Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (9 page)

“When I was in that place, almost all I thought about was you. And our life together. I tried using memories of you, of everyone, to get through, until-”

“I’m sorry you suffered like that. I hope-” He pressed his lips to her forehead. Dammit, five minutes in and he couldn’t hold it together. He couldn’t comfort her if he was falling apart himself.

“What?” she asked.

Jack brought his mouth to her cheek, kissing her near her ear. “I hope it gave you comfort to think of me.”

Caroline sniffled. “It did. But sometimes I wonder if that life we used to have was real. Did I imagine it?”

“No,” he said quietly. “You didn’t. It was every bit as good as you remember. Maybe better.”

“That almost makes it worse. Makes it harder to deal with now.” She looked up at him. “I think I’m the one who wants to turn back the clock.”

What would he give to be able to grant that wish? “I wouldn’t mind doing it,” Jack said. “If I could, I would. Not because of what we had, but because it kills me to think of what happened to you. To us.”

“I’m sorry,” Caroline whispered. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“You need to think back on things and smile, sweetheart. Not try to forget they happened. It isn’t good for you.”

She pressed her head into his shoulder. “I can’t help it. You wrap your arms around me at night and all I can do is wish we were at home.” She let out a sob. “I hated that house in Philadelphia for so long and now it’s all I ever think about. And you keep saying all these nice things to me no matter what I do or say to you. And I don’t know how to react.”

Yeah, he’d figured that out. “Just let me be nice to you. That’s all you have to do. I miss our house too. But mostly because you were there with me.”

Caroline choked out a tiny laugh. “See, there you are. Being nice to me again.”

“I’m telling you the truth. And I want to help you. In whatever way you need.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how to be a person anymore.”

What a silly thing to say. “Of course you do. You had such spirit, sweetheart. You’re just afraid to trust.”

“Is that what you think? That I don’t trust you?”

He wasn’t taking it personally, but it was hard to witness. “I don’t think you trust anyone, especially yourself.”

“It’s hard to be whole and intricate,” she whispered. “It’s easy to be nonthreatening.”

Jack kissed her forehead again. “I like you much better when you’re a troublemaker.”

Caroline wiped her eyes, shifting her shoulders. Shit, he’d said the wrong thing again. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “We can’t let that happen again, Jack. We can’t go back. Maybe it’s better to admit we can’t work this out.”

“We
can
work this out. You have to trust it. Trust us.”

“I can’t do that. I wish I could but I can’t let myself be close to you. It reminds me of too many things I’m trying to forget.”

“So you’re going to keep running scared? Bouncing back and forth between your emotions? That’s not good for you, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how else to act.”

“You don’t have to be afraid of us,” Jack said. “Afraid of the way you feel.”

“I lost everything. Everything that was important to me. Everything that made me who I was. And I can’t set myself up for a fall like that again. I just can’t.” She started crying again.

He pulled her chin up. “Sometimes you have to take chances. And this time you definitely have to take a chance. I thought you were gone and now I have you back. I’m not going to let that opportunity slip away.” He smiled at her. Maybe if he did that more often, he could splinter her glum exterior. “Doesn’t it feel good, being with me? You can admit it.”

Caroline burrowed into his chest. “It does feel good. Too good.”

“You can take advantage of it,” Jack said. “Because I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I meant what I said. Even if this is all I ever get from you, I’ll find a way to be happy. Just having you in my life is a bonus at this point.”

She sat up and shook her head. “You’re crazy. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be around me all the time.”

“It’s good,” Jack said. “Although it’s much better when you’re not yelling.”

Caroline wrapped her arms around herself. “Sometimes I don’t know why you put up with me.”

He chuckled. “Because I want to. And because I don’t know any better.” He pulled her into a hard hug. “I’m never going to stop loving you, Caroline. It’s just not possible.”

“I feel like I’m leading you on,” she whispered. “I’m stringing you along, like you said.”

Fuck, he never should have said that. “You’re not. I shouldn’t have made it sound like that. I just – I miss you. I miss being close to you. Not only physically, but intellectually and emotionally. I hate seeing you treat yourself this way when I know you feel the same.”

“I don’t want to give you false hope.”

