RULES OF LOVE (A Navy SEALs Romance) (49 page)

This morning—about a week later—I’d taken a nice cool shower. I whistled to myself as Gretta picked Zach and me up. Fiona was already gone, shopping or something, as fucking usual. Gretta and I dropped Zach off at school. Also as per usual, he had barely looked up from his phone, even when I ruffled his hair and said goodbye.

“Kids these days,” I muttered dryly. Gretta giggled in response.

Gretta and I stopped at my favorite bagel place, where I got my usual, a plain bagel with cream cheese and freshly squeezed orange juice. I also got coffee—good, bland, black New York coffee. Nothing fancy. There was something so fucking amazing about simple things like that. Orange juice tasted amazing with a bagel and cream cheese, and washing it down with a hot cup of Joe… damn fine.

“Good Morning, Mr. Carson,” my secretary said, offering to take my coat.

I nodded politely as I handed it to her. “Today, let all my calls go to voicemail,” I told her. She nodded, though visibly confused.

I put my food on my desk and stretched, enjoying the amazing view of the city. The only person I planned to speak to throughout the day was Fiona. I had taken out a credit card in her name, and the nut wanted to increase the limit.

Women,
I thought to myself, rolling my eyes
. It’s never enough.

I enjoyed my bagel, alternating between bites and typing on my computer. I listened to all of my calls go to voicemail, knowing very well they could wait. In fact, if I wanted to, I could pay someone to do all of this shit while I ran the company from a distance. Might as well, right? Why did I even work, anyway? Besides the feeling of productivity and power, I had nothing to gain from it.

My day was going so well, in fact, that I nearly forgot about my Sophia-lookalike counselor. Chalk it all up to a bad dream, though I had a session with her again tonight.

I went to the bathroom at some point around noon. As I was taking a piss at the urinal, a guy walked in. I didn’t recognize him, which was odd, because I knew most of my employees. Or, I could recognize them when they passed by. I stood at the urinal, pissing, trying not to take my eyes off the wall in front of me. A familiar spike of anxiety shot down my spine, and my heart began to race. The man was quiet. He didn’t make any noise. People taking a dump sure as hell made noise, so why wasn’t he?

Beads of sweat shimmered on my forehead. I zipped my pants quietly and proceeded cautiously to the sink. I needed to get myself together. I bent over and splashed some cool water on my face. When I looked up, he was right behind me. I shouted and turned around to face him, my arms up in the air. He was visibly shocked.

“I’m sorry, sir. I was just letting you know there’s no more toilet paper in here,” he said, backing away a few steps.

I rarely felt embarrassed, but when I did, I expressed it as anger. “What the fuck do I look like? The janitor?” I roared. “Get the hell out of here!”

He left me alone in my silence. Water dripped off my face, mingling with the sweat. I hastily grabbed some paper towels out of the dispenser and dried my face. When I left the bathroom, the man was mumbling to some other workers. His face dropped when he saw me. He looked like he was about to cry. Only then did I realize he wasn’t too far from my son’s age—probably just started with the company.

I ignored my guilt. He shouldn’t have come up behind me like that. He was lucky I hadn’t punched his lights out.

“The bathroom needs toilet paper,” I mumbled to one of the secretaries and quickly exited the room.

I nearly barricaded myself in my office out of embarrassment and shame. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed counseling. I needed help. I was tired of living in fear and tired of being all jumpy.

I decided to leave work early. I didn’t want to be there anymore. The pressure that followed me around was hard to deal with right now. People looked up to me as a leader and would talk if their leader faltered. I was faltering. I had to admit it. I was forced to keep my door locked because whenever someone came in I would tense up—especially if it was someone I didn’t know. Sometimes, the noises outside would fill my ears and increase the anxiety, and I would have to shut the blinds, as if that could cancel out the noise.

I got a sandwich from the deli down the street. I didn’t need Gretta to drive me today. I could walk to the counselor’s office. By the time I got there, it would be time for the session anyway. I strolled briskly through the streets, munching on my sandwich. I hadn’t taken a walk in a while and enjoyed the day slowly fading into night—until I realized what night could bring. Nothing good. Nothing at all.

When I walked in, she was standing in the reception office. Her hair was down. My heart hammered.
Fuck
.

She turned around and saw me, and a shocked smile tilted her jaw. “You’re early,” she said. “Please, come in. Conveniently, the session before you has canceled.”

I nodded and walked in as though I were in a trance. Her office looked the same, but she looked great. It wasn’t my imagination: she was wearing a tighter business suit and a shorter skirt, showing off those legs. At least I could enjoy the view tonight, if nothing else, and some intelligent conversation. I didn’t really believe anyone could figure this out but me. I didn’t want or need anyone else.

She didn’t pull out her pad this time. I had full view of her lovely body, her long slender fingers around her cup as she sipped some tea. She began to put her hair up.

“No,” I said. “I like it.”

She put her hair up anyway, ignoring my request.

“How was your day? You seem rattled,” she asked.

“Besides freaking out on some guy in the bathroom and being unable to focus on anything but getting the hell out of there, my day was great,” I seethed.

“That bad, huh? Are your days always like this?”

“Lately.”

“Well, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” she replied with that same, beautiful smile that reminded me so much of Sophia.

“You know, when you smile like that, you remind me of someone.”

“It’s a type of transference,” she said.

“Oh. I thought it was just a coincidence.” I rolled my eyes.

“Not many people are familiar with therapy terms, so I thought I’d let you know,” she replied. “Who do I look like?”

“My ex-wife,” I said, my voice tightening as it always did when I mentioned her. “When she was younger. The two of you could be twins.”

