Romance Me (Boxed Set) (49 page)

No, he’d quit because of her, because they’d made love, because she’d stupidly whispered she loved him when she came.

He’d told her he avoided commitment. That he could never be a husband or a father. And she knew why. Because of his mother’s illness and his father’s completely irresponsible reaction to it. She knew by leaving her, Ethan was trying to be honorable—a good guy. In his mind, warped by his dysfunctional childhood existence, he was protecting her from what he thought could happen: being married to someone with severe OCD. Although she hadn’t seen any signs of either obsessive or compulsive behavior in Ethan, she realized it could possibly happen.

After his confession in the office, when he’d told her about his scar, she’d researched the condition. As Ethan had said, OCD could be hereditary, but the literature she read suggested that inheriting it was a remote chance. Besides, even if Ethan were to inherit his mother’s condition, there were now so many more medical treatments out there than had been available when his mother was alive. Just a few years made a huge difference in medical treatment. Medications had been identified that significantly helped, along with therapy. Ethan didn’t need to be bound to the worry that he’d become like his mother.

When she’d tried to talk to Ethan about what she’d read, what she’d learned, he’d shut her out. And now he was shutting her out of his life completely.

Twilight had almost completely taken over the evening sky. She fumbled around for the light switch, hampered by the growing darkness. When she finally flipped it on, the sudden bright light flooding the pool and cabana shocked her, made it all seem real.

And then the crying came.

She’d lost him. She’d lost it all.

Sobs wracked her, taking her over. Waves of self-pity, of desperation, of loss pounded her mind, like a wild surf pounding against the shore. She cried until there were no more tears, nothing left.

After her sobs slowed and trickled away, she pulled herself together and headed toward the house. She crossed the tiled patio in her bare feet and reached for the door handle. Before she could pull the door open, she slipped, falling to her knees.

Overwhelmed, she hunkered there, unable to find the energy or will to move. She kneeled on the cool tile, drawing in several gulping breaths. Finally, with a shuddering sigh, she pulled her head up and caught sight of her reflection in the glass door.

What a mess. She looked beaten—slumped over, shoulders hunched, eyes empty. She hated how she appeared, all cowed and scared. Pitiful. Just pitiful, like a lost puppy in need of being saved. Only this time there was no one left to save her—not a single rescuer in sight. She’d lost it all and had run fresh out of saviors.

“How could Ethan say he believes in me?” she whispered in the dark. This ugly, frightened woman she saw in front of her couldn’t hold a candle to the person Ethan said he saw—what had he called her?
Hard working, beautiful, amazing, determined.

Ethan’s words echoed in her mind, rocketing around, waking her. She stood, slowly. Almost as if she were watching a movie, she saw the image of herself reflected in the glass door stand up and unfurl like a flag. She saw her shoulders being thrown back, her chin lifted high. Her eyes stared back at her, bold and strong. The corners of her mouth lifted.

This
, she thought,
this
is the woman Ethan sees when he looks at me.
This
is Sadie.

The
real
Sadie, staring back at her in the reflection.

Pride filled her then. And she knew what she had to do.

***

When Theo’s fist plowed across Ethan’s nose the second time in nearly as many months, Ethan’s first thought was that this time Theo hadn’t hit like a girl. Through a haze of pain, he watched blood drip onto his carpet, creating a mosaic of spatters on the white wool. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Theo cradling his hand. Ethan gingerly felt along the ridge of his nose to make sure it hadn’t broken. Nope, not broken, but bleeding like all get-out. He grabbed tissues from the box on a nearby bookshelf and pressed a wad of them against his nostril to stem the flow of blood.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Theo snapped out.

“I take it you just saw Sadie,” Ethan mumbled.

“Yep.” Theo glared at him. “I just got back into town and went to see her at The Cottage. She was in the backyard, burying her flat iron and crying.”

Ethan let out an involuntary bark of laughter. At Theo’s glare, he apologized. “I’m sorry—it isn’t funny. It’s just so Sadie.”

