Ronan: Ziva Payvan Book 3 (37 page)

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ziva allowed her gaze to flit over to him for a moment. “It means I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be anywhere else. And I can’t very well go home, can I?”

It was hard to read him. His face seemed devoid of all emotion, or maybe it was so full of emotion that it was impossible to tell which one he was actually showing. His eyes lingered on her for a moment before he turned back to the window. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

For some reason it struck Ziva as a ridiculous thing to say, considering his circumstances. “Well, it was bound to happen sometime.”

Aroska made a noise that sounded like a cross between a cough and a chuckle, a sound that told her he was on the verge of a meltdown. “I cannot believe you just said that,” he muttered.

Her eyebrows slid together. “What?”

“
Sheyss
, Ziva, what’s
wrong
with you? What do you do, meet someone and then immediately start counting down to the day they die? That’s disgusting.”

“I can’t let it take me by surprise,” Ziva retorted, rising to her feet and forcing the words out of her mouth. Forcing herself to believe them. “I need to make sure I’ve got nothing to lose.”

Aroska shook his head. “Just when I was starting to think you weren’t a heartless
shouka
.”

“I told you before, Aroska. Anyone who gets close to me is signing their own death warrant. Someone is going to wind up hurting them if I don’t somehow do it first.”

“Are you kidding me? That attack left half the city in ruins. You weren’t the target. It had nothing to do with you.”

“It’s my fault the Resistance came here to begin with!”

“How do you figure?”

“I’m the one who told Kat I’d find Ronan. I’m the one who brought that data pad home for you to find.”

“Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?” Tears threatened to spill down his cheeks, but his voice remained steady. “You know, I’ve always admired you for seeming so selfless and shifting the blame to yourself, but then I got to thinking….” He turned around to address her directly, and his eyes were colder than she’d ever seen them. “Maybe you just can’t stand the thought of everything not being about
you
.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Ziva spat.

“You’re telling me anyone who chooses to get close to you will get hurt because of it. You ever stop and think that maybe things just happen? Maybe people make choices that have nothing to do with what you’ve said or done to them? You blame yourself for anything that happens, good or bad. You can’t be responsible for everything. You can’t
control
everything.”

Ziva folded her arms. “But it’s okay for you to blame yourself for what happened to Maston? Maybe it was
his choice
to help us.”

She’d caught him. His mouth hung open for a moment, his next words frozen on his tongue. He had a lot of nerve calling her a hypocrite when he was doing the same thing.

“That was different,” he said quickly.

“Not really.”

“Yes, Ziva, it was! I specifically told him to go to that warehouse. He was there because I asked him to be.”

“No, you told him to follow the
Titania
. You know he would have ended up at the warehouse anyway when he found out Ronan’s men were there.”

Once again, she’d cornered him. He spun on his heel and stormed back to his place at the window, slamming a fist against the glass. He was probably right about her, about the way she tried to blame herself for everything, but somehow it always felt better to try to take the credit for mishaps rather than admit something was totally out of her control.

The room was silent for a long time. Ziva sat back down and rested her elbows on her knees, staring at the floor while Aroska stared out the window. When it came down to it, she wasn’t sure which one of them had lost more. Granted, Zinni was still alive, but right now there was still no way to know if she’d be able to serve in the field again. All the homes along the cliff overlooking the river had been completely obliterated on top of that, along with their occupants. So Ziva had lost her home, possessions, and two people she considered family, and one of her only true friends was potentially incapacitated. Aroska had lost a member of his actual family, his own flesh and blood, but Zinni had become just as much of a member of his team as she had Ziva’s, and Marshay and Ryon had treated him like family from the outset. So maybe they were equal after all. Ziva kicked herself for even trying to make a contest out of it.

