Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) (17 page)

I entered the bathroom upstairs. As I fumbled for the light on the side wall, the window to the front of the house allowed me the nighttime’s street view. I saw a vehicle with the headlights on and a person climbing into the front seat with dark hair just touching below the shoulder of their jacket. By the time I got closer to the window and opened it up, they had pulled out and were driving down the street. I shook my head, and told myself I was wishing something that wasn’t and that I had way too much to drink.

As the party was dying down, Jillian hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry Rand was a no show, I wasn’t sure if he would be here that’s why I didn’t mention it to you earlier. But I love you so happy birthday! And please don’t be mad at me, but I’m bailing and taking Raeford home with me now!” I didn’t blame her, he was one chiseled, hot man and she deserved him. I was going to tell him to tell Rand hello or some other stupid thing since I’d had too much to drink, but I just thanked him so much for coming. I watched his ass the entire way as they left my house; Jillian was one lucky girl this evening.

Thomas stayed on to help clean up and Cecile was still talking to us as she headed out the door. I hugged her and thanked her and asked her if she was okay to drive. We decided that if the weather permitted, to go out to one of the orchards in Bucks County the next morning. We wanted to get some pumpkins and definitely pumpkin pie and then stop at the band’s rehearsal studio as Raeford told me where to find a hidden key so I could get in and show her the place. Raeford said he may be there as well and he could talk to her briefly.

The house was quiet now as we stopped playing the music and I fell into my sofa and closed my eyes. Thomas had remained. He came over to me and leaned into me and kissed me slowly. I drank a lot this evening and even just the sensation of lips crossing over mine, made me tingle. I pulled Thomas into the sofa with me and continued to kiss him. He gingerly took his lips down to my neck and climbed on top of me, keeping me pinned to the flat of the sofa below. I could feel that he wanted me. Silently in that moment of us kissing, he was telling me that he needed me. I was looking up at him from beneath his hold. “Madison you are so beautiful. I should have never let you go.” I pulled him in again and I swirled my tongue deep in his mouth, I was feeling so aroused, but not by Thomas, just by the act of kissing him, licking his lips and feeling him fill my mouth with his passion. I felt I was using him as a replacement for the desire I wanted to feel, and the taste I yearned for from Rand. Thomas pulled me in and I turned slightly, satisfied to have been kissed and so passionately. I closed my eyes and sighed and pretended to pass out so that he would not continue.

He rose and kissed me on the forehead and spoke, “Madison, I still love you, and I know you love me.” I heard him walk away as he gathered a blanket from the other room and I felt him cover me halfway. I heard the front door shut as he left my house. I opened my eyes as I laid there and thought of nothing but Rand. I sat up for a bit and began to write another love note for Rand, in my notebook.

Rand:

In an old attic trunk you store away treasures and keepsakes. Some may be good, some maybe unfavorable and many were part of your life that made you grow. I have stored a memory away of my marriage to Thomas. That time was wonderful, but the ending destroyed me. Now one of the trunk’s contents has escaped the confines, climbed out and dusted itself off. This is Thomas. He has reinvented himself to come back to me thinking I will just fold and crumble and welcome him back and become his wife again. I don’t know why I am writing this to you, but I feel that you should know that had I not met you this may have been an option for me. It was meeting you that made me something more.

Time that passed after Thomas left me and then our divorce put me at the lowest point I can remember. Reaching out to you with confidence to write again and your taking me along with you and the band was a fit in my life that has made me better. I know I still have feelings for Thomas. I just can’t turn them off, but it’s different now. The feelings that I have for you are what I turn to in my every day thoughts as of late. I believe fate has also come from my stored trunk in the attic and become the force or principle believed to predetermine events. As I am torn with feelings that tug in my heart, I am certain you are in my life now for a reason and the timing of us sharing moments and touches and kisses may become our wonderful destiny.

