Return to Me (6 page)

     “It would help if you sat down.” She raised her voice to be heard over the sloshing of the bathroom faucet.

     “Sorry doll, it’s freezing out there. Is there any coffee?”

     “Yes, but it’s not made-“ She broke off; he was already moving toward the kitchen, making a bee line for the coffee pot that graced the chipped and faded Formica countertop.

     “That’s okay, I’ll make it
.” He fixed the coffee, then took a mug down from the shelf and filled it full with the steaming dark brew before turning to face her, one hip leaning casually against the sink. “What’s up?”

     “Well, I’ve been thinking.” She stammered, unsure of how to proceed now that she finally had his full attention.

     “This doesn’t sound good.” He remarked, his expression neutral. She wasn’t fooled by his practiced nonchalance. The almost imperceptible tightening of his fingers around the mug didn’t escape her notice, but then, not much about him did.

     She wished she could say the same about him but the sad truth was she’d felt all but invisible to him since they’d arrived in Alaska. Her head dropped forward and she drew a deep breath as though preparing herself to face a firing squad.

     “I’m leaving.” She exhaled, her gaze falling away from his stunned expression. She felt like the worst kind of coward for deserting him. It seemed like that was all she was good for, running out on those closest to her and the knowledge weighed heavy on her heart. She suddenly lost any and all desire for coffee, despite the fact that this was Alaska and a hot drink was always a welcome respite from the bitter cold that seemed to seep into everything. She wished there was a cure for the chill that, as of late, permeated the deepest corners of her heart.

     “You’re….leaving.” He repeated slowly, his own drink forgotten on the aging countertop. “To the store?”

     “No.” She steeled herself against the horrible feelings that welled up inside her aching chest.

     “For a walk then?”

     “For good. I’m leaving Alaska.”

     “The hell with Alaska.” He blustered, “You’re leaving me, is that it?”

     “Yes.” She nodded, the acrid taste of fear filling her mouth. It wasn’t that she was physically afraid of Erik. She just hated confrontation. Her gaze darted away from him and her pulse quickened in anticipation of the argument she felt was sure to come.

     “Why?” He seemed to make an effort to curb his temper.

     “I’m not happy here.” She pressed her lips together, unwilling to say anything more, hoping against all odds that she wouldn’t have to and for long moments, she didn’t. He continued to stare at her as if she were a total stranger, someone he no longer knew. She supposed that might be very close to the truth-and mutual. She was beginning to feel like she didn’t know who
he
was anymore either.

     “You can’t be serious.”

     “I’m sorry.”

     “Yeah,” H
is lips curled, “You look real sorry, standing there like a damn statue.” He bristled. “What the hell happened to you? Where is this coming from?”

     “You don’t understand.” She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her waist. “I’m not…cut out for this.”

     “You’re not cut out for what?” He frowned.

     "This!" Paige exploded, coyness
momentarily ditched faster than yesterday’s news. "The cold, the isolation, the loneliness-all of this. I can’t
do
this anymore."

     "It's been three weeks." He argued.

     "Three weeks of loneliness and doubt and fear." She retorted, lashes sweeping down to cover brown eyes where the uncertainty warred once again.

     "You've been lonely most of your life, and you'd be even more scared back home with
Denmari than you can possibly be here in the wilderness with me." His hands clenched at his sides.

     Paige said nothing, simply gasped at his uncharacteristically callous statement.

     "Hell. Honey, I'm sorry. That was insensitive wasn’t it?" Erik raked a hand through his hair and smiled ruefully at his companion. "I didn’t mean that."

     "It's okay." Her response was automatic, borne from years of acquiescence.

     "No, Paige, it most certainly is not okay. God, you're such a doormat." He shook his head, stomping over to where she stood, boots thumping heavily on hard wood. "Come here, sweetie, I'm sorry."

     "We need to go back." She insisted through the l
ayers of cotton t-shirt that were pressed against her nose and mouth.

     "I don’t know,
maybe you're right. I hate to admit defeat, but...
"
He pushed her back to look down into her face. “I can’t stand to see you unhappy.”

     "It's not defeat, not necessarily. We'll both be eighteen in less than a year. Surely we can make it till then, right?"

     "If you'd asked me a month ago I probably would have said no, but now..." He shook his head and tightened his arms around her.

     “It’s harder than we thought.” Paige was realistically glum.

     “You might say that.” Erik sighed. “I wasn’t late last night because I was working. The truth is I got lost and nearly got mauled by a giant bear. It was a narrow escape, Paige, let me tell you. Do you know how hard it is to run through snow drifts in below zero temperatures? It’s not as easy as it looks.”

     “Then it must be next to impossible because it doesn’t look all that easy to me. And it
is
cold here.” She agreed
.
"But, if it helps, you don't look any the worse for wear."

     “
Damn right it is-and thanks, even though I know you’re lying.”

     “You know, there’s not much to do here. That’s another thing to consider.”

     “There is that. Of course if I were a straight man, I’m sure we could find plenty to do during the long, cold nights.”

     “But you’re not.” She sighed, the hint of a smile on her lips.

     “Sorry about that, cookie.” He grinned with real affection.

     “Don’t worry, you know I love you for who you are. Always have, always will.”

     “Yeah you have.” He said softly. “Too bad my own family can’t do the same.”         “I understand.”

     “They don’t.”

     “Maybe they do, they’re just having a hard time coming to terms with the idea. Maybe they just need more time.”

     “And maybe they’ve paid so little attention to their only son that they don’t know who I am. Like Denmari.”

