Revive Me (40 page)

Tessa

I
looked up from my laptop sitting next to the stack of textbooks, to find my mom pulling out a chair across from me and sitting down.

“I have something for you,” she said.

“What is it?” I asked, setting my pen down next to my Calculus notes. It was the last week of school, which meant finals, or hell week. I’d changed my classes back to the college credits like I’d planned, so I’d been spending every second studying. I was positive I had the material down, but I could never be too prepared. I’d be cramming until the teacher handed out the tests.

She rummaged through her purse and pulled out a large, white envelope, before slowly sliding it across the table. My stomach flipped as I looked down at the packet addressed to me. I looked at her in shock and then back at it. No, it couldn’t be. I grabbed the wafer-thin envelope, examining it in my hands to make sure it was real.

“How did you get this?” I asked.

An eager smile spread across her face. “I called them, told them you never received your letter, and they were happy to send you another,” she explained. Her crimson red lips grew wider as she squirmed in her chair.

I used my hands to straighten the envelope, smoothing out every wrinkle, before tracing the emblem in the left corner with my hands. Months ago, I’d destroyed an exact replica of it. It did nothing but remind me of my broken plans. It reminded me he wouldn’t be there with me. I didn’t want to know what was in it. I’d tossed it into the trashcan because I didn’t see it in my future anymore. I hadn’t decided what my plans were after graduation, but my parents agreed I could take a year off if I wanted.

I took a deep breath. “Let’s see what we’ve got,” I muttered, snatching it up quickly before I changed my mind and ripped it to shreds.

“I figured you’d be in here studying,” Dawson said, strolling into the kitchen in his work uniform. He was picking up every shift he could, sometimes even pulling doubles after school, because he wanted to save up for his own place. I insisted he could stay with us for as long as he wanted, but he’d shake his head and say that wasn't the future for him. Fear terrorized me every time we’d had the conversation. I knew Dawson would never leave me, but I didn’t understand why he wanted to move out so badly. I’d gotten so used to him being with me, it wouldn’t feel like home without him.

I got a whiff of garlic and cheese when his lips smacked into my cheek and he sat down beside me. He placed an order of breadsticks and cheese to me. “I figured you probably were too busy to remember to feed yourself,” he said. “Time for a break, baby.”

“You know me too well,” I said softly, my eyes darting back to the envelope. “Thanks.”

“So what’s going on?” he asked, scooting his chair closer to me and snagging a breadstick before taking a bite.

I grabbed the packet and showed it to him. He beamed as he read the name of the sender. “That’s awesome. That’s what you’ve always wanted. And it looks pretty big. They only send big shit if it means you got in.” He elbowed my side playfully. “Are you going to open it?”

I hesitated. The idea of traveling thousands of miles alone terrified me. Tanner was supposed to be at my side. And Daisy. She would’ve followed him anywhere. Suddenly, it dawned on me. It wasn’t fear of me going without Tanner anymore, it was fear of going without Dawson. Did I really want this? Was this my dream now? If I got in, would I go? I shut my eyes before slowly opening them back up to find waiting faces. I’d open it to please them, but I wasn’t going. I’d know I got into my dream college and that was enough for me now.

“I just don’t know if it’s the right plan for me anymore,” I said, sliding my finger against the opening of the letter and letting the words sink in. If Dawson wasn’t there, it wasn’t right for me.

“Why’s that?” My mom asked. “That’s your dream school, honey. You’ve talked about going there for years.”

“You already showed her the envelope?” my dad asked, joining us. He rested his briefcase on the kitchen island, loosened his tie, and sat down beside my mom. Great, this was becoming too much. I didn’t want all of these eyes on me when I told them I’d changed my mind. “I take it you haven’t opened it yet?”

I shook my head. “You’re right, it was my dream school, but my dreams and plans have changed.” What if I got stressed out there and had nobody? What if things got rough and I started cutting again? Or drinking? There’s always drinking in college.

“Then what’s the new dream?” Dawson asked.

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“What’s your new plan, babe?”

What were his plans?
The words were at the tip of my tongue, but they stayed there. I was too terrified to ask. His plan was to get his own place. We’d never discussed anything past that. I never brought it up because I was waiting on him to. I knew he couldn’t afford college and his mom still hadn’t talked to him, so she wouldn’t be any help. We’d talked about our future together, our babies and wedding, but we’d never talked about the near future. Our talks were only long-term plans.

He smiled and my mom began to tap her fingers against the table impatiently. Dawson smiled as he bent down and pulled something from his bag. I tightened my hold on the envelope when he held the object up in the air. “This is my plan,” he said, gripping a matching envelope in his hand. “As long as it’s still yours.”

“What?” I croaked out. I slowly touched it to make sure it was real. Yep, it was definitely real. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I applied at the beginning of the year, but I wasn’t genius enough to get an early acceptance like my brilliant girlfriend.” He nudged my shoulder. “I got mine a few months ago. I applied for a few scholarships and student loans then started putting thirty percent of each paycheck into a savings account.

“That’s why you’ve been working so much?” I asked, still in shock.

“I told you I needed my own place, but what I meant was our place.”

He’d done this for me. He wasn’t leaving me. He was joining me. He was grabbing my hand and taking every walk, leap, and run with me. He’d never leave me alone.

