Riding Ryder (12 page)

“Then go to sleep.”

“Yeah. If I can.” He’d love a good night’s sleep.

He didn’t get it. After hours of jumbled dreams he gave up. When he walked into the kitchen, June was singing softly to herself as she made tea. She took one look at Caleb and shoved him into a chair.

“Not good?”

He shook his head. “Nope. I feel fucking awful. I need positive clarity. At this moment all I have is negativity.”

“But in its own way, Caleb, negativity is positive. Have you absorbed that?”

He took the cup handed to him. “Absorbed? Yes. Understood? No.”

Serene gray eyes looked at him steadily. “It takes time, but you will. Now whether you like what you understand is another matter.”

“Yeah,” he said absently, his gaze on something he thought he could see over her shoulder. “Er, June? No.” He blinked. “I can, can’t I? Why?”

She laughed and handed him a mug of aromatic liquid. “If you can now see my thoughts again, then your mind is less troubled, even if you don’t realize it. And yes, you did see a wolf. Your spirit guide.”

“Ah!”

“Have something to drink, then go and rest. You’ll manage this time. My special brew demands it.”

Caleb drank and then chuckled, feeling happier than he’d thought possible. June’s remedy might not be conventional, but it tasted good.

How he managed to make it to the room she had given him, he had no idea. He was hard-put to move one foot in front of the other. Taking his clothes off, he dropped heavily onto the bed before falling into a deep sleep.

He woke several hours later, refreshed, and sexually sated. However, his cheeks were marked with the tracks of his tears. He knew Logan had been there with him in spirit. He had known his beautiful body pressed next to him. Taken that amazing cock in his mouth, licked and caressed him until Logan had shouted out his release. His own cock, flaccid now, had been strong and erect as Logan had fondled him, watched him stiffen and then come, the results of which he could clearly see on his chest. Then, as he had tried to hold on to his lover, Logan had spoken softly, “Take care, my one and only love.”

He stretched out widely, knowing he was alone. Shit! Was this going to be all he had to look forward to? A dream lover, sexually sated, but totally unsatisfied? Surely not. He could
not
live the rest of his life like that.

Chapter Sixteen

“So are you ready to meditate?” June asked him.

Caleb nodded. This was it; he knew with certainty if he didn’t help himself now, he wouldn’t try again. He took a deep breath.

Looking around, Caleb saw the water tumble over the cliff to splash into the pool below. The noise was exciting, full of power and energy. Where was he?

A raven was perched on a rock alongside the rumbling water. He looked at it as it stared unblinking at him. He could see wisdom in the bird’s eyes.

Yeah, yeah. Change is coming. I know that. What I don’t know is what. Or how, damn it.
The bird merely stared at him with its sharp alert eyes before lazily flapping its wings and soaring away.

“Wish I could follow you,” Caleb muttered to himself. “Away from all this angst. I’m so bloody tired of it.”

“Well, mate, life is shit. We have to deal with it. Put up or shut up, as they say.” Logan stood on the other side of the pool.

“Well, I wish
they
would keep their noses out,” Caleb grumbled, although his heart lifted to see his love. “Why are you over there? Can’t you come here so I can hold you?”

Logan shook his head. “What good would that do? We made love last night, beautiful, amazing, glorious love. But has it changed anything? Nah. You are still fucked up, I’m still fucked up, and you won’t clear your mind and see what you have to do.”

Caleb was angry. “Oh, yeah, all up to me, eh? Why nothing to do with you? Fuck you, Logan. You knew what my life entailed. I bloody told you. Oh, no problem, you said. I’ll deal with it, you said. At the first real hurdle, what did you do? Cop out big time. You knew, Logan; you fucking knew.” He brushed angrily at the tears on his cheeks. “Bollocks. I don’t usually cry. I’m a fucking watering can now.”

Logan looked at him, and Caleb could see the hurt in his eyes “There’s a difference between knowing in the abstract and knowing in reality, Cal. The abstract I could deal with; the reality I couldn’t. I couldn’t cope with images I conjured up. Hell, I didn’t know if what I was imagining was what happened, but it hurt.”

