rock (16 page)

topaz

Winter comes.

Jace doesn’t.

He has the chance to play a few gigs, so he won’t be home until Christmas.

I call him to make alternate plans.

“I’ll come down,” I say as soon as he picks up. “Can take a flight tomorrow. I’d love to watch your gigs.”

“Cooper,” Jace says. His tone sounds distant. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“I’m going to be in rehearsals most of the time. You’ll be bored.”

“I see.” And I do, clearly. My eyes sting and my throat tightens.

Jace quickly changes the topic. “But hey, what’s new? How’s Annie?”

“Same old. She’s fine. You?”

“Tried this fish and chips place near campus, it was great.”

“Better than the one we go to here?”

“Different.”

“So not better?”

“Cooper! Fuck. They don’t use canola oil to fry the fish.”

“We never asked what they use here. Could be coconut, maybe.”

Silence.

I sit on the end of his bed and wish I had something else to say. But I don’t. Neither does he.

A male voice speaks in the background, and Jace answers, “Just my brother. Be there soon.”

Just my brother.

My stomach twists.

“Sorry,” I say hurriedly. “Bert and Ernie just showed up. We’re hitting some clubs tonight. I gotta . . . yeah. Later.”

I barely give him the time to say goodbye before hanging up. I rummage for some topaz, hoping it will cure me from the deep madness creeping into my mind.

* * *

I’m not expecting Jace to phone me the next week, but when he doesn’t, I curl into his bed and let the tears fall.

The edge of the pillow is wet. I shift, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. Lila startles me when she plops onto the edge of the bed and pats my back. I didn’t even hear the door open. “Hey. Cheer up, love.”

I roll onto my back and throw an arm over my face to hide my tears. “Lila.”

Please go away. Leave me alone.

“Oh, darling.” She touches my hair. “This has gone on too long. It hurts to see you so depressed.”

“I’m not”—sniff—“depressed.”

I stiffen as I realize I’m in Jace’s bed. What is Lila thinking?

“It’s hard being the one left behind, isn’t it?”

A gurgling sound escapes as I try to stop my tears.

She strokes my hair, making my tears leak faster.

“I felt like that when your Dad left for America in my last year of school, too. He was my best friend. I cried and listened to a lot of U2, wallowing in my misery. It was tough going from hanging every day to nothing but the occasional call.”

I nod.

“I miss Jace too. He grew up too damn fast.”

“Do you cry and listen to U2 now?”

Her fingers stop moving. “All the time. Usually in the car. I’ll look into the empty passenger seat like I used to when he was younger, and I wish he’d never grown up.”

“Does it make you mad he didn’t come for winter?”

“No.”

I sniff.

She continues. “I’m happy that he’s making his own way in life. Trying new things. Learning more about himself and what he wants. I’m proud of him, even though it hurts to feel the ties between us lengthen.”

I shift my arm and look up at her. Her blue eyes are framed by dark hair like his. Hers is still short, not fully grown out yet like it was before she got sick. “Sorry,” I murmur.

“What for?”

I shrug. “For being mad at him.”

She leans down and kisses my forehead. “It’s okay to feel that way. You’ll be all right. We’ll stick it out together. Before we know it, he’ll be home for Christmas.”

* * *

Come Christmas holidays, Annie, Darren, Bert, Ernie, and I are in Auckland to see Fat Freddy’s Drop. I can barely concentrate on enjoying the music, knowing Jace is arriving in Wellington. I jump to the beat, banging into Darren and Ernie on either side of me. When it’s half over, I sneak into the bathroom and call Dad’s landline. Lila answers. “Yes, he’s arrived!”

“All safe?”

“Yes, safe. A friend of his is staying for a couple of nights too. I’ve set up Annie’s old room for him. She’ll be staying in her flat when you guys get home, right?”

“Yeah.” It sucks to have missed Jace’s arrival but maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’ll show him that his lack of contact hasn’t hurt me at all.

Not at all.

Someone bangs on the door of my stall and tells me to hurry up. I flip him the bird as I wrap up the conversation and head back to the dance floor. The music scorches the air and makes me forget about reality for a few hours.

Afterwards, we take a bus to the beach close to our hotel. The sky is navy, streaked with purple rivulets, the last goodbye of today’s sun. The cool sand is a pleasant contrast to the humid air, and the crashing waves mesmerize me with their glowing white tips. Annie and Darren are comparing thoughts about the concert—he liked it more than she did. He’s trying to convince her she really loved it, and Annie is laughing against his chest. I smile and veer off to the water.

