Room Service (8 page)

Pass this note. He wants an answer. Pass this note on and do not read it. He wants an answer. Will you be my girlfriend? I like you: do you like me? Meet me after school, but do not tell anyone. Do you like being tickled? Do you like being held down? Do you like being chased and caught? Do you like hiding and being found? Do you like being blindfolded and turned around and around? Do you like being tied up? Father Uncle Cousin Kin. FM | JL true. What's your name? Would you like a hot milkshake? Don't use a straw. We'll all meet at the pictures and swap seats. I'll walk you home. Yes, but I have to be home by eleven. Do you know what tickling the palm means? Have you ever been kissed with your mouth open? FM | MC true. What's your name? Can I take you to the school dance? Do I have to come in and meet your parents? Would you like coffee and raisin toast? May I walk you home? Yes, but I have to be home by twelve. Have you ever tongue-kissed before? I've never kissed a girl like this before. I bet you say that to all the girls. FM | NJ true. FM | JS true. FM | FL true. FM | JJ true. I love you and I'll love you until the twelfth of never and that's a long, long time. Dearest. My dearest. My darling. Darling. Yours forever. Only yours. SWALK.

With all the love in my heart. They tried to tell us we're too young, too young to really be in love.

Please don't do that.

Not there. Not yet.

I'm not that sort of girl.

I promised my mother I wouldn't.

I want to do it, but I don't think now is the right time.

Marke but this flea, and marke in this,

How little that which thou deny'st me is;

Mee it suck'd first, and now sucks thee,

And in this flea, our two bloods mingled bee …

Be patient with me.

When I'm surer of my feelings.

But I do love you.

When it's safe.

I want the first time to be beautiful.

Had we but World enough, and Time,

This coyness Lady were no crime …

But at my back I alwaies hear

Time's winged Chariot hurrying near.

But we have our whole life ahead of us. I don't want to feel guilty about it.

I don't want it to be furtive.

I don't want it to be something we just do.

But I do love you.

How little that which thou deny'st me is …

Love oh love oh careless love.

I'm very nervous.

Be gentle.

You must never tell anyone.

Have you ever done it with anyone else?

Was that nice for you?

We are man and wife now, even if the world doesn't know it.

Going out together. Going around together. Going steady.

Sort of engaged. On together.

That's all you think of now when we go out.

One-track mind.

Don't you ever think of anything else?

No, I want to see the end of the movie.

Men are all the same.

You only like me because I let you do it.

But I saw you with her in the coffee shop.

How could you?

I'm not jealous.

I just don't like two-timers.

You're free to do what you want and I'm free to do what

I want.

I think it will give us time to see if we really love each other.

We'll call it off then.

We've broken up. We've busted up. He broke it off.

It's all over between us.

I missed you too.

The best part of breaking up is making up.

This time is for keeps.

But don't ever do that to me again, promise?

Don't you ever think of anything else?

You only like me because I let you do it.

But I saw you looking at her.

Really, I'm different.

We'll call it off then.

We've broken up. We've busted up. I broke it off.

I've given him up as a bad job.

It's all over between us.

What's your name? Would you like to go for a drive?

Not on the first date.

We hardly know each other.

How little that which thou deny'st me is …

Let's get to know each other a little better.

Had we but World enough, and Time,

This coyness Lady were no crime …

If you really love someone it's OK.

I love you and I'll love you until the twelfth of never and that's a long long time.

Love oh love oh careless love.

FM l WH true.

We were made for each other.

But what if we had a baby?

True love has a guardian angel on high with nothing to do,

but to care for you and to care for me, love forever true.

But that's all you want to do now when we go out.

It was different at first.

One-track mind.

Don't you ever think of anything else?

There's something you should know.

I can't tell you over the telephone.

I'm overdue.

Sorry, false alarm.

I'm afraid I have something pretty important to tell you.

Of course I'm sure.

This time I'm sure.

You're going to be a father.

How does that grab you?

I'm pregnant. I'm with child. I'm expecting, I'm in the pudding club. I'm in the family way. Bun in the oven.

Of course it's yours … I resent that.

No … I won't find out the name of a doctor.

The cold light of day.

If we love each other everything will be alright.

I want a proper wedding.

Well you'll have to tell them sooner or later.

I'll only say love and honour I won't say obey.

Dearly beloved we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony.

My very dearest wife.

My very dearest husband.

