Run and Hide (5 page)

“Is that really all you’re going to say?” I watched him, incredulous. His eyes squinted as I realized I was way too eager for his response.

“Why does it bother you so much?” he said. “Why do
I
bother you so much?”

“You keep … saying stuff to me, and it gets to me. I don’t understand you.”

“You don’t know me.

“Well as much as you may think you do, you don’t know me, either.” I responded, sternly. With that, I felt his eyes survey my face, and body, and when his eyes returned to mine, they were different. Inquisitive.

“That’s why you should stop messing with me,” I added, covering my sudden discomfort with the way he was looking at me. “Leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone.”

“What if I don’t want you to leave me alone?”

Noticing a tall presence approaching us from my right, I tore my eyes from Eric to find Mr. Kyle standing beside my desk, leaning in to lessen the distance between our faces. He adjusted his glasses.

“So what have you two come up with?” he asked us, glancing at Eric, and then me.

“Ana was just saying how Lincoln’s quote can apply to people, too,” Eric responded, quick to throw me the ball.

“Is that so?” Mr. Kyle prompted.

I shot a glance at the board while Mr. Kyle’s eyes still focused on Eric.
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves
.

“Will you explain your thoughts more, Ana?” Mr. Kyle shifted his sight to me and I was forced to answer.

“I was just saying how, except in extreme cases, the demise of a person can be seen the same way as that of a country. No matter what the circumstances, a person always has the ability to choose how to respond, and is therefore always, well, mostly responsible for their own destruction.”

“Very interesting,” he said. “Eric, how did you respond?”

“I agree.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Well, great thoughts you two. Carry on.” Mr. Kyle looked at Eric and me each once more before stopping to talk with another group. When his back turned to us, I exhaled and slumped deep into my chair.

“You came up with that pretty quick,” Eric said.

I didn’t respond to him. I knew he wouldn’t tell me anything else, so there was no reason for us to talk.

“You might be a madwoman, but at least you’ve got a point of view.”

Keeping myself from glaring at him, I shook my head as Mr. Kyle returned to the head of the classroom. Eric flipped his hood back on top of his head and leaned back in his chair as the lesson resumed.
I should stay away from him,
I thought, knowing that if anybody could pull Sydney out and shake her until she spilled everything Ana was built to hide, it’d be a curious boy with dark hair, dark eyes, and a smirk that hid things she couldn’t begin to predict.

When the clock on my cell phone read 7:28, I was buying my ticket. Brit had already called me twice while I was on the way—she told me where the girls were sitting and to hurry up. So maybe I was alone, broke, half-homeless, and deceiving everyone I met, but I decided to go to the game. Just a scrimmage, against some team from another county, but people I genuinely liked would be there, and I might just enjoy myself.

Fun. God, could I use some.

As soon as I passed the ticket gate, I could see the fan-filled stadium roaring with excitement. On the left was the bigger section of bleachers filled with gold, black, and white t-shirts and body paint, the home side. I walked in that direction. The other side had much less bleacher space, but was still full. People stood and leaned on the rails in anticipation of the game’s kick-off, and the Rock Bridge band started our school song. The other team’s fans all had blue, gray, or white t-shirts and paint. Seven boys standing in the front spelled out “YOU SUCK,” their chests as billboards.

              Lost in the crowd, I called Brit’s cell, and as she answered she raised her hand in the air to show me where to go. Relieved, I walked to their level and pushed through the standing students, trying to avoid touching any wet paint, and found a spot saved for me next to Kylie at the closest end of the line of girls.

“Hey, Ana!” Kylie greeted me, and we hugged as the rest of the girls smiled and waved.

              Throughout the game, score after score, the band would play “Jump on It!” and the whole student section, even some of the parents, would move their hips to the tune and jump around in circles chanting “Go Cougars!” three times. Pretty cute. The girls talked to me as if I was one of the group,
Ana this,
and
Ana that.
Eventually, some other people in the crowd who knew the girls would turn and ask them who I was. I smiled at them all, but didn’t speak. The Ana Show was a fun show to star in, and I was loving the spotlight. I portrayed myself as an untouchable creature, a newly discovered sculpture to be deeply admired but no one could guess how it came about.

              Seventeen – three, Cougars, was the final. Our side was happy; some kids rushed the field. The girls and I kept to our seats, though, enjoying the newfound space in the bleachers, and later we walked up to the fence to watch everyone celebrate. Some cops were taking one overgrown kid off the field as he shouted “Cougar pride!” at the top of his lungs. The team was having their post-victory talk, and I noticed Number 38 looking around. Thirty-eight seemed the perfect number for David, large and dominant.