Maddy xo

I fell asleep with my pen and notebook spread on my chest. I was awakened midway through the night when I heard an awful rendition of the Happy Birthday song being left on my answering machine and I heard chuckling from girls in the background. As I made my way to the kitchen for a huge drink of water and to take a few aspirins to prevent my morning hangover I hit the play button and heard the song again. It was from Rand. He was drunk, it sounded in his singing voice and I heard girls with him asking him who is Madison that you are singing to, who is she?…he simply said to them in a cold tone,
no one, let it go.
This was the Rand of late that I was seeing all too often on the internet and now hearing him not in a manner I would fantasize about. Back in my bed I turned to my side and placed my notebook on the flat of the comforter and began to write, all I kept thinking about was Rand.

Rand:

I would never want to change you as you are so different in ways that I think we complement one another. But, I don’t now at this moment if I can ever really be with you or if we will ever make that step to be a couple. I see so many photos of you and fan made video clips that make my stomach turn. Not as jealousy but that we share moments together and then I see a clip of you with another in a stolen moment. It makes me believe that our time spent together may have no special meaning to you. I want to feel safe again in life, have that person as my rock, build that relationship…but you to me are unsure, the flight risk, and the wanderer.

This doesn’t mean I have no feelings for you because of this as my feelings are so intense for you. But how do I get us, if there is to ever be us, on the same page. I don’t think I could ever be truly intimate with you and not wonder about you off at the next concert in another city. I trust you when you are near; it is the distance that I fear. I too have been drawn back at moments to Thomas and that is not fair to you although I don’t think you even know that at all. I guess, who am I to question your ethics and morals and actions when I am no better? I wish some of our habits could change or we could work on them together. Maybe one day I will have the voice to share these thoughts with you.

Maddy xo

I am not sure when I finally closed my eyes to the dark of the night, but I was sleeping very deeply under my comforter when I heard my phone sound again in the early morning hours. I reached to my nightstand and picked it up to see Cecile’s name and knew she was wide awake and cheery already. Her message was –

Up, Up, Up. We have a nice day planned. I’ll be over soon. I am so looking forward to seeing
The Wall
you write about and their studio.

I dragged myself to the shower; I put it on a cooler setting and stood in the center cursing at the chill but letting it awaken my senses and banish any arousal resulting from thoughts of Rand. I was up now and knew Cecile would be eager and full of excitement today. I decided with the autumn coolness now upon us that I would wear a rust colored sweater and I pulled on my low rise jeans and boots. Definitely not flip flop weather anymore. I grabbed a multi shimmered scarf and looped it around my neck and took my camel colored jacket.

It was the beep, beep, beep that told me Cecile had arrived. One beep I would have known she was here, but three possibly four…I heard them all. As I climbed into her car, I programmed her GPS with the address for the band’s location. Before we got there we stopped at one orchard and another small pumpkin stand along the way. I actually got a cider donut and some coffee at one as I had not eaten since earlier last night at my party. As we drove along the road, the fall foliage was in full glory. The colors were so beautiful and vivid, it was almost as if they were painted rather than naturally occurring. It happens like this every season for several weeks. The leaves are beautiful and then as fast as they turn brilliant and lovely they drop and we know winter has begun. But I was soaking in the sun coming through the windshield and watching all the orange and golden colors bounce about outside from the trees as the rays pierced through the branches.

“Here we are, we have reached our destination,” Cecile exclaimed, sounding too much like the GPS voice, as we turned down the winding road that led up to the barn and the house off in the distance. “This is so beautiful; it looks like a canvas painting.” It did indeed, it was lovely. My eyes looked to the house and I didn’t see any activity or any vehicle parked out front. At the barn there was one unfamiliar car parked there. It may have been one of the band members’. I know it wasn’t Rand’s. I pointed out where Cecile should park. As we walked up to the barn, Cecile pulled out her phone and was taking many photos. She even wound up getting one of me with all the autumn colored trees and the barn off in one corner of the photograph. She snapped it and showed me. It was a great photo, because I knew I was thinking of Rand, and being here at his place.