It was Aroska who finally broke the silence. “When we first went into that warehouse,” he said, so quietly that it took Ziva a moment to realize he was speaking to her, “my first instinct was to run to my brother. I didn’t at first, but not because we were being shot at. It wasn’t a survival instinct or a sense of duty that held me back. No, I was standing there thinking, ‘
What would Ziva think’?”
He turned to look at her. “‘
What would Ziva think if I abandon the mission to save my brother’?”

She forced a half-hearted smirk and snorted. “Since when do you give a damn what I think?”

“That’s what I finally realized,” he said. “That’s when I was able to go to him.”

“That’s when you got yourself shot,” she corrected him.

Those tears that had been welling up in his eyes finally broke free, but his voice still didn’t falter. “You know, I didn’t even realize I’d been hit until it was all over.” He sighed. “It was you, wasn’t it?”

Ziva nodded, biting the inside of her lip to keep from calling him out on his reckless actions. He’d suffered enough already. “It was stupid of you,” she said. “You’re lucky.”

Aroska shook his head. “I get it, okay? I get why you’re always so adamant about not getting close to anyone. When you love someone, you can’t make rational decisions. You can’t think clearly. You wind up getting hurt.” He balled his hands up and clenched his jaw, trying hard not to yell. “But damn it, what the hell did you expect me to do?”

Every instinct she had wanted to scream that he should have followed protocol, should have cleared the area before proceeding. But some part of her, deep down, understood why he’d done what he’d done. It was hardly more than a flicker, but it was enough to make her hesitate before responding.

Aroska sighed. Either he already knew her answer, or he hadn’t been expecting her to actually give him one. “Well, we did decide it was your turn to shoot me.”

He had a point. “I’m not sure if this counts,” Ziva said.

Once more, everything was quiet. Ziva tried her best to put herself in his position. Who did she care about enough that she’d run blindly into the line of fire to save – Skeet, Zinni,
him
? She tried to convince herself that she’d put the mission first, as failure to complete it would no doubt result in death anyway, but in all reality, she wasn’t sure. It would depend on the circumstances, she decided. How many hostiles were there? Where had her comrade fallen? How much backup and firepower did she have? Yes, it would just depend.

The discomfort of being there was taking its toll on her, but she didn’t know where else to go. The idea of returning to her ship had completely lost its charm. She stood up and angled toward the door, concerned by the fact that she felt so…well,
concerned.

“Where are you going?” Aroska asked.

Anywhere other than here
, she thought. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t go.”

It took her a moment to realize what he’d said, as it was the last thing she’d ever expected him to say. She hesitated a moment, unnerved and confused by the request. She thought he’d made it clear that he didn’t want her there, but when she turned around she found his glistening eyes pleading with her to stay.

She shrugged and took several steps back into the room. “What do you want me to do?” she demanded, hoping for Aroska’s sake that she hadn’t sounded quite as harsh as she’d initially meant to.

He was clearly hurt, and she kicked herself for making the situation worse. “Everything happened so fast at the warehouse,” he said, pulling away from the window. “I’m not the only one who lost something today. I kept thinking…why should I get to grieve when other people lost so much too? Why should I get to grieve when
you’re
the one who lost everything you own?”

The idea that he’d been spending all his time being concerned about her seemed preposterous, but the thought sent a tingle through Ziva’s body and she suddenly felt very cold. “That’s ridiculous,” she muttered.

Aroska shuffled toward her, head hanging as he rubbed the bandage on his arm. “I know that now. I just need some time to let it all sink in, and I didn’t want to do it alone. Adin is a good friend, but there’s no way he could really understand. I’m glad you came by.”

How he expected her to help, Ziva had no earthly idea. She wasn’t sure what to say, and she had no intention of sitting there listening to him cry. “Do what you need to do, then,” she said, her words little more than a choked whisper.

He nodded and wiped the heels of his hands across his eyes. “Thank you for understanding.”

He advanced suddenly, closing the remaining distance between them in less than a second. Ziva went rigid as the events from Kat’s garage flashed through her memory, but instead of the startling sensation of his lips meeting hers, she felt his arms slide around her shoulders and pull her closer. Trapped there against his body with his arms around her, she felt panic encroaching and her thoughts began to run rampant. It took her racing mind a while to register that this was a simple hug.