I’ve just taken my shoes off when Ernie bounds over. Bert is sitting on a piece of driftwood doing something on his phone.

“So,” he says.

“So.”

He shrugs and gets to it. “You’ve been distant this year.”

No point in lying about it now. “A bit, yeah.”

“We’ve been worried.”

“I’m good. I’ll be fine.”

“Good. Sweet.” He takes off his shoes and wades into the water with me. “We hope that you’re going to be okay next year without us to keep you in check.”

I laugh. “Yeah, thanks for keeping it real.”

We stop walking, and our feet sink into the sand as the tide pulls out. “You’ve made me a better person, Coop. I never would have lifted a finger or done anything at school without your help. I might have laughed it off but it was really cool of you, man. Bert will never say it, but he loved that you watched his games even though rugby isn’t your thing. You’re solid, dude.”

I don’t know what to say. “You were both there for me too.”

Another wave pulls the sand under our feet.

“I’m about sapped out.” Ernie jerks a thumb toward the others. “Shall we?”

He moves to leave, and I snatch him back into a hug. The next wave catches us at the backs of our knees, soaking the pants we’d rolled up. We thump each other between the shoulder blades three times and break apart.

lapis lazuli

As soon as our plane lands in Wellington, I beeline to the hatchback in long-term parking. Darren is dropping Annie off, and I’m stuck with Bert and Ernie, who are racing to keep up with me.

“Dude, what’s the rush?”

“Nothing. Just want to get home.”

Ernie slaps my shoulder. “You’re kidding, right?” Ernie says this lightly, but he’s been quieter today, sort of mellow, and I know he’s thinking of Bert going to Auckland and me to Dunedin, leaving him here. “You can’t leave us. We have a whole evening of drinking and debauchery planned.”

“While that sounds positively awesome,” I say, moving the seat forward to let Ernie in, “I’m going to pass.”

“But—”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

Bert grumbles, shrugs.

“Promise.”

That gets a small grin. “Next time we get together, it’d better be epic. Something to remember.”

I drop them both at Ernie’s and beat every traffic light home under the red evening sun. The inside of the house is illuminated but Dad and Lila’s car isn’t in the garage. I pull in, too excited to bother searching for a parking spot.

Okay, this is it. Nonchalance does it.

I run a hand through my hair and flatten my Radio One T-shirt. In my jean’s pocket is a smooth, bottle-brown stone I found at Auckland harbor that morning.

I’m ready. At least, I will be ready as soon as my heart stops bashing my ribs.

What will Jace look like? Will he have filled out more? Will his hair be short, messy, untamed? Will he smile when he sees me? Will he forget everyone else?

Deep breath. One step at a time.

I race inside, throwing my keys onto the shelf by the garage door.

Jace could be out, I suppose. Out for dinner and forgot to switch off—

A creak from upstairs.

Jace!

I don’t care that it’s been weird between us for six long months. I’m going to crush him into a hug because dammit, I have missed him.

I take the steps two at a time and walk slowly down the hall. It won’t look good to surprise him while puffing. The nerves! I pause for a moment to take a deep breath.

The hallway drags forever. Another creak beckons me to Jace’s room. I pass the gaming room and the broom closet, trailing my fingers over the wall.

Dickweed,
I’ll tell him,
you should have called.

And then I’ll launch into the hug.

His bedroom door is closed, so I squeeze the cool handle as though it’s one of my rocks. It instantly cuts through a blurred year, and unexpectedly, everything appears brighter, harder, colder. Even the air tastes sweeter.

I slowly push open the door—

Jace is sitting on the end of his bed, chin lifted, lips parted, his profile glowing amber in the evening sun. His T-shirt is bunched in one hand, and he’s fumbling with the greenstone hook at his chest with the other.

I smile, fully prepared to race in and tackle him down to the—

He’s not alone.

A mop of blond hair swirls vigorously in his lap.

The blur rushes back over me like thick fog. I wish it were thicker.

The guy with the mop of blond is on his knees sucking forcefully at Jace’s cock. The bed creaks as Jace flexes deeper into his mouth. He lets the T-shirt go and threads his fingers around the guy’s hair, then manually guides the depth and pace of his thrusts. The sucking and slurping is so fucking loud. How did I not hear it? How do they not fucking see me rooted in the doorway?