He noticed me standing by the fence, and sent me a wave. I smiled and waved back, and he pointed to the locker room. I nodded and gave a shy thumbs-up, to which he responded with an almost cheesy salute before he jogged off the field, helmet in hand, good form.

              I guess I’d forgotten whom I was standing with. Once David ran off, each of the girls took turns joking and poking at me about him until eventually they were congratulating me.

“He’s
so
hot,” Michelle said, rolling her eyes.

“Perfect,” added Kylie.

“And so good at football, actually, at most things he tries,” Brit finished.

              “If you guys all think he’s so amazing, why have none of you dated him before?” I asked, laughing, but a little afraid of their answers.

              Michelle responded, “Well he just broke up with his two-year girlfriend this past summer. She graduated and they didn’t want to deal with the whole long-distance thing.”

              We all stood to leave the stadium.

              “Yeah,” Kylie chimed in, “so this is the first year he’s been single, and you just had to jump in here and take him right when we all thought we had a chance!” I laughed, as did they. “Treat him well,” she said.

“We’re all going to go eat,” Brit said when we reached the grass. “Waffle House, want to go?”

“Oh, no, my mom’s on the way already. Thanks though,” I lied.

“I thought she was working,” Taylor said, throwing me off.

“Oh, yeah. She just got off her night shift. She just texted me.”

              “You want us to wait for her with you?” Brit asked.

              “No, oh no. You guys go ahead.”

They left me where I would meet David after he came out of the locker room. He probably wanted to walk me to my car. I checked the time on my phone, 10:02, and when I looked up he was walking toward me.

“Hey David, congrats on the win,” I said

“I usually suck, I think you made me lucky or something.” He smiled when he said this, and his right hand found its way into my left.

“You played really well, even better than I was expecting.” Ana was much better at flirting than Sydney was.

“Well thanks for coming, you look amazing.”

I took a second to mentally scan my outfit: faded jean shorts, a simple red V-neck. Nothing special. “Thank you.”

              “So how did you get here, did you drive?”

“Oh, no I walked, it’s really close, my house is like nowhere from here.” Realizing I had told the girls I’d be picked up, my eyes fluttered around the dark parking lot, stopping at every petal of light on the ground below each streetlight. I avoided his stare.

“It’s dark out, let me take you home.” Sometime during my frantic glancing across the parking lot, he’d moved closer to me. He pulled my chin to face him, and Sydney banged on my insides, pulling me away from him as I stepped back. Thankfully, Ana played it off as a flirty game, but I was slipping too much. Reassuringly, he laughed quietly and slowly dropped his hand from my face.

“Maybe another time,” I said. “Congratulations again, I’ll see you later?”

He sighed and nodded as his mouth poked out, understanding Ana’s game. “Yeah, definitely.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. “Goodnight, Ana.”

“Night, David.”

He watched me walk away for a while before turning to head to his car, where a few of the guys waited for him. I gave one more wave goodbye before I turned the corner.

* * *

              The streets looked a lot less pleasant without daylight, and eventually everyone else who walked home from the game had veered off to their homes while I walked on. A few lurkers hobbled by, sniffing as I passed. Could I do this for a year? Two? Loneliness was one thing when it meant boredom, a much more serious thing when it meant fear and danger. I’d been searching for a better solution all week but ended up back in the shack every night.

And soon, I was back in the shack, and at least the air was cool. I turned on the flashlight to find my hairbrush in my bag, and had pulled it out to start brushing, when the phone rang.

David. I decided I had talked to him enough that night, so I let it ring. It rang until it stopped, only to start ringing again three seconds later. I moaned, and then chuckled at his persistence.

“Hello,” I said, trying to sound busy.

“Hi ho little one.”

Dad greeted me like that since I was little. He’d wake me up in the mornings before school. He would shake my belly and say “Hi ho little one” when I woke up. “Hi ho Daddy” I’d answer. Then he’d say, “Rise and shine, its wakey-wakey time,” and I’d groan, but eventually giggle.

This time I didn’t want to giggle, or groan. I just wanted to bawl and scream and break things—innocent things. I wanted to hurt someone or something and get this ridiculous feeling out from inside of me. No words I could have said would have quenched the rage. So I didn’t speak.

“Sydney, you there?”