What do you want from me
, she thought, unsure what she could possibly do to make him feel better. Consoling and comforting weren’t in her nature – certainly he was aware of that – and it didn’t help that all she could do was stand there, frozen.

Aroska wrapped his arms around her even tighter, making it impossible for her to adjust her position even if she’d wanted to. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. His voice finally cracked. “I am so, so sorry.”

She didn’t know what he could possibly be sorry for. After all, he’d just finished telling her he was done feeling sorry for anyone but himself. They stood there in silence for what seemed like a long time, though it had only been a few seconds. Unsure what else to do, Ziva shakily slid her arms around his torso, even going so far as to clasp her hands behind his back.

She was no good at this and Aroska knew it. And yet, of all people, he’d said he was glad
she
was there, even though he knew she was uncomfortable and incapable of bringing him the forgiving sympathy he wanted and needed. Thoroughly confused, she felt her jaw start to tremble and found herself involuntarily wrapping her arms tighter around him.

In all reality, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d given anyone a hug, or received one for that matter. It had literally been years. She tended to avoid any situations where it might be necessary, and after her bout with the Cobian pirates, she’d been hesitant to even let anyone touch her. This was how it worked, wasn’t it? As unnatural as it felt, it brought her a sense of peace and comfort she hadn’t expected. She felt almost guilty, considering Aroska was the one who needed to be comforted. But he wasn’t complaining; his grip on her didn’t falter and he had begun to weep softly.

Images from the past couple of days were trying to fight their way into Ziva’s mind – a dying Maston, the charred remains of her home, a weak and damaged Zinni hooked up to all those machines in the med center. Hot tears leaked out onto her face, but for Aroska’s sake she didn’t dare make a sound. She suddenly realized that maybe it was a good thing she’d stayed, that maybe she needed this just as much as he did. She needed some time away from everyone else, time where she could just ponder everything in the presence of someone she…someone she…she…

Don’t say it.

You know he’s right about you. You know you care.

Just don’t say it.

His body was warm and solid, and through the stench of burnt material and medicine, she caught a whiff of his familiar spicy scent. Annoyed by how vulnerable she felt, Ziva moved her hands up to his shoulder blades and pounded a fist against his back before resignedly bringing her head to rest on his shoulder. Her house may have been destroyed, her family gone, and her team disjointed, but she felt strangely at home here.

-50-

Noro Intragalactic Spaceport

Noro, Haphez

With HSP and half the Haphezian military searching for her, Sadey had gone to the one place humans could still safely blend in in the city: Noro Spaceport. According to the news reports that streamed incessantly on every screen throughout the port, the authorities knew nothing more than her name and gender. They’d gotten their hands on the
Vigilance’s
manifest, which, for appearance’s sake, kept an accurate record of every crew member. Because all their operations were covert, none of the crew dossiers had images attached to them. HSP had a list of missing crew that included her and most of the other officers who had escaped following the crash, but without being able to put faces to the names, they had no basis for their search. Still, Sadey refused to let herself bask in the anonymity. There was far too much at stake to risk carelessness.

Her assault on the city that morning had left a good portion of the spaceport in ruin. Not only was there one less dock for the lumbering intragalactic civilian transports, but the port had been shut down entirely upon the discovery of the missing officers. Those two events had left hundreds of people stranded, but she was glad; there were more crowds to blend in to, and her downtrodden face didn’t seem out of place at all.

She’d been loitering with a group of other confused travelers when news about the military’s attack on the
Vigilance
began streaming. The thought that her entire crew was gone after all the trouble she’d gone through to keep them alive sickened her. She’d spent the past several hours silently berating herself for not considering the possibility of a gas attack. Granted, there’d been a very limited amount of time to come up with a plan, and circumstances hadn’t been ideal for much deliberation, but damn it, she should have thought of it. She’d pictured her soldiers putting up a grand fight, using their positions aboard the ship to their advantage and cutting down the majority of the Haphezian strike teams. The gas just seemed so…
unfair
. She wondered if the Haphezians had used it on purpose for irony’s sake.