Jace moans and shuts his eyes. Blond Mop works faster, faster, faster—

Jace pushes the guy off him and comes in his hand.

I find the strength in my legs to silently shuffle backward to my room. The open door will be Jace’s only clue.

I shut my door quietly behind me. I pull out the beach stone from Auckland. Just a regular stone. One of a million. I should never have gone into his room with just this. I should have had a piece of lapis lazuli—rich blue, the color of his eyes. A stone said to offer protection; a stone believed to foretell love that would be forever faithful.

With that in my pocket, I would have gone into Jace’s room and left satisfied.

I speed-dial Ernie.

“About that debauchery—I’ve changed my mind. I’m in.”

* * *

Bert and Ernie down a third shot of Tequila. I’m only on my second, but I’m halfway drunk already. The music rings obnoxiously in my ears and makes it impossible to think. I love it.

I don’t want to think. I want to—

I throw back my shot, hop off the barstool, and sink into the crowd. The sweaty air smells of beer and citrus, threatening the nice buzz I have.
It’s the wrong kind of citrus. Too sour.

Dance!

The night becomes a blur of color, smiles, and whispers that coax me closer to some guy who is eye-fucking me from across the room. I saunter up and sway against him. His hands fumble under my shirt and over my back. He presses me against his stiff cock.

I shut my eyes against the image of Jace, head thrown back, moaning—

I slide my hand into my pocket and remove the stone. I drop it onto the dance floor and rub myself harder against my dance partner, who doesn’t smell or feel like Jace, which is what I need.
Make me forget.
“What’s your name?”

“Daniel.” Doesn’t sound like Jace, either. “Yours?”

I kick the stone as far away from us as possible. “Cooper.”

marble

I wake at midday to the distant sound of yelling and laughing. My head pounds and my mouth is dry, tongue glued to the roof. I throw on a T-shirt and shorts before I hunt in the kitchen for water and a magic cure for hangovers.

I drink three glasses of water and take a pain killer.

Why do people think alcohol is fun?

Never again.

I rub my tender temples, moaning under my breath. My head feels like I’ve been bashing it against the marble counter.

I’m not proud. No matter how much I wanted to cut through the fog, going back to Daniel’s place had been a mistake.

But at least I’m not a virgin anymore.

Flashes of my cock pushing into his ass while he moaned and begged make me blush again. I fling open the cupboard—
any
cupboard that will shield me from Lila.

Can’t shield you from what happened, though.

Dizziness and shame war for dominance. I pull out a fresh cup and turn to the sink. Movement flutters outside the windows. Over the tier curtains, I observe Dad, Jace, and Blond Mop kicking around a soccer ball.

Lila slithers up to my side with the water jug and fills my cup with water.

“Jace missed you last night.”

Somehow I doubt that.

“We came home with enough takeout to feed an army. Annie texted Dad and said you were on your way home and that she was going back to her flat. Said she’ll come by tonight.”

I finally draw away from the view of Dad juggling the ball and Jace copying him. “Bert and Ernie wanted us to hang.”

The tea kettle whistles. I grab Annie’s stash of green tea and force a spoonful into filter bags.

I feel justified and dirty at the same time.

Dirty.

I shiver. Despite showering for an hour, the bad memory from last night lingers.

Turn around. So I don’t have to see your face. So I can imagine you’re him.

I switch off the tea kettle and pour water over the tea leaves. We sit at the dining table, sipping.

It doesn’t cleanse me as I hoped it would.

The back door bursts open and Dad strolls into the kitchen. “Cooper!” he says. “Brilliant, you can even up the teams. Get your shoes on.”

“Nah, I don’t feel like playing.”

“Just half an hour. It’ll be fun. You and your dad against Jace and Samuel.”

Samuel.

I stare at a leaf floating in the last dregs of tea.

Dad will announce that I’m back home. I will have to face Jace and Samuel eventually—and rather than let Jace wonder why I refuse to come out now and say hello, I could have the upper hand. I could go out there and pretend like nothing matters. Like Jace and his friend are the last things on my mind.

All
—thrust—
I
—thrust—
Want
—thrust—
Is
—thrust—
You, Jace
.

Jace? Who’s Jace?

