Roommates (Soulmates #1) (17 page)

Flashback: Jenny

It was the hottest day of the whole summer the day Brandi lied to
me.

She told me that she and Ethan hooked up at a bonfire at some
older girl's house.

I should’ve known she was full of shit. The whole story was so
elaborate, and like most liars, she used too many words, adding details that
weren't part of the story.

I couldn't even speak while she was talking.

After ten minutes, she stopped to ask if I wanted to know more
or if I was uncomfortable.

I called her a bitch and started to cry.

That's when she hugged me and told me it wasn't true.

Then I called her a bitch a few more times and tried to dry my
eyes, but it was too late.

She wanted the truth, and she got it.

"Fine," I said. "So what if I have a little crush
on him? It's not like I'd do anything about it."

"I know," she said. "But other girls will, and
you need to prepare yourself for that."

I didn't understand.

"Your feelings for him are way too obvious," she said.

I shook my head.

"Only to me," she said. "But if your mom suspects
anything, she might separate you."

That's when I realized she was trying to do me a favor, that she
wasn't actually a complete bitch. She just knew what I wanted better than I
knew myself and was looking out for me. Like she always did… though I often
hated her methods.

That night I sat in my window seat with an open book against my
bent knees, pretending to read.

But in actual fact, I was watching Ethan shoot free throws in
the driveway.

I remember being completely mesmerized by the fact that he could
shoot that many times from the same place without losing interest or focus. It
almost seemed like a superpower.

Shot after shot after shot for two hours.

If it hadn't gotten dark, I don't even think he would've come
in.

I realized that I needed to have that kind of focus from then on.

If I was going to hide the fact that my crush on him was like a
constant cramp in my side, I was going to have to practice every day, without
losing interest. I'd have to train like an athlete, until I made not thinking
about him look easy, until even I believed in my skill.

Otherwise, we might get separated.

I didn't even know what that would look like, what that would
even mean.

I just knew I didn't want it to happen.

Because the thought of not having him around made me feel
hollow.

Chapter 33: Jenny

No one ever wanted me like that.

Not even close.

There was no question that I was seduced by his desire.

From the moment I said I wouldn't ask him to stop, it was as if all
of his senses were feasting on me. His longing was so tangible, so intense, I
couldn’t stop myself from throwing caution to the wind and inviting him to
touch me.

And touch me he did.

My body always felt like something I needed to keep a secret
from him, but letting him explore every inch of it with his greedy mouth and
his strong hands was incredibly liberating.

From the way he sank his thick fingers into my butt cheeks to
the way his lips sucked at the thin flesh on my neck, giving myself to him was
the most wonderful experience of my whole life.

I just hoped it was okay for him, too.

He seemed happy enough.

And he'd fallen asleep soon after, which was supposed to be a
good sign, right?

Not that I would know.

The only thing I was certain of was that I would've been tight.

After all, I'd never even had a finger in me before- besides my
own of course. But that was purely out of curiosity, and I definitely hadn't
fucked myself like he had.

If anything, his touch made me feel like I never knew what the
hell I was doing down there.

But he certainly did. 

It was different than I thought it would be, though.

I mean, I never thought he'd go down on me for one.

I thought he'd just fuck me- if I was lucky- and be done with
it.

Then at least my virginity wouldn't be an issue anymore and even
better, I would've lost it to the person I always wanted to lose it to.

As far as him going down on me, I guess amazing was the only
word that even came close. The whole thing was so tender and sexy I couldn't
believe it.

And then when he drank me down… Oh god. I could still hear the sound
of him lapping at me if I closed my eyes, the sound of him groaning as his
tongue splashed against my wet center.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he was the worst stepbrother ever.

But he was by far the best lover I'd ever had- the only lover-
which seemed to make the gravity of the situation even more palpable.

I laid still as I listened to him sleep.

How was I ever going to nod off with him dripping out of me like
this?

I took a deep breath and let my head sink against his pillow.

Having him inside me was incredible.

There was no blood, no pain. Probably cause I was ready to have
sex years ago. But nobody even remotely special ever came along.

