Rising Tide: Dark Innocence (The Maura DeLuca Trilogy Book 1) (17 page)

I was turning over and over the
strange idea that someone so new to me had become so essential.  I
belonged
right here.  I wished I could never leave his arms, my calm turning to
desperation.  I never wanted to let him go.  I raised my arms and
pulled him closer with one, the hand of the other memorizing the texture of his
hair, as I ran my fingers over it again and again.  His arms reached out
for me too, pulling me into his lap.

My thoughts cried out, *This is so
unfair! I don’t
want
to go!*  I’d been disappointed to leave him,
yes.  But now I found it unbearable.  Was this what it was to kiss
someone?

Our kiss was growing into something
else, so he pulled back.  I knew he’d be like that.  I was beginning
to cry, my head exploding with my, now, desolate thoughts.  The tears
hovered at the edge of my lower lashes, and I knew they would spill over and
give away the depth of what I was feeling at any second.  He was staring
at me, disbelievingly.

“Maura!” he pushed me from his lap,
to my great shock.  “Are you hurt?  Did that tree branch hit you in
the eyes?”  He brought his hands up to my face, his thumbs pressing under
my eyes.  He was scrutinizing them in a way that began to frighten me.

“
Wh
—what?”
was all I could manage.

“Here let me see.”  He pulled
back and tore his shirt over his head.  I felt a thrill run through my
stomach, looking at his bare chest, despite the fact that his words were
freaking me out.  He balled the shirt up and dabbed at my eyes.

“What’s wrong,” I spat out, not
liking his troubled expression, “please tell me!”  I turned what I was
sure was a frantic look on him.  He kept dabbing gently, looking very
serious….and unnervingly wide-eyed. 

Surprisingly calm he said, “Your
eyes are bleeding.”

I gasped in horror.  “What?!”
I squealed.  I pushed his shirt-filled hands back and saw the garish
streaks across the white cotton. 

I tried to calm myself down. 
I felt nausea in the pit of my stomach and was, in the next instant, terrified
of throwing up in front of him—or on him.  I blinked heavily trying to
concentrate on my eyes instead.  There wasn’t any pain. 

“They don’t hurt….” I allowed the
logical part of my brain to take over, swallowing the panic, “Look closer, are
they cut or something?”  My hands belied my rational thought, shaking
intolerably. 
                 

He bent and pulled my eyelids up
and down, instructing me to look in different directions, as he peered
closely.  “Weird,” he still looked startled, “there’s nothing.”

I was suddenly glad it was only a
short walk back to the car.  I felt faint.  First the kissing, now
this?  Pure emotional overload. 

He was looking at me with fright in
his eyes.  I reached out to cover one of his hands with my own. 
“Hey, I’m fine.  Nothing hurts, ok?.”  I pressed the fingers of my
other hand into my closed eyes, to test my own statement.  Still, there
was no pain.

He didn’t look convinced, so I
promised profusely I would have Caelyn take me to the emerg as soon as I got
home.  He blotted at my eyes with a new patch of the shirt again.  It
came away spotless.  He seemed to relax a little. 

“Whew, that really scared me,” he
admitted, eyeing me up suspiciously.  “It really was weird.  Were you
crying?”

I turned as red as my shirt. 
“I—I…”  Could I tell him how much this separation was, abruptly, hurting
me?  Should I?

“Actually,” he said now that the
emergency seemed to be over, “I’m finding this really hard to accept.”  He
turned away, like it was just as much a struggle for him to tell me.  He
looked back at me, though, before continuing.  “I know you think we just
found each other, Maura, but you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to be with
you.  Ever since we’ve gone to school together, I’ve watched you. 
Watched you go to class, eat lunch, read your books in the library.  And I
wished I could just have the chance to talk to you.”

I felt my mouth hanging open in
shock.  How had I never noticed?

“I guess I just always thought you
were too pretty.  I could never find the courage to even say hi to
you.  Not in all those years.”  He gave me that heart-felt smile of
his, “it’s just like me to wait until you’re moving a whole country away to be
able to talk to you.”

I didn’t know which I found more
shocking.  The miracle that he found me pretty instead of strange looking,
or the fact I’d been so clueless. How had I never noticed a boy’s eyes
following my every move for all my school life?

It was too heartbreaking. 
What kind of magic was his kiss, leaving my heart and mind full of him? 
My brain called up images to torture me, as I pictured how different those
years could have been.  They filled in the loneliest gaps of my high
school years with illusory hand-in-hand strolls, gentle kisses and cuddling
into his shoulder while watching a movie on my living room couch.  I could
picture us lying on my bed, reading one of my favorite novels, opening presents
together at Christmas…Ron taking my hand and twirling me, as we danced in the
rain.