Jack tucked her hair behind her ear. He’d take advantage of any opportunity to comfort her. “There’s always hope. Especially when it comes to you. Whatever point we can reach, I’ll take. No matter how long it takes for us to get there. Understand?”

Caroline let go of him and lay down on the bed again. “Sure.”

“You can’t do this alone. Being around me may be hard, but it would be just as bad if we were apart, right?”

She pressed her nose into the pillow. “I don’t know.”

He’d have to work on getting her to firm up her answers. “Don’t worry about hurting me. Work on getting better. And stretch out, for God’s sake.”

“Huh?”

He patted her legs. “You’re scrunched up into a tight little ball. It’s a big bed. Use it.”

She straightened out. “Is that better?”

Jack rubbed her back. “Getting there. You need to feel more comfortable about claiming what’s yours. What was it you used to tell me? How women take up as little space as possible while men fill the room as best they can?”

“I can’t believe you remember that. I thought you ignored me when I went on mini-rants.”

It hurt that she sounded so surprised. “I always listened when you would tell me those theories,” he said. “I wanted to expand my worldview to include something other than my own experiences.”

“You were really paying attention?”

Jack kissed her forehead. “You’re hard to ignore.”

Caroline gazed up at him, but as soon as she made eye contact she shifted away. An almost automatic reaction when he started to get too close.

“I hate when you do that,” he said.

“Do what?”

“You look at me then turn away, like I’m reminding you of something terrible.”

“It’s not that,” she whispered. “It’s complicated.”

He wiped a tear off her face. An equally automatic response. “Help me uncomplicate it, then.”

She didn’t look like she was ready for that discussion, but it never hurt to try. Caroline reached up to stroke his cheek, and he closed his eyes.

“Do you sleep at all anymore?” she asked.

The bags under his eyes had not gone unnoticed. “Not really. I spend most of the night making sure you’re okay.”

“You shouldn’t do that,” she said quietly.

“I want to.” Jack grinned irreverently. “And you can’t stop me.”

Caroline sighed. “I know.”

“I treasure being able to hold you, sweetheart. I’d rather do that than sleep.”

“You need to stop saying things like that.”

He wouldn’t stop being nice. He told himself not to stop being nice. But her reactions sometimes made it difficult to continue. “What, letting you know that I care?”

“It’s not that. You make me feel very guilty. And if you weren’t my husband, the idea of a man watching me sleep all night would be super creepy.”

Jack chuckled and pulled her to him. “I don’t want you to feel that way, Caroline. I’m being as honest with you as I can. I don’t ever want you to forget how important you are to me.”

“Even if I’ll never be what you need me to be?”

“I’m sure we’ll find a happy medium.” Jack rubbed her back, and she relaxed immediately. A good sign. “Want me to stay with you for a little bit?”

Caroline lay her head on his chest. “Yes,” she admitted.

He could lighten the mood. “Would you like me to sing to you?”

She not so gracefully hid a scowl. “Please don’t. I’ve never told you this, but you have an atrocious singing voice. It borders on the unnatural.”

That was a new one. “Is that the reason you woke up in the hospital? To order me to stop serenading you?”

“I wouldn’t call it a serenade. I won’t tell you what it did sound like, because I’m trying very hard to be tactful.”

Jack squeezed her tighter. “Okay, then. No singing.”

“Tell me a story instead,” Caroline said softly.

He didn’t care if it was fatigue or something else. Her vulnerability was fetching. “Do you know how unintentionally adorable you are right now?”

“I’m not adorable. I’m tired.”

“You can be both. What kind of story?”

“Something happy.”

He could certainly handle that. “Once upon a time-”

“Does it have to start like that?”

“Yes. How do you want it to start?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just let me tell it,” he said.

Caroline yawned. “Okay. I won’t interrupt anymore.”

The odds of that were pretty damn low. “We’ll see how that goes. Anyway, once upon a time there was a princess. A beautiful, brave, wonderful princess.”

“Do I know her?”

“You might,” he said. “Did you forget about not interrupting me?”

“Yeah.”

Jack stroked her cheek. “Close your eyes and listen,” he said, smiling as she snuggled in closer. “Let’s not make her a princess. She was a queen. A fair and lovely queen, valiant and true, whose subjects adored her. She was kind and loving, determined and strong. She lit up a room whenever she walked in, and treated everyone she encountered as if they were royalty themselves.”

