Nate deserves it. I deserve it.

The final thought made James stammer out, “I, uh, may take you up on this.”

“No expiration date. Call whenever, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

At three thirty Sunday morning, when James’s hands were shaking so badly he could barely hit the correct numbers on his phone, he called Wallace Carey for help.

The best thing about Nate’s parents was they didn’t question his unexpected arrival Saturday afternoon. They fixed him a late lunch, filled him in on the family gossip and then they dragged him over to Nana’s house to see her newest horse. He didn’t ride the pretty mare, but he enjoyed watching his three younger cousins do the honors of trotting her around the corral.

A late dinner at Nana’s had been a little uncomfortable with so much family around, but Nate endured because they loved him. And no one cared that he’d dropped in after only having been gone for two weeks.

His world had changed, and his family accepted it without question.

He spent most of his time thinking. James hadn’t called or texted him again once Nate broke down and sent back a message that yes, he was okay, and he was visiting his parents. The voice mail from James had insisted Elliott slept on the couch, and that they hadn’t had sex. Nate believed him, and he was grateful for the time he had to collect his thoughts.

Nate went to church on Sunday morning with his parents, finding solace in the small gathering and in the grace of the female minister. He loved that they attended an open-minded church, and were taught love and joy, rather than condemnation and hate. It would make the inevitable conversation that much easier.

He hadn’t said it out loud to the person who needed to hear it, but he was very much in love with James. Head over ass in love, and he couldn’t keep hiding it. It was hurting James, making him doubt their relationship. Saying it out loud made it real. It changed what they’d always had, which was a true friendship, into something more meaningful.

It made them partners. James deserved that commitment. In many ways, he’d already made it to Nate.

After lunch at the Oak Orchard Diner, Nate spirited his mother and father away to the beach. He still renewed the State Parks membership tag on his truck every year, so they went to the beach at Cape Henlopen. Even in mid-September, the Sunday crowd was fairly thick, and they had to walk a ways to the Pointe before the vacationers thinned out.

He watched the ocean for a few minutes, absorbing the familiar crash and spray of the waves. Inhaling the salty air. Enjoying the stickiness it left on his exposed skin. So peaceful and never-ending.

“Sweetheart?” Mom asked. She flanked his left, Dad on his right, neither of them hiding their concern. “Are you all right?”

“I am,” Nate said. “I really am. It was great going back to work, and returning to my old life. This was something I needed to tell you both in person.”

“You can tell us anything.” She clutched his hand.

“I fell in love with someone. Actually, I started having feelings for them a long time ago, but I convinced myself I was wrong. I buried it deep down and forgot about it until recently.

Something changed, and I told them the truth. We’re in love, Mom. Dad.”

“Well, that’s unexpected,” Dad said. He seemed more surprised than anything else. “So why all the fuss with telling us?”

Nate’s heart slammed into his ribs. The air in his lungs contracted. He forced a deep breath before he could say, “Because it’s James.”

“What’s James?”

“James and I are in love, and we’re in a relationship.”

Dad frowned and tilted his head. Mom’s shock shifted quickly, turning into a matter-of-fact delight.

“Well, now, I’d be lying if I said this was a complete and utter surprise,” Mom said.

Nate blinked. “Really?”

“You boys have always been so close, sweetheart. And sometimes he looked at you and he didn’t hide his feelings really well, not when he thought no one was looking.”

“So this means you’re gay?” Dad asked, so perfectly befuddled Nate almost felt sorry for him.

“I’m not sure. Maybe so. I’ve never been overtly attracted to other men. Only James. It’s only ever been James. If that makes me gay, then I’m gay.”

“Love is love,” Mom said. “I’ve always worried about you being alone. I used to pray for God to send you a good woman to settle you down and make you happy. I suppose I’ve been asking for the wrong kind all along.”

“Nah, God sent me James a long time ago, Mom. It just took us both a lot of years to finally see it.”

