Rogue Wave (The Water Keepers, Book 2) (4 page)

I finally had to turn and face him. I opened my lips to speak, but as soon as my gaze met his crystal eyes, my expression wrinkled. “Um,” I said. I looked away again, trying to control the urge to cry. “I just was thinking…we should…”

I couldn’t mask my emotions well enough. Rayne placed his hand on my cheek and turned it towards him. “Okay, now you’re starting to worry me,” he said. “Did something happen to you tonight? What’s going on?”

I forced a smile. “No, really. I promise I’m okay. I’m not sure why I’m acting like such a baby about this. It shouldn’t be that big a deal.”

“It’s okay, Sadie. Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

“I know,” I said.

I took a moment to regroup, then tried again. “These last few months have been really amazing. I mean… really,
really
amazing. You know what I mean?”

He smiled. “I think I might have an idea what you mean…”

I was so nervous, I barely let him finish. “Seeing you every day has been…the best,” I continued. “Seriously. But…as much as I want to, I haven’t forgotten what our real situation is here. I mean, I know you just agreed to spend time with me to help me handle my feelings created by the Healing Water and the bonding effect. And I think it’s incredibly sweet that you would do that for me.”

Rayne cut in. “Sadie, I
like
spending time with you. You make it sound like some horrible burden for me to be around you. It’s not like that.”

“No, I know,” I agreed. “But I also know that I’ve been making you break a bunch of rules you’re supposed to be following as a Water Keeper, and I know how much you hate doing that. I feel bad knowing I’m the reason you feel you have to do it in the first place.”

He laughed once under his breath. “I’m…okay with it, if you are. Yes, I’ve experienced some guilt over the issue, but I’m more concerned about your happiness than a few rules.”

Rayne Stevens doesn’t care about the rules?
I thought.
Since when?
His duty always came first. Always.

“Thanks,” I said. “That means a lot, especially coming from you. But it’s not just that. I think…that I should try not to be so
attached
to you all the time. I don’t know. I feel like I need to make sure I’m still making time for other people. Once I go to college, I won’t see my mom much anymore, and you’re only a high school senior once in your life. I just don’t want to miss out on anything before it’s all over.”

I could feel myself babbling, avoiding the real issue. Heat filled my cheeks when I felt the words come out of my mouth. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is, maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together right now…”

He looked from my eyes down to the floor. “Oh. Well, I can’t argue with that.” The words came out nice enough, but something about his posture seemed upset.

“Unless you think it will make things too hard for
you
,” I added quickly. “I know this whole thing hasn’t exactly been easy for you, either.”

His head shot up in surprise. “Me?” he said. “What would make you think it would be a problem for
me
?”

His strange tone caught me off guard. “Uh, I just thought… I don’t know, you would have to go back to hiding in the shadows and following me around and stuff. I don’t want to make your job any harder than it already is.”

“Of course. Right.” His worried expression turned to a confident smile. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m trained for this, remember?”

“Yeah, that’s true,” I said, attempting to mimic his confidence. “Plus, we’ll still see each other all the time. I still have to come over for my daily dose of Healing Water, right?”

“You better,” he said.

“And you can still come to all the parties and stuff with my friends, if you want to. If that will make it easier for you. They all love you just as much as I...” My voice trailed off nervously. I froze for a moment, Rayne’s gaze intent on mine. I wanted to say the words. I was supposed to be there to sever ties, and yet all I wanted to do was say,
I love you
, right then and there. The words burned at the back of my throat, just waiting to be released.

I pushed the impulse deep inside. This was exactly why I had to stop this whole thing while I had the chance, before it was too late. My breaths quickened. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on my fingertips.

“Um, actually,” I said, beginning to babble. “Maybe it would make things easier if you kept your distance for a while, just until I’ve had a chance to readjust to things. Holding back all these feelings is going to be hard. And knowing that they’re not real, that I can’t act on them; it’s like torture every day. You know what I mean?” My hands were turning clammy. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d almost said to him. What I still wanted to say to him.