I stared into his bright blue eyes, and my imagination grew wild on the journey we were about to take. Excitement grew at my fingertips as I gripped the envelope firmly. This was happening. We were doing this. Those deep blues stared into mine, like he was reading my mind, and he smiled brightly.

My dad clapped his hands together. “So what do you think kids? Open the damn things so we can figure out whether we need to plan a trip to the east coast!”

Dawson pulled at his letter, and I froze up. Reality hit me. What if he didn’t get in? What if I didn’t get in and he did? He noticed my hesitation and stopped. “You don’t have to decide right now,” he whispered. “I’ll give you time to think about it.”

“No, I need to do this.” I handed him my envelope and snatched his. “You’re opening mine, and I’m opening yours.”

“Ready?” He asked and I nodded. “One, two, three.” We both ripped the edges of the envelope and frantically pulled out the packet of papers.

“Holy shit!” I yelped when I read the first line of the opening letter. “You got in!” I leaped up from my chair and started jumping up and down, but froze when I saw his face.

“What?” I asked suddenly. His face was blank and unreadable. “What?” I repeated, panic making its way to me.

“I’m sorry babe,” he began slowly, like he was looking for the right words.

“I didn’t get in?” I asked, feeling the tears coming. Oh my God, I didn’t get in.

“I’m sorry, but it looks like you’re stuck with me forever,” he said, grinning.

I smacked his shoulder. “You ass, you scared the shit out of me.” He got up from his chair, grabbed my face, and gave me a quick peck on the mouth. “I can’t wait to take this journey with you,” he whispered against my lips. “We’re going to college, baby.”

“Oh my God, we’ve got so much to do now. We need to start planning when we’re leaving. Is there a list of available classes because we’re accepting late? I need to figure out whether freshmen have to stay in dorms or if we can get a place together.”

I snatched the envelope from his hand and began to scramble through the papers. He grabbed my arm, stopping me, and laughed. “Babe, we’ll do that later. Now it’s time to celebrate.”

Tessa

“I
s this the last of it?” Dawson asked, stepping into my bedroom as I slid the tape gun across a box.

“Nope,” I answered, groaning as I picked it up, turned around, and shoved it into his hands. He grunted, nearly dropping it in surprise, but squatted down to save it just in time.

“No?” He dropped the box in the hallway where boxes were stacked, and came back. “There’s like fifteen boxes out there.”

“Just one more for shoes and handbags.” I grabbed a few pairs of shoes sitting on my bed and tossed them into the last open box.

“You already have a box of shoes and handbags,” he pointed out, jerking his head towards the hallway.

“You can never have enough shoes and handbags.” I taped the box, settled it onto the floor, and collapsed onto my bed over a pile of clothes I’d decided against taking. “I can’t believe we’re leaving for college.”

We’d graduated two months ago and then spent our summer getting everything in order to move. Dawson was working non-stop, so I was in charge of packing and planning. We were renting a small, studio apartment that was only a mile away from campus.

“These ones are pretty,” he said, falling down beside me and tracing the bright pink marks on my arm. I’d made a deal with my therapist on my last appointment, whenever I felt like cutting, I’d grab a Sharpie and mark my body that way. It helped with the urges and gave me a reminder when I’d watch them fade. I’d started drawing on my wrist, my thighs, and my legs, giving them doodles of flowers, rainbows, and stick-figures holding hands. Dawson would grab a marker sometimes and color inside the lines. It had seemed cheesy at first, but it was helping. I hadn’t had a relapse since I’d left rehab.

“Thanks,” I pointing to the stick figures holding hands, “that’s us.”

He laughed, but I could tell something was wrong. “Impressive.” He paused and I waited for him to say something. “So guess who called me today?”

“Who?”

He scratched his head. “My mom.”

She hadn’t reached out to him since the day of the parole hearing. She never called and neither had he. He did send her a ticket to graduation. It pained me watching him scan the crowd every few minutes, hoping maybe she’d do the right thing, and show up. But she didn’t. He tried to play it cool, like it didn’t bother him, but I know deep down he was hurting. How could you
not
hurt when your parents abandoned you? Even if you despised them, you still felt the ache of being un-wanted.

He did reach out to his grandparents and had talked to them on the phone a few times. They still lived in Illinois, and we’d planned on making a visit to them on a school break. A few weeks ago, I’d finally taken it upon myself to call his mom and tell her he was leaving. She didn’t answer the call, but I’d left a voicemail. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but I prayed she’d do the right thing.

“And?”
Please say she apologized.

He let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand over his chin. “She said her calling didn’t change anything with us.” I shut my eyes and shook my head. “She said she could never forgive me for what I’d done, and we’d never be able to have a relationship, but she wanted to tell me goodbye and good luck.”

The words, “Are you serious,” were biting at the tip of my tongue, but I shut my mouth. I wanted to stomp over to his mom’s house and scream at her for being so selfish. But I didn’t want to make Dawson more upset, so I just nodded and let him continue.

“She said she was proud of me for graduating and getting into college, something she’d never accomplished. And then she said she had to go.”

I leaned into his side, and kissed his cheek. “At least she called, that has to count for something,” I said, in an attempt to raise his spirits. “It sounds like she’s slowly coming to her senses.”