Resurrection (20 page)

It was on that day that Maddie became conscious of how much she wanted to postpone her marriage. She loved Rayn with all of her heart, but there was so much she needed to understand about herself. She knew it would be unfair to him to push forward with this. Rayn would not be happy about this; undoubtedly, this would hurt him immensely. Maddie knew she had to act, and act fast, before things were at the point of no return.

* * * * *

Maddie paced around her room, wearing holes in the rugs, while she nervously waited for Rayn to arrive. She dreaded this upcoming conversation because she knew it was going to intensely hurt him. She wrung her hands, trying to expel her anxiety. She had rehearsed this, time and again in her head, trying to talk herself out of this decision to no avail. In the depths of her heart, she realized this was the right thing to do. She darted another glance out the window to see if there was any sign of his arrival.

She finally plopped herself down on the side of her bed. She hadn’t slept well in several days due to this decision of hers, and the lack of sleep was evident in the deep purple hues beneath her eyes. She hoped and prayed Rayn would forgive her and maybe try to understand. She dropped her head to the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to alleviate the throbbing in her temples.

Without warning, the door to her chambers burst open, and Rayn was at her side in a millisecond. She doubted she would ever get used to his inhuman speed. She also felt her guilt increase a hundred fold.

“What is it? I was told you needed to see me and that it was urgent. Are you okay? You’re not ill, are you?” he anxiously inquired, as he took her into his arms.

“No, I’m not sick, Rayn. I’m fine, physically, that is,” she answered, leaning away from him.

“Then, what is it? You do not look like you are fine. You look extremely stressed. Are you sure you are okay?” he persisted.

His concern cut into her heart, and his worried expression nearly brought her to tears. She thought how easy it would be for them both to just continue on this course, but then, she knew she couldn’t do it.

She quickly rose to her feet and said, “I need to discuss something with you—something that you’re not going to like. It’s something that you may even hate me for,” she whispered.

Rayn stood next to her and took her hands in his. She looked into his eyes and saw the concern; no, it was more like fear reflecting back to her.
He knows
, she thought.
He knows what I am getting ready to tell him.

“Are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess or intrude on your thoughts?” he asked pointedly.

She detected an edge to his voice, one that was normally never present, even in the worst of times. Her Rayn was always so calm and collected, never letting anything upset him. She could feel his distress; it was palpable.

She drew in a shaky breath and began, “I cannot marry you right now.”

She cast her eyes downward, not daring to look at him because she knew it would destroy her resolve.

“I love you with everything I possess, but I feel like I have been thrown into a whole new life, which truly I have, and I must explore this new world I am a part of before I can give myself completely to you. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I don’t do this. I have so much to learn about your world, which is now my world, about my family and myself, and about how I fit into all of this. I know this is where I belong; I already feel an attachment to Vesturon. I feel attached to my grandparents as well. I know I don’t have to tell you how attached I am to you and your family. But there is so much more for me to explore and learn. I have to do this, Rayn. Please understand. I still want to marry you. You
own
my heart and soul, and I love you more than anything. But I need to do this first. I need to get to know Maddie again, as a Vesturion. I only hope and pray that you can find it in your heart to understand. I also hope and pray you will wait for me. I’m sorry I’m rambling, but I had to get this all out.”

Only when she finished was she able to look at Rayn.

Maddie’s heart nearly broke with the anguish written all over his face. To say he was devastated was an understatement. She reached out to him, but he stood and backed away. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of her, but he wouldn’t allow her to touch him.

“Oh, Sunshine, it is not what you think. You cannot touch me now because I do not want you to feel the pain I am currently experiencing. I would impart that to you, and I do not want that. I guess I should have expected this, with all of your hesitation and your emotional ups and downs as of late. I do understand you; I truly do. I guess I was hoping that you could explore and grow and learn about yourself with me by your side, teaching you and learning about you as well. Is there not any way I can persuade you to change your mind? I will not beg you; I am simply asking.”