“And you think I don’t hurt?” Caleb shouted. “Think I was happy short-changing my client, because for the first time in my life, the only way I could get it up was to think of you? Does that make it any better? Does it?” He shook his head, his plait moving violently from side to side. “Shall I say no more single men? Shall I cut that part of my life out? Will that help? Will your imagination be able to deal with that? If each time I come back from work, I tell you what happened? Because I will do that if it’s what you need. What will make us a couple?” He turned away, waited, his breathing fast, to see how Logan would answer. There was silence. Then he thought he heard a whisper.

“I don’t know. Would it really be the answer for you?”

He turned back. There was no one there. Only the crashing water, the rocks, and the earth.

Alone again.

Caleb looked at June and smiled sadly. “Logan really isn’t going to help me, is he?”

She shook her head.

“Thought not. I said I’d give up the part of my life that he found distressing. All he said was he didn’t know if it would be the answer for either of us. What’s the point of all this if I can’t get answers? I need to know what to do.”

She touched his shoulder. “You are getting answers, Caleb. You’re just ignoring them. Perhaps you need to look deeper into your heart. Really look. And yes, I’m pushing you.”

“I don’t know what the answers are.” He was sure of that.

“You do, but you need to admit it. When you’re ready.”

“Well, pushy friend. I’ll do my best.”

“I know you will,” June said. “How is up to you.”

“Yeah, so, will you push me one last time, please?”

June looked surprised. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “I need to know, June, to finish what I’m trying to do, to see. Then decide and move on.”

Fifteen minutes later, after eating and having a quick shower, his mood was distinctly better. Leaving his damp hair loose, he walked through the garden to the meditation room. The serene garden with its quiet beauty never failed to sooth him. He said as much to June.

“Of course, its flowers and herbs are chosen wisely.”

“Well, oh wise chooser, will you choose my journey for me?” He chuckled as he saw her thoughts. “Okay, joking. But can we go and see? Please.”

She laughed with him. “Of course. Prepare yourself.”

June sat cross-legged. Caleb copied her position.

He walked rapidly out of the garden and turned up a steep track. Before long, his legs were aching. Ahead of him, a hawk, its eyes bright, was sunning itself on a low branch at the side of the path. It seemed to look him in the eye before, with a shake of its head, it flew ahead of him, its feathers bright in the sunlight.

He forged on steadily. The track, though steep and narrow, was fairly straight. No side tracks to, well, side-track him. He heard himself laugh at his own humor.

“You’re unfit, mate. I could hear you huffing and puffing for ages.” Logan was waiting at the top of the hill where the route ended in a depression, a natural amphitheater, wearing his usual boardies and flip-flops. Thongs, as he called them. The first time he’d said he needed to put his thongs on Caleb had had visions of a very sexy ass split by a tiny thread of material until Logan had explained what he meant.

“Jeez, Logan, I have so missed you.” Caleb grabbed Logan hungrily and pulled him in for a long, hard hug. “How did you know I’d be here?”

Logan smiled and kissed him. Caleb felt his cock insistently making its presence known. He could feel Logan was in the same state.

“You told me, Cal. Showed me where to come, and how to get here. Now, are you maybe going to show me how to come in a different way? In your arms?”

Caleb laughed, the happiness evident as the clear notes flew out into the warm air. “Hell, yes. My pleasure. Well,
our
pleasure.”

Logan didn’t answer; he was laving one hard male nipple. Caleb could feel his cock begging to be free of its confines. He looked at Logan’s cock, now tenting his shorts, and swiftly moved to release the ties holding it tight. He shuddered as Logan copied his actions.

“On the grass; let me taste you.” Logan tugged him down, and Caleb felt his dick being circled.

“This is oh so good.” Caleb moaned. “Oh so fucking right. Why can’t we have this always and forever?”
Shit, I’m going to come like a schoolkid.

“
We’ve got it now. Let’s enjoy.” Logan lifted his mouth briefly before once more sucking and nibbling.

With difficulty, Caleb tried to focus and move his lips to cover the tip of Logan’s cock. He sucked hard as cum filled his mouth. He felt Logan’s lips on him mimicking every movement. With a roar, he reached his own magnificent climax.

