Rhythm and Blues (6 page)

Of my three best friends, I was sure only one actually liked me, and even then I was afraid of talking to Paige in case she thought I was mean and bossy, too.

I was super sorry I'd said those things to Ellie, and that I'd been rude to Ash the day before, but I didn't know how to fix it. I could admit that I'd gone over the top with the attitude but, really, I thought they needed
to be more understanding of my situation, too. They couldn't expect special privileges from me when it came to exam critiques just because I was their friend. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to the other girls.

It was so awkward in class. When I took the rest of the girls into studio one to practise the jazz exam while Miss Caroline ran through the first group, there were two sets of eyes staring at me. Not to mention Jasmine and Tove standing up the back, tittering and whispering with their hands over their mouths.

‘Is it just me, or is there tension in the air today?' Jasmine drawled, while I fumbled around putting the music on.

I went to tell her to be quiet but at the last moment my shoulders drooped and I couldn't get the words out. The fire in my chest had gobbled them all up.

‘It's good to see your ankle has got better, Riley,' Jasmine continued. ‘Hopefully your attitude has improved along with it.'

Paige turned around angrily. ‘Hopefully yours has, too,' she said, in a very un-Paige-like outburst. ‘Riley's been unwell. What's your excuse?'

Jasmine was so shocked about being told off by Paige that she shut up immediately.

‘First group in standing exercise positions,' I said, quietly. ‘Rest of you stretching or practising on the sides.' I paused. ‘Please,' I added.

Paige, her cheeks bright red, but a secret little smile on her face, went off to stretch in the corner. I saw Ashley give Paige a hearty pat on the back, and I felt very proud of Paige for speaking up, and a big rush of affection towards Ashley for making her feel good about it.

We went through the groups, one by one, but I didn't say anything, except for generic things like ‘Thanks, girls,' and ‘Flat backs, feet together,' to the group as a whole.

I felt extra uncomfortable when it was my friends' turn. Because I'd told Paige off last lesson for copying other people, I noticed that this time she tried very hard not to look anywhere but at the front. So she forgot a few things but, instead of looking to the other girls, she would simply bite her lip, gather her thoughts, and pick up once she'd remembered what came next.

I was so proud of her for trying, but didn't know how to say so. There was a weird kind of imaginary barrier between us.

Ashley made a point of not looking at me at all, and ignoring everything I said completely. Ellie, on the other hand, made a show of doing everything really lazily, almost daring
me to correct her. We both knew that it wasn't her best work, but I bit down on my tongue and just watched the other girls.

I felt all hot and floaty at the same time, like I had a temperature. I was lost among my gloomy thoughts and I had to try really hard to not collapse and have a good old cry.

Bethany stopped in the middle of the kicking sequence in the travelling steps.

‘Riley,' she said, ‘do we turn to the front or back on the last backwards kick? And do we do all of the kicks on demi pointe? I've noticed that some of us are and some of us aren't.'

I blinked. I hadn't noticed that, I'd been so lost in my miserable little daze.

‘Uh,' I said, ‘um.'

Bethany stood there looking at me, and everyone else turned to me for confirmation, too.

I really had no clue. I couldn't for the life of me remember. I risked a quick glance at Ellie, then Ashley, but both of them avoided my gaze. Paige just gave me a little shrug when I glanced at her; she wasn't sure either. The only one who would have known for sure was Jasmine, and her group was currently in with Miss Caroline.

I had to make the call. It was my job. It was time to take command again and get my head back in the game.

‘You turn to the front on the last kick,' I decided. ‘And the kicks are all on flat feet.'

‘Are you sure?' one girl, Opal, asked. ‘I thought Miss Caroline said …'

I paused, just for a second. ‘The kicks are all on flat feet,' I repeated, louder. ‘It shows that you're grounded and your working leg is strong. Also don't forget to keep your arms out in second on the first two kicks and in the
layout.' I nodded and put the music on again, signalling they were to continue.