Maddie shook her head and said, “My decision is made. I am so sorry for this, Rayn.”

Rayn could read Maddie’s distress and didn’t doubt for a moment that she was miserable over all of this.

He nodded and asked, “Where do we go from here?”

She was silent for a moment, and then, she opened up the subject of her moving in with her grandparents. She wanted to learn all about her family tree, and she had so many questions for them. She also wanted to see Rayn every day. What she wanted more than anything was for him to decide for her.

“I cannot make those decisions for you. That is something only you can do. I want you to know that I will support you in every way, whatever you decide. I will also tell you that I am not going to give up on us. I will give you your space and time, but I will not rest until you and I are united as one.” He nearly growled this out to her, so she knew how serious about this he was.

He stalked around the room for a few minutes while Maddie watched. She knew he was either thinking about something or trying to get a hold of his emotions, or a combination of both. He finally stopped and approached her with his unnatural speed.

He put his hand on the back of her neck and roughly pulled her to him. He cupped her cheek with his other hand and bent his head down and forcefully captured her lips in his. His kiss caught her by surprise and nearly melted her on the spot. The electric current that existed between them came to life, igniting both of them.

He kissed her fervently, as if he were to trying to etch the kiss in his memory. He had never kissed her like this before. This was no gentle exploration, but instead, it was a ravaging of her mouth, taking every possible bit of passion from her. His lips left hers and traveled down to the curve of her neck. He buried his face there, breathing in her essence. Then, he slid his tongue along the length of it, painting a path of swirls as he inched along. Maddie was on fire from his invasion of her senses. Several minutes passed before he lifted his head and sought out her eyes. He saw the paths of her tears on her cheeks. With the pads of his thumbs, he wiped them away.

He drew an unsteady breath and swore, “Bloody hell, I do not have to tell you that I care not for this. I know you feel that. I love you, Maddie. I will always love you until this life of mine ends. I will wait for as long as you need. Whenever you are ready, just say the word.” He released her and made his way to the door.

“Rayn, wait! We still need to figure everything out.” She wanted to have her plans in place before he left. She didn’t count on what he did next.

“Maddie, I said I would wait, but I never said that I would make this easy on you. You have to decide what to do next. That is your decision to make, not mine. One other thing: you need to tell my family about your decision. They have a right to know.”

The shock was written all over Maddie. She hadn’t thought of his family throughout all of this. She agreed with him in that it should be her responsibility to tell his family; after all, it was her decision.

“You’re right. It is my duty to tell them, and I will. Would it be too much to ask you to be there when I tell them?”

She knew how it would pain him. She didn’t want him to carry any responsibility for this decision, nor did she want him to suffer any humiliation because of it. She didn’t expect him to agree to this. After all, she was making him look like a fool, but she owed it to him and his family to fill them in on everything.

“Maddie, I find it exceedingly difficult to believe that you do not understand this by now. I would walk through fire for you. Did you not think I would be there with you?” Rayn was curious to hear her answer. He wanted her to understand that this decision of hers changed nothing about his feelings for her. “I will always be by your side, no matter what. I will always come to you when you need me. I will always be there for you.”

“I hate that I’m doing this to you. Can you ever forgive me?” She wondered how she would be handling this if the situation were reversed.

“You would, without a doubt, do the same for me,” he said, reading her thoughts. “And there is nothing to forgive. Above all, I want your happiness, and if this is what it takes, so be it.”

She grimaced and said, “I never wanted to hurt you, and I’m glad you don’t hate me for this. I feel like such a jerk. You are so kind and forgiving. I wish you would yell at me or something.” The longer she was around Rayn, the more she was amazed by his strength and integrity.