“I admit, it’s going to take some getting used to, especially for the rest of the family.”

“They’ll follow your lead.” Nate turned to face his dad, who’d been quiet for too long.

“Dad?”

Dad pinned him with the intense, dark-eyed gaze of the Wolf family. “Can’t say as I understand it very well.”

“I’m not asking you to understand or accept it right away. All I ask is that you trust me when I say this is what I want.”

“Being with a man?”

“Being with James, Dad. He makes me feel safe again.”

He didn’t reply, only turned and walked back down the beach. Nate watched him go, unsettled by the quiet departure. No one had yelled or condemned him, so that was a plus. But his father had walked away.

“I think this surprises him more than me,” Mom said. She tugged him into the kind of full-bodied hug only mothers could master, seemingly everywhere at once, trying to protect him from the world. “You’re very lucky to have found someone, you know. Man or woman, all I want is you to be with someone who will take care of you.”

“We try to take care of each other.” He wasn’t doing the best job of it this weekend. First the fight, and then leaving the city entirely on a wave of jealousy that had probably sent James into a drunken stupor last night.

No. James’s drinking problem wasn’t his fault. James chose to get drunk.

I didn’t exactly stick around to make sure he didn’t.

“I’m going home in a little while,” Nate said. Even after leaving southern Delaware for the city, he’d thought of his parent’s house as home. Today he knew, for the first time, that home was with James.

“Going back to him?”

“Yes. This trip wasn’t exactly planned.”

“Of course, sweetheart. May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How are your nightmares?”

His heart tripped. “Better when he’s with me. I’m seeing a very good therapist. I feel like I’m making progress.”

“Good.” She shifted her free hand to his chest, right over his heart. “Now that this is settled—” she touched his temple, “—perhaps this will find its way too.”

“I hope so.”

They hugged again before beginning the long trek back to the car. Nate left a bit of anxiety behind on the surf that day. He’d come out to his parents. Soon he would tell the guys at the station. He didn’t know if he was gay, bisexual or if it really mattered. Love didn’t need a label.

All he knew was that he loved James, and he couldn’t wait to get home and tell him so.

It’s been a long time coming, babe. A long damned time.

Monday morning came too slowly for Nate’s taste. He’d spent part of the night staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. After his phone call to James asking for a face-to-face had ended in James begging off, Nate was restless. Granted, James had sounded like shit warmed over, so the excuse of being sick didn’t feel like a lie. Nate couldn’t tell if it was legit sick or a hangover, so he didn’t fight.

They did agree to a late dinner at Nate’s place that night, after his appointment with Dr.

Sands.

The department’s attempt to lure their serial rapist out of hiding over the weekend ended up a bust. After an early meeting in Danvers’s office, they all agreed to keep Pfieffer undercover for a while longer—mostly because of Carey’s bullheaded persistence. Pfieffer was game. Most of his daylight time was spent lazing around a cheap rented room, and then hanging out with legit streetwalkers at night. Surveillance was light in the daytime because Pfieffer had nowhere to go except to the corner store for food or drinks, so it wouldn’t tax the department too much.

It was a gamble they were all willing to take.

The lack of progress hung over Carey like a thundercloud, and by lunchtime, Nate couldn’t stand it anymore. He dragged Carey down the block to a local deli for lunch. Nate had always preferred patronizing locally owned restaurants, rather than tossing his cash to chains.

The girl behind the counter knew them both by name, and all Carey had to say was “the usual.”

Nate took his time deciding, trying not to wonder if all of the other patrons were staring at his scars, and eventually settled on an Italian sub with all the fixings, including their house specialty—pickled red onions. He’d just brush his teeth before James came over.

“Level with me, will you?” Nate asked once they’d found a booth near the back.

“About what?” Carey picked at his roast beef and rye as though it had offended him in some way.

“We’ve worked cases before. Hell, we’ve worked murders and rapes before, but I get the feeling you’re taking this personally. More personally than me, even, and that’s saying something.”