I found the key that they kept hidden but I didn’t have to use it as the main door was open. When we went in I hollered. “Hello is anyone here?” as the entire rehearsal area was not lit up. Slowly coming out of the darkness was Raeford, “Hey, good morning Madison, how are you feeling? Oh, hey Cecile, nice to see you again.”

“I’m feeling better, I drank too much. Hey, thanks for coming last night. Are you alone here?”

“No.”

I got flutters in my belly thinking Rand was near. “I got your company now,” Raeford said. And right he was, since Cecile and I arrived he wasn’t alone. He told us he was gathering some things from the barn to take back to California early tomorrow. I did not question where Rand was especially after my early morning sing along. Cecile was in a sprint up to
The Wall,
examining everything and there was plenty of memorabilia to absorb. She asked if Raeford would answer some questions for her and I hit him with a stack of my own notes that I wanted him to look over as a second set of eyes from the band’s perspective.

I was just walking about in the studio and I said, “Are you both okay for a bit, I want to just go outside and take a walk and get some air?” They told me to go ahead that they’d be fine.

As I opened the outer door I sucked in the cool refreshing air and it filed my lungs and revitalized me. I walked over to Cecile’s car because I had left my voice recorder there and wanted to get some thoughts out. I sat in the car with the door partially open. I decided that I felt too weird being here without Rand and wanted to tell him that I was at least here as a courtesy. I pulled out my phone and sent him a message.

Rand, I wanted to tell you I stopped here at the rehearsal studio, I ran into Raeford and he said it was okay. He is still here. He and Jillian got reacquainted last night, they are very striking together. Rand…can we talk sometime soon?

There was too quick of a message received back from Rand.

Madison, I have tried to talk to you. I’ve texted you about three times a day for these past months. I know that’s over one hundred messages.

I was suddenly confused; I knew I never received any. I replied –

I never received any of them.

Rand sent me his reply –

I never could press the
Send
button.

I started to cry, my tears chilled against my cheeks as the air from beyond the open car came through to me. The car door opened wider and there he stood. It had been so long since I had seen him live and in person in front of me. It was almost like a mirage. I wiped my tears with my hand, looking in the other direction as he bent down into the door and took hold of my right hand. I rose up from the car seat and suddenly locked into an embrace with him. Rand pushed me to the side of the car and rested his hands above me, trapping me in his hold. He looked down at my tear filled eyes and began to kiss me slowly, first my forehead, then my bridge of my nose, I closed my eyes. I’d wished for this to happen for so long and I felt his tender lips sweetly kiss my eyelid. He then moved to my lips, possessing my mouth as he took over.

He deeply kissed me, claiming my lips in every wet taste and lick. I had known I felt this passion for him for so long. Being away from his attention and kisses made me yearn for him and want him so much more. I didn’t want this to stop. I lifted my hands up under his jacket and under his shirt to feel his naked skin that warmed under my touch. I played with each of his nipples and licked his lips as he moaned from my playful touches. He dropped his arms and reached back behind me to lift me up; I pulled my arms out and clasped them behind his neck tightly. He carried me the long way across the landscaped, autumn colored lawn and up the steps and he set me down on the porch bench as he opened the front door. With the door open, he came over picked me up again and carried me into the house, he closed the door with his foot and up the steps we went. We went to the end of the long hall to his bedroom. It was opulent and beautiful with cathedral ceilings.

I came to rest as he laid me on his king sized bed that had a beautiful atrium window view just behind. We hadn’t spoken a word. I sat up slightly only to have him remove my jacket one sleeve at a time and then tear off my scarf and sweater. With him next to me, I slid off his leather jacket and took his shirt up over his head. He tugged at my boots and tossed them someplace in the room. I laid back down into the softness of the comforter. He undid my belt and the zipper of my jeans. Pausing, he took my scarf and tied my hands gently together at my wrists and placed them up above my head. He removed his boots and started to kiss me just teasingly on the mouth and then continued downward. My chest heaved, straining toward his mouth; I lifted to meet each kiss. I wanted his mouth on every inch of my body.