Will you still find me attractive after I've had children?

Will you still love me when my looks are gone?

Will you still love me when I'm old and grey?

Will you still love me when you have to look across at me every morning at the breakfast table?

A penny for them.

What goes on in your head?

Talk to me just once in a while.

It may have escaped your notice, but I live here too.

You'd feel better if you talked about it.

It says in the magazines that it is better to talk.

You keep everything inside you.

But how could you: She's my best friend!

But how could you: She's old enough to be your mother!

But how could you: She's been with everyone in town!

So it's come to this has it?

There's a race of men that don't fit in,

It's a race that can't be still,

So they break the hearts of kith and kin,

And they roam the world at will.

Poetry doesn't mend anything.

I can forgive you but it will never be the same again.

Don't touch me.

If you won't talk to me will you talk to a doctor?

It's a race that can't be still,

so they break the hearts of kith and kin, and they roam

the world at will.

Alright then, that's it, is it?

Alright then, is that all you have to say?

Alright then, it's come to this has it?

Alright then, you can tell your mother and father, I'm not.

Alright then, but don't expect baby and me to be here

when you come crawling back.

And they roam the world at will.

Heads I win, tails you lose. Granny's rules. Last in's lousy. I'll fight you for it. It's my turn now. Fair's fair. You had first go last time. But you can be first next time. You said that yesterday. You can be first tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes. No playing favourites. But that's not fair. Granny's rules. That's cheating. Come on, fair go. Cheats don't prosper. Flukes don't count. Who says it's a fluke. Granny's rules. Best out of three. Who says. I say. How do you get to say. Because I'm the oldest and you're the youngest. I bags it. But I saw it first. Finderskeepers Losersweepers. Who says. I say. Because I'm the biggest. Swap you. I'll lend it to you until lunchtime. But you've go two. Share and share alike. Fair's fair. Fair share. Share and share alike. Fair's fair. Fair share. Go you halves. Don't be a crybaby. Don't be a cissy. Don't be yellow. Take it like a man. Learn to take your medicine. But you hit below the belt. Don't be a bad sport. You lost your temper. Because I'm bigger than you. Because if you don't I'll tell my brother. Pick on someone your own age. Pick on someone your own size. But you ganged up on me. You'll cop it. You'll get yours. I'll get you back for that. I'll get my own back, you'll see. You promised not to tell. You dobbed me in. Now we're quits. You're on my
side. I'll stick up for you if you'll stick up for me. I won't tell on you if you don't tell on me. You're not in this game. Because we say you're not. Coming ready or not. First to the tree and back gets it. Because they're the rules. Who says. I say. Why. Because I'm the biggest. Granny's rules. Bet you I'm right. Shake on it. I'm the boss of the game. Why. Because I own the bat. That doesn't count, I'll give you a start. Bags be first. Because I had my fingers crossed. Fair's fair. Do us a favour. Tell tale tittle tongue your tongue will split and the puppy dogs will all get a bit. Let's vote on it. Because you're a girl. Because girls don't count. Because you're too little. They're all your friends. Promise not to tell. You'll be sorry. I'll be in it if you'll be in it. I won't tell on you if you don't tell on me. I'm the King of the Castle and you're the dirty rascal. Silence in the court the monkey wants to talk the first one to talk is a monkey. Wait for me you promised. But you promised. Cross your heart and spit your death. On your honour. On your oath. I'll fight you for it. Let's go halves. Fair's fair. Share and share alike. Shake on it.

