Rock Bottom (Dragon Within #4) (10 page)

    
Jonah
rose up on his knees, grasped my arms, and pulled me to him in an awkward kind
of hug. “I understand. I do. But you have a choice to make now. The same choice
I had to make once. You can try and turn this into a way of making things
better, or you can cave in. It’s all up to you. Nobody can make that choice for
you.”

    
For a
moment, I rested my cheek against the soft fabric of his shirt. But only for a
moment. Then I pulled away and he let me. I got up and went to kneel beside the
stream. I splashed my face with cool water. I breathed in. I breathed out. And
I knew. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed. Only it didn’t matter. I
knew that too. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Sometimes we don’t get what
we need. Sometimes we just have to make do with what we
do
get. No matter how crappy it is.

    
I stood
up and turned around, pushing my hair back from my face with both hands. “Okay.
Teach me how to meditate.”

                                        
CHAPTER EIGHT

    
As days
passed, I settled myself into a routine. Up before my friends to grab a
portable breakfast on my way to meet with Jonah. Training mixed in with a lot
of talking about nothing much. He was right about us being friends helping.

    
The
better I came to know Jonah, the easier it was to follow his directions. I
guess it was all about trust. He stopped being a stranger and became instead
someone I looked forward to hanging out with. Everything was easier when I was
around him. He helped me to not think so much about the bad things. That helped
too.

    
Afterwards, I would have lunch in the cafeteria with my friends. A quick
lunch, I might add, with very little conversation on my part. I stayed mostly
quiet out of fear of saying something that might give away what I was up to
with Jonah.

    
I wasn’t
doing anything wrong or bad, but I didn’t want to deal with Derek and Brandy
freaking out about it. And they would. Besides, in a weird kind of way, it was
kind of nice to have something that was only mine.

    
And then,
of course, training with Megara, where I couldn’t seem to put anything Jonah
was teaching me to good effect. She was so fast, and I was clamping down too
tight on my emotions to strike back at her. I was improving a little, but only
with defenses. I couldn’t hit her back.

    
No matter
how far I was coming with Jonah, a little voice in the back of my mind kept
insisting if I let myself go I would kill her. Like that woman at the airport.
She came at me with a gun, but I could have taken it away from her without
killing her. Instead, I slammed her up against a wall and smashed her head in.
I didn’t mean to, but she was just as dead.

    
I’d take
my bruised body back to our room and eat dinner there. Usually by myself. Then
I’d hit the shower and fall into bed, where I’d crash out almost soon as my
head hit the pillow. Only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

    
It
started to feel as if I were reliving the same day over and over. Everything
got blurry around me and I lost all track of time. I couldn’t have said what
day of the week it was, much less the date.

    
I barely
even noticed it when Stephanie arrived. She was nothing but another face I
didn’t spend much time looking at. You may be wondering if I ever stopped to
think about how I was pulling myself away from the people who mattered most to
me. I wish I could say yes. I’d feel so much better about myself if I could.
But I’m not going to lie. Not now.

    
I thought
about Zack, though. At least at first. But then it got to where I didn’t even
think about him. I went into this kind of daze and I did it on purpose without
realizing it. The only time I felt any happiness was when I was with Jonah.
When I was around my friends, when I was thinking about Zack, it was all too
hard. Too complicated. My friends were safe and Zack didn’t want anything to do
with me, so why think about any of it?

    
So
imagine my surprise when on my way to meet Jonah one morning, I came around a
corner and nearly ran directly into Zack. I skidded to a stop. “Oh my god!” I
clapped a hand to my chest. “You scared me. What are you doing lurking around
back here?”

    
“I’m not
lurking,” Zack said with a scowl. “I was waiting for you.”

    
“Oh?” I
pushed my hair back behind one ear. “What would make you think I’d be here? At
this time? In the morning?” I laughed. Why did I laugh? I don’t know, I was
nervous. Give me a break.

    
“Isn’t
this the way you always come when you go sneaking off to meet Jonah?”

    
My heart
leapt directly into the middle of my throat. “What? That’s” again with the
laugh, “silly. What are you talking about?” I put my hands on my hips and gave
my head a little toss. “I have no idea what you mean.” Oh yeah, I was super
smooth.

    
“Cut the
act.” Zack stepped in closer to me. “Every day you meet up with Jonah a couple of
halls down from here and the two of you sneak off to some part of the bunker
where the electricity doesn’t even run. I’ve seen you. So don’t try to tell me
you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

    
“You’ve
been spying on me?” Heat crawled up the side of my neck. “That is really
creepy. Have you been sneaking into my room at night to watch me sleeping too?”

    
A little
frown line pinched his forehead. “What?”

    
I rolled
my eyes. “Never mind. You have some nerve, did you know that? Sneaking around.
Following me. If you wanted to know what I was doing, then why didn’t you ask?
Oh yeah, that’s right, it would be kind of hard to ask when you haven’t even
bothered showing up once since we got here.”

    
“You
don’t need another useless friend hanging around,” he said. “Somebody has to
watch your back and I’m the only one who seems interested in the job.”

    
I wasn’t
sure whether to be happy he was concerned about me, or angry he felt I needed
watching over. “Watch my back? For what? We’re perfectly safe down here.”

    
“You
don’t know that.”

    
“Are you
for real?” I shook my head. “If you’ve been watching me so closely, then why is
it you don’t know where I go with Jonah?”

    
He
crossed his arms. “You’re easy to follow. Most of the time you’re so far inside
your own head you don’t have a clue what’s going on around you. Jonah seems a
little more observant. I thought he might catch me.”