Regardless, her crew was gone and she was positive it was her fault. She tried to remind herself that if she’d stayed behind to fight with them, she’d most likely be dead, too. While that was true, it didn’t make her feel any better. A little voice in the back of her head tried to convince her that she really
had
run away to save her own skin. What made her so important? Why did she get to live when they had to die?

I’m Commander Sadey Payne
, she told herself.
That’s what makes me so important
. She was one of the Resistance’s most trusted and respected leaders. Her name was on several of the Federation’s most-wanted lists. She was skilled in ranged, melee, and hand-to-hand combat. Unlike the majority of those who had served under her, she was an invaluable asset. It wasn’t that her crew members weren’t important – they were all highly-intelligent, skilled warriors as well – but she was the one who could make things happen. She was the one whose voice carried the most weight among the other Resistance leaders. If she remained alive, she could still play a pivotal role in winning this war. It was the reason she and her officers had been allowed to escape in the first place. She just required constant reminding, and it didn’t make the loss of her crew hurt any less.

Sadey tightened the grip on the small communicator she carried as she made her way through the throngs of stranded travelers. She may have been safely anonymous in the crowd, but that didn’t stop her from seeking a change of scenery every so often. Abandoned garments found their way onto her back, bags onto her shoulder. For all intents and purposes, she was just another refugee, and she needed to look the part. All she needed to do was hold out until morning, and then it would only be a matter of hours before Ronan and the rest of the fleet arrived. She wanted desperately to make contact, let them know she was still functional, but not while there were so many eyes on her. With a sigh, she reluctantly returned the communicator to her belt.

She would play the part of a stranded traveler for the rest of the night, she decided. Talk of the military curfew was all over the news, so wandering around in the city was guaranteed to draw attention. Yes, she would wait until daylight; she wasn’t expecting the Haphezians to have given up their search by then, but there would be more people out and about during the day, allowing her to move around less conspicuously. The military had certainly increased the law enforcement presence in the city, and additional HSP agents were being flown in from the planet’s other regions, but there were also plenty of non-natives who had gone out of their way to assist in the relief efforts. Perhaps she could play the part of a concerned visitor and join them, and maybe procure a mode of transportation in the process.

The question then was where she would go next. The longer she thought about it, the more appealing finding Payvan sounded, but she hadn’t the foggiest idea where to start looking. The
Vigilance
hadn’t wiped out nearly as much of HSP Headquarters as she’d originally hoped – her helmsman had almost done
too
good a job of landing the thing – so the chances that Payvan had been claimed by the crash were lower than they had been in the first place, assuming she was even in the area. Waltzing into the heart of the crash site was out of the question, but there was always the option of exploring the area immediately surrounding Headquarters and gleaning information that way. The HSP medical center might be a good place to start. Part of Sadey dreaded going there, but the other part knew it was the last place anyone would expect her to be.

Satisfied with her plan, she pressed forward through the crowd until she came to a familiar bench. She leaned forward under the pretense of stretching her calves and ran her hand along the underside of it, brushing her fingers over her kytara where it rested securely on a lip underneath. She’d been searched and asked about her business by two different groups of security officers, as had many of the other travelers, and they’d seemed satisfied by what they’d found, or lack thereof. One of the agents had even offered her an apologetic nod upon seeing her again. She wasn’t sure what he was sorry for: searching her, or the fact that she was stuck there. Either way, she had these people fooled, at least for the time being. For the first time, she didn’t feel so bad about waiting patiently, though she still admired Ronan’s ability to do it for over twenty years without trouble.

Yes
, she thought, leaning back and resting her head against the wall behind her. She would wait. It would be a long night – she didn’t dare risk sleep under these circumstances. But she would wait.