“We could have done so many things
together….”  His voice trailed off.  The way he said it made me
wonder if he might have the same sad movie playing in his mind.

I tried to choke back fresh tears,
but what I’d been imagining had them running freely down my cheeks.  I
wondered how Caelyn would take it if I demanded to stay here, knowing it was
impossible.

His expression shifted while I was
gazing into his eyes, hiding an emotion that had started to creep into his
features.  His eyes broadcast shock—or was that fear—when I’d begun to
cry.  In the next instant, he smiled warmly and used his shirt to clear
away the latest round of tears.

The locket was lying in my lap, and
he fished it out. His fingers nimbly undid the clasp in one try, and he stepped
behind me, so he could fasten it around my neck.  He kissed my forehead,
the tip of my nose, and finally my lips, very softly. 

I’d closed my eyes, and when I
opened them, his held my gaze.  His eyes were soft, just like his
heart.  Their darkness was full of promise.  “I know how you see
yourself, Maura.  But I’ll take you just the way you are.  Everything
you are.”

I crushed my face into his shoulder
then to hide.  Hide from all the things it was too late to say, all the
missed opportunities that were just too much to take.  “Thank you,” was
all I could say without breaking down.  Wasn’t this what every human
wished for—unconditional acceptance?

A bit later, after one last hug and
sweet kiss, at the car, my eyes fell upon the shirt he’d carelessly tossed into
the backseat.  It was far more streaked with red than I’d
remembered. 

He observed my scrutiny, and put
his hand under my chin so he could turn my face back to his, then opened his
mouth to speak.

“You know no matter what you say,
it’s going to start the waterworks again,” I said in a hoarse whisper. 
This agony over leaving him was a feeling I didn’t like at all.  I knew
all the months stretched out before me would be wrought with pain.  I had
a thought, “Why don’t you come visit!”  I brightened a bit, “Very soon!!”

“Yea!” he said, and smiled now
too.  “I’ll be working over the summer and save up for a plane
ticket.”  I tried to imagine what a plane ticket to Vancouver might cost.

“But…” he began again and this time
he spoke hesitantly, “I’m going to ask again.”  He looked down at the
ground for a moment, but then looked up his eyes boring into mine, shining with
a fierceness I’d never seen in them before.  “Why don’t you stay?”

My eyes popped wide at his
question, even though it was the second time he’d suggested this. 
“Stay???!”

“I can take care of you,” he
persisted, “we can just run away together.”

As violently as I wanted to stay
with him, I knew I just couldn’t do that to Caelyn.  And…I couldn’t
believe he was really saying this…it just wasn’t like
him
to be so
emotional and irrational.  My eyes narrowed as I peered at him.  He
looked a little like he was half asleep; there was a glazed look to his
eyes.  I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him softly.

“Hey, are you okay?”

He shook his head slightly and took
my hands in his, “I’m fine,” he muttered, but his voice sounded distant. 

“Hey,” I said more gently, putting
my hand on his arm in a gesture of comfort and solidity.  “You know we
can’t do that, right?”

He didn’t answer.  He dropped
his eyes to the ground.  I had no idea what he was thinking…

“I know about your mom,” I added
quietly. 

That got his attention.  The
haze cleared from his eyes and he looked at me with surprise.  “How do
you….”

“That’s not important,” I said, and
it felt like my words further ripped my heart from my chest as I spoke them,
“but I know.  And you can’t run away from that.  And I can’t run away
from Caelyn.  Or Vancouver.”  I was steadfast in my resolve,
suddenly.  As devastating as the situation was, I knew absolutely, that
now wasn’t the time for Ron and me to be together.  I didn’t know how I
knew, because I was just a stupid teenager.  And he was my first love…but
I knew.  “Your mom needs you.  And mine needs me.”  The
steadfast, responsible Maura had returned.

I thought he was going to cry, even
as hard as he was fighting against it.  But this also gave me hope. 
I knew I wasn’t alone in this grief of losing one another.  I knew that he
was taking this just as hard as I was, and in that there was strength.  This
would bring us back to each other.  “We’ll be together again, and when
that happens, it will be forever.”

I said that to Ron with complete
conviction, because I knew, above all else, this was true.  Everything
else was a blur.  The drive back to the house.  Leaving with Caelyn
in the U-Haul, his perfect face in the rearview mirror.  The forty-four
hour drive, with intermittent stops at hotels I couldn’t recall the next
day.  I think I ate, but I don’t remember any appetite after telling him
goodbye.  The only thing that stood out about our journey to our new home
in Canada was the tears that wouldn’t stop coming and the slow, painful
fracture of my heart into an infinite number of broken pieces.