And I was under no delusions that everyone's first time was
ballad worthy or anything, but I always hoped mine would at the very least be
with someone I trusted, someone I was attracted to, and someone who wasn’t gay.
Of course, those three things were harder to find in the drama department than
I anticipated.

And now I knew what I’d been missing.

But I didn't wish I'd done it sooner.

I was glad it was Ethan in the end. Except I suspected I was in
big trouble now.

Because as I laid in the dark, relaxed from head to toe as I
listened to the sound of his breathing beside me, I swear I could feel the
crazy chemicals firing in my body.

But I had to act cool.

If anyone was sick of crazy girls getting attached too soon, it
had to be him.

And I couldn't get attached.

After all, what we did wasn't okay.

I mean, obviously we were okay with it, but we couldn't just
make a habit of kissing in the park and sleeping together from now on, could
we?

How far across the line had we gone?

Was it even visible anymore from where we lay?

What’s more, as romantic as he'd been with the flowers and the
saying he always wanted this, too, there was a good chance it was just sex for
him.

Perhaps I was simply the girl he couldn't have for all those
years, and that was all this was about: the impossible conquest, the one that
got away, the one night stand with the stepsister.

I didn't know what the fuck he was into.

I just knew I wished it were me.

And that I wasn't sorry for what I'd done. Or the fact that I deceived
him to do it. After all, feeling connected to him like that was the most
glorious, complete feeling I ever had.

And I really, really, really didn't want to feel bad about it.

Because I loved him.

And love wasn't bad, right?

It was supposed to be a good thing. People celebrated it every
chance they got. They wrote songs and books about it. They threw big parties
that nearly left them bankrupt just to prove how fantastic their love was.

But I didn't know what my love for Ethan could look like in that
public space.

Maybe it was a love that had to be kept behind closed doors, in
which case, had we even made any progress tonight?

He groaned and reached his arm around me, pulling my naked body
against his.

I closed my eyes and relished the weight of his arm over me,
scooting my bent knees back so they fit against his warm body.

I always wanted to be the little spoon.

Still, the knowledge that it was the happiest moment of my life
made it difficult to enjoy.

Because I knew it couldn’t last.

When we woke up in the morning, I wasn't going to be his
girlfriend or his lover or his dream come true.

I'd just be his dirty little secret.

And I really believed what we had was more than that. I really
believed that it wasn't dirty, that it was beautiful, and that it shouldn't
have to be a secret.

It should be able to stand next to anyone else's love with its
chin up and its chest out.

Sure, I was young and naïve and full of self-doubt and anxiety,
but there was one thing I wasn’t confused about. And that was the fact that I
loved Ethan Fitzell.

I always had.

So no matter what happened, I wouldn't stop rooting for us.

Because of all my greatest hopes and most deluded ambitions, the
one that inspired me most was the dream that everyday could be as wonderful as
this.

Chapter 34: Ethan

I smelled her before I even opened my eyes.

When I finally did, she was facing me, her eyes closed gently.

She looked so young when she was sleeping.

I swallowed.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

Normally I'd treat a girl to some breakfast and get her home- if
she wasn't already gone in the morning.

But I didn’t know how I was going to deal with this situation.

Had I taken advantage of her?

If I had, I fucking loved it.

Did that make me an asshole?

No. She wanted it, too. She’d said so.

And I agreed with her when she said it was something we
should've done a lot sooner.

Sleeping with her was more than I ever dreamed it would be.
Hell, having her body in my hands and wrapped around me was the greatest thrill
of my life.

How long had I wanted that? Ten years?

No, not quite that long. But only because I didn't realize I
wanted her like that in the beginning.

It was more harmless then.

I was merely curious about the girl that sang to herself on the
bus, the girl with the freckles and the 3D sweaters. I didn't know I wanted her
sexually at the time.

But knew I did now, and I couldn't shake the feeling that that
complicated things.

After all, I didn't feel that safe indifference I usually felt
the morning after, that comforting confidence that no matter what, the woman I
was lying next to had wanted it more than I had.

On the contrary, I felt infatuated. Obsessed. Sick.

What the hell was wrong with me?

This was what I always wanted, wasn't it?

No.

What I always wanted was her, and I still didn't have that.

