Rumors Among the Heather (12 page)

“Could we wait just a
moment? I have something I want to say to you.”

“We could talk on the
way. I’ll slow the pace,” Julie said with just a hint of a
smile.

Matthew took Julie’s
arm and turned her to face him. “Juliana, I want to talk to you
about the other night. It’s been bothering me. I want to tell you
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take advantage of you. My only
explanation for my conduct is that I had been drinking. I know it
is not an excuse for my behavior. Since then my behavior has not
been proper, and…I’m sorry.”

Her lovely mouth
dropped open slightly.

“You seem surprised I
would apologize. You don’t think much of me, do you? Or is it just
men in general?” Matthew snapped.

“I hadn’t given you
much thought, my lord, one way or the other,” she snapped back.

“I don’t know what it
is, but when we come within ten feet of each other, we’re either
knocking sparks off each other or making a feeling, a certain
chemistry pass between us that’s as old as time.”

Julie didn’t respond.
She continued walking as if he’d said nothing. Matthew caught up
with her again and stepped in front of her, blocking her way. She
refused to look at him. He lightly touched her face.

“Please don’t walk
away from me, Julie. I want to talk to you, and I want you to talk
to me. Tell me what you feel.”

“But I don’t want to
talk to you. There’s too much talk. Words don’t mean anything. I’m
tired of talking,” she said wearily. Julie sat down on the nearest
rock and stared out at the ocean. She might love him, but she would
never admit it to him. She had nothing to gain and everything to
lose.

“Maybe you don’t want
to talk, but I do. You can listen or not, but I’m going to say what
I have to say. You can’t deny or pretend nothing happens when we
meet. The woman I held in my arms that night felt what I did and
returned that feeling. Are you going to sit there and tell me you
didn’t feel an attraction? If so, I’ll be forced to call you a
liar,” he said hotly.

“I don’t deny or
confirm anything. Where there are men and women, there’ll always be
lust. It comes and goes like the tides,” she said, slowly turning
toward him. She instantly regretted her action. Feeling her face
would betray her heart, she quickly turned her back to him
again.

“If I felt only lust,
I’d know what to do about it. You mean to tell me you felt nothing
else?”

“We’d better start
back if we want to be home before dark,” she said and started back
down the beach.

She walked past
Matthew, but as she did, he stepped in front of her and took her in
his arms.

“Please, leave me
alone. I don’t want your attentions. I don’t want to start
something I can’t finish. What you’re feeling will soon pass, and
we’ll be the same as before.”

“Not bloody
likely!”

He claimed her lips
with a kiss that set off a tingling in her toes and slowly numbed
her will as it climbed its way up her body. She felt weak, she
could not breathe, and she did not care. She could do nothing but
melt into his arms and let him have his way. She had tried to fight
a wildfire out of control and lost. She loved him, and she would
take what he would give her and throw caution into the waves on the
beach. Her skin burned as Matthew held Julie in the maelstrom of
his kiss, and her will was replaced by unrelenting desire. She was
locked in an unequal battle with Matthew. Was he friend or foe?
Would he destroy her in the end?

“Julie, we have to
talk. I want to make love to you, but not here and not in a hurry.
I want to have all the time in the world to give every inch of you
pleasure.”

Her hands trembled as
she put them on her burning cheeks. She looked around in wide-eyed
amazement. Her mind went blank. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears,
making it hard to speak. “You mustn’t say those things to me. You
can’t make love to me. I can’t. I need time to think. You’re
confusing me.”

“Tonight when everyone
has gone to sleep, come down to my study. We need to talk about you
and me and about things…things that can’t be stopped, that are
inevitable. I don’t want to be interrupted. I want to spend this
time alone with you. Will you come?”

Dazed by a gamut of
emotions, Julie nodded her head in agreement. She knew he would ask
her to be his mistress. Shocked, she realized she might agree to
whatever he asked of her. If he kissed her again, she would not be
able to resist.

