Retail Hell (36 page)

No clue what she was talking about.

Her self-proclaimed photographic memory seemed to be crashing.

ME:
“I’m sorry, ma’am, we’ve never had anything like that.”

CUSTOMER:
“It was right here on the counter. I saw it last week!”

ME:
“Perhaps you were in another store.”

In Big Fancy Retail Hell I found there was only one way to deal with a Black Stripe Purple Dot Hallucinating Psycho Bitch customer like this.

Tell her she’s right.

But you were.
That’s
what smoking too much angel dust does.

Because I’m such a service-giver to those Always Right Customers, I offered to go above and beyond.

Whether you’re a Retail Slave or not, one thing we all have in common as humans is that at some point or another, we are
all
customers. Whether we’re looking for shampoo, cheeseburgers, designer shoes, or fishing rods, there will come a time when we need to go in search of stuff.

Having experienced hell as both a salesperson and customer, I’ve put together a few Do’s and Don’ts to make your shopping experience one that doesn’t end up feeling like a root canal. You don’t want to end up the joke of the day in a store breakroom, or even worse, the subject of someone’s angry rant on a blog somewhere.

Know what to DO as a good customer and when to keep your douchebag customer in check with a DON’T!

DO
smile and say hello after a store greeter has acknowledged you are an actual person and offered up a friendly, “Hello. How are you today?”

DON’T
act like you don’t speak English, turn your head away, and walk by silently as if greeters are dead people you can’t see. When you have a question or need help, you might just become dead people
they
can’t see.

DO
use shopping sense when you need assistance. Example: You’re in the hardware department and you see someone wearing a uniform, nametag, and headset doing stock work. Walk up, say hello, and ask an appropriate question (e.g.: “Where are the hammers?”).

DON’T
be a dumbass and ask, “Excuse me, do you work here?” followed by asking an equally annoying question in the hardware department: “Do you know where I can find cherry red lipgloss?”

DO
be friendly, polite, and patient. You’ll reap rewards you didn’t know existed. People behind the counter have the golden key to your savings and shopping experience. Kissing their ass will get them to use it for you.

DON’T
be a Bitchista. Otherwise, no discounts or mentions of upcoming sales for you! Your douchey rude ass took care of that. Remember: Nice customers
always
walk away with the best service and deals from a store.

DO
go shopping in a decent mood and with a sense of respect for humanity. The people working at stores and restaurants do have brains and some may even be smarter than you. Being condescending will only encourage them to use those brains to find a way to give you the worst service possible.

DON’T
go shopping when you’re in a rush, off your meds, feeling frisky, stricken with swine flu, hours away from giving birth, seeking psychotherapy, or basically feeling like you want to kill someone. You are not making a contribution to society going out in the world like this. Stay home and shop online.

DO
shop with your cell phone. Text and chat away as long you’re not disturbing the peace by loudly discussing your mother’s bowel movements or blocking busy aisles while texting like a teenage girl.

DON’T
yammer away on your cell while being waited on! End that call. NOW! And the same goes for texting. Retail Slaves everywhere are fed up with rude cell phone behavior and have been known to actually stop helping customers who are engaged in cell calls.

DO
be an amazing parent by paying attention to your children every moment you’re in the store. Administer parental discipline when they start to turn into Hell Spawn and throw shoes like they’re baseballs and run up and down the escalator.

DON’T
be a shitty parent by turning your back and pretending you don’t hear the screaming or loud crashes from two aisles over. Watching your little monsters will save you from dirty looks, paying for destroyed merch, lawsuits, being banned from the store, and having to explain to the police why you were shopping for frilly underthings at Victoria’s Secret while your kids were destroying
Twilight
books at the Barnes & Noble across the street.

DO
save your receipts for returning!!! Consumers are constantly complaining about returns. The only problem with a return is when you DON’T HAVE A RECEIPT! Save your receipts, people! Or expect to fight like Rocky and then be told NO when you try to demand a refund for your pastastained dress.

DON’T
throw a freaky merchandise-throwing tantrum and expect a store to magically recognize you and the merchandise even though you’ve lost all your receipts. You might get your refund after your diva-like meltdown, but be warned. Someone in line behind you may have captured the moment on her iPhone. Yes, your shopping shit-storm could end up on YouTube.