She looked… excited by this? But then her professional demeanor returned. I could read people. That’s why I was a good businessman, and this woman was definitely trying to conceal her adoration of me. I wanted to push the limits.

“I like you in that outfit,” I said. “And the glasses are a nice touch.”

She straightened and cleared her throat in a business-like manner. I thought it was cute. “If we are going to work together, you’ll have to respect my boundaries. Though I am aware that you are attracted to me, I need you to know that it is nothing more than a type of transference, and you cannot express inappropriate things toward me,” she said like a little psychology robot.

“Okay, Doc. Deal.”

“Again, I am not a doctor. I am working on my doctorate, though,” she informed.

“Must get expensive. I could offer you a loan,” I hinted.

“So what happened today, in the bathroom?” She was good at ignoring my hints.

“Some new hire came in. I don’t even remember hiring him. Everything has been hazy for the longest time. He was in the bathroom with me. I was so jumpy, and when I saw him behind me in the mirror I nearly socked him in the face,” I informed her, unable to meet her eyes.

“No need to be embarrassed. People who experienced trauma often have flashbacks and do things like this. It’s nothing new.”

“I thought I had special trauma,” I mocked. “When are you going to fix me? I need to tell Fiona.”

She laughed, and I melted a little inside again. “Therapy doesn’t work like that, Mr. Carson.”

“For the right price, I’m sure it can.” I winked.

“No. Not for the right price. It’s an organic process, one that involves your brain. Unless you can magically wipe your brain, there will be no bullshit here,” she replied.

“Do you know anyone who can wipe my brain?” I asked. She looked at me, icy. I recoiled.

“Has it ever occurred to you that it’s okay to need help?”

“Help is for people who can’t help themselves, and I always can.”

“Then why are you here?” she asked.

“Because of Fiona. She’s driving me crazy,” I said, lying. I didn’t want her to know about my business blunders. It was too mortifying.

“Tell me more about that,” Katie said. She took a deep breath and looked around the room. Was she uncomfortable? Jealous?

“I haven’t been myself lately, apparently. I’m not the man she fell in love with,” I said, being honest this time.

“Go on,” Katie said, her voice a bit more strained now. She really was having a hard time with this.

I took a deep breath and continued. “She’s constantly on me about investing. She wants more and more and more.”

“Do you feel she isn’t grateful?”

“No, it’s not that... It’s just that she needs so much of me. And some part of me likes it. But sometimes, I just want to rent a room somewhere and leave. Like I did the night the attack happened.”

“Do you blame her?”

I paused, reflecting. “Maybe a little. I mean, if she hadn’t been ragging on me all night, I would have gone home.”

“What does she ‘rag on you’ about?”

“Money. And she accuses me of cheating. Mind you, I have a wild past, but when I’m with a woman, I am faithful. I don’t see the point in not being faithful. If I wanted multiple partners, I could find a partner who is okay with that. Truthfully, I’m not okay with that, either,” I said. Although her face didn’t change, I sensed a hint of surprise. “Does that surprise you? It does that to a lot of people.”

“No. As a counselor, you learn not to judge or follow preconceived notions.”

“Sounds like business,” I replied.

“I can see you’re avoiding this subject, and I respect that. But the first step to fixing a problem is to face it—to face that it was difficult, and that you went through a lot. It’s a process, but you first have to acknowledge it.”

“I mean… I can admit that I haven’t been the same since it happened. I know that.”

She smiled. “Good.” I slipped some of my Xanax out and began chewing it.

“You’re not supposed to chew those.”

“I wasn’t supposed to be the type of person who took medication either, but here I am,” I replied, the bitter taste of the pills on my tongue.

“You’re not driving, correct?”

“No. I’m being picked up, as usual,” I informed her.

“So, what is your issue with medication?” You said before that you weren’t on any, Katie asked.

“I didn’t want to admit it. And like I said before, I pride myself on being strong. I don’t like to use a crutch.”

She sighed. “Medication isn’t a crutch. Sometimes, it just saves you time until the therapy kicks in.”

“Well, before the attack, I’d have to be kicking and screaming before I’d let someone shove pills down my throat. Now, I have to use them just to get through the day,” I said honestly.

She had a pained expression on her face, and she reached for her notebook to scrawl something down.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied, her voice wavering. Was she about to cry?

“I didn’t mean to make you get your panties in a bunch, Doc,” I joked.

As soon as I said this, her face became cool and icy again.

“What you’re experiencing is normal, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it takes
strength
to admit that you need help,” she said, her voice soft and filled with caring and tenderness.

“Do you say that to everyone on pills?”

She shook her head. “No. I mean it.”

“You think I’m strong?”

“Very,” she said, a twinkle in her eye. “But healing takes time. Speaking of time, our session is about up. We will carry on with this conversation next week.”

“Do you have any other sessions after this?” I asked.

“No. Why?”

“Well, I was wondering if maybe we could grab some dinner. I didn’t eat enough today, and I’m sure you could use the help with food since you won’t let me give you a loan for school,” I said.

“I could go and eat with you, but it would be platonic. And I would pay for my own food. If you can respect that, I can go,” she said, but I couldn’t help but notice her fooling around with her necklace and a blush come across her cheeks. She was so damn sexy.

“Whatever you say, Doc. I know just the place.” I had no intention of her paying for her own food, and every intention of wooing her. “The place is a bit out of the way, so I’ll call my driver.”

“No, really—you don’t have to do that.”

“I either ride with my driver—which is in a car I picked out and which lives up to my specifications—or I ride in style. It’s not about you, dear,” I said as sincerely as I could.