My mother’s decision to move had
been brought on so abruptly, we moved into an apartment for a while, so that we
could take our time in finding a more permanent option.  As well, the
house back in Pennsylvania hadn’t sold yet, leaving Caelyn a bit short on
down-payment funds, despite her higher-than-average salary.

The apartment turned out to be
perfect.  It was a spacious, two-bedroom, corner suite, smaller than our
little house in Pennsylvania, but just enough to have a cozy feel.  Caelyn
even let me have the bigger bedroom, though I protested vehemently. 

After we’d arrived and everything
started to be a little less about leaving Ron behind, I tried to find purpose—I
was hungry for distraction.  It was still early June, with more than two
months until I would find myself lost in the world of a new classroom, with an
ocean of assignments to drown in. 

For the moment, it was my mission
to ensure the internet was up and running as soon as possible.  Our new
carrier was a company called TELUS, and they had an internet based TV service
Caelyn wanted to try.  This meant new wiring, which ultimately meant a
delay in service…or in my world, a delay in emailing Ron.  Caelyn’s
company was snail-mailing her a new cell phone with a Vancouver number, which
meant we didn’t need a home phone.  I could have called Ron, but I knew
that would be expensive.  I’d attempted this once, at one of the few
remaining pay phones in North America—the 7-11 around the corner.  I’d
desperately fed it change so that I could continue to hear the sound of his
voice, but that hadn’t lasted anywhere near long enough.  Oh well, at
least he knew we’d arrived safe.  And, after the operator had come on to
ask me for the last lingering coins in my palm he’d stammered, “I-I-I love you,
Maura.”

I hadn’t even had time to answer
him, and that was eating away at my very soul. 

Which was probably why I followed
the TELUS guy around our apartment, asking not once, but twice, how much longer
he would be.  Caelyn had obviously picked up on my obsession and ushered
me, quite unwillingly, out of the house.  I followed her sullenly around
the local mall, positive I could have been emailing Ron at that moment, if we’d
just stayed home. 

I hadn’t even noticed we’d gone
into a TELUS store until Caelyn slapped an iPhone into my palm.

I looked up at her in shock and she
rolled her eyes, “Here Maura,” she added quickly, “on one condition! You stop
moping around once you can talk to him again.”

I was gaping at her, unable to
speak.

She stood behind me and started
tapping the screen.  I’d never had a cell phone before.  I tried to
follow the movements of her nimble, practiced fingertips.

“He has one too,” she said softly. 
I felt my eyes mist over.  “See I already put his number into your phone.”

I felt my eyes light up.

“For texting!  International
calls are expensive, so we’ll discuss any of those before you make them. 
Am I clear?”

I nodded like a
bobble
-headed
idiot.  The generosity of my mother was breaking my heart all over again,
but in a warm way.  I clumsily managed to compose a short message and hit
send.  I felt a tear escape, right there in the middle of the crowded
store, when Ron texted back.

I
‘m glad you feel that way, too! : )

The rest of the summer was pretty
uneventful.  Caelyn and I fell back into our normal, old routine. 
Me, hanging around the house cleaning, watching anime and video gaming, and my
mother working away most of her waking hours.  The seasonal temperatures
were quite noticeably milder in this part of British Columbia, but I still
preferred staying indoors. 

I took over the kitchen again, once
my mother saw that I was adopting her protein-packed menu.  I enjoyed
walking up to the Safeway, which was about two blocks from our house, and
bringing home a bag full of bloody beef.  I’d taken to sneaking raw
steaks, drinking the blood from the Styrofoam trays when the meat was all gone,
like a child finishing the milk from an upturned cereal bowl.  Of course,
I was the only one home when this happened.  I felt horrified at myself
each and every time, but the taste was so heavenly, I couldn’t stop.  I
thought maybe I understood how a drug addict might feel, because it seemed
impossible for me to go more than a week without one of my fixes. 

Caelyn
was adjusting to the new office and clientele.  She must have been a
little stressed, though, as evidenced by the bundle of energy she’d
become.  She was always on edge, pushing herself even harder, working far
into the night and running on very little sleep.  It was a good thing
she’d picked up an addiction of her own—Starbucks.  But only high-test,
not the fattening, fancy lattes.  Caelyn had always been careful about her
weight, not that I’d ever noticed an ounce of weight gain, during our time
together. 

The major difference in
my
life was missing someone.  Of course I’d felt the emptiness caused by my
father’s absence, but there wasn’t a clear picture in my head of the someone I
had to do without.  With Ron the situation was so different, getting to
know him and
then
having him disappear from my daily routine.  This
made learning about email, instant messenger, and texting—things I’d never
really had a need for before—necessary parts of my survival.  When my
mother introduced me to Skype, I thought I might just be able to survive the
summer.   