After a few seconds, I took a deep breath. “Yeah, what do you need?” I held back tears with every word and every breath.

“I miss my daughter, and I just wanted to check and see how things are with you up there in North Carolina, since we haven’t talked in a few days. Things aren’t the same without you here, kid.”

How could he be talking like this, like the old Dad? What kind of sick joke could he be playing on me that would make him try and act like the Dad I loved—the Dad that died the same day my mother did? Why was he impersonating him?

“Things aren’t the same, period,” I said. “It doesn’t matter where I am, or whether I’m around you.”

“How can you talk like that? You should be home. Whether she’s alive or dead, your mother holds us together, Syd. Don’t you see? Everything left of her is in this house.”

The rage built up and erupted from me. “What you’re talking about isn’t possible. She doesn’t hold us together, she’s dead. Dead people can’t
hold
anything. The only one who can hold me together is me, and that’s what I intend to do for the rest of my life. You haven’t taught me much since Mom’s death, Dad, but I have learned one thing: the worst kind of orphan is the kind whose parent consciously chooses not to be one.”

I clicked off the phone and dropped it. Why was I so angry? This was the most clearheaded he had sounded in a long time.

Perhaps it was the stench of the old shack, the must of failure rising from the two blankets that covered the floor. The room growing emptier as I searched desperately for something to throw. I flopped down on the blankets and sat silently for a long moment, and then a scream burst out. And I screamed, and pleaded with myself to stop.

“God. No.” I cursed my father and the whole world. I cursed my old house and everything that reminded me of her and how things used to be. I cursed the little girl who fell in love with her parents before she had the sense to only trust in herself. I was the only person who couldn’t leave me.

Sitting on the top blanket in the bedroom, the floor felt hard and stiff. Hopefully Mom was right when she always said I was strong as stone. But I was finding that hard to believe.

I didn’t know what time it was—didn’t want to know, really. My stomach was begging for breakfast, so I changed into my clothes for the day: a t-shirt, jean shorts and sandals. Reaching for my bag, a light blue blotch in the left bottom corner of my navy t-shirt was exposed. I remembered.

Mom was teaching me how to wash whites, and I spilled bleach onto the floor. She had shrieked at such a high pitch, I almost dropped the whole bottle, hugging it to my body, wearing the same blue t-shirt I wore now. We cracked up at the two of us, clumsy and loud and crazy, until she took the bleach from me and we cleaned the floor.

I yanked the shirt off before the memories had a chance to take over, and replaced it with an unstained black t-shirt. I swiped away a tear or two before rubbing lotion onto my dry legs and arms, and then I headed out through the shack’s front door.

While I walked, I checked the texts that had come in while I slept. David, Taylor, Brit, all texting about this party tonight. While Sydney was crumbling, Ana had been making a name for herself.

After a wash-up in the gas station bathroom, I grabbed an orange juice and two donuts, and handed the items to the clerk to scan.

“I notice you come here a lot.” When I faced him, the clerk was staring at me. He said, “Like every day.”

“Oh, yeah well, I live really close and I go to Rock Bridge, so, you know, it’s a good place to get cheap junk food.” I laughed, a nervous laugh.

“
Mhm
.” He rang up my items.

“Yep.”

A silence ensued, and now he refused to look at me. “You know, you can’t bathe, or whatever, in there.”

“Excuse me?” What the hell?

“You always take a while, and leave here wet, hair and everything.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Four fifty-seven.” He held his hand out for me to pay. “I’m just saying you need to find somewhere else for that, next time I’ll have to call a manager or something.”

I gulped and handed him my draining debit card.

“Have a nice day,” he chastised, handing me a bag with my breakfast.

This time I wouldn’t look at him, grabbing the bag and rushing outside of the gas station.

Shit.

Outside I was marginally more aware of my appearance, glancing around to see if any people pumping gas stared. I guessed I could look around some, find a new place to wash up. Another store? At school? The gym? That was it! Gym showers after school, starting Monday. Why hadn’t I thought of it before?

The slow walk home took a half hour, and it was starting to get pretty hot out. By the time I got to the shack I had built up a significant sweat. The orange juice and donuts didn’t taste like much, but I chewed and swallowed until they were gone. It seemed everything that kept happening was slapping me over and over again on the back of my head, reminding me that everything I was doing was ridiculous.

But homework and music would pass the time. Schoolwork was at least something in my control, and the right songs might soothe the crazies in my stomach, if even just a little. Hours passed and the world of problem solving and rhythm took me from the hell of life for a while. Then, at 7:06, a text came in from Kylie.