“I know exactly what you mean,” he said.

I nodded as he spoke, pretending to listen, but my thoughts were dizzy in my head.

“Sadie, I…I feel like there’s something I should tell you; about the whole issue with the bonding effect and the Healing Water…”

I barely heard his words. I’d become so shaken with nerves that I just kept talking. “I mean, who knows how long you’ll be assigned to me, right? I just want to make sure that I’ll be okay when they move you on to something new, when they change your assignment. Wait, you were just saying something, weren’t you? Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m just babbling now. What were you saying?”

He looked at me blankly. “I…was just going to tell you that…never mind.”

“No, tell me,” I said. “It’s my fault, I wasn’t listening. Please tell me.”

He paused, examining my face. His lips pressed together, turned up, but not quite a smile. “I was just going to say that…I agree with you.”

“You do?” I said, partially relieved.

“Uh, yeah,” he said. “You’re probably right.”

“I am?” I asked, feeling strangely sad. I almost wished he would tell me the whole idea was stupid and we should forget I ever said anything.

“Well, you said it yourself. I can’t promise I won’t be reassigned someday.” He looked at the wall for a minute then turned back to me thoughtfully. “As long as it’s in my control, I will always be here for you, no matter what. But I understand that you have to do what’s right for
you
. If you’re feeling strong enough to go out on your own, if you have the bonding effect under control and you feel ready, then I think you should do it.”

“Are you sure?”

He smiled softly. “Of course. My duty is to protect you, not to take over your life and parade around like your fake boyfriend, just to make my job easier.”

I nodded quietly. “Okay. Thanks.”

A strange melancholy made my insides feel hollow. So that was it. It was done.

Rayne walked me across the street to my front door, holding my hand the entire way. I would really miss his hand. Without letting go, he turned toward me and said, “Remember, I’m still right across the street if you ever need me. And I just want you to promise me one thing…”

I didn’t like the way his tone felt like goodbye.

“What?” I asked.

“Promise me you’ll drop by at least once every day for your Healing Water.”

He probably could have made arrangements for me to give
myself
the water, like leave the bottle for me in the mailbox after school or something. And even though the whole point of the conversation was to break ties—and seeing him every single day would really make that harder—I was incredibly glad I had an excuse to see him again tomorrow.

A grin spread wide across my face as I answered, “I promise.”

4. RAYNE FIGHTS FOR CONTROL

Rayne shut Sadie’s door gently as he watched her disappear through the entryway. Then, with discipline, he turned back across the street, closing his eyes as he drew in a long breath. He had to act like everything was fine. She could be watching. He managed to walk calmly all the way to his front door, where he carefully turned the knob and let the door swing closed behind him.

His feet stopped just as he made it inside. Rayne didn’t sink dolefully to the floor as he had all too often these days, whenever his feelings for Sadie overwhelmed him with sorrow, knowing he couldn’t act upon them. Something worse than sorrow stirred inside him now. This time, he felt more than sad or frustrated; he felt powerless.

Sadie wanted to leave him, to push him away. Rayne clenched his hands into fists, angry at himself more than anything else. Her decision should not affect him. She was right. This was better for her. She needed to be able to move forward with her life the way it was always meant to be. It was what he wanted for her all along.

But it
did
affect him, and for whatever reason, there was no turning it off this time.

A half-empty glass stood on the shelf beside him in the doorway where he’d left it when Sadie first arrived. Rayne picked it up, taking a careful gulp of water, hand shaking. Then, as if it were a programmed reaction, his body froze in place, trying to hold everything in. He knew that if he moved, every thought and frustration building up inside him over the last several months would explode from him in every direction. If his training at the Academy taught him anything, it was control; control of his actions, his decisions, and most importantly…his emotions.

But he wasn’t in control of his emotions anymore. Why couldn’t he just turn them off like he was supposed to?

Rayne lifted the glass of water in his hand and stared at the liquid through the crystal pattern in the glass. Everything about it reminded him of the Healing Water. The Healing Water was supposed to be a blessing, not a curse.