Cause while last night answered some questions, it raised even
more of them.

The first one being: what fucking next?

Could this continue?

I wanted it to. Fuck the consequences. I didn't need other women
like I needed her.

But Jen deserved better. She deserved a guy she could go out
with and introduce to her friends, a guy who could walk down the red carpet
with her without causing a fucking Angelina-Jolie-brother-kissing-tabloid-nightmare.

And no matter how strong my feelings for her were, I couldn't
believe that she would risk everything to be with me.

Even if she could tell her friends, what about our parents?

My dad would probably treat me like a worthless piece of shit,
but that was the least of my concerns. His judgements for me had been so
numerous over the years that they held little weight now.

But Jenny and her mom were close. If she thought for one second
her mom would disown her for this shit, we didn't have a chance.

God I wished I could know what was in her head without fucking
discussing it.

Discussing it never helped.

Shit. That's why I suggested we put it off last night.
Overthinking things was never the answer.

But neither was burying my head in the sand.

Or her pussy if I was lucky.

And boy was I.

Last night had been a dream come true.

And now that dream was laying a foot away from me, naked in my
bed.

Maybe we could elope?

Maybe we could start anew somewhere else, somewhere these
bullshit labels wouldn't follow us or hold up in court.

I exhaled slowly. I had to chill out.

It didn't matter how much I wanted her and how much I was
willing to risk to be with her.

What mattered was what she wanted, and until I knew that, there
was no point in dwelling on the situation.

After all, she could've been using me.

She could've shown up here in the hope of crashing at my place
and indulging in some teenage fantasy, and that might be the end of it. I
didn't know. I hadn't seen her in years.

Of course, now I'd seen all of her.

And despite everything, I wanted to see it all again.

I slid backwards out of the bed, stood up, grabbed a pair of
boxers from my dresser, and headed to the bathroom.

After I took a piss, I looked in the mirror. My mind flashed back
to how it felt to have her fingernails digging into my back, her eyes on my
abs. On my dick.

If she weren't my stepsister, I'd be trying to figure out how
soon I could take her out again and get her lips around my dick.

I shuddered at the thought.

I didn't want to have those thoughts about her- and yet I
couldn't help myself.

I was like an addict who'd had a hit, and all I could think
about was my next one.

Fuck rehab and fuck all my hard work. I had to get inside that
girl again no matter what.

I flicked the lights off and opened the door.

Jenny had rolled over so she was facing the bathroom, and she
made a satisfied little groaning noise when she saw me through her half open
eyes. "Hey stranger."

I'd never wanted to be a stranger so bad in my life.
"Hey," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She reached a hand around to my lower back and dragged her nails
along the base of my spine. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," I said, admiring the sexy way her mascara had
smudged around her eyes. "You?"

"Good," she said. "But-"

I furrowed my brow. "But what?"

"It's like I can still feel you inside me," she said,
casting her eyes down towards her lap.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" She pursed her lips. "Can I tell you
something?"

"Anything. Of course."

"I never did that before."

"Tell me about it."

"No, I mean, never. With anyone."

I craned my neck forward. "What?"

"Don't make me say it. I feel awkward enough."

I scooted away from her. "What have you never done?"

"I've never been with anyone like that."

My eyes grew wide. "Why didn't you stop me?"

She shrugged. "For the same reason you didn't stop
me."

I shook my head. "That's not okay, Jenny."

"I wanted it to be you," she said. "What does it
matter?"

I rubbed my hands over my face.

"I thought you'd be flattered."

Fuck.

"Forget it. Pretend I never said anything."

I swallowed. "How could you not tell me that?"

"Cause I didn't want you to change your mind about being
with me."

I clenched my jaw. "Are you sure?"

She squinted at me. "Am I sure I was a virgin till last
night?"

I felt a dark pit sprout in my stomach.

I didn't know what to think.

It was one thing to think her heart was vulnerable and that
she'd given it to me for the night, but it was quite another to realize the
extent of her body's naivety and know how completely she'd trusted me with it.

"Ethan- say something."

I scoffed and got up. "You mean like you should've last
night?"

And then I walked out of the room.

Because that's what I always did when I was in over my head.