Ross 01 Unleashed (20 page)

Kelsey’s last remaining best friend was alone and propped up in bed, surrounded by flowers and balloons, cooing down at the pink bundle in her arms. She looked over when the door clicked shut. “Kelsey!”

“Hey, skinny. Oh, let me see…” She made her way to the bed and leaned over to peek at a perfect little face, ignoring her friend’s incredulous stare.

“Okay, I know you love me, but this is ridiculous.”

“When are they letting you go home?”

“In the morning. I probably could have left today but I finagled another night until my mom gets here.”

“Like you need help, Supermom.”

“I don’t need it, but I certainly won’t turn it down. Remember, Daniel lives in a state of panic during the newborn stage.” Lisa snapped her fingers in Kelsey’s face. “Hey. Look at me. Why are you
here
?”

Sighing, Kelsey turned away to drag a chair over to the bed. She dropped into it and rubbed her face hard with her hands. “I guess I blew it.”

“What happened?”

“Todd had a wreck last night, a bad one. Sandra called and…”

Understanding slid across Lisa’s expression. “Here you are.”

“Here I am.”

Lisa’s head fell back on her pillow. “Oh, you moron. Buzz the nurse if my blood pressure skyrockets.”

“It was a life-and-death situation and—”

“And what? You could somehow affect which way it went by being here?”

“Sandra asked me to come. She wanted me here. I’m far away from my own parents and she has
always
been there for me, like another mom.”

“So you’re here for her.”

“Well…yes…”

Lisa’s eyebrows lifted. “But…?”

“I don’t wish death on the man. I was with him for eight years of my life.”

“And he didn’t want you in his anymore, life, death or otherwise. So there.”

Kelsey dropped her head in her hands and rubbed her temples. “I was hoping you’d help me feel better, not worse.”

“You should have known better. Showing up in my damn hospital room when you should still be in Hawaii falling in love with a guy who I predict would
never
hurt you like that. I’m sorry if I sound coldhearted, but if Daniel had done to me what Todd did to you—”

“You don’t know
how
you’d feel,” Kelsey spat. “You’ve never been there.”

Lisa leveled her with silent wrath in her gaze. “Fine. Is Todd all right?”

“He’s been awake here and there. They’re optimistic now.”

“So what are you doing here? Go tell him you forgive him and beg him to take you back. Tell him you’ll be his own Florence Nightingale to nurse him back to health.”

“What?
No
. That’s not what I want.”

“Then you had better go tell that to Evan, and make him believe it, and pray he forgives you. God, Kelsey, I’m about to drop the ‘f’ bomb in front of my newborn daughter. And it’ll be all your fault.”

“It’s pointless.”

“You have to try. You have to bite the bullet on this one. This is your screw-up.”

“I know. He said he understands, but…I know he doesn’t.”

“Honey, he’s a man. You just trounced all over his ego, and after he’s spent all week marking his territory, his territory suddenly up and flew back to the mutt it belonged to before. You have to do whatever it takes to
let this go
, or you and Evan will never make it. You’ll never make it with anyone.”

Kelsey nodded, picking at her fingernails. “I know,” she said again. She dared a glance at her friend, whose brow was furrowed in concern. Lisa’s blonde hair was pinned up and she hadn’t a speck of makeup on. She supposed they both looked the same, except Lisa wasn’t wearing the physical manifestations of emotional turmoil on her face. “You look great,” Kelsey told her. “Really. You look happy.”

“Quit trying to butter me up. Come here, you.” Lisa held one arm out and Kelsey went in for the hug, careful not to jostle Meagan. “I suggest you try ‘happy’ for a change, okay?” Kelsey nodded against her shoulder as Lisa patted her back. “It’ll be okay, hon.”

“You’ve got this mom thing down, that’s for sure,” Kelsey laughed, pulling back. She wiped her eyes. “We got a ton of stuff for her, but it’s all in Evan’s truck.” Her heart twisted into a painful knot at the memory of how much fun they’d had together picking out the clothes and toys. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though it had only been a couple of days.

“Well, there’s your perfect excuse.”