He wanted her, that
was plain, and she could not deny that she wanted him. If she kept
her pride and refused, she would keep her virtue and the misery of
a life without him. She felt in her heart a short time with him
would be a lifetime with another man. She looked at him and wanted
to hate him, to find something to dislike, but she could find
nothing. Just looking at him made her want him all the more.

They mounted their
horses and rode back to the castle. Their silence continued until
they reached the stable yard, then Matthew spoke. “Julie, you do
love me? You’ll come to me tonight, anytime after midnight? We have
so much to talk about. So much needs to be said.”

She nodded her head
slightly and said softly, “Yes, I’ll be there.”

Julie went directly to
her room. She asked that her dinner be sent to her, but when it
arrived, she found she could not eat anything. She meant to go to
their rendezvous, but she knew she could not trust herself to say
no to him. She wanted him too much.

She could hear her
Papa’s voice saying so clearly, “When you want something that much,
you have to walk away from it. It’s wrong to want anything so
badly.”

After packing a few
things in her bandbox, she slipped down the back stairs. Her heart
was heavy with regret as she looked back at the castle. She stopped
halfway to the beach and almost turned to go back, but stubbornly
she trudged forward. She kept telling herself she had to do the
right thing, the only thing. She put her bandbox in the small skiff
and bent to push off when she felt hands grab her from behind. Fear
coated her limbs when she turned and looked into Matthew’s angry
eyes.

She struggled, but he
held her tightly in his grip. “Where are you going?” he asked
through gritted teeth.

“Let me go! You can’t
hold me a prisoner here!” Julie spat out at him while she delivered
a swift kick to his shin.

Matthew let her go for
a second, before he pulled her to him again. He then held her at
arm's length without saying a word. To Julie’s surprise, he finally
released her and moved several feet away. “Why?” he whispered.

He sounded so hurt. It
tore at Julie’s heart. “I can’t stay. I can’t be what you want me
to be. I couldn’t be so close to you and say what I have to say.
You confuse me. You make me want to do things I know I shouldn’t. I
was almost willing to bear the shame. I’m sorry.”

Julie watched the hurt
on his face turn to anger once more. If looks could kill, she would
have died a thousand deaths. He walked toward her, and she felt
fear paralyze her body.

“Just who do you think
you are? My family is as good as any family in the whole of
Britain! I fail to see what could be so shameful in being my
wife.”

“W-wife? But I
thought…”

“Yes, wife! What did
you think I was offering you?”

“I-I thought you
wanted me to be your m-mistress. I never once thought you meant
marriage,” Julie said in a rush.

“You certainly have a
high opinion of me. I want nothing more than to make you my wife
and to love you. I want to take care of you, to cherish you as I
never have another.”

“You never said
otherwise. I know you’ve kept mistresses in the past, and Papa
always said if a man isn’t married by the time he’s twenty-five,
then he never will, or at least he’ll wait until he’s in his
dotage. You know I’m penniless, and you still want to marry me?”
Julie asked, stunned.

“Crazy, isn’t it, but
true,” he said in mock seriousness. He continued, “Your father said
a lot, and it gives me great pleasure to prove him wrong, unless,
of course, you consider me in my dotage.”

“Oh no, dotage would
be the last way I would describe you,” Julie insisted, feeling the
heat rise to her face as she thought of his extremely fit body.

“I don’t care about
your lack of money. I certainly have enough to keep us more than
comfortable. If you’d come to my study, I would have properly asked
you to marry me.”

“Well, I’m here, and
you’re here, and there’s no one else around. If you still want me,
I’m ready for a proper proposal.” She fervently hoped he still
wanted her.

Matthew released her
and bent down on one knee. He took her hand in his and cleared his
throat.

“Miss Hastings, would
you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Julie wet her suddenly
dry lips and tried to speak. She managed to say hoarsely, “Yes, my
love.”

“Julie, one of the
things we need to talk about is the war that’s coming. You’ve
already guessed without much trouble that I’ve pledged myself to
Prince Charles. In less than two weeks, we’ll surely be facing the
English. I’m still working to get some of the other clansmen to
back him, but they’re suspicious of me because I’ve traveled and
spent so much time away from Scotland. If they hear I’ve married an
Englishwoman, I’ll lose my credibility. Our marriage would have to
be a secret until after the war.”