You’re going tonight right?

My mom is working tonight, I have no ride,
I replied.

We’ll pick you up at eight-thirty.

… Ok. : )

Flushes of excitement, horror, and
what am I doing going to a party in this situation?
flooded my mind while I searched for the cutest outfit I’d brought with me. My butt wasn’t quite big enough to fill the shorts out, but my thighs and calves look pretty good. The blouse was white with yellow, orange, and pink stripes. Dad had bought it for me over a year ago when he took me on a shopping spree for my fifteenth birthday, right before Mom got sick.

I’d learned in a Home Ec. class freshman year that horizontal lines cause the eye to look side to side, making the body seem wider. For me that was good. The stripes might just give observers the illusion that I had a normal-sized body. I rarely wore makeup, but I grabbed the small purple pouch from my big bag and headed into the bathroom. The mirror’s long cracks and missing pieces posed a challenge, but I could work around them. I brushed and parted my hair until it perfectly framed my cheeks and jawbones, then applied some light eyeliner, careful not to use too much.

Brown eye shadow seemed to accent my skin tone, being a few shades darker than my skin; I figured it gave me an ominous, “party look.” Finally, I pulled out the lip-gloss kit I couldn’t recall ever using before. The first layer was color, the second the gloss. I figured it out.

Looking at the result, a wisp of air breezed out of me. Ana looked good. The girls would think I got all pretty for David, but it wasn’t for him. Maybe I did want to impress him some, but I wanted to impress everyone, myself too. I wanted everyone to envy me. If I was going to ride out this insane situation, I wanted it to be worth it. I could almost taste the feeling I’d have as eyes glared at me from every girl and guy in the place.

I checked the time. 7:48. The girls would be in Dr. Gomez’s neighborhood in forty minutes, and it would take me about twenty-five to get there. Rushing, I tidied my things in the shack, making sure I left everything orderly. Once everything looked okay, I was out the door, headed toward the gorgeous, terrifying neighborhood that had brought nothing but disappointment the past two times I was there.

I really hoped everyone in the neighborhood was at work, or asleep or something. Why had I told them to pick me up from there? In the night’s darkness, I depended on the light of the streetlights and my phone’s light, having stylishly left my flashlight at home. Uncomfortable and paranoid, I walked with a hurried pace, grateful each time I passed a lighted building.

Even with the speedy pace, I didn’t arrive at the entrance of Dr. Gomez’s neighborhood until 8:15. The last thing I wanted was to cause suspicion in a neighborhood I pretended to live in. The two houses close enough to see me hugging my ribs in front of the neighborhood entrance showed no signs of any light or movement inside. Finally a break, perhaps? On cue, a green mini-van turned into the neighborhood, and the man in front squinted hard at me as he slowed the car to examine me. I waved, and smiled, until he continued on into the neighborhood.

I dialed Taylor.

“Hello?”

“Hey, let me know when you guys are close.”

“We’re like two minutes away.”

Thank God.

“Okay, I’m right in front of the entrance,” I told her.

“You know we could’ve just come up to your house.”

“It’s fine, I just wanted to make it easier for you guys.”

I heard nothing for a moment and shook with anticipation.

“Okay!” Taylor said. “We’re almost there.”

Within minutes a dark blue SUV approached the entrance. Through its windows I could see girls giggling and waving, and I could gradually make out their faces as the SUV moved closer. When they turned into the neighborhood and stopped, I hurried to the car, letting the excitement in their faces spread a newfound energy across my own. Brit opened the back door for me to hop in, and they all greeted me as we sped away from “my neighborhood.” I looked back in the darkness, and noticed a light flick on in one of the top windows of the house closest to the entrance. I ducked my head into the car and closed the door.

Back on the main road of the neighborhood, after pulling a u-ee in the nearest cul-de-sac, Taylor cranked up the volume on the stereo. “This is my song!” she called, raising a hand in the air. I took one last glance at the dark houses that surrounded us before we turned left at the entrance. Kylie called out a request for the next song, and with a last sigh of relief, we left the neighborhood to disappear behind us.

“Ana, I heard David’s looking forward to seeing you tonight,” Brit called from the front seat. She was the car DJ, and she turned down the music to make sure I heard her when she spoke.

“Who told you that?” I asked.

“He did,” Brit said. I saw Taylor glance at me in the rearview mirror from the driver’s seat.

