Rich People Problems (19 page)

*
If you assumed that Eddie did not wash his hands, you would be correct.

PORTO FINO ELITE ESTATES, SHANGHAI

The fountain-blue Bentley Mulsanne pulled up by the front steps and a bodyguard jumped out of the passenger side to open the back door. As Araminta Lee Khoo emerged from the car in a sculptural ballerina-pink silk strapless Delpozo dress with a contrasting oversize yellow bow and pink sequined miniskirt, the paparazzi began clicking away furiously at her showstopping look.

“Araminta! Araminta! Look over here!”

“Can we have a fashion pose, please, Araminta?”

Araminta paused for a moment, pivoted expertly toward the photographer with one hand on her hip, her other hand showing off her exquisite Neil Felipp Suzy Wong minaudière, before proceeding up the red-carpeted steps.

Waiting at the freshly lacquered front doors of their mansion were Kitty and Jack. Kitty wore an explosion of powder-blue feathers courtesy of Armani Privé, and chose this occasion to debut her new diamond and antique Burmese cabochon sapphire earrings from Chaumet. Jack squirmed uncomfortably beside her in skinny black jeans and a shawl-collared white tuxedo jacket by Balmain that was made-to-measure but looked two sizes too small.

“Minty! You made it!” Kitty leaned over and gave her an air kiss, as another set of photographers stationed by the front doors clicked away.

“My yoga retreat is practically right next door to you in Moganshan, so I thought it could do no harm to sneak away for just one night!” Araminta replied.

“I'm so glad you did. And now you finally get to meet my husband. Jack, this is my best friend from Singapore—Araminta Lee, er, I mean Khoo.”

“Thank you for coming,” Jack said stiffly.

“Fabulous to meet you! I feel like I know you already!” Araminta tried to give Jack an air kiss, but he tilted back reflexively as he saw the glossy red lips coming at him. Kitty prodded him sharply with an elbow and he quickly straightened up just in time to collide heads with Araminta.

“
Aiyoh!
” Jack groaned. Araminta appeared to see stars for a second, but quickly recovered and laughed it off.

“Please forgive my husband. He's just excited to meet you—he gets excited whenever he's around famous supermodels,” Kitty gushed apologetically.

Araminta moved along into the house, while Kitty shot daggers at her husband with her eyes. “Don't you know how to do a perfect Euro-fashionista triple-cheeked air kiss? You almost gave her a concussion!”

Jack muttered under his breath, “Tell me why we're doing this again?”

“Honey, we were specially chosen by
Vogue China
to host the most exclusive party of Shanghai Fashion Week! This is the party all the most important
lao wais
^*1
are attending! Do you know how many people would sell their servants' organs for this opportunity? Please stop complaining.”

“What a waste of time…” Jack muttered under his breath.

“Waste of time? Do you even know who my friend is?”

“Some silly model.”

“She's not just a model—she's the wife of Colin Khoo.”

“No idea who that is.”

“Oh come on, he's the heir to the Khoo empire of Singapore. And besides, Araminta is also the only daughter of Peter Lee. I'm sure you know who that is—he was the first Chinese billionaire in U.S. dollars.”

“Peter Lee's old news. I'm worth exponentially more than him.”

“You may have more money, but the Lees have more influence. Don't you realize I'm introducing you to the most influential people in the world?”

“These people make clothes. How are they influential?”

“You have no idea. These people control the world. And the cream of Shanghai society wants to be around them. Just think of who has showed up so far—Adele Deng, Stephanie Shi. And now the First Lady is about to arrive—”

“And it looks like Mozart came with her.”

“Oh my God, that's not Mozart, that's Karl Lagerfeld. He's a very, very,
very
important man! He's the Kaiser of fashion.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“He is so powerful, he could simply flare one of his nostrils and have me banned from Chanel forever and I might as well be dead. Please,
please
be polite.”

Jack snorted. “I'll try not to fart in his general direction.”

After all the VVIP
lao wais
had been greeted, Kitty made her grand entrance into the house while Jack fled to his screening room until it was time for dinner. (“As long as you show up for my toast and tell Peng Liyuan how much you adore her singing at some point during the banquet, I don't care what else you do,” Kitty had told him.) The whole party was actually an excuse for Kitty to show off the redesign of the house, and she stood on the top step of the former great hall—which she had renamed the Salon Grande—surveying the scene.