He thought about that for a minute, and then, he slowly responded, “Maddie, you have to do what is right for you. I am not angry with you. Hurt, yes, but not angry. Although, I cannot seem to comprehend why you must do this on your own. I would love to share all of your new experiences with you, and I have truly wanted to be the one to help you to explore this new world of yours. I also greatly anticipated getting to know your grandparents and learning more about you as a person. I am enchanted and awed by everything that is Maddie right now. I know I will be even more enchanted by the individual you will no doubt grow to be, but for the life of me, it is nearly impossible for me to understand why we cannot do it as a team.” Rayn abruptly stopped speaking raked his hand through his hair and turned away from her.

Maddie stepped toward him when his words stopped her from touching him. “Please, Maddie, I am trying to maintain some sense of dignity here. I would rather you not see me in this state.”

As he moved to leave, Maddie exclaimed, “Dear lord, Rayn, you are truly breaking my heart!”

Rayn responded none too gently, “Consider us even then, because you have ripped mine out and crushed it with your hand.” With that, he stormed out of her room.

Maddie desperately wanted to follow him, but she knew he needed to be alone for a moment. She would go to him later, after she sorted her thoughts and feelings out and gave him some time to do the same.

Maddie hesitatingly approached the living area where she had requested her meeting with the Yarrister family, eavesdropping on their bantering and lighthearted discussions. She stood by the door, perfectly poised to drop the proverbial bomb. She didn’t hear Rayn’s deep voice, so she knew he hadn’t arrived yet. Better to wait out here for him so that she wouldn’t be expected to answer any uncomfortable questions she knew should be directed at her. She deserved every one of them too.

Rayn turned the corner and saw her from a distance. He didn’t have to see her to realize how agitated she was over this upcoming announcement of hers; he could feel her emotional distress. While he wanted nothing more than to comfort her, there was a small part of him that wanted her to experience some pain from this. He still thought that all of this was unnecessary and that she was taking this to the extreme. He hadn’t spoken to her since the day she made him aware of her plans.

It had been difficult to stay away, but he needed to get his head on straight before he could move forward. As he continued to watch Maddie, he couldn’t help but think how lovely she looked, standing there with trepidation in her heart. Her coppery tresses were unusually disarrayed, and somehow, it was appropriate that they should be. It was as if they were directly linked to her thoughts. He was caught up in her luminescence, her ethereality of which she was completely unaware.

He began to slowly walk toward her, breathing in her scent. How he would miss feeling that every day. He prayed to the Deity that this soul searching of hers wouldn’t last too long. It would surely test him to the limit, of that he had no doubts.

“Have you been waiting long?” he whispered.

She shook her head negatively.

“Are you ready?”

“Ready to put this behind me. I only pray they won’t hate me,” she said, her voice shaking.

“Oh, ye of little faith. Like me, they could never hate you, Maddie. I am sure you will gain their support and understanding,” he replied, and he gave her hands a firm squeeze. “Just flash them one of your winning smiles, and you will have them all at your feet.”

She just looked at him with an arched brow.

He held her hand as they walked in the room, and for just a minute, Maddie wished she hadn’t made this decision of hers, wished that she could turn back the hands of time, before she even brought any of this up. Better yet, she wished a giant hole would open up and swallow her, and fast.

As all eyes in the room turned their focus to her, she began to speak. The words, slow and hesitant at first, picked up momentum and tumbled from her lips like an out of control locomotive. She couldn’t look any of them in the eye, for she feared what she would see. Ironically, the reaction she was most concerned about was Xarrid’s. He had so mistrusted her from the start, and now she felt like he would pass judgment by saying, “I told you so!”

When she finished, she looked up at Rayn, then at Sharra, Xarrid, Tesslar, and finally at Therron and Rykerian. She felt the wetness of her tears, and her vision blurred. She positively hated herself when she cried at times like these. She was never one who liked showing any weaknesses.

“I know you all must think I am a horrid person for doing this. It’s not that I don’t want to marry Rayn. I very much want that. I just need some time to understand how I am going to fit into this new world, my new world. I want to explore that before I begin my life with Rayn.” With that, she spun on her heel and fled from the room.