This is where he
promises me marriage for my favors
, Julie thought.

“Do you understand?”

“Yes, I’m beginning to think I do,” she said more
calmly than she felt.

“I want to marry you and give you a proper time to
have parties and get your trousseau together. I know these things
are so important to a woman, but I haven’t the time. Please don’t
think I mean to rush you, but I want to obtain a special license
and marry you immediately. I’ll get a friend of mind to perform the
ceremony, but it’ll have to be a secret with just the two of us and
witnesses we can trust.”

Matthew gently rubbed
her back. “I know you understand the dangers of war. I’ll be away
from you much of the time, and there’s always the possibility I
won’t return. If we lose, then we would have to leave the country
quickly. Think carefully before you answer me again. Julie, will
you marry me?”

Julie could not
believe her ears. He really did ask her to marry him. He was
worried about the niceties and the conventional trappings of a
wedding and the war. Always there would be war.

“Oh Matthew, I would
marry you tonight if we could.”

He laughed as he
caught Julie in his embrace again. His lips claimed hers in a
sensual caress. Julie returned his ardor freely. Drinking in his
love and feeling his nearness to her, all of her senses were alive,
and she savored the feeling washing over her like the waves on the
beach.

Filled with happiness,
Julie looked forward to the next day. She resisted the urge to skip
as she made her way to the dining room. She couldn’t wait to see
Matthew, but Ian sat alone at breakfast. He smiled as she sat
down.

“Good morning, Ian.
Will your uncle be joining us?” Julie tried to ask as casually as
she knew how.

“No, ma’am. He left
early this morning.”

“Do you know where he
was going or when he’ll be back?”

“He didn’t say. Uncle
Matthew always comes and goes without telling us. Usually, he’s
gone six or seven months,” Ian said without much interest.

Julie’s new world
stopped spinning. She tried to compose her thoughts and stem her
rising panic. The walls seem to press against her. She felt the
same old feeling of desertion take over her mind. She prayed
Matthew would not be like the other men in her life.

“Miss Hastings, is
anything wrong? Are you not hungry?”

“No, Ian, my appetite
seems to have left me. I must get some fresh air. I’ll meet you in
the classroom.”

* * *

For four days Julie
rushed through Ian’s lessons during the day. Once they were
finished, she returned to her room where she sat trying very hard
to read, but her mind kept straying to Matthew. She wondered where
he could be and why he did not tell her he was leaving or when he
would be returning. Perhaps the prince sent him a message, and he
did not have the two weeks he’d thought, or maybe he just simply
changed his mind.

While she read and
reread the same page, she heard a scraping sound, and then a
tapping noise coming from the wall panel near the fireplace. The
panel flew open, and Matthew stepped out.

She put her hand to
her mouth to stifle the scream that rose involuntarily in her
throat. “Mercy, Matthew! You scared me senseless!”

Julie tried to catch
her breath. Matthew knelt quickly in front of her and took her cold
hands in his warm ones, warming more than her hands. Her heart beat
faster just looking into his eyes.

“I’m sorry I
frightened you. I was trying to think of a way to see you without
being seen, and I remembered my grandfather telling me about a
secret panel leading from his bedroom to the governess’s room. I
tried for over an hour before I remembered how to work the panel.
Once inside the opening, I followed the stairs until they came to a
dead end. Amazingly, I tried the panel, and it opened,” he said
brightly.

“Matthew, I’ve been so
worried. You didn’t say you were leaving, and when I didn’t hear
from you, I didn’t know what to think or do. Is everything all
right?”

“Things couldn’t be
better. I’ve got the special license,” he said, patting the breast
pocket of his jacket. “My friend, an Episcopalian minister, will
arrive tomorrow to perform the ceremony. He’s from a town in the
lowlands, so no one will know. The old minister from the church in
town is visiting his sister in Glasgow, so the church will be
vacant. I’ve arranged with the caretaker to use it tomorrow. It
will be the safest place for the ceremony. It is away from the
shops so there will be no prying eyes or ears.”