“She seems nice,” Caroline murmured. “Maybe I’d like her.”

He sighed. “You make it so hard to tell a good story. If you don’t stop interrupting I’ll start singing instead. Not kidding.”

“I’ll stop.”

His threat must have worked because she sounded deeply concerned at the prospect of him breaking into song. Jack paused, tempted to tell her that he was thoroughly enjoying her disruptions. “The queen was married to a king who adored her with all his heart and would do anything to make her happy. The only reason he achieved anything of worth and value was because she supported him. They drifted apart, though they loved each other desperately.” He cleared his throat. “The king made many mistakes but remained hopeful that with time the queen would understand and forgive him.”

“Jack-”

“Let me finish, sweetheart. The queen had been wounded by life and didn’t believe in happy endings, but the king was certain someday he’d be able to give her one. Because he knew that deep in her heart of hearts, that was what she truly wanted. Even if it took his entire life to accomplish, he was determined to achieve his goal.” He kissed her forehead. “Whether she liked it or not. The end.”

“I’m not completely sure that was a work of fiction,” Caroline said.

“Didn’t you like it?”

She sniffed loudly and didn’t speak.

Wasn’t she a little crabby crab. “It can happen,” Jack said quietly. “If you let it.”

“You just want to be a king.”

He laughed. “No, I’m saying you deserve to be treated like a queen. Although you know how much I enjoy being in charge. I told the story. You heard it. And you don’t get to editorialize it.”

Caroline yawned again. “Fine.”

She was so damn tired. He had to get her to relax somehow. “I’ll tell you what,” Jack said. “We’ve had storytime but maybe we can rest up enough so I can make a lunch you won’t throw in the trash. I’ll even agree to get some sleep and not creep you out by watching you the whole time. How does that sound?”

“Very, very good,” she whispered.

Caroline stared at Jack as he pulled a polo over his head. He didn’t seem to care that she watched him get ready in the mornings. If he did, he probably wouldn’t do it in the bedroom. He never revealed much but the mystery was part of the appeal. He’d come in after his shower almost fully clothed, wearing an undershirt and pants, maybe taking the time to debate what shirt to wear or what shoes to put on. And she’d watch him, fascinated, wondering if he noticed her rapt attention.

“You look nice,” she said.

Jack tucked the shirt into his jeans. “You like this?”

It was simple, and gray, and poorly ironed, but it looked fantastic on him. “Yeah.”

He grinned at her. “No accounting for taste.”

“I guess not. Since when do you wear jeans?”

“We’re a little more casual here.”

Well, yeah, but he usually wore khakis or dress pants. “I can’t remember the last time you wore them,” she said.

“Probably when I was at some county fair in Pennsylvania pandering to the masses.”

“And then you’d get powdered sugar all over them when you very reluctantly ate a funnel cake?”

He laughed. “Yes. Just like that.”

Caroline nestled deeper into the covers. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I thought I’d check in with my staff, maybe pick up a few items at the commissary. It occurred to me you might want to do some baking to stay occupied.”

It wasn’t the worst idea in the world. But she felt a little bummed that he was leaving the apartment. She’d gotten used to having him around. “That’s nice of you.”

Jack took a seat on the bed next to her. “That’s why I’m here. To be nice to you.”

She sat up. “Remember that time I baked you that strawberry rhubarb pie and forgot to add the sugar?”

He made a face. “Yes.”

Caroline smiled. A random memory, but a terribly amusing one. He’d scraped the rest of the pie into the garbage when he thought she wasn’t looking, but choked down an entire piece before doing so. “You pretended not to notice. That was sweet.”

“If I get you baking ingredients, do me a favor and double check your recipe before putting the thing in the oven. Okay?”

He seemed frustrated about something. Was he remembering how horrible the pie had tasted? She reached over to fasten the bottom button on his polo. “Okay.”

“Too sloppy?” he asked, indicating the shirt.

“We want you looking dapper if you’re going to see your staff.”

Jack sighed. “You’re being awfully nice today. How long is this phase going to last?”

And now she was back to feeling guilty. “I don’t know,” she admitted.