We always called our Skype
conversations ‘date night.’  And I was as fussy with my hair and choice of
clothes, as if it were a real, live date.  I would have loved to be able
to see his face and languish in those deep, green-brown eyes, every night of
the week.  But after a five night run, Caelyn had stated I was becoming obsessed,
so we committed to a three night schedule….with lots of texting in between
those days. 

As much as I looked forward to
Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights, when I could see his face again, saying
goodbye at the end of an hour—a time restriction also in place to appease my
mother—left me feeling hollowed out inside.  I was sure I knew just how
Jack
O’Lanterns
must feel.

Caelyn
kept saying it would get easier, but my melancholy feeling only seemed to grow
worse.  If I went too long without speaking to him, the image of his face
burned in my mind like a hot iron, pushing through my brain and demanding my
full attention.  He made an appearance in my dreams every single night.

When August was drawing to a close,
I had to face the fact that my hermit-style existence, with which I’d grown
quite comfortable, was coming to an end.  I dreaded the new school, the
sea of unfamiliar faces.  Ron noticed the change in me.

“You aren’t saying much tonight.”
he pointed out.  This was the last Saturday before school started. 
Usually, I was jubilant that summer was finally coming to an end.

“Sorry!” I tried to perk up. 
“Hey, how’s your mom?” 

He lost his smile, and I wished I
hadn’t brought the subject up.  “It’s not good,” was all he would
say.  Over the course of our summer conversations, I’d found out his
mother had cancer.  He wouldn’t talk much about it, but I got the idea
it’d been caught much too late.

“Sorry,” I said again, but this
time scarcely above a whisper, casting my eyes down into my lap.

“It’s ok, Maura.  It’s very
sweet of you to think of her.”  He changed the subject quickly.  “But
hey, have you seen your new school yet?”

“No.”  I couldn’t help the
sullenness tainting my tone.  I didn’t dare look up.

“Ah, so that’s it!”

My eyes shot up to screen level,
“What’s it?”  I widened my eyes in false innocence.

“The reason you aren’t
yourself.  You’re worried about the new school.”

“Not really,” I tried to lie,
averting my eyes.

“Nice try,” he smirked.  “I
know you too well now for that to work.  It won’t be that bad. 
You’ve got to at least give it a chance.”

“Easy for you to say.  You
don’t even have to go back to stupid high school,” I pouted.  “You get to
start college.”  I wished he’d been able to take my mother up on her offer
and start at the University of British Columbia.  Then, I might be a
little bit happy about attending a new school. with a whole slew of strangers,
in a new country.  Ok, probably not.

“I’ve heard that Canadians are very
friendly people, so I’m sure you’ll love it.”  He offered me a smile
tinged with sadness.  “And, my course load is really heavy, so you
shouldn’t envy me at all!”  He ruffled his hair back, out of his eyes with
one hand and chuckled a little, but it sounded tense.  I wished, for the
millionth time, we were back in Pennsylvania, so I could be there—and not just
on a computer screen—to help him with what he was going through.

“Hey,” I realized, “you never told
me what your major’s going to be.”  The hour was quickly coming to an
end.  I wanted him to focus on something positive before we had to say
goodnight.

His smile was quite genuine. 
“I decided to go for Music Ed.”

“Wow a music teacher!  Very
cool.”  I offered  my best smile in return.

“Yea you know, in case the whole
band thing doesn’t work out,” his grin spread.

“And miss out on all those
groupies?” I raised an eyebrow.

His eyes softened, “Maura, you’re
the only groupie I want.”

“Maura!” Caelyn called from the
kitchen.

“I know, time’s up!” I shouted
back. 

“Actually,” she stuck her head in
the room, “I was going to see if you want to order pizza.  But you are
right, time’s up.”  She grinned at me mischievously.  “Hi Ron,” she
waved at the computer screen.

I stuck my tongue out at her while
they exchanged pleasantries.  “Pizza sounds great! With lots of meat,” I
added.

“No problem,” she mussed my hair,
and I made a small sound of protest.  “We can celebrate your last bit of
freedom before school starts.”

I made a sour face, and Caelyn made
a hasty exit. 

“
Awww
come on, Maura, cheer up.  I want my girl to be happy.”

I would have been happy if he’d
been bringing the pizza over himself, but the claim of ownership made me smile,
in spite of everything else.

“That’s better.  Now, come
here and kiss me goodnight.”

We both leaned in to kiss our
computer screens.  Nowhere near as good as the real thing…but far, far
better than nothing at all.