“David’s not shy about that kind of stuff,” Kylie said. “He’s interested. He’s made that clear.”

I sighed. “Well, I just met the guy, you know. I’m not even looking for a boyfriend right now.”

“Well there’s no pressure, hun,” Arianna added.

I thought about the words she said.
No pressure.
And a smile crept on my face. No one had to like
me;
the shield of Ana covered me, and they would love Ana. Plus, they didn’t know much about Ana, so I had absolutely zero expectations to live up to. I was beginning to love that.

At the end of the song Arianna requested, we turned down a road that led us past a subdivision entrance up to the clubhouse where the party was being held. People covered the front yard, many heading inside and some talking outside. A couple of the girls let out shrieks as Taylor parked the car. I laughed at them, but couldn’t help getting excited myself. Soon enough I was more excited than nervous, so much, I barely felt the nerves.

Once we stopped, I fingered through the back of my hair and leaped out of the tall SUV, the last one out. Repetitive bass and high-pitched notes oozed from the clubhouse: typical pop music. Pink and purple lights shone through the windows as the shadows inside moved in and out of view.

As I closed the door, I noticed the girls patting each other’s hair and checking each other’s teeth and breath, flicking about like hens at feeding time. Obviously a ritual. Each told the other that she looked hot, and they even included me.

“You fit right in, Ana,” Brit said, and I let a smile slip. We walked up to the front door together, chatting in a shapeless blob, and Arianna linked her arm with mine.

“So I’ve been trying to hide it. But honestly, I’m so freaking excited to see Brandon,” Arianna admitted. I remembered he was that tall basketball player who hung out with David a lot. “If everything goes as planned tonight, me, him, you and David will be on a double date next weekend.” I chuckled at her forward thinking. “If you want,” she added, carefully.

Finally to the door, the lights turned blue as we entered, and immediately the noise level increased. I could feel the bass vibrating the floors.

To the left, people sat in foldout chairs and snacked on chips or cheese puffs. Mostly girls filled those seats. To the right I could see a bar where soft drinks and water were being served—yes,
served—
by what must have been the host’s little brother.

“There’s Hailey,” Taylor called, pointing to a short, round girl with a brunette bob shaping her face. Hailey noticed Taylor and shuffled over, clearly excited to see her.

“Tay!” she called as she ran into a hug with Taylor, pulling Brit into the hug too.

“So glad you guys could come,” she said, smiling at all of the girls in our group, then squinting her eyes when she saw me.

“Hi,” she said, “I’m Hailey.”

“Hey, I’m Ana,” I said and waved.

“Well thanks for coming guys, there’s a game room over there and refreshments in the back. Let me know if you need anything.” Her attention had left us before she even finished speaking, as two girls were coming in behind us that she was much more excited to see.

A group of guys had concentrated in the game room Hailey had directed us to. Some were shooting pool, a few playing poker. Most of the people in the clubhouse, though, were huddled on the tile under two rotating strobe lights. They weren’t one-on-one dancing yet; instead, a crowd circled two or three guys bouncing around in the middle.

I followed the girls to the room with the pool table, and we migrated toward the back of the room, where Brandon stood towering over two of the other guys. Sydney or Ana, I sort of liked the whole traveling-as-a-pack thing. I scanned the room for David, but didn’t see him.

“Ladies,” Brandon called in his drawn-out fashion. “Nice of you to join us.” The girls sitting in chairs behind us watched enviously.

“Good things come with patience,” Taylor reassured him, laughing.

The guys hugged and greeted me with as much welcome as they did the rest of the girls. One shortish guy, definitely not an athlete, whispered to me, “You look great.” The words startled me, and I grinned. Sydney would have been polite and said something nice about how he looked. Ana smiled, and turned away to the next hug.

The last to greet me was Brandon.

“David called me, he said he’s going to be late,” Brandon told me, as if I’d asked. “He said he had to finish chores first, or something like that. But he’s coming.”

I nodded, and leaned into the hug Brandon was wrapping me in, relieved at his David-update. I was free to flirt for a little while, not tied down to one guy, one place.

“Enough hugging, let’s get back to the game,” Brandon called, rounding the guys back around the pool table, and leaving us girls scattered between them.

We watched the guys play, one of us taking a turn every now and then. On Arianna’s turn, I whispered with Taylor while Brandon “taught” Arianna how to shoot pool. He was a hands-on teacher, of course. We shot her suggestive looks, and she giggled and rolled her eyes at us.