Gone was Colette's Zen-like Puli Hotel–inspired decor, and in its place, Thierry Catroux had created a look he called “Ming emperor meets Louis-Napoléon at Studio 54.” Ming dynasty urns mingled with rare Aubusson carpets against sixties-mod Italian leather-and-Lucite furniture, while the monochromatic Shikumen gray brick walls were now covered in Tibetan yak hair dyed in shimmering shades of persimmon. The eighty-foot-long east wall had been covered with purple-and-crimson latticework screens—in homage to the Hall of Dispelling Clouds at the Summer Palace in Beijing. Colette's prized collection of black-and-white Wu Boli calligraphy scrolls had been banished to the museum wing, and in its place were enormous paintings of vibrantly colored canvases by Andy Warhol, Jean-Michel Basquiat, and Keith Haring in antique rococo gilt frames. Kitty's guests flocked to her side, gushing about the radical transformation.

“It's unbelievable, Kitty,” Pan TingTing praised.

“So…original, Kitty,” Adele Deng demurred.

“You've
really
put your stamp on the house,” Stephanie Shi said and smiled.

“It's such a trip, all that's missing are the quaaludes!” Michael Kors
^*2
said.

At some point during the social swirl, Araminta appeared at her side with a glass of champagne. “I thought you could use this. I can see you've been circulating nonstop.”

“Oh thank you. Yes, everyone has been soooo nice, except for that awful Englishman over there talking to Hung Huang.”

“Philip? But he's usually so charming!” Araminta furrowed her brow in surprise.

“Charming? Do you know what that snob said to me? When I asked him what he did, he actually dared to say, ‘I'm a millionaire!' ”

Araminta clutched Kitty's arm and doubled over in laughter. Trying to catch her breath, she said, “No, no, you're mistaken!”

Kitty continued her tirade, “So I said to him, ‘Well, I'm a
billionaire
!' ”

Wiping the tears of laughter away from her eyes, Araminta explained. “Kitty, that man is Philip Treacy. He's not a millionaire, he's a
milliner
—a hat designer. I'm sure that's what he told you. He's one of the best milliners there is—Perrineum Wang is wearing one of his hats right over there.”

Kitty gazed at the young Shanghai socialite, who was sporting a gigantic flesh-colored disk with a bejeweled starfish of pink rubies in the middle that covered eighty percent of her face. “No wonder he gave me a strange look.”

“Oh Kitty, you can always crack me up!” Araminta was still laughing when a pair of hands reached out from behind her and covered her eyes.

“Oh, who's this?” Araminta giggled.

“Three guesses,” a man whispered into her ear in an extremely affected French accent.

“Bernard?”

“
Non.
”

“Er…Antoine?”

“
Non.
”

“Surely it can't be Delphine? I give up!” Araminta whipped around and saw a patrician-looking Chinese man in a three-piece suit and small round tortoiseshell glasses grinning back at her.

“Oliver T'sien, you rascal! You had me fooled with that ridiculous accent.” Araminta giggled. “Oliver, have you met the chatelaine of this…er…magnificent estate, Kitty Bing?”

“I was hoping you'd introduce me,” Oliver purred.

“Kitty, this is Oliver T'sien. He's an old friend from Singapore…and…aren't we somehow related now through Colin? Oliver is related to practically everyone who's anyone in Asia, and he's also the consultant at large for Christie's.”

Kitty shook his hand politely. “It's a pleasure to meet you. You work for Christie's, the auction house?”

“Indeed I do.”

“Oliver is one of the top specialists in Asian art and antiquities,” Araminta continued.

“Hmm…there's a little horse sculpture in the library I would love to show you. My husband is convinced it's from the Tang dynasty, but I think it's a fake. His ex-wife bought it,” Kitty said derisively.

“I am at your service, madame,” Oliver said, extending an arm. They walked into the library, and Kitty led him to a magnificent Macassar and Gabon Boulle armoire in one corner. She pressed against the tortoiseshell-and-gilt-bronze marquetry doors, which opened to reveal a hidden entryway into Jack Bing's private cigar lounge.