“No, he said he’d leave it all at his house and his brother would let me in to get it. He’s working late tonight, I guess.”
Or he could be consoling Courtney all night, you know
. Reminiscing over coffee turns into an outpouring of regrets turns into her crying in his arms… It seemed the more time went by, the more those thoughts crept in. Began to take hold and turn her vision red.

“I just don’t find that acceptable,” Lisa said. “Do you?”

Kelsey shrugged. The aching knot of her heart had just spun in place at the thought of facing him. “I don’t want to bother him right now. He needs to cool off. You should have seen him. He wouldn’t even look at me.”

“Quit backing down. You were
so close
. Isn’t he worth fighting for?”

He was. He was so worth it. And she was so, so scared. “Worth getting my heart splattered all over hell just like all the others before me?”

Lisa didn’t reply, only sighed heavily. Kelsey forced a smile and nodded toward Meagan dozing in her mother’s arms. “Now, if we’re done with all that, I really need to hold that baby, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course. Baby therapy always helps.”

She tried to shove all thoughts aside as Lisa put Meagan into her arms, but found it wasn’t easy. Newborns always enamored her, from their little wrinkled fingers to unbelievably tiny toes. She could have sat forever holding her. Meagan already had her mother’s lips and just a tuft of her dad’s brown hair. Kelsey smoothed it down, imagining if Evan ever had kids, they’d all have hair just like his—so thick and black it seemed genetically inescapable. Hopefully, they’d be blessed with his green eyes as well. If only she could be lucky enough to be their mom, then maybe that hair would have a bit of unruly curl, and those eyes would have a roundness that somewhat softened the piercing intensity of their color…

Lisa napped for a bit, and Kelsey took the opportunity to shed the tears she’d been holding back as she stared down into the baby’s tiny sleeping face. Watching her yawn, smack her little lips, wrap her tiny fingers around Kelsey’s own with a surprisingly firm grip.
Try happy for a change.

When she’d said her wedding vows, she’d taken them seriously, and she’d meant them to last forever. She never would have broken them. That was part of the pain of it all. Todd hadn’t felt the same way. So she was adrift, for some reason feeling bound by words to a man who had cut her ruthlessly from his life. Even being with Evan this week, heavenly as it had been, had felt like a betrayal. Wrong. Not because of any lingering love she felt for Todd, but some twisted sense of faithfulness.

That wasn’t twenty-first century thinking, but it was the values she’d been raised with.

Lisa was right. Evan was right. Her own heart was right. She couldn’t keep going on like this. Values or no, she had to start letting go. Start standing up for what she wanted.

“Always listen to your mom, little girl. She gives good advice, even if it hurts to hear.” Meagan cracked open one blue eye to gaze up at her and gave a tiny cry of agreement.

God knew she was ready for a change. And some happiness.

Kelsey’s scent still lingered in his truck. Evan slammed the door and gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, fighting himself. He really should go in and get her; he shouldn’t have left her like that. He’d promised not to abandon her again and he’d done just that. But this was where she wanted to be, or else they would still be in Hawaii right now. He would call her later, try to sew his heart back together and continue being there for her no matter what, like he’d told her. It would be the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life.

He sat in silence while it seemed all hell raged inside his head. It hurt. God, it hurt. More than it had when Courtney betrayed him, more than it had ever hurt when a relationship ended. He’d usually been the one ending them, anyway. Kelsey had been like his lifeline through all of that. His one hope, his only assurance that maybe there was someone else like her out there. That maybe that elusive
she
really existed, just waiting for him to find her.

It had been her all along.

If that was the case, then bachelorhood for life was looking pretty appealing right now. He would learn to listen to his damn head one day. The one that could pick apart the most intricate details of a case, argue them and win. Not the one that kept screwing up his life.

He’d wanted to tell Courtney that if she truly loved Todd she needed to fight for him, and may the best woman win. But somehow that seemed like a betrayal of Kelsey. If Todd was who she wanted, if he was who would make her happy, Evan didn’t want to sabotage that for her. Maybe Todd had learned his lesson and they would work it out this time. Have their happily ever after. But they’d do it without Evan anywhere near their white-picket-fence-two-point-three-kids American dream…

Of course, that would mean going back on his promise to her. Shit.