“At least you’re honest about it.” He kissed her cheek before standing up. “I’m going to take advantage of your good mood while it holds. We could go to the lake when I get back. Would you like that?”

She’d heard worse ideas. “Sure,” Caroline said.

“I can pack a picnic lunch. We could walk or drive, your call.”

“Walking is fine.”

Jack smiled at her. “You don’t need to sound so enthused.”

She rubbed her eyes. Her hot was starting to run cold, whether she intended it or not. “I’m sorry. I’m sure we’ll have a wonderful time.”

“I’m sure we will.”

*              *              *              *              *

It was comfortable out, maybe eighty degrees. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, but that wasn’t unusual for October in southern California. Caroline munched on a peach while Jack skimmed some rocks into the lake. He could barely make them skip twice before they plopped into the water, and it almost made her laugh. She had no doubt he would have done very poorly with some of the training she’d had to go through, what with it being outside and all. He ran out of flat stones and came over to where she was sitting in the grass.

They had the entire lake to themselves. Whether that was because everyone else was on duty or Jack had somehow reserved the space just for them, she didn’t know. And she wasn’t going to ask.

“This was a good idea,” she told him. “Thanks for bringing me here.”

Jack sat down next to her on the blanket he’d laid out, grabbing a handful of grapes. “Now’s the time to make fun of my inability to skip stones.”

She must not have done a very good job of masking her reactions. “I wasn’t going to do that.”

“I saw your face. You were trying your damndest not to laugh.”

A
terrible
job. “I wasn’t-”

He grinned at her. “Fess up, Caroline.”

At least he didn’t seem mad about it. “Fine. It amazes me that a man who played high Division I basketball can’t even get a rock a tenth of the way across a tiny lake.”

“Some of them skipped more than twice,” he said.

He was a touch defensive. That was cute. “Reminds me of the time you threw the ceremonial first pitch at that Phillies game and they told you they were going to ask your wife to do it the next year instead.”

Jack chuckled. “I remember. And the Harrisburg Senators loved you. Remember all the games you’d force me to go to?”

“Yeah. I miss baseball.” Caroline smiled. “Are you just some sort of basketball genius who can’t do anything else remotely athletic?”

He popped a grape into his mouth. “Pretty much. Plus I’m old now.”

“You are not.”

“Older than I was.”

Caroline thought for a moment. “You’re fifty-four, right?”

He smiled. “Until January. Good to know you can still do math.”

She blushed. “I forgot how old I was last month.”

“Even better, then.”

“That I can remember how old you are, and not my own age?”

He laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to take it as a compliment.”

Caroline looked down at her feet and didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “That joke was a bit off.”

As was the entire conversation. “My sense of humor is a little off now, too.”

“I noticed. You’re forty-three, by the way.”

She hadn’t forgotten. Maybe that was a good sign. “Figured that out after thinking a little bit.”

“Does that happen a lot?”

“More than I care to dwell upon.”

“Maybe it will get better.”

She shook her head. “I doubt it.”

“Does it frustrate you?”

Caroline gave him a half smile. “What do you think?”

“You’d never forget anything important,” Jack said.

Was he kidding? “Oh, I think my date of birth is pretty fucking important, don’t you?”

“Do you remember my birthday?”

She thought for a moment. “January seventeenth?”

He squeezed her hand. “Very good. See, you do remember the important things.”

It took all her strength not to roll her eyes at him. “Good thing we’ve got this place to ourselves. Your ego is taking up most of the lakefront.”

“That’s true no matter where we are.”

“Do you ever think about how the hell we got here?” Caroline asked. “From first pitches and campaign appearances and fundraisers to wondering whether American democracy will ever be restored?”

“Sometimes. It’s a perfect storm of issues. A lot of things happened that we didn’t notice were going on until it was too late. And now here we are.”

“Yeah,” Caroline said. “Here we are, so far away from home.”

“This is our home now.”

Did he really believe that? “Doesn’t feel that way.”

“It will, eventually.”

Was he trying to convince her, or himself? “What if I don’t want it to?”

“Then I guess you’d better help me overthrow that asshole in Washington.”

She smiled at him again. “I’ll do my best.”

“Good.”

Caroline stared out over the water. “Adeline Allen was part of the rebellion.”