They lay sated on the warm ground, not talking, just holding each other.

Eventually Caleb spoke. “We can’t lose this, Logan; we need it. I need it.”

“Maybe we do,” Logan said somberly. “But, Caleb, you know you have a vocation, people who need you. Can you, in all honesty, say if you denied all or any of that gift to those in need that the knowledge wouldn’t destroy what we have?”

Caleb looked at his lover closely and saw the sadness and truth in his eyes. “So you say I need to carry on?” he asked. “Not change anything I do? And lose you? Or will you be there for me, with me?”

He closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them he was alone.

Well not quite. A hawk, maybe the one he had seen before, was staring at him from a bush at the side of the depression.

A good word that—depression, he thought as the hawk continued to stare at him. He sighed.
Time to go back.

***

He blinked as he opened his eyes. He had expected sunlight, not candlelight. “I’ve been away for a while then?”

June nodded. “Several hours. How do you feel?”

“Gutted, shattered, worried. Sated. Confused. Conflicting pictures in my mind. Shall I go on?”

She chuckled, not unsympathetically. “I think I get the idea. Do you want to talk about anything?”

“I spoke with Logan.”

“He was there then?”

Caleb nodded. “Waiting at the top of the hill. In a sort of hollow that was amphitheater-shaped. Though I hope it wasn’t an amphitheater, because anyone near it would have had a hell of a shock. We made love. Amazingly beautiful love. And then he left, after saying he thought I needed my vocation. All that was left with me was a hawk. Maybe even the same one I saw at first. Nothing else. Shit. Sorry, I will not cry.”

“Crying is cleansing.”

“Well, the amount I’ve been doing lately, I must be the cleanest man in Britain. So, my dearest friend, what does all this mean?”

She looked at him with those clear, gray eyes. “I think you know.”

He sighed. Deeply. “I’m rather afraid I do. Especially with that blasted hawk being around me twice.”

“So you know what it signifies?”

“Am I right in thinking it means I am doomed to disappointment? No regeneration, no Logan.” He sounded despondent, and he knew it.
For fuck’s sake, Caleb, stop spitting the dummy out. In the grand scheme of life, your problems are nothing. Not even a blip.

“Not necessarily. A hawk in its own way shows you perception and foresight; therefore, it may also be showing you that you might have a lack of closure.”

“Oh, so that’s all fine and dandy then. No fu— um, flipping closure. Great. Life sucks sometimes.” He knew he sounded grumpy. So, it seemed, did June.

“Oh, Caleb. Listen to yourself. You said you saw Logan. You made love. He spoke to you.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “That’s not really true, but I feel confused. Over the last few days, I’ve been told I’m going to experience change, and change for the better. I’m going to have to be cautious; there’s something new on the horizon, and experience lack of closure. All in a state of peace and harmony? Yeah, right. I don’t think so somehow.”

“You’re experiencing a large case of self-doubt and self-pity,” June said patiently. “You’re looking too closely at the wrong things. You need to go away, to your own serene place, and think things over, without really thinking too closely. Then and only then will you be able to see clearly. And don’t try to see into my mind, because in this case, Caleb, I have no idea of the outcome. Only you will know that, and only when you are prepared to look. So now, it’s up to you.”

***

So here he was, driving to the one place he knew he could be at peace and decide his fate. How he was going to live his life in the future. Whether the decision he made meant a life alone. Even whether, whatever his decision, Logan would still be there and not give up on him.

Nearing the turn to the track that led to the cottage, recognizing familiar landmarks, his heart lifted. June had been correct. Here, where he had experienced all the joys that loving and being loved could bring, somewhere he could be alone, was the place to decide honestly and truthfully where his life was going and how.

He had stopped on the way to get fresh groceries and left a message on Johnny’s answerphone to tell him he was around, and not to worry if he saw lights on or Rex went missing. He knew now he could have the peace and solitude he craved.

He turned the final bend and drew his car up outside the garage. He’d take his stuff in before putting the car away. Slowly, his arms full, he approached the front door. He was fumbling with his keys when the door swung open.

“Hello, my love. I wondered how long it would take you to come home.”