His lip quivered as the scowl deepened through the lines of his face, pure rage surging through him. The sound of frustration bellowed from his throat as his arm shot forward, chucking the glass across the room. Shards of glass burst from the far wall, releasing a spray of water through the air. With quick breaths, he stared at the sharp mess as it shattered to the floor. It was just like the mess of his own life he’d created.

Finally, he stepped forward, another low growl slipping from his mouth as he hit the wall with his palm. This wasn’t him. He had to collect himself.

He let his weight fall back against the doorjamb of the nearest room and folded his arms to his chest. It was just a momentary lapse of restraint. If he was even considering the idea that he could be an important, every day part of Sadie’s life, he was completely delusional. When he took this assignment, he knew there would be challenges beyond that of a typical Keeper. He knew it from the very beginning. This was the life he had chosen for himself, and now he had to accept it.

Rayne rolled his back against the doorjamb where he stood, turning toward the entrance of the sitting room, and pondered over his collection of surf boards. The longboard he took out for a leisurely ride the day before was leaning up against the wall next to him.

He walked over to the board and lifted it up to position it on the rack along the wall, pausing to picture the ocean break rolling under his feet. Right now, that was where he wanted to be. But he wasn’t in the mood for a relaxing stroll over the waves today. He wanted to use every ounce of energy he had left inside him until he was too exhausted to think.

He didn’t care that it was almost midnight; he pulled up the surf report on his computer, praying the waves would be big.  A crazed smile crossed his face. Not only were the conditions close to perfect, the waves were larger than he’d seen in months. With furious anticipation, he grabbed a shortboard from the corner of the room, and then he tore out to his car.

His Range Rover moved swiftly and aggressively through the late night traffic until he reached Fifty-Fourth Street, where he parked in the first spot he could see. He grabbed his board and ran through the heavy sand, without pause, to the edge of the shore. The moon was full and bright over the swirl of crashing waves, perfect for night surfing, and perfect for letting his mind slip into a state of welcomed oblivion.

Without even waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dark, Rayne dove into the water, welcoming the cold, wet sting on his face, adrenalin fueling his exhilaration.

He paddled furiously. There were no thoughts, no worries, no restraints—just pure, physical drive.

Again and again, he hurled his body over the crests of roaring waves, pouncing to his feet and carving back and forth through tunnels of rushing water. He moved without thinking, not stopping for caution or careful maneuvers. He bled out every ounce of force from within himself, twisting into three-sixties, launching his board into the air at every chance he could get.

Normally, he would land over the peaks of the waves without problem, but tonight, amid the thunderous surf, his eyes were wild with energy. He flung himself around through dark, not caring if the ocean water crashed over him, not caring if he lived or died. He almost welcomed it, like the punishment he knew he deserved. If anything, he needed a good thrashing, something to wake up his senses and remind him to get his priorities straight.

There was no thought for his own safety when his legs rushed forward over the biggest wave he’d seen all night. He catapulted the board up in the air, suspending it over the water long enough to feel the spray on his face. Then, out of nowhere, he flipped his feet over his head, a move he’d never attempted before. He was about to land the trick of a lifetime, until his board flew out from under his feet. The board soared high through the sky, then quickly dove back down, plummeting toward the sea.

As if falling in slow motion, Rayne saw the ocean move closer and closer to his face, his feet floating in a free-fall over his head until his body smacked against the water. Black wetness swallowed him up, shoving and pulling him in opposite directions. But he didn’t fight it. Why should he bother? He could let the ocean take him right then and there. He could give up. Maybe this world, and even his own, would be better off without him. Sadie…would be happier without him.

Just as the hurt compressed around his lungs, Rayne felt the roll of the break carry him to shallow water without his consent. He coughed as oxygen forced its way into his chest. As much as he would have welcomed it, he did not lose himself forever amid the black ocean waves. There was no escape. He would have to go on.