I actually had no idea if what I'd told the girls was the right thing. It seemed my whole life revolved around having this stupid ankle injury and I didn't remember anything before it.

But it sounded correct and I stood by my decision.

Thursday and technique class again. I sat in the corner of the studio, my eyes drooping. I was feeling very weary. Being at Silver Shoes helping Miss Caroline out every day sure was tiring! My shins hurt from the one-sided way I'd been walking and all the fighting with my friends was playing on my mind. But I'd said I would assist Miss Caroline, and so here I was.

‘Riley,' she said to me as she walked over to switch songs on the iPod. ‘You still with us?'

‘Yes, Miss Caroline,' I said.

She eyed me down. ‘You know, you've been a great help lately, but if you want to take an afternoon off, you can.'

‘I'm fine.'

‘How's your ankle? Have you been doing your strengthening exercises?'

‘Yes,' I lied.

The truth was, I'd been so busy with my chores at Silver Shoes that I hadn't even really looked at them, much less tried them. I still thought I could do my own exercises and stop when my ankle said ‘ouch'.

‘Don't wear yourself down, though, I've told you this before,' she said, referring to my ability to think I can do everything. ‘We want you rested, strong and confident by the time exams roll round. That's your goal.'

I just smiled and looked out at the class sadly.

‘Okay,' she said. ‘Now you might be feeling sprightly, but this old body needs a coffee. Do you mind making me one, Riley?'

‘One sugar, not too much milk,' I said, sliding myself off the seat. ‘Coming right up.'

I walked along to the teachers' room and over to the kettle. The teachers' room had lost its thrill, and I didn't even have the heart to laugh at the picture of Justin Bieber surrounded by girls that someone had taped to the fridge with the word ‘Jay' scrawled next to it with an arrow.

I measured out the coffee and sugar robotically. Milk, hot water, stir.

I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was go back into a room full of unfriendly faces. But Nana always said you should never run away from what you're scared of, you always face it. Her advice had worked out well when
I'd followed it before. So I picked the coffee mug up and made my way back to the studio.

To meet the unfriendliest face yet.

Miss Caroline's.

‘Thank you,' she said, taking the mug from me and setting it down without even looking at it. ‘Can I talk to you for a minute?'

Geez, what had I done now?

‘Sure,' I agreed, following her into the hall.

‘Riley,' she said, once we were out of earshot from the rest of the girls, although I could feel their eyes on us. ‘Did you tell the girls the kicks in the travelling step for jazz were done on a flat foot?'

‘Um … I can't really remember,' I said. ‘Maybe.'

‘Well, that isn't right. The kicks are done on demi. All of them. And you turn to the back, not the front. I appreciate you helping me out, but you can't go telling the girls the wrong
thing. It confuses them so close to exams, and they'll get a lot of points taken off if they do the step incorrectly, all because of something you've told them.'

‘I didn't do it on purpose!' I said defensively. ‘I … thought it was done on flat feet,' I finished lamely.

‘The whole point of the kicking step is to show strength and balance and turnout,' Miss Caroline said. ‘Demi pointe is crucial for that. You know that, Riley. I wouldn't have let you run through exams with them if I thought you were unsure yourself.'

‘I just forgot!' I protested. My voice cracked on the last word and I had to suck my breath in, loudly. Why was everyone picking on me! All I ever did was try to help!

‘Well then, you should have checked with me,' Miss Caroline said, a little kinder. ‘Never just guess. Always be sure.'

Shaking my head, I bit my lip, crossed my arms and looked away.

Miss Caroline put a friendly hand on my arm. ‘Why don't you go and help Billie with the tinies,' she said. ‘She's not feeling very well today. And it might be a bit of fun for you.'

Great. So now I'd been dumped down to helping out with the tinies. The unfairness of everything was building up and up in my chest. The flames were roaring now. I didn't even thank Miss Caroline. I just turned on my heel and stomped as best I could into the studio next door.