“She has always had a flair for the dramatic.” Theo tried to flex his hand and winced. “I thought about offering to buy her flat iron a tombstone until I realized how serious she was.”

Ethan headed to the kitchen, where he rummaged  in his freezer until he located two bags of peas. One he pressed against his nose, the other he handed to Theo for his hand. After awkwardly flipping caps off two beers, Ethan motioned for Theo to follow him outside to the porch swing. Night had fallen. The men sat silently, listening to the raucous cacophony of frogs and crickets.

“How is she?” Ethan asked. Hurt, devastated, in pain, he expected.

“Pissed off.”

A wry smile quirked at the side of his mouth. Theo’s answer shouldn’t have surprised him, knowing Sadie the way he did. The woman had a spine of steel—she just didn’t know it.

“So, bonehead, what happened?”

At Theo’s question, Ethan dropped his head and swore under his breath. “I blew it.” He ran his thumb over the bag of frozen peas. “I let everyone down. I promised something I couldn’t produce, and it’s going to upset a lot of people.”

“Yeah, Sadie told me about the amphitheater problem. That’s a stupid reason to quit. So you messed up—it’s not the end of the world, you know. You’ve messed up before but you’ve never quit anything until now.” Theo stopped speaking.

Ethan looked up from his beer to see his friend staring at him, a look of intense study in Theo’s eyes.

“This has something to do with Sadie, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t hurt her by leaving now if you didn’t think you’d somehow hurt her worse by staying.”

Ethan had acted on impulse, bent only on protecting Sadie. Quitting seemed to be the only way out to him. He would help her find a replacement before he left so the festival wouldn’t go under. If he stayed, Sadie would only end up angry and resentful, just like all the other women who’d fallen for him. Some of them believed him when he said he wouldn’t make a commitment. Others were determined to snare the lone wolf, only to be devastated when reality crashed in.

For the first time in his life, he truly felt the heavy burden of regret for the decision he’d made so many years ago. He wanted to give Sadie more—he wanted to give her
him
. And selfishly, he wanted to give himself
Sadie
.

“She mumbled something else,” Theo said, “about how you have a secret but it’s not hers to share. I pried, but she wouldn’t say a word—only that it’s something you think makes you unable to be in a relationship.”

Ethan nodded.

After a moment, Theo elbowed him. “That was your opening—you’re supposed to come back with something like, ‘Yeah, Theo, I fathered an illegitimate baby,’ or ‘I’m secretly married,’ or ‘I’m impotent,’ not just sit there in silence.” He paused. “You know, you never did seem to be the playboy type. It makes sense if there’s some deep, dark secret lurking in your past, keeping you from commitment.”

Ethan knew Theo wanted answers. He’d carried all this alone for so long—not even Lia really understood how bad things had been for their mom. Somehow telling Sadie about it released some of the tension he felt around his mom’s condition. And her response made him feel less ashamed and afraid.

“You’re right—it is a deep, dark secret.” Ethan paused for a moment before continuing. “I never told you guys what was wrong with my mom before she died.” He fell silent again, listening to the sweet evening hum.

The sound and scent of the night brought a bittersweet feeling in the pit of Ethan’s stomach. He would miss living here, among the crickets and frogs, and his family and friends. He knew a rival theater company in San Francisco had contacted his former agent the other day, wondering if he’d be interested in working for them. If he took the job, he would only be four hours from Lia—close enough to have her come visit, but far enough away from Sadie. He hoped the distance apart could clear his mind of her.

But first he needed to explain to Theo why he’d chosen to break Sadie’s heart. Why he had to make such a wretched decision.

He cleared his throat, then set about explaining to Theo about his mother’s OCD. His father’s abuse. And the ultimate sacrifice his mother had made. After he finished, Theo sat quietly, thumbing the label on his beer, staring into the dark of the night.

Finally, Theo took a long draw off his bottle. “So your mom had OCD. What’s that got to do with you breaking my sister’s heart?”