DO
be a Conscientious Shopper. Put merchandise back where it belongs so the next customer can find it, be careful about shopping with food, and ask for assistance if you want to see what’s inside an item.

DON’T
be a Piggy Shopper, with a taco in one hand and a slushy in the other, dumping stuff where it doesn’t belong, throwing clothes on the floor, tearing open packages, and basically ruining merchandise like you are a descendant of King Kong.

DO
exhibit good fitting room etiquette, which includes returning clothes to the attendant hanging or folded properly. These actions help the merchandise reach the floor quicker.

DON’T
be a Piggy Shopper and dump clothes in a pile like they’re dirty laundry, hang them inside out, leave behind dirty diapers and bloody tampons, or treat the fitting room like it’s your own personal food court, motel, or toilet.

DO
read merchandise signs and tags. Ask the sales associate to explain discounts and markdowns that are confusing to you. Shopping illiteracy is at an all-time high and is the cause of MAJOR Retail Hell for slaves and customers alike.

DON’T
be an annoying Discount Rat and ask for discounts when there are clearly none offered. Unless the store is closing down for good, the ENTIRE store is never on sale, so don’t bother asking.

DO
have your form of payment ready when it comes time to pay. It will make the line move faster and you’ll get on your way faster!

DON’T
wait till the salesperson is staring at you to retrieve your credit card, which is buried at the bottom of your handbag like an Indiana Jones lost treasure.

DO
rush into a store right before closing, grab what you need, and be at the register when the closing announcement is made.

DON’T
continue shopping after that announcement, demand a makeover, and expect personalized attention for as long as you desire. You are interfering with sales associates’ lives because they are now forced to change their plans due to your indecision and rudeness. As a result, you’ll receive rushed, bad service. And guess what? You’re an inconsiderate ass who deserves it!

1.
At the beginning of Act 1, a greasy hobbit-like customer demands to return a beat-up Ferragamo handbag with her dirty bra inside.

If you work in retail, what’s the worst return you’ve ever experienced? Have you ever tried to return something to a store you know you had no business trying to return?

2.
As I train to become a sales associate at The Big Fancy, I am forced to climb eight flights of stairs every day, attend migraine-inducing pep rallies, and follow the insane direction of a store manager who acts like a psychotic Snow White on acid.

What kind of annoying procedures have you had to endure at your job? How do you handle a high-strung boss who should be taking meds? What rules at your workplace do you think are ridiculous?

3.
When I was hired by The Big Fancy to sell handbags, I didn’t know the difference from a mock-croc hobo or a lambskin clutch and I quickly learned to never use the p-word!

What kind of handbag do you carry? If money was no object, what bag would you buy? What a woman keeps in her handbag says a lot about her personality — what’s inside your handbag?

4.
In Act 2, readers meet the boisterous and foul-mouthed Lorraine Goldberg, who quickly becomes my own personal Shoposaurus on steroids with an insatiable appetite to buy everything in sight and stock up as if the world is about to end in ten minutes.

If you work in retail, do you have an over-the-top customer like Lorraine? Are you a Shoposaurus? Do you buy stuff you don’t need and consider yourself a future candidate for the TV show
Hoarders
?

5.
It doesn’t matter whether you work in a shoe store, a fast food restaurant, or at the library, the ways people can cause Retail Hell are universal. A few of the customers I tell hellacious tales about are Piggy Shoppers, Discount Rats, Picky Bitches, and Nasty-Ass Thieves.

What customer archetypes have you had to deal with? How did you handle them? Would you ever compare yourself to one of them?

6.
Act 3 opens on one of Big Fancy’s sales events with the familiar scene of two women feuding over the last fugly sale bag. We all love to get shit on sale, but let’s face it: Sales are not only brutal to work, they can also be brutal to shop.

What do you hate most about working or shopping a big sale? Have you ever fought another customer for the last one? Do you have a haggling story, either as a sales associate or customer?

7.
Unruly children (aka Hell Spawn) are one of the worst nightmares sales associates face. Although the story of a child humping my leg like a poodle in heat was the scariest experience I’ve ever had, I’ve witnessed all kinds of demon behavior from little monsters.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen a Hell Spawn do? Is it okay for a sales associate to use a disciplinary tone when stopping a child from doing something dangerous or destructive? Have your kids ever done anything in a store that embarrassed you? How did you react?