I couldn't do anything right.

When I stepped through the door, I was greeted with angelic faces and cute little tutus. But the fire in my chest was burning away all the nice feelings I had, so I couldn't even smile. I must have seemed like the wicked witch of the west to the tinies.

‘Riley! My saviour.' Billie stumbled over to me, coughing and covering her nose with about ten tissues. She really didn't look well,
even her brightly coloured hair seemed to have faded. ‘Can you take the tinies for a bit?' she gasped. ‘It's beginner's ballet. I just need to go and get … something … for this head.'

‘Um …' Taking the tinies was the last thing I felt like doing right now.

‘Girls,' rasped Billie, ‘this is Riley. She'll do all the positions and some twirls with you. Be nice to her. I'll be back to check on my ballerinas in a bit.' She pushed her way out of the studio. ‘Thanks, Riley,' she added.

I blinked at the door as it swung shut. Then I turned around to see all these faces looking up at me, waiting for me to teach them how to hold their arms and place their legs, when I couldn't even control the feelings whirling around inside my body.

I didn't know what to say or do. It felt like an impossible task, so I just stared at them.

‘Hello,' said one little girl with blonde pigtails. ‘My name's Jessie.'

I gaped at her.

‘With Miss Billie we're doing first and second positions … and all the others,' she told me helpfully.

Fantastic. Now four-year-olds had to tell me what to do.

‘Yes. All right,' I said.

‘The music is ready to go,' she added. ‘You just have to press play.'

I did just that and some carousel-sounding soundtrack came on. The little girls started jumping about. They looked so happy and I was so miserable. The flames in my chest leapt higher and made my throat all dry and parched.

‘Okay.' I cleared my throat. The tinies kept jumping about. ‘Okay, girls,' I said, a little louder, trying to keep the wobble out of my voice. ‘First position. Who remembers?'

They all looked at me expectantly. Gosh. I was meant to show them. What was first position? For the life of me I couldn't think what it even meant.

Feet turned out. Arms in front. I forced my body into the sloppiest version of first position I'd ever done.

Focus, Riley, focus.
But I couldn't. I just had to get out, and away.

I heard the door to the studio crack open. Thank God. Billie was back.

But it wasn't Billie. Instead, Paige's sweet, friendly face was looking at me, worry in her blue eyes.

‘Hi girls,' she sang to the tinies. ‘Lovely first positions!' They all beamed at her.

Paige hurried over to me. ‘Are you okay?' she asked. ‘Miss Caroline sent me to quickly check on you.'

I looked at her, and I knew I was about
to cry. Someone actually being nice to me was the hardest thing of all. I was going to bawl and I had to leave the studio.

‘Please help me, Paige,' I said.

Paige nodded. ‘Go and get a glass of water,' she said, squeezing my arm. ‘I'll take over from here.'

I swallowed and stumbled out.

‘Okay, cuties,' I heard Paige say, ‘Riley is just going to check in on Miss Billie, so Miss Paige is going to help you today. Now, who can show me a nice second position?'

I legged it to the drama studio as fast as my injured ankle would take me. Once I was there, I sat near the mirror in silence for a very long time, thinking all my bad thoughts and feeling my chest get bigger and bigger, and hotter and hotter.

Then I cried: about my ankle and my friends, and all the unfairness of the last two
weeks. About all the mean things I'd done just because I was frustrated, about the ache in my heart because I couldn't dance, and when all that was out, I swiped at my tears and pushed my hair back and got up to face the mirror.

And then I started jumping and leaping about, and throwing myself into some crazy kind of Riley dance because I thought that was the only way I could truly get my feelings out. I pushed through the pain in my ankle and I beat away my rasping breath, and I fought for the feelings that dance had always given me – power, beauty, focus, strength.

I didn't stop until three girls appeared in the doorway.

Ellie, Ashley, and Paige.