Taking a deep breath, he started his truck and busied himself adjusting the mirrors, though they were fine already. Work. He would throw himself into work, his old defense mechanism, always there for him when his personal life was in shambles. There would be a ton of it waiting for him. He could spend most of the weekend at the office if he had to, just to keep his mind off her.

He only hoped she wouldn’t prove to be a force too powerful to shove away with indictments and motions and graphic offense reports.

She’d told Evan she couldn’t deal with losing him, but Evan had always been the one telling her she could deal with anything. It was time to prove him right.

Once she’d expended the benefits of kitty therapy that weekend, Kelsey ambled through her bedroom, past the luggage she hadn’t yet opened, and to her closet. It was past noon on Saturday and she was still in her pajamas with her hair half-falling from a sloppy bun. She planned on staying that way. There was work to do, and probably a lot of tears to shed, if her supply wasn’t already depleted. Lisa was busy with her new baby. Kelsey’s mom and dad were on vacation themselves. No one she knew needed to listen to her weeping and whining right now. She was on her own.

The box on her closet’s top shelf hadn’t been disturbed since she’d shoved it there months ago upon moving in. She’d thrown out a lot of artifacts and reminders from her marriage—most of them, actually—some during fits of blind rage. But even then, the mementos in this box alone had remained untouched, because they were the most precious to her. She finally understood why.

As she slid the cardboard box down from its safe place while her cats swirled around her ankles, her mouth was dry and her pulse throbbed. She carried it to her bed and settled herself cross-legged on the mattress, thinking she probably needed a box of Kleenex before she got started. But what was the point? She was home, she was alone, no one would be knocking on her door. Evan’s solitary text message early this morning asking if everything was okay was proof that he was in no hurry to speak to her, especially since he hadn’t responded to her reply. He was merely trying to assuage the sense of obligation he felt to her, to their friendship. He’d promised he would always be there for her. But he wouldn’t be there in the capacity she needed him, not unless she made some changes.

And even if he would
never
be there—a thought that made a panicky fullness rise in her chest—this was something she had to do for herself.

Inside the box were letters, pictures, printouts of e-mails… She dug deeper, finding her old college journal and a scrapbook. There were silly things like a napkin from a restaurant she and Todd had eaten at on their honeymoon. A couple of stuffed animals he’d given her. Typical fossils of a long-dead relationship. But she began to detect the pattern she’d suspected all along.

All of the letters and e-mails had been sent while she was still in college and Todd was back home waiting for her to graduate. She picked up the very first one her fingers brushed—a printout of an e-mail he’d sent her—and began to read it.

I just got off the phone with you two hours ago but I can’t stop thinking about you. I would call you again, but I’m afraid you’re asleep by now. I’m also afraid I’m going to go crazy before I get to see you again…

And more of the same from all the others…

Yesterday was so amazing. It’s hard to believe I’m back here now away from you. I have to look at your picture a dozen times just to get through the day, Kelsey. I can’t wait until we can be together every day. I’m counting the days.

“Ugh, sappy bastard,” she grumbled. Taking a deep breath, she furiously wadded each letter into a tight little ball. It was as she’d suspected. She’d been in love with the way Todd made her feel about herself. Evan had been her best friend, but his treatment of her, in a way, had been a rejection. Every single day for two damn years, she’d felt rejected by him. It was no wonder her self-esteem had been so beaten down she’d fallen for the first sweet-talker to come along.

The whole box had to go, but she made a point to look at each thing inside it and remember why she’d kept it. After that, it went back in the box bound for the Hefty bag waiting in the kitchen.

Except for one thing: her journal. Throughout all the letters and photographs, she’d shed not one tear until she opened the little book and began to read. A couple of hours later she was halfway through it, and she was a sopping wet mess her cats regarded with concern.

When it felt as if the walls were about to close in on her, she took a break, dug her bikini out of her suitcase and headed down to sit by the pool. It was empty except for a few kids and evening swimmers. One of them was the guy down the hall who had asked her out about two months ago. She’d taken the chicken way out and claimed one excuse after another until he finally got the hint. He seemed nice enough, fairly good-looking. The kind of guy she might have eventually gone out with, when she was ready. But there were no sparks there. Evan’s words floated through her mind:
Doomed to contentment.