“Well, this is quite splendid!” Oliver exclaimed, looking around the decadently upholstered room.

As soon as the doors closed behind them, Kitty sank into one of the tasseled velvet Louis-Napoléon smoking chairs and breathed a sigh of relief. “I'm so glad we're finally alone! How do you think it's going?”

Unbeknownst to any of her guests, and especially to friends like Araminta, Kitty knew Oliver rather well—he had been secretly advising her for the past couple of years and had been instrumental in helping her acquire
The Palace of Eighteen Perfections
, a set of prized Chinese scrolls that had broken auction records two years ago to become the most expensive Chinese artwork ever sold.

“You have nothing to worry about. Everyone is most impressed. Did you notice that Anna actually took her sunglasses off for a moment to scrutinize your Qianlong dragon vessel?”

“No, I missed that!” Kitty said excitedly.

“It happened so quickly, but it happened. I also spoke to Karl and—fingers crossed—I think you're getting front row at next season's show in Paris.”

“Oliver, you're a miracle worker! You'd think spending nine million dollars a year at Chanel would be enough to get you a front-row seat at the damn fashion show.”

“You'll be front row dead center next season! See? You have nothing to worry about. We should head back to the party before anyone suspects anything. We've been gone too long to look at one Tang horse. Which, by the way, is not fake but is frightfully common. Every drawing room on Park Avenue has at least one collecting dust on top of a stack of coffee-table books. Just throw it away, or give it to Sotheby's to auction off—some philistine will buy it.”

As Oliver and Kitty were about to emerge from the hidden cigar lounge, a trio of ladies entered the library. Oliver peeked through the crack in the armoire door and whispered to Kitty, “It's Adele Deng, Stephanie Shi, and Perrineum Wang!”

Stephanie could be heard saying, “Well, Kitty has certainly succeeded in removing every trace of Colette from the house. What do you think of this Picasso over the desk?”

“I'm so sick of seeing Picassos—every starter billionaire in Beijing has one. You know that in the last two decades of his life, the man was doing four paintings a day like some desperate whore? The market is flooded with mediocre Picassos. Give me a good Gauguin any day—like the one in my father's museum,” Adele Deng said with a sniff.

“Colette's vision for this house was utter perfection, and now it's been ruined,” Stephanie lamented.

“I don't care what anyone says—to me this will always be Colette's house,” Perrineum chimed in.

Adele walked up to the Boulle armoire, tracing over the marquetry with her fingers. “This is actually a nice piece, but what the hell is it doing here in the corner? If you ask me, Kitty's trying so desperately to impress. Every single object in this house is a museum showpiece. Everything is screaming, ‘Look at me! Look at me!' Kitty wouldn't understand the meaning of subtlety if it hit her on those fake breasts. As Marella Agnelli might say, ‘It will take her another lifetime to understand wicker.' ”

“Hiyah, what do you expect from a porn star? She will never have Colette's taste—you have to be born with it,” Perrineum decreed, readjusting her gigantic hat for the millionth time.

“I wonder if we can sneak over to her bedroom wing. I want to see what she did with the space,” Stephanie suggested.

“She probably put mirrors on the ceiling,” Perrineum cracked.

“Louis XIV mirrors. Stolen from Versailles!” Adele cackled, as she followed the ladies out the door.

Perched in the corner of the cigar lounge, Kitty couldn't hide her look of devastation. “My breasts are
not
fake!” she cried.

“Don't listen to them, Kitty.”

“Adele Deng told me the house was ‘so original.' Why would she lie to my face like that?”

Oliver paused for a moment, thinking that Adele was right on one score—Kitty certainly didn't pick up on the subtler cues. “They're just jealous of all the attention you're getting. Ignore them.”

“You know, it's not so easy to ignore those ladies. Adele Deng and Stephanie Shi—they rule the scene here. If this is what they're really thinking, I'll never be able to compete.”

“Kitty, look—you've already conquered the world stage. These women aren't your competition anymore, don't you see?”

“I realize that, but I also realize something else. No matter what I do, this will always be known as Colette's house. And this will always be Colette's town, even though she's gone. She was born here—these are her people. I will always be an outsider in Shanghai, no matter what I do. Why did I even bother spending two years redecorating this house? I should be where people appreciate me.”