Heat floods every pore and I drink the last of my tea, leaf and all. “Okay.” I pad toward the back door and slip on a pair of sneakers. They feel strange over bare feet but at this point, what doesn’t?

I push through the back door and brusquely walk to Jace, who is standing with his back to me. Samuel sees me first but before Jace can turn, I throw an arm around him and thump his chest, right where the hook is. “Hey stranger,” I say into his ear.

His body tenses for a moment, and his muscles shift as he twists around and grabs me into a bear hug. He holds me so tightly I can barely breathe, but my insides twist and tears prick at my eyes. True to form, he smells faintly like oranges.

“Cooper,” he says against my neck. His words ooze hurt and regret, surprise and joy. The way he clutches me says everything.
I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I just didn’t know how to tell you I met someone else. I didn’t know how to say I’ve moved on. But I’ve missed you, I have. You’re my friend. My brother.

I break away from the hug, struggling to hold myself together. I summon every ounce of willpower to extend a hand to Samuel.

He’s shorter than Jace and I, and I’m happy about this. “Samuel,” he says. “Jace’s . . . friend.” Samuel’s gaze flashes nervously to Jace’s, and I follow it.

Jace swallows. He knows I’m staring at him but he won’t look over.

Dad kicks the soccer ball into our midst and joins us. “Cooper and I against you Otago boys.”

We play, and despite the hangover, I kick and weave and score in earnest. No one can stop me because I can’t let them. Won’t let them.

After twenty minutes, Dad calls for a break. I juggle the ball in the corner of the field as I let them catch their breath. Jace moves close to Samuel and says something in his ear while rubbing his upper arm. He breaks away and jogs over to me.

I keep juggling. Three, four, five, six—header—seven, eight—

“I know what you’re thinking, but don’t do it, okay?” Jace whispers.

I catch the ball and hold it under my arm. “Don’t do what?” My glare drifts over to Samuel, who’s making my dad laugh.

Jace steps closer, chuckling and shaking his head. “I see it on your face. The way you look at him.” He pries the ball from me. “You want to kick this ball in his face just like you did to me.”

“I saw you two,” I say.

He stills and mutters, “The door. That was you then?”

“Do you love him?”

A sigh. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend.
“Told the folks you’re gay yet?”

“Bisexual, and yes, that kind of came up last night.”

I don’t bother to ask if they took it well. Of course they did.

Boyfriend.

“How long?”

“Since before winter but we were mates for a bit first.”

“How did you meet?”

He quiets, then says, “Kepler Track. A mate invited him along on our hike.”

I’m shaking as I recall his words:
This stone made sleeping impossible. It kept digging into my back, so I snuck out of the tent in the middle of the night, lifted the pegs, and pulled it out. Still couldn’t sleep, though. After that, all I could think about was
rocks
.

Was it really the stone that interrupted his sleep?

“Kepler Track,” I repeat. I walk backward, blindly moving toward the house.

“Just a second,” Jace calls out to Dad and Samuel as he chases after me.

I run up the stairs before he can stop me, but I’m not fast enough to slam the door in his face.

He pushes in and I ignore him, fishing for my damn phone.

I scroll through my contacts until I find last night’s mistake. On the third ring, “Daniel here.”

“Hey, Daniel, Cooper here. Wanted to see how you’re doing.”

He murmurs. “Good. Real good.”

“Last night was—good for me too.
We should do it again some time.”

“Sounds goo—”

Jace smacks the phone out of my hand. It hits the floor so hard the screen cracks. Before I can chase after the call, Jace spins me around. His jaw is clenched and his gaze is livid.

“What are you doing?”

“Same thing you are.”

“Not the same thing. I
know
Samuel.”

Samuel, not Sam? “You’ve no idea how well I know Daniel—”

“You should’ve held out until you found someone you care about!”

“You care about Samuel?”

I realize I’ve been clinging to the hope that their relationship is only about sex. But he actually
cares
?

I turn so he doesn’t see the traitorous tear running down my cheek.

“Well, I mean, yeah, he’s a good guy.”

I nod and pick up my phone, which mirrors my cracked reflection. Fitting.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he continues as I slouch on the side of my bed. “But I had to make those feelings go away.”
You want to have normal ones, not about your maybe brother.

“I don’t care,” I say.

Jace rocks on his heels. Hesitates. Whispers, “I do.”