    
“Look, I
don’t need a babysitter, okay? I didn’t ask you to follow me around, but I am
going to ask you to stop. And you better not tell anybody about me and Jonah.
It’s none of your business.”

    
“Afraid
Derek and Brandy wouldn’t approve of your new boyfriend?”

    
My mouth
dropped open, but no sound came out. Oh. My. God. Zack was jealous. It was
written in every tense muscle in his body. In the way his eyes narrowed at the
corners whenever either one of us said Jonah’s name. At another time I would
have been positively giddy at this revelation, but right then I was too mad for
that. He didn’t have a right to be jealous. He didn’t have a right to start
acting like he cared because he thought I was into someone else.

    
“I’m not
playing this game with you,” I said. “Not anymore. It’s gotten real old, real
fast. Either you want me or you don’t.” I brushed past him. “When you get it
figured out, you let me know.”

    
Zack
grabbed my arm and yanked me back into his chest. Then he kissed me.
Kissed
me,
as if that alone would be enough. I gathered up what little air was between us
and used it to shove him away.

    
He
stumbled into the wall. Shock registered in his eyes, but it was quickly
replaced by anger.
 
And I won’t deny I
felt a little thrill of fear. As many people as I’d seen him kill, I think I
had the right.

    
I held up
my hand. “Don’t you ever touch me like that again. You don’t get to treat me
like dirt and ignore me, then kiss me because you think I’m with someone else.
That is not how this works. I’m not some handy pair of lips and this is not
some halfway kind of thing. It’s everything or nothing from here on out.
Anything else hurts too much.” That was saying more than I really meant to, but
once the words got started I couldn’t make them stop.

    
Zack kind
of slumped and then he looked at the floor. Something I’d never seen him do
before. “You know I’m not any good at...” He sighed. “You’d be better off with
Jonah anyway.”

    
Was he
dense or what? “Did you hear anything I just said? I’m not
with
Jonah.
He’s training me. That’s all.”

    
“Training
you?” Zack gave me this puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

    
Did you
ever want to smack someone for asking you a stupid question? Then you know
exactly how I was feeling right then. “I think training is pretty much
self-explanatory.”

    
“What
kind of training could a spirit dragon give you?”

    
“The kind
I can’t get from anyone else.” I think he flinched at that, but it might have
only been my overheated brain imagining things. “He’s teaching me how to center
myself and let my powers flow through my emotions the way they’re supposed to.”

    
“But
you’re training with Megara.”

    
I
snorted. “Megara’s idea of training is to use me as a punching bag. I am
learning from her too, but I’m getting a lot more from Jonah.” Okay, that time
I’m almost sure he flinched.

    
“If it’s
nothing but training, what’s with all the secrecy?”

    
“Jonah is
worried if Megara found out she’d put a stop to it. And I’m worried Derek and
Brandy will think the same thing you’re thinking. Which is so wrong. Jonah is
my trainer. He... Well, I guess he’s my friend too. But that’s it.”

    
Zack eyed
me like he was trying to decide whether or not I was lying. “Where are you
training?”

    
I
hesitated. Breaking my promise to Jonah was something I’d had no intention of
doing, but if I refused to answer Zack then he’d go right back thinking I was
lying. His jealously was kind of nice, in a way, but I didn’t want him walking
away thinking I was with someone else.

    
“Jonah
found a hidden way out of the bunker,” I said. “It leads out into the woods.
That’s where we train. But it’s a secret. Megara would close it off if she
knew. Come on, don’t look at me like that. I feel guilty enough about it
already. I know it’s not fair to keep something like that to ourselves, but you
can’t blame Jonah for wanting a way out.”

    
“Everyone
down here wants a way out.”

    
“I know.
But if I tell not only will I lose a place to train, I’ll lose Jonah. And I
need him. You don’t want to hear me say it, but it’s true. Something we’re
doing is working. I feel like I’m really starting to get a handle on my
powers.”

    
Zack
scowled. “Fine. But I want you to show me this hidden exit. I want to see where
it goes.”

    
“Why?”

    
“If the
bunker is attacked, don’t you think it would be good if we had another way out
besides through the front door?”

    
He did
make a good point. I nodded. “Tonight, after everyone’s asleep, I’ll meet you
back here. I have to go now. Jonah’s waiting on me.”

    
“I don’t
like that guy,” Zack said. “I don’t trust him. If he’s helping you now, he’s
going to want something for it later.”

    
“You
don’t even know him,” I said. “He’s not like that.”

    
“You’re
awful quick to jump to his defense.”

    
“Because
he’s my friend. I defend my friends.” I started down the hall, but paused
before I turned the corner. I had something more to say and I was going to have
to say it quick before I lost my nerve.

    
“When we
meet up tonight, I want an answer.” It was so hard to meet his gaze, but I did
it anyway. “You want me or you don’t. No more in-between.” I hurried away
before he could say anything.

    
My heart
raced and a low, sick feeling started in my guts. I could not believe I’d just
given Zack an ultimatum. What if his answer was no? How was I going to deal
with that? How do you go on if the person you love doesn’t love you back?

    
A few halls
over, Jonah was waiting for me with two flashlights like always. He smiled and
I smiled, but I cut my gaze away from his as I took one of the flashlights. The
feeling in my guts wasn’t all worry, some of it was guilt too.

    
Like Zack
said, the part of the bunker we entered wasn’t serviced by the generators. It
was pitch black down those halls. Our flashlights barely made a dent. If we’d
turned them off we would have been in that kind of darkness where you can’t
tell if your eyes are open or closed.