Jack turned to her, surprised. “Really?”

Where had that come from? She couldn’t take it back. “Bob told me, or he alluded to it when we-” She shuddered, remembering that day. She didn’t want to remember anything else.

“He was in that place with you?” Jack asked quietly.

“Yeah,” she said. “A lot of people were there with me. That’s how I know – I mean, they aren’t-” Her voice hitched. “I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

“Do you feel comfortable telling me who you saw while you were there?”

When all she wanted to do was stuff that thought back inside her brain? “Not really.”

“Will you tell me anyway? Just give me a little.”

She scrunched up her legs, wrapping her arms around her knees. “Bob,” she said softly, though that answer was probably pretty obvious. “Ellie. Jen. And there were others I never saw, but I knew they’d been there.” She choked back a sob. “Katie.”

“Did they-”

“I can’t tell you much beyond that. I’m not ready yet.”

Jack put his arm around her. “I understand.”

She hugged her knees tighter. “They haunt my dreams.”

“I know they do.”

“Do I talk about them?”

“You don’t mention names, but what you’ve said in your sleep suddenly makes a lot more sense.”

Shit. She didn’t want to begin to think about what she might have said. “I haven’t had any nightmares lately. At least, none that I remember.”

“I think that’s a good thing.”

Caroline shuddered. “Why do you think I got out and they didn’t?”

“There are no easy explanations for these things, sweetheart. But you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. They wouldn’t want you to.”

“I know.”

Jack squeezed her shoulder. “But you will anyway, won’t you?”

The closeness was too much. She shrugged away from him. “Yeah,” she said, gazing off into the distance again.

“I still find myself wishing I could take your pain away,” he said quietly. “Even more so now than when you were mourning Nick.”

Caroline tugged at some blades of grass, letting them sift through her fingers. “Same shit, different day.”

“It seems so unfair for you to carry these afflictions alone.”

“You don’t want that burden. It’s so much worse this time.”

“I would do it,” Jack insisted. “I would absorb it all.”

He had no idea what he was saying. “You couldn’t do that. It would eat away at you until you were completely gone.”

“I would. For you.”

Caroline looked at him. He was studying her intently.

“I would do anything for you,” he said. “I finally understand why you used to tell me the same thing. I just wish I’d had the strength to verbalize it earlier in our relationship.”

She turned away from him. He was always doing that, saying things she would have loved to hear when they were first married. Now all they did was cause her pain. She knew that wasn’t his intent but it still hurt. He’d never been one to skimp on physical affection, and she had never doubted his feelings for her. But hearing the words from his lips after so much had happened made it different somehow. Caroline put her head on her knees and began to cry.

“Please don’t,” Jack whispered. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You don’t want this,” she said, letting out a small sob. “You don’t want to feel this way.”

“I don’t want you to suffer alone. You deserve so much more than this.”

She wrung her hands. “But I don’t want you to feel it
either
.”

He pulled her into his arms before she could stop him. “I want to help. I would do it a thousand times over, because I love you. And because you deserve to be free.”

“I’ll never be free,” Caroline said. “Or safe.”

“You can be. You have to let go of the things you can’t control.” He pulled a few random blades of grass out of her hair, tracing his finger around the outside of her ear. “I know it’s hard, but you need to let me take some of this on for you.”

She shook her head. “You can’t. It’s my cross to bear. My experiences. My regrets.”

“Some of them are mine too.”

“That’s my point. You have enough to handle without taking on my shit.”

“I want to take it on,” Jack said, his voice harsh.

Was he trying to start an argument? “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Caroline murmured, slipping away from him. Away from everything.

*              *              *              *              *

Jack scowled. He’d get close, so close, maybe have her open up to him, and she’d pull back. He’d try again and the same thing would happen. It was like taking two steps forward and one back, except he was standing in the same place when it was over.

Caroline stared out across the lake and he gave her a minute, knowing she was upset. She had that vacant look in her eye. Not the dangerous look, the kind that meant her mind was fading, but the one that reminded him he really had no concept of how much damage had been done. He glanced over at her boots, arranged neatly in the grass next to her socks. She had wanted to enjoy the sun as much as she could even if she wasn’t about to expose too much skin. Her feet were apparently safe.