Ethan hadn’t wanted this. He didn’t intend to break her heart, or hurt his friend. He would have rather inherited his mom’s small stature or weak heart. But not this—never this.

“It’s hereditary. I think see some of the signs already. And as I told Sadie, I’ll never put anyone through what my family went through.”

Theo nudged his foot on the porch boards, rocking the porch swing forward and back. The creaks of the swing mixed with the sounds of the nighttime symphony. “What makes you think you’re starting to have OCD?”

Ethan shrugged. “I’m getting obsessive thoughts running through my head. The same word repeats itself in my head, non-stop, like a record with the needle stuck in a groove. I have the same images haunting me, like my brain is carrying them around and won’t let go.”

“What’s the word being repeated? The images?” Theo asked.

Ethan shrugged, but remained silent.

“Is it a person or a thing that’s got your mind all wrapped up?”

“A person.” Somehow the words had slipped out of his mouth before he could censor his answer.

The swing whipped sideways when Theo stood up, bringing a light wave of nausea to Ethan’s stomach. Theo paced the porch, turned, and faced Ethan. “And I’ll bet anything that this person you’re obsessing over is Sadie.”

At Ethan’s nod, Theo rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’re an idiot.”

Ethan glared. Some friend. Here he’d just bared his deepest, darkest secret and Theo was calling him an idiot.

Theo stood there, silent, staring at Ethan. He shook his head twice, as if in amazement. “That’s not OCD, you brainless jerk. That’s
love
.”

Chapter Seventeen

The next week passed by, slow and painful, dragged on by the tension between Ethan and Sadie and exacerbated by the oppressive heat enveloping the town. Ethan stayed out of Sadie’s way, although with the open office environment he couldn’t help but to see her almost constantly.

On this day she’d worn an emerald-green halter dress. It was one of those wrap-around dresses, Ethan realized when she’d sat down on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. The skirt slid off her knee to her upper thigh, almost exposing her panties. Ethan felt a lunge in his loins at the sight. After Friday, his body ached for her even more than before.

He’d been surprised by Sadie’s reaction on Monday, when they both had a couple of days to cool down. He’d expected anger, tears, or for her to convince him to stay. Sadie surprised him by arriving at work Monday with the same dynamism, cheerfulness, and spunky attitude as usual. Her only reference to the resignation letter he’d left on her desk was to send him an email stating she would present his letter to the board at the end of the month.

Ethan promised Sadie he would find his own replacement, but so far hadn’t found anyone satisfactory. After making numerous phone calls and sending hundreds of emails, he was surprised at the lack of response. A few people had contacted him, but they were without the experience or name draw the festival needed. No wonder Sadie had jumped at the chance to have him fill the vacancy—no one else was out there to take it.

Sadie was busy on a project of her own. Whatever it was, she kept it under wraps: lowering her voice on the telephone, switching off her computer screen when Ethan entered her office space, and even standing by the shared printer to grab print-outs before he could sneak a peek. He was curious, but he’d lost all right to knowing what was going on—with Sadie or with the festival. Ethan’s job at this point was simply to tie up loose ends.

“Hey Ethan,” Sadie called from the conference area, motioning for him to come. She sat on the couch with her face buried in a report folder and her legs crossed tailor-style, the wrap skirt draped wide—almost to the apex of her thighs.

Ethan sat down beside her. His arms stuck to the leather of the couch, glued there by perspiration and heat. A faint scent rose up from her—lavender—and he leaned closer to draw in a deeper breath.

“Are you smelling my hair?”

Ethan forced a wry grin. “I can’t help it. You smell good.”

“Keep your nostrils away, would you? You’re getting on my very last nerve. Now focus. I need to tell you something.” The words she spoke were harsh, but she said them with a playful tone.

He knew he shouldn’t be teasing her like this, not after what he’d put her through, but she looked so sexy-cute with her legs crossed under her. “I’m listening.”