     “Yeah,” She nodded, her lip curling at the mention of her step-father. “But Giovanni Denmari isn’t my real father. I guess it’s just different.”

     “He treats you like crap.”

     “Yeah.” Another sigh.

     “You don’t deserve it.”

     “Neither do you.”

     “So what happens now?”

     “We go back home and finish school and we walk away. Walk, not run.” She emphasized. “We follow our dreams and we never look back.”

     “You make it sound easy.”

     “True. It probably won’t be, but it’s got to be better than freezing to death out here and getting attacked by wild animals every time we leave the cabin. And eventually we’re going to run out of money, Erik. I just don’t see how…”

     “This can work.” He finished, ruffling her dark hair. “You’re making sense. Out of the two of us, you’re the only who has been over the last month. I can’t believe I dragged you out here.”

     “You didn’t hold a gun to my head.” She reminded him. “I wanted to leave too, but I’m starting to think that this isn’t the way. And freedom is so close at hand, really. It doesn’t always feel like it, but it is.” Paige said, mildly surprised to find that she honestly felt like she spoke the truth. Only a few weeks ago, independence had been a million light years away
…
She sent up a quick prayer asking God to forgive her for her momentary lack of faith, before returning her attention to the man before her.

     “That’s easy for you to say.” Erik was saying. “You’re supposed to leave in two weeks for school. I, on the other hand, will be stuck in Helena.”

     “Maybe you could come with me?”

     “And do what? Dress in drag?” He cracked, gesturing to his tall broad form and masculine features.

     “I meant, smartass, that you could go to the boys’ school across town. It’s Catholic, but…”

     “I’ll think about it.”

     “That’s a no, right?”

     “More or less. Sorry.”

     “Well I’m not planning on going to a Catholic college…” She smiled, reaching around him to pour herself a fresh mug of coffee.

     “Then count me in
, babe. So-we go back and tough it out for the rest of the year?”

     “That’s the plan.” She winced when the burning hot liquid scorched her tongue and blazed a trail down her throat.

     “Then it’s settled. We leave tomorrow. But tonight, tonight is ours. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?” His blue eyes sparkled as he held her gaze.

     “You mean in the middle of the night, in the freezing cold, in the middle of Alaska?”

     “Yeah.” He grinned, his reckless by nature charm infectious.

     “Gee, that’s a hard one. We played in the snow the first night we came here. We even made snow angels. I just don’t know what could possibly be left to do.”

     “We could moon bathe.”

     “We’ll get pneumonia.”

     “Then what about skinny-sledding?”

     “Eeew.” She grimaced. “And ouch. Bad idea Erik.”

     “Midnight laser tag in the snow?”

     “Hmmm. Well it sounds better than skinny sledding.” Paige grinned, running for the bedroom they shared and the small pen light tipped laser pointers Erik had kept in his knapsack since the seventh grade. She unzipped the bag, reached into the inside pocket and pulled out the pens, tossing one to
him on her way out the door.

     “Race you!”

Four years later…

     Autumn in Montana is a sight to behold. Rich foliage weaves a magical spell of green, gold, orange, and red so deep it looks like rubies have been sprinkled along the lush tree line. This show of color and beauty was probably the singular most
thing that Paige had missed about her home state.

     Sometimes the longing had become an
unbelievably acute ache deep in her chest, during the years she’d spent at the university. She could still vividly recall the hours she'd spent listening to the discordant sounds of traffic and people and life that seemed to go on in a continuous loop far below her fourth floor window; the culture shock had made her wistful at times for the solitude of the wild country home she’d left behind.

     But the one thing she had never been was lonely. Erik had seen to that. When she had transferred to Chicago for her last year of school, Erik had followed, and later, when he had decided New York was the perfect place for his advertising agency, she had conveniently snagged a job in the Big Apple, this time following
him
half way across the country.

     By the time Paige received the call about her stepfather’s untimely, or slow in coming-depending how you looked at it-death, the pattern of lead and follow between the two had become so firmly ingrained that it seemed perfectly natural for her oldest and dearest friend to pack a bag and book the adjoining seat on the redeye flight she caught a mere sixteen hours later. She hadn’t wanted to go, initially. Denmari had done little more than wreck her and her mother’s lives and the money could go to the state of Montana for all she cared.
It had been Erik, in a rare bout of sensibility, who had calmly reminded her that Denmari's estate was her family heritage, passed down from her grandmother to her mother and now, finally, to Paige herself.

     "Think of your mother. Do this for her. Do it for yourself."

     And loathe as she was to return to the city of Helena and that turbulent chapter of her life, no matter her love of the land and the quiet, there was no denying that what Erik said made good sense. And after a much needed reflection, Paige realized that had her inheritance been only money, she would have gladly let it go unclaimed, given it away, stuffed it in a piñata-anything to avoid going back home. But as it was, much more than dollars and cents were at stake. Her family-her true family, not the mockery it had become since Denmari had entered their lives-was on the line. She imagined her gentle, sweet mother doing pirouettes in her grave at the thought of her only daughter leaving her family estate to neglect and eventual ruin.

     Once the decision was made, there was no going back, and besides, Paige reasoned, Erik probably wouldn’t let her back out even if she’d been inclined to do so. Which she wasn’t. No, she made up her mind in a relatively short amount of time to return to Helena, settle the accounts tied to the estate, and methodically wipe every trace of Denmari from the house. His scent, his belongings, all of it would be gone before she returned to New York or her name wasn’t Paige Frey.