I tortured Jenny Little, now an actress in London, with the Chinese burn. Telephone Jenny Little in East Sheen and ask her if she remembers being tortured at Nowra Infants School near the Headmistress's garden with the Chinese burn. The garden where you found nuts you could shoot at each other's eyes with your thumb. Along from the trees that at the right time of the year provided the rough nuts on the end of a stalk, a blow from which could cause a headache. Or if these were out of season, you could roll your handkerchief and twist it into a cosh, which each year had to be banned because of headaches. You had to be careful or the girls would hold you down and kiss you. Finger cracking will make your knuckles larger. Being double-jointed was a good thing and could be demonstrated now and then when remembered. Blushing, warts, ear wax, toe jam, snot eating, and excreta smells were something to watch for in others and to be quickly pointed out with derision until the person cried. Farts should always be denied. Muscle biceps were to be developed by flexing and lifting of weights when remembered. If you wanted to be a commando. Chinese burns were inflicted by grasping the flesh of the forearm with both hands and twisting one hand clockwise and the
other other wise. Tongue poking was always an insult and deserved retaliation. Face pulling could be used to force someone to laugh and get them into trouble, but you had to watch for the wind changing. Holding up your little finger would always make someone laugh, if you kept a straight face. Tortures, apart from the dreaded Chinese burn, included forcing someone to the ground, sitting on them, pinning their arms with your knees and drumming on their chests with your fingers, or the Chinese water torture – dripping water on their forehead drop by drop until they went mad and were never the same again, which we never got right, or by bringing the blade of a pocket knife close to the throat, or by tickling the feet or armpits or by holding someone's nose and covering their mouth until they smothered. Or gagging someone with a dirty handkerchief and tying them up and leaving them. Tortures can be used to extract secrets or to make someone cry. You can give yourself a 240-volt shock by biting hard on both little fingers, linking the fingers and pulling sharply. If the light shines through the palms of your hand when you hold a torch to it you will always be broke when you grow up. If the letter M appears in the lines on the palms of your hands you'll marry. A blow to the temple will kill, a blow to the throat will cause choking (ask Clive Robertson, who was hit near the bubblers). You can hit someone in the throat if he is older. A blow to the stomach will cause winding, a blow to the jaw will cause unconsciousness. No hitting below the belt. No punching in the kidneys.
Is being unconscious the same as being asleep or is it more like being hypnotised? What's being hypnotised like? What hap pens when a girl faints like Isabella Smart? Place your palms together, cross your thumbs: if the left thumb goes over the right you're artistic. The monkey grip cannot be broken. You'll die if you swallow your tongue. If you have flat feet you cannot join the commandos and you'll never win a race. If you close your eyes and hold your breath, black will become white and you will see the stars. Holding your breath underwater until you see stars is good for your condition. If you punch with your thumb inside your fist you'll break your thumb. Girls can spit, bite, slap, pinch and pull hair. Boys can punch, thump, strangle and kick. Turning around in circles with your eyes shut is a way of making yourself sick if you have to. If you rub hair oil in your hands or pepper tree leaves, a caning won't hurt. Never admit to an enemy that anything can hurt you. Can you whistle by putting your little fingers in the corners of your mouth? A boy may pinch a girl's backside, but nowhere else. A girl can pinch anywhere. Boys can tickle girls, and vice versa. Tickling someone can send them mad. You blind a cat by putting soap powder in its eyes, which could be used against an enemy, or pepper. You can give someone a horse bite by savagely grasping the flesh at the top of the arm with your hand. You can give someone a rabbit killer by chopping them on the back of the neck with the edge of your hand. You can give a cork leg by kicking someone's thigh with your knee. Can you pat
your head and rub your stomach at the same time? Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Can you roll your eyes until only the whites are showing? If you hold someone's arm in a bucket of water they'll have to go to the lavatory. If you make the other person's nose bleed you've won. If you pin someone's arm to the ground to the count of three, you've won. If you twist someone's arm up their back until they say give in, you've won. Eating raw ginger and standing on your head for long periods are ways of becoming tough. You can stick a pin through the skin of your finger and it doesn't hurt. If you suck the soft part of your under arm you can give yourself a love bite. Knuckles is the toughest game there is. Hold your clenched fist against another boy's fist and count one-two-three. The fastest boy brings his knuckles down on the other's knuckles as hard as he can, causing immense pain. Drinking ink can kill you. Filling your mouth with water and wiping away any trace of it and then going up to someone and spitting it in their face is a form of surprise attack. Wiping snot on someone is another form of attack. Squeezing someone just above the knee with two fingers is a way of testing if they're jealous. If hairs grow on your legs it means you're becoming a man. If you hate hairs on your legs you shouldn't admit it. If you close your eyes while cleaning your teeth you're a homosexual. Hairs on the palms of your hands means you masturbate. If you look to see – that proves it. Grabbing another boy's cock is supposed to hurt and he is supposed to do it back to you. You're not supposed to show you like it.
Wrestling until you get an erection is permissible as long as you both pretend it's a wrestle. A possum bite comes back at the same time every year at the same place you were bitten. A hanging willow makes good whips for whipping slave girls. When the girl who is playing nurse bandages your legs with dock leaves and binds them with vines, things happen in your groin. Girls